Step daughter staying with us indefinitely during lockdown

[Lewem]

I need some guidance as I feel as though Im losing control.

The day lockdown was announced, my DH 'TOLD' me that my DSD was coming to stay indefinitely whilst the schools were closed. He collected her the following day. My heart sank with this news as she is very hard work. She is 13 and very lazy, rude and manipulative. I know a lot of 13 year olds can be that way but the issue is the dynamic when she's here. As Im currently unable to work, and my DH is working from home, it means he is spending long days in our home office, leaving me with DSD. If I ask her to do anything she just totally disregards my requests. The only time she'll do what i ask is on some occasions when my DH is also there. Sometimes, I'll go and tell him if she's been rude or won't do what I say, but this starts to feel like I'm constantly running off telling tales on her, and also he's really busy with work so I don't want to constantly disturb him. I don't have any DC of my own, however I do have my nieces and nephews to stay a lot, and I wouldn't let them get away wIth half the stuff DSD does. However its so hard to discipline her for things her DF doesn't really discipline her for.

I feel as though the situation is completely out of my control. She has gone home today briefly for a family birthday but is coming back in a couple of days. I have told DH I feel it is unfair, especially as he is working every day and she is left with me, but just gets so defensive and says things like ' you just don't like her'. It's not that I don't like her, I just don't like the situation. I have said repeatedly that I think the time should be split evenly between here and her DM, but he just says she wants to be here.

I hate the fact I am not even consulted about something that massively effects my life, I am just told. I am not happy about it at all but feel powerless to stop it. I cant physically stop him bringing her here. I cant even go and stay elsewhere whilst she's here due to the lockdown. I feel as though I've lost control over my own home.

Does anyone else feel like this is unfair? How can I deal with this?

*a) are you supposed to be supervising her schooling?

b) what is her mum doing? (Working at home, working out of the home, furloughed?)

c) why does dsd want to be at yours? Easier life, hangs out with her Dad in the evenings, doesn’t get on with mum?*

a) She does her own schooling, she's very good at doing that and does it herself everyday without fail. Thats not an issue
b) Her mum is furloughed.
c) DSD always wants to be with her DF. Bit of a daddy's girl. As her mother is at home though, there's no real reason for her to be at ours, other than that she wants to be.

She's 13, I don't see what you need to ask of her. Help with chores? Her Dad can ask her. If he won't, then you have a problem with him.

I don't get her to do my chores. I'm talking about basic parenting i.e. asking her to get dressed, clear up after herself and not leave dirty dishes all around the house, encouraging her to get a shower which she often refuses to do unless I encourage her, not to eat rubbish all day long. At the end of the day its basic stuff a 13 year old should be doing. I'm actually trying to help her by encouraging these things but she just does as she pleases and not what I ask or advise.

My DH is working in his office all day so its just me and DSD. I can't just sit there and ignore things that I wouldn't ignore in one of my nieces or nephews, or if she was my own child. But then she ignores me and I have two choices, run to DH and tell tales on her, or grit my teeth and become extremely stressed and resentful of both her and DH. Its a no-win situation for me.

Take back a bit of control. Stop the baking with her, playing with her etc . If she asks why says that she isn’t doing what you ask or trying to make your life easier.

I do think your examples ( chips, dog walking ) are fairly minor though. She could be so much worse.

Your DH does not get to decide how long SD stays without discussing it though. It should be a joint decision

moving in with a step-parent who doesn't appear to like her.

She doesn’t have to be there does she, she’s lucky enough to have another perfectly serviceable home she could be in with a mother to wait on her and no mean OP*

*not my opinion, obviously

Another example, I asked if she wouldn't mind walking the dog for once, since I was busy in the kitchen cooking for her and she hadn't left the house all week, her response was, 'no I'm fine thanks'.

The thing is you asked a question and then she answered it, just not the answer you wanted. Sometimes it's better to ask a question where either answer is acceptable- "I need you to walk the dog, would you rather do,it now or in half an hour".

She’s chosen to be a member of your household in the knowledge her dad is still working and her mum isn’t. I’m afraid if she’s not willing to clear up after herself or walk the dog while you’re cooking for her benefit I’d dial the fun stuff right back. Your husband has a bloody nerve expecting you to parent her but not ask her to do anything. Is this symptomatic of your dynamic in other parts of your lives?

