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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter staying with us indefinitely during lockdown

64 replies

Lewem · 06/05/2020 18:15

I need some guidance as I feel as though Im losing control.

The day lockdown was announced, my DH 'TOLD' me that my DSD was coming to stay indefinitely whilst the schools were closed. He collected her the following day. My heart sank with this news as she is very hard work. She is 13 and very lazy, rude and manipulative. I know a lot of 13 year olds can be that way but the issue is the dynamic when she's here. As Im currently unable to work, and my DH is working from home, it means he is spending long days in our home office, leaving me with DSD. If I ask her to do anything she just totally disregards my requests. The only time she'll do what i ask is on some occasions when my DH is also there. Sometimes, I'll go and tell him if she's been rude or won't do what I say, but this starts to feel like I'm constantly running off telling tales on her, and also he's really busy with work so I don't want to constantly disturb him. I don't have any DC of my own, however I do have my nieces and nephews to stay a lot, and I wouldn't let them get away wIth half the stuff DSD does. However its so hard to discipline her for things her DF doesn't really discipline her for.

I feel as though the situation is completely out of my control. She has gone home today briefly for a family birthday but is coming back in a couple of days. I have told DH I feel it is unfair, especially as he is working every day and she is left with me, but just gets so defensive and says things like ' you just don't like her'. It's not that I don't like her, I just don't like the situation. I have said repeatedly that I think the time should be split evenly between here and her DM, but he just says she wants to be here.

I hate the fact I am not even consulted about something that massively effects my life, I am just told. I am not happy about it at all but feel powerless to stop it. I cant physically stop him bringing her here. I cant even go and stay elsewhere whilst she's here due to the lockdown. I feel as though I've lost control over my own home.

Does anyone else feel like this is unfair? How can I deal with this?

OP posts:

Wolfgirrl · 06/05/2020 18:23

What has she actually said/done? Can you give examples?

Standrewsschool · 06/05/2020 18:25

You and dh need a serious conversation about house rules and boundaries and make sure you are singing of the same hymn sheet.

If she’s staying long term with you, then you need to co-parent with dh. Instead of running to dp, you need to disclipine her yourself. Don’t put up with her rudeness. Introduce consequences - take away her phone, turn of internet, etc.

avroroad · 06/05/2020 18:25

Have you tried doing things with her, rather then just asking her to do things within the house?

HollowTalk · 06/05/2020 18:30

Could you go and stay with someone else for the rest of lockdown? I don't like the sound of your husband, tbh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2020 18:32

You CAN go and stay somewhere else during lockdown, is there anyone who could put you up? You can’t keep moving between houses but you can definitely pack a bag, go somewhere where you don’t have to deal with a recalcitrant teen and a useless Disney dad who has no respect for you, and if you miss him when lockdown is over you can go back. You might well find that you don’t...

MangoHat · 06/05/2020 18:36

a) are you supposed to be supervising her schooling?

b) what is her mum doing? (Working at home, working out of the home, furloughed?)

c) why does dsd want to be at yours? Easier life, hangs out with her Dad in the evenings, doesn’t get on with mum?

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/05/2020 18:36

I might be in the minority here but I don’t believe a child needs to ask permission to stay at a parent’s house. They should be able to drop in whenever they need / like. The rules are only different once they are independant adults.

You knew what you were getting into when you married a parent. 13 is a challenging time anyway, and with you not having had teens yourself you would find it more so - just ley your OH do the parenting. If she does as she’s told in front of them then wait until he’s around before telling her what to do. He should also make time for her in the day - she’s his child not yours. It doesn’t matter how hard his job is, it’s not up to you to parent her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2020 18:41

I don’t believe a child needs to ask permission to stay at a parent’s house

Irrelevant and OP isn’t complaining the SD asked to stay but that her husband dictates what happens in their shared household without considering her.

You knew what you were getting into when you married a parent.

Really fucking helpful and appeared quicker than expected, well done

just ley your OH do the parenting

He’s clearly not parenting because he’s so very busy working and expects OP to do it for him, while choosing not to support her.

LemonPudding · 06/05/2020 18:41

When she's there he needs to not be working, explain that to him. If he needs to work then her mother can look after her. You have no responsibility to child mind for him.

hedgehoglurker · 06/05/2020 18:57

She's 13, I don't see what you need to ask of her. Help with chores? Her Dad can ask her. If he won't, then you have a problem with him.

She is 13. Her life has changed so drastically that her head must be spinning - Coronavirus lockdown and moving in with a step-parent who doesn't appear to like her.

From the limited info you have shared, I think you expect too much from her. Maybe try to see things from her point of view and you'll all be happier.

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2020 20:14

Your husband sounds horrendous. It is completely unacceptable for him to tell you she is staying for the duration knowing he would not be available to care for her and you would end up providing full time childcare. You would be well within your rights to not do any of it and then when he says "why aren't you watching DSD", simply say "I'm sorry but you didn't ASK me to provide childcare for you." It sounds like you already have though and amazingly he hasn't got it. He is the absolutely image of entitlement.

