Step daughter staying with us indefinitely during lockdown

[Lewem]

I need some guidance as I feel as though Im losing control.

The day lockdown was announced, my DH 'TOLD' me that my DSD was coming to stay indefinitely whilst the schools were closed. He collected her the following day. My heart sank with this news as she is very hard work. She is 13 and very lazy, rude and manipulative. I know a lot of 13 year olds can be that way but the issue is the dynamic when she's here. As Im currently unable to work, and my DH is working from home, it means he is spending long days in our home office, leaving me with DSD. If I ask her to do anything she just totally disregards my requests. The only time she'll do what i ask is on some occasions when my DH is also there. Sometimes, I'll go and tell him if she's been rude or won't do what I say, but this starts to feel like I'm constantly running off telling tales on her, and also he's really busy with work so I don't want to constantly disturb him. I don't have any DC of my own, however I do have my nieces and nephews to stay a lot, and I wouldn't let them get away wIth half the stuff DSD does. However its so hard to discipline her for things her DF doesn't really discipline her for.

I feel as though the situation is completely out of my control. She has gone home today briefly for a family birthday but is coming back in a couple of days. I have told DH I feel it is unfair, especially as he is working every day and she is left with me, but just gets so defensive and says things like ' you just don't like her'. It's not that I don't like her, I just don't like the situation. I have said repeatedly that I think the time should be split evenly between here and her DM, but he just says she wants to be here.

I hate the fact I am not even consulted about something that massively effects my life, I am just told. I am not happy about it at all but feel powerless to stop it. I cant physically stop him bringing her here. I cant even go and stay elsewhere whilst she's here due to the lockdown. I feel as though I've lost control over my own home.

Does anyone else feel like this is unfair? How can I deal with this?

Two things -

One, if her dad has asked her to do the washing up or whatever and she does it badly, HE needs to do it again or HE needs to speak to her and get her to do it again. Also it really helps at this age if you (HE) do the chore with them. They are honestly utterly incapable until they have been shown and shown and shown again and done it and done it and done it for themselves. If they can get away with doing a shit job as fast as they can, they will. But it’s on your DH not you to pull her up on it. You can speak to him and tell him he is letting her treat him, you and your house like shit but HE must be the one to pull her up on this.

Two, are you a bit scared / unsure about how to do what you want in to in your house? I had this and realised I needed to be firm about what was happening. So if you don’t want her sitting in the living room all morning, when you first see her you say, “oh DSD I’ll be using the living room for my programme / project / down time this morning. You’re welcome to sit with me but it’ll be my choice of music / tv today.” If you don’t need the living room that day, let her make the mess and make sure your DH sees it and make him clear it up!! If you want to use the room later, you go in and nice and cheery: “Right DSD I’ve got something to do / watch in this room now. Clear up your stuff now please.” If she won’t clear up you get your DH and say “can you come and clear up DSD’s mess now please so I can use the living room, thanks so much.”

Oh and don’t buy loads of treats and junk food. You can tell your DH that he’s not helping his own daughters health by allowing her to eat so badly. Put it back onto him. He either parents her properly or he gets the burden of clearing up after her. Stick to this at all times!!!

I agree with pp, take a step back, and defo stop buying junk food. Let DH buy junk food and whatever else his DD needs.

Let her slob around all day and leave all her mess (I know it'll be hard), let it all pile up if needs be into a giant hill of wrappers.

Tbh she really shouldn't be there if her mum isn't working and her dad is.

I agree with ASofa. Why are you basically parenting this girl while her dad works and her mum is at home on furlough?

I understand she wants to stay at yours but unfortunately one parent is working and therefore unable to look after her so the other one who isn't working should be taking her.

I think she wants to stay at yours because it really means she doesn't have a parent there. She gets all the good fun stuff with you with none of the discipline

Great idea by @MangoHat about food. If it creates disquiet then DH can do the shopping.

I don’t blame your DSD here, it’s the age old ‘DH problem’.

Op - I'm a dm and there is NO way I would allow my dd to stay with her working df & her sm if I was furloughed - no matter how much she said she wanted it! That's grossly unfair & to be blunt - you're being taken for a ride by both your dh AND his ex; you're basically the free babysitter.
Assuming the house is joint owned by both you & your dh there's no way you should leave during lockdown. There's also no way you should have to put up with this.
If I were you I would in no uncertain terms tell my dh that if HE can't take time off to be with & discipline his dd then she goes back to her dm. I know that sounds harsh but he'll either get it or he won't & if he doesn't then he's not worth being with as you will never be fully at ease in your own home unless you are a team.
I'm not going to focus on your dsd's behaviour here as I honestly don't think that's the problem - the problem is yet another kid not being parented by either of her parents who both seem quite happy to let someone else do the heavy lifting.

This is ridiculous behaviour from your DH. How dare he make that decision and dump her on you? I would be absolutely furious.

I read an interesting article one day about men remarrying and expecting the cook, childminder, wife all rolled into one. This is not your job. Remember that.

But I do understand your frustration because a) you care about DSD and b) if you leave things then you are the one that has to live in the mess.

I second the pp who made suggestions about how you explain you will be using the living room. I would do that on repeat and say "I'm sorry but if you won't keep it clean, you will have to hang out in your room".

I'd gather her rubbish and put it outside her room.

I would tell her father he is in charge of feeding her. I did this in my house after he encouraged his children to give me 'feedback' on how to prepare meals properly. It was very early days and I could already see how things were going to develop; I'd given them all their father daughter space but was quite welcome to clean up and cook. No way! So from now on he is in charge of feeding when we have DSDs unless I actually fancy it.

It sounds like you actually have a good thing going with her though if you do lots of activities together. She probably really likes you. Maybe continue doing one thing a day.

@sickandscared feedback on your cooking?? Are you kidding me?? Good for you for putting that responsibility back on him. Boundaries are really important in a home/ family, and with blended families the are essential.

You can solve this by changing your behaviours.
She is 13 and doesn't need babysitting. Get on with your day. If she wants to do nice things with you then she does as you say. If she doesn't do what you say then you calmly tell her you won't be making the nice food etc.
Stop being a doormat. Continue to be nice but only do all of those lovely things if she can treat you with respect in return.

13 does not need full time parenting - a spot check for lunch and the occasional are you OK.

Your DP is at home - no one working from home is on conference calls all day - he gets his own lunch, he gets hers if she does not want to make it herself. He takes a pee, he checks on her at the same time.

Tell your DP you need to do 50/50 and you cant cope with her full time, as there is no real need or reason for her to be with you guys 100% cant you bring up a shared care with mum?

Threads like these make me realise what an actual angel my DSD is. Min you, she’s 10 so that could all change in future 😬

FWIW my DH sounds very similar to yours. I’m lucky, this far, that I have a good relationship with DSD and that she’s mild mannered and likeable but that’s not to say that DH doesn’t take the piss. Sorry if I’ve managed to overlook but I’d there a reason she can’t stay at her mums?

I have a 13 yr old and he cooks.
Gives him something to do, lifts his mood and helps me out. I dont mean every meal I mean one a week.
Say you want her to have a pretend restaurant once a week, get her to choose what she wants then go out and get the ingredients together with the rest of the shopping. Then let her be in charge of making the meal whilst you chop up veg or whatever.
Only a small thing but it always helps us and puts a smile on my 13 yr olds face.