Husband not getting on with step child

[Binxs]

I have been with my husband for 6 yrs married for 2. I have 2 children 12 & 14 and he has a child of 10. He does everything with the 2 younger children but not the older one. I have asked and asked him to spend some one on one time to bond but he’s doesn’t do it. The eldest has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and has had to move school because of it, my husband thinks playing on it and playing myself and grand parents to get their own way. He says lies all the time and I’m blind to it. The eldest is always him their bedroom whilst I’m at work says not coming out to be ignored or told to go back up stairs again! I’ve asked them both to wipe the slate clean and start again which the eldest agreed to but still waiting for the hubby!!! My eldest didnt attend the wedding due to anxiety issue and being too crowed but my husband thinks it was because of him. Love my husband but my child is my child!! I just wondered if anyone else has had these issues and if it resolved or If you left?
Thanks

This post makes me sick. You've had to ask your husband not to bully your child? And now you're asking what to do about that? Isn't it obvious?

Was this behaviour going on prior to you getting married op? If you're eldest child had anxiety over attending the wedding due to crowds I would have made it so they could attend with less people present. You're not putting you're child first. Ditch you're dh. Is you're child male or female?

Thank you for your advice and opinions. Just wanted advice on people with blended families. My kids always come first they are involved in every decision I make

It's very upsetting that your child could not attend the wedding due to it being too crowded. It's unfortunate that you couldn't accommodate your child, because your child will think they are not important to you.

Who looked after your child on your wedding day?

Add this to them being constantly told to go back to their room by your H, then their confidence and self worth will be shot.

My dd doesn't come out of her room often (autism, anxiety) and when she does we always make sure to include her, talk to her because without acknowledging the huge effort she has made, we do need to acknowledge it, if that makes sense. It isn't easy for her to overcome her anxieties and join in family time (she can't even eat with us at the table due to being SO self conscious)

The fact that your child is happy to have a "clean slate" is huge considering they aren't actually appearing to do anything wrong! It also speaks volumes that your H is not willing to move on.

I think you are kidding yourself to claim your children always come first. They clearly haven't done so far, but you can change that. You can take them out of a toxic situation and make the rest of their childhood a happy one.

How many posters here have first hand experience of children suffering from anxiety?

It’s very easy to paint the villain of the piece as the husband, however there can often be more to these situations than meets the eye. Anxiety and control are very very closely linked and experts who work in this field work with the children to ascertain how much is anxiety and how much is the child exerting control via a very strong will. In order to basically control the household and the adults until they get what they want.

I’m curious. Has the child been seeing any counsellors to work on this? And aside from issues with your husband, is this ‘anxiety’ showing up elsewhere? Not attending your wedding because it’s too crowded? Sorry, but that’s a child trying to make your day about them. (That’s the potential other side of this ‘anxiety’ issue).

I’m not saying the child isn’t suffering from anxiety btw. But until you share more as to what intervention/ help the child is getting - I don’t think it’s fair for all the blame to piled at the feet of your husband

@sassbot the child isn't trying to gain control from what I can see. The child has said they are willing to start afresh. Not mum I want dh gone. That's controlling the situation. The child is acting very mature imo.

@sassbott I have a child with anxiety, and one thing that DOES NOT help is being sent away all the time/ignored, like she doesn't matter.

My daughter continuously asks then same questions. She will ask her dad, me, and my friend (who looks after her often). She does this as she needs the reassurance, and needs to know that we all are giving her the truth.

it is exhausting for us sometimes, but if we are struggling, then she is struggling far more.

Yes, anxiety does cause the need for control, but that doesn't sound like this at all. Honestly, the H is not helping by telling the child to go back to their room.

Not attending your wedding because it’s too crowded? Sorry, but that’s a child trying to make your day about them.

This is a disgustingly arrogant comment about a 12 year old child.

Sorry but if my child decided to not attend my wedding I wouldn't be getting married. I would have fixed this issue 1st.

If your child really came first, your marriage would be over.

Sounds as though your H has no empathy whatsoever with your anxious child. The only way you are going to 'work through this' is if your H is prepared to step up. Maybe some family counselling?

Has your H given you examples of the so-called lies he says your eldest is telling?

I wouldn't stay with a man who treats my teen this way.

I'm quite shocked you had a wedding your DC didn't feel they could be a part of.

I hope you find a solution but your DH is so far in the wrong here it's going to be hard.

@noyoucannotcomein why is that arrogant exactly?

Have you been around 12 year olds recently? Yes, children as young as this (if not younger) can understand the control they have if they remove themselves/ refuse to do things.

I’ve asked some straightforward questions as to whether the child has had external help and where else/ how else this anxiety manifests itself. All perfectly valid questions.

Think anyone else would accept one side of a story and say ‘yes, this child has anxiety and the problem is the husband.’ It may well be that the husband is the problem. It may well be that the husband has a point that the OP is ‘blind’ to the dynamics around this child.

You can shout me down all you want. My questions (and points) are exceptionally valid. I know of children as young as 11 refusing to attend school (pre lockdown). Causing intense issues for the remainder of the family/ children (who are quite settled and happy). ‘Anxiety’ is also the label attached and no one can force this class of children to attend school.’

Of course underlying issues exist. But the view is counsellors working with them? The children are doing it to exert control. And some of the family members (by being in denial of the dynamic) are actually exacerbating/ enabling the problem.

None of us know (with the little the Op has given) what is actually going on.

You asked your questions and then before OP even had a chance to answer, you made a statement, as fact, about a child you know nothing about.

Your children don't come first though do that? Your husband is treating your child appallingly and you're standing by allowing it to happen. Your child shouldn't have to "wipe the slate clean'. He/she is 14. What could they have possibly done that was so awful at the age of 8 to justify being treated like this for 6 years?

You keep repeating that your kids come first, but your actions tell different. You're forcing them to live with someone who bullies them. I expect of your husband moved out, your child wouldn't be anywhere near as anxious.

Open your goddamn eyes and look at what's going on in your house. Your child is being emotionally abused under your nose and you're complicit in it.

And I'm a stepmum, as you wanted blended family opinions.

Right. Because the part that says ‘potential other side’ makes it a statement of fact?
Please learn to read before you continue to post.
Or would you like a full explanation of the meaning of ‘potential’? Honestly. Some posters.

I apologise @sassbott. I don't think you have written your post in a way that makes sense, but I can see what you were trying to say.

Thank you.

What I’m trying to say (as every poster piles in unilaterally on the husband) is that yes they may be right. He may need kicking into touch smartish.
But until we understand a little more, it’s not 100% the explanation. Anxiety in children especially is deeply complex. And yes, a lot of it can (potentially) manifest itself as control.

I was simply trying to offer another point of view before this family is ripped apart by a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I still think the husband is a bully. Favouring the children, excluding the eldest, labelling them a liar, isolating them in their own home. He is not in any way supportive of the child. A child who has had to move school due to their issues. Nothing will change my opinion on that.

Why did you marry someone your child cant bare to be in the same room as?

That’s fair enough and you’re entitled to your opinion, as is every other poster here. I’m not saying you’re wrong.

I agree your husband is a bully. I feel really sorry for your child that he/she has had a childhood like this.