I would leave him to it, he absolutely does not deserve your help.

BestestBrownies · 06/05/2020 20:26

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Who does he think he is?!?

Your ‘D’H is taking the piss. What are you? The free help?

Time to stand up for yourself OP

Smythering · 06/05/2020 20:26

Do you ever start a conversation with her other than telling/asking her to do a household task?
Be honest.

Smythering · 06/05/2020 20:27

Your DP Is 100% taking the piss though.

MellowBird85 · 06/05/2020 20:50

You knew what you were getting into when you married a parent

Oh give over, have you no idea how tired this statement is.

carriebreadshaw · 06/05/2020 20:52

Funny how people say "you knew what you were getting in to" how?! How?! OP has no kids. How could she know?
None of us knew what we were getting in to when we had kids, started a new job, got married, took up ultra marathon running.... maybe everyone on the planet should really stop complaining about everything that is the result of a decision they made

carriebreadshaw · 06/05/2020 20:54

But I do second the pp who said to move out and see how much you actually miss this life

SandyY2K · 06/05/2020 21:02

I'd be making a nice comfy space in the house to chill and leave her to it. A 13 year old doesn't really need looking after like that.

Make food available for her...she can make a sandwich for herself...get her own drink...she should be able to wash up after herself.

HeckyPeck · 06/05/2020 21:16

You knew what you were getting into when you married a parent.

This fucking old tripe again 🙄 Funny how you don’t see it when new mum’s post about struggling with their babies not sleeping or mum’s complaining about rude teens.

Anyway, OP I would just leave DSD to do whatever she wants. If doesn’t do school work and sits watching tv all day that’s your husband’s problem and responsibility not yours. If she makes a mess, again that’s not your problem. Your husband can clean it up.

He chose for her to move in so it’s up to him to look after her.

I would only get involved if she was directly affecting me i.e being rude to me or breaking my things etc. Other than that you just have to try and develop a “not my problem” shield.

He doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your time.

Is there somewhere you can sit and enjoy your time?

If not, you are allowed to move out even temporarily during lockdown.

Ilovecats14 · 06/05/2020 21:16

Sit in the garden/watch tv. Tell her to get her dad if she needs anything and can't get it herself.

Northernsoullover · 06/05/2020 21:22

Disengage. I second that you just do your own thing. I'm also sharing a house with two lazy teenagers. I'm completely neglecting them. They can make their own bloody lunch.

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2020 21:28

How do you interact with her, other than telling her to do stuff them telling tales to your husband when she refuses?

Why does your husband think you dislike her? Does she think the same thing.?

HeckyPeck · 06/05/2020 21:33

he's really busy with work so I don't want to constantly disturb him.

To be honest it’s tough crap if he gets disturbed. He decided she was living there, he can do the work it involves.

Imagine if you moved in a relative who needed supervision and then just shut your self in your home office and left your husband to look after them.

He’s only got himself to blame if his work gets disturbed.

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/05/2020 22:12

my DH 'TOLD' me that my DSD was coming to stay indefinitely whilst the schools were closed
He doesn't respect you enough to discuss this with you.

he is working every day and she is left with me
Well of course she is! You're the free babysitter!

Tell him to get off his arse and make time for his kid instead of passing off all responsibilities onto you.....Disneyland is closed - her doesn't get to claim Dad Of The Year for 'having' his dc during lockdown when it's you doing all the looking-after.

Do your own thing and leave him to sort his child out - with everything!
You're too passive and he and his ex are taking the absolute piss out of you.

Original poster

Lewem · 06/05/2020 22:49

It's very hard to do any of that as they are not punishments her DF gives her. He basically has no discipline in place with her. I would definitely use methods like this with my nieces and nephews, but would be pretty impossible with DSD since she never receives this type of punishment from her DF. I would end up looking like the wicked step-mother.

Have you tried doing things with her, rather than just asking her to do things within the house?

I do loads with her, hence the reason she wants to be at our house rather than at home. I bake with her, play games, watch films with her, I constantly give up my time for her. I never neglect her.

The types of things I ask her to do are, for example, yesterday I spend all afternoon cooking a special tapas feast for dinner (her favourite). I told her it would be ready around 5pm. At 3pm she comes in and shoves a massive tray of chips in the oven. I asked her not to as I was cooking a huge dinner. She just ignored me and said she was hungry. Low and behold she barely ate the dinner.

Another example, I asked if she wouldn't mind walking the dog for once, since I was busy in the kitchen cooking for her and she hadn't left the house all week, her response was, 'no I'm fine thanks'.

DH struggles to discipline her at the best of times so I feel like there's no hope of her listening to me.

OP posts:

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