I would step back if I were you. Stop doing stuff for her. Why did you cook tapas all afternoon especially for her? I’d make dinner as normal and she eats with you and your DH. If she makes chips don’t make her dinner.

It sounds like you’re jumping out of a cake for her but cross she won’t meet your standards. I’d chill out, step back and let your DH be the Dad and you just enjoy your own time and space.

Your husband has a bloody nerve expecting you to parent her but not ask her to do anything. Is this symptomatic of your dynamic in other parts of your lives?

Not really. But there is always tension when she comes. It's not that I don't want her there, I do want it to work. It's more his fault, because he has zero discipline and therefore she's becoming very spoilt and rude. Theres too many examples of this to list but overall it just becomes a very stressful dynamic.

She can also be very jealous and manipulative, for example if there is a rare moment my DH and I are chatting, she will just start to cry for no reason and make up some excuse. For example the other day, we were talking in the garden and after a while she started crying in the house. He went running in to hug and comfort her. When he asked what's wrong she said she was worried about the coronavirus. Even though abut an hour later she was telling me she s very happy about it as she gets to miss school. It only ever happens when my DH and I are having any sort of alone time, even for a few minutes.

I’d make dinner as normal and she eats with you and your DH. If she makes chips don’t make her dinner.

She NEVER eats what we eat. Extremely fussy eater which is not helped by the fact she won't try anything. Typical teenager I know, however when I was younger my parents wouldn't go to such trouble of cooking separate meals for me. I would just eat what I was given. Her dad does every night though, so its twice the cooking then twice the cleaning up.

I think he feels guilt deep down for leaving so overcompensates by spoiling her, and its hard for me to sit and watch as an observer.

Hasn't she got school work to do? My 11 year old is in live lessons all day.

Hasn't she got school work to do? My 11 year old is in live lessons all day.

If only. She lies on the sofa (refuses to sit at the table) and does her school work from 7am to around 10am then lies there all day in her pyjamas eating junk food playing on her phone. Leaves wrappers and packets , plates and cups lying around, doesn't get dressed. These are the things I'm talking about. I know they're not major things but its hard to ignore when someone basically takes over your entire lounge and won't clean up or get dressed.

OP even though it’s probably irritating the shit out of you all the stuff you’ve said is pretty low level on teenage arseholery.

Don’t encourage her to wash, if she stinks she stinks.

Don’t encourage her to get dressed. If looks a mess she looks a mess.

If she eats shit all day she will get fat and bad skin. Not your problem.

Don’t drive yourself bonkers trying to make her in to a child that you’d have. She’s already been moulded and has two parents.

If she makes mess leave it for your dh

Keep telling yourself ‘not monkey not my circus.

And yes to creating a space where you don’t have to be around her.

I’m fed up with my own kids at this point. God knows how you feel but just detach and try not to control the issue. She honestly won’t give to shit about you!

If all this is stressing you then just stop asking her to do things, don't care if she gets dressed, don't care if she has a shower every day. Stop cooking food for her, she can clearly feed herself and don't care if she eats junk food.

Just leave her to do as she pleases, the worst that can happen is you have to pick up a few dirty dishes around the house but that is better than stressing yourself about it. Leave her dad & mum to parent her (or not). This lock down will only be for a short time more.

No wonder she'd rather stay with you, her mother probably makes her follow rules.

As is often said on MN, you have a DH problem. Your choices are to put up with the dynamic as is, stop doing anything for her/them but stay in the house, or leave. Your DH clearly ranks her comfort above your reasonable requests. He won't change, so what are you going to do?

I mean, this is common, slobby, teenage behaviour. I can see why it gets under your skin though. Is there any way you could set up a little desk space in her room for her to study? Maybe make a big thing about re-decorating her room and creating a nice study area, then stress how nice and tidy it will be for her and how she gets her own space, etc etc. It probably won’t make her keep the room tidy but she might decide to be a slob in there instead of your sofa?

This is standard teenage stuff. I have 4 of them! Definitely don’t make huge efforts with food etc, you will just end up being resentful. I have a noticebisrd where I list what they can make for breakfast and Lunch, and I say what’s for dinner. If they don’t like it I throw bright food in - no resentment and they are very happy!

Activity wise, I offer 1 thing a day with them. They have schoolwork to do and teens can entertain themselves to some extent. If they are up and dressed by 10 they get to choose something from the treat box - we just try to make things fun.

Disappear and get a bit of time to yourself x

Honestly just stop everything. I would.

Tell DH you didn't agree to be his daughters nanny for weeks on end so from now on you won't be cooking her addition meals (other than whatever you are cooking for DH), he can clean up after her rubbish she leaves around the house, he can get her to shower, he can get her to do her school work.

None of this is your problem, it's her parents.

As a pp said, if she doesn't want to shower then she doesn't shower or her parents encourage it. If she wants to eat junk all day then her parents can deal with it when she starts having weight problems. If she doesn't want to do a decent amount of schoolwork then her parents can deal with it when she falls behind at school or they have to discuss it with her teachers. If she wants something different for tea at night, her parent makes it and cleans it up afterwards if he won't get her to do it.

I'd completely disengage from this tbh. I'm all for step parents helping out every now and then but not when the child is rude and you feel unable to discipline them.

You just sort yourself out from now on, seriously that is what I would do. Watch TV in your room, go for walks yourself, listen to an audiobook in the garden, whatever.

Cooking for you and DH that should have said

I agree with those saying step right back or stop completely. You have made an effort with her fav food etc and she didn’t care, so leave her to do her own food.

The not washing thing is gross but beyond a ‘you need to shower’ I would leave it, unless she smells bad. Throw her clothes in when you do a wash. Leave everything else to your idiot husband who seems to think he’s emperor of you home and sits in an ivory tower taking no responsibility.

All three of you need to sit down and discuss this. Rehearse what you want to say beforehand and make sure it’s not focused on her but how you feel. Try to shit sandwich it so it’s not all negative - find some nice things to say about her too which are true if possible. Make them draw up a plan of action which everyone agrees with - and forget the petty stuff. Getting dressed - don’t mention it but walking dog needs to be her chore. She has to dress to walk the dog. The rubbish and mess in public areas - shove everything into a bin bag and put it on her bed with a jolly - you need to sort your stuff sweetie! I’ll leave it here for you.

Tell her to give you her food shopping list and leave her to do her meals unless dad is doing them. Make it clear that’s what you’re doing. It sounds like you so far too much for her then feel cross when it’s not appreciated. It won’t be. Cool down a bit and detach. Take yourself off to your space when you get the chance or go for a long walk.

You sound overinvested and trying to micromanage a teenager which never works out. Discuss with your DH what she should be doing during the day in terms of chores. He should tell her what is expected. Leave her to it. If she hasn’t done it at the end of the day her father can deal with that or pick up after her when he finishes work.

Don’t spend your time making elaborate meals. Don’t comment on what she eats. Don’t give up your time to do things with her if you do not want to or if she doesn’t behave nicely.

Please read the book. Get out my life but first take me and Alex into town.
It'll really help you understand the teenage brain and how to deal with it.
It helped me so much. You have to go with it and the results were a house made into a home. It doesn't turn them into ideal kids but my god it changed the whole atmosphere at ours.

I do agree with what a lot of you are saying in terms of 'Not my monkey, not my circus', and trying to take a step back from it all.

I guess the issue is I am used to things being a certain way in my home i.e. clean and tidy, organised. When someone comes in and shits all over that its very hard to just ignore! On occasions my DH has asked her to wash up but she does such a bad job I end up having to do it again anyway. Usually when she comes, the first couple of days she will try and do the odd thing but it always goes back to her being lazy pretty quickly.

I know that this is how teenagers are, that's not the issue really. The issue is the difficulty I have in being able to do anything about it to help the situation and make it more bearable, as you would with your own child or family member. I think that's where the stress is coming from.

It does feel like I've lost all control in my own home.

Agree with other posters, step back! You're trying to parent her and bless you for that, but I feel your approach is more suited to a much younger child. She is more than old enough to know to wash / dress / eat properly. She's behaving like a typical teenager, a bit like a toddler having a tantrum best medicine is to ignore it. It's not worth the angst. You're also not her maid, so stop picking up after her, making elaborate meals etc

If the plates around the house really bother you, then your DH needs to set that rule and enforce it. Same on the chores, if walking the dog helps you out then your DH needs to ensure she knows it's expected of her.

I think you are quite optimistic about the extent that anyone can change their child’s or family member’s behaviour to fit in with what they want. Most people compromise with their partners and children over cleanliness, tidiness, responsibility for chores, etc. I think the three of you need to find an acceptable compromise as a family.