Frustrated.

[lovelyjubbly12]

Not sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this, I just wanted to write it down and tell someone.

I am so frustrated and not 100% sure what I should actually do anymore.

I'm in a relationship with my partner. We are fully committed to each other, we have a mortgage together and joint finances etc.

My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship and she is five. I've been with him for two years now. We are expecting our first child together, I am 28 weeks pregnant.

I do a lot for his little girl. School runs (when school was open) medical appointments, I do the home schooling now and look after her while he is still working as we have her 50/50 with her mum. I cook for her and make her lunches. I take her out for girly days and generally try and treat her like I'd treat my own. And I am more than okay with doing this, I love her.

So a few weeks ago we decided to get a puppy so that our children would have a pet to grow up with. We got the puppy on Monday and my partners been working all week so I've had the puppy and his daughter. It's been fine actually and we've settled well.

But my partner comes home from work and he goes into a separate room (we keep doors closed so we can keep an eye on pup) with his daughter and claims he needs "one on one" time with her as he doesn't want her to feel left out with the puppy.
Today is Saturday. He's doing it again today pretty much all day, leaving me alone with the puppy so he can play with her.

I'm a big girl. I can deal with the fact I'm left alone. Although it sucks big time I haven't actually spent any time with him at all this week. But what I'm worried about is when my baby comes. Will he still take her into another room and leave me alone with the baby and dog? Will he leave my baby out?

He's so focused on his daughter not being left out that he's almost blinded by the fact he's leaving me and the dog out but more importantly I'm worried he will leave me to just be with the baby.

I get he wants to spend time with his daughter, I totally understand that. But surely we could all spend time together? And the more I speak to him about it the less he seems to get it. I'm at wits end.

I just don't know if bringing our child into this household will be the best thing for her if she's going to always be second best. I'd be absolutely heartbroken for her.

Isn't there a balance?
She will have time with her mum and not be at your house all the time - so your husband will have 1:1 time with the baby when big sister isn't there.
Your DSD will still need 1:1 time with her dad without the baby, she will want to do things with him that aren't baby appropriate and that is ok. She should be able to do that. She can also spend plenty of time with all of you, there is a balance to be had.
Now especially, there are a lot of things going on, and at 5 she probably does need extra 1:1 time and reassurance - Coronavirus will be disrupting her routine, she will view puppy and baby as threat and need extra reassurance that Daddy loves her and isn't replacing her.
Talk to him when she's not around and suggest that they do a specific thing - a morning or afternoon just them when she's here and then spend the rest of the time together with you and puppy.
There needs to be a balance, but he absultley does need 1:1 time with her and this will need to continue once the baby is born.

He has a seriously weird idea of parenting. You're a family ffs! Shutting themselves away is not ok. Surely his daughter's confused by it?

I'm not sure it'll work out that way.
The way we have her at the moment (before COVID) is every other evening so she's here every day. It's lovely that we see her so much- we don't miss out then. However he works full time as do I. I'll obviously be on mat leave.

So when he comes home from work she's here and in the mornings she's here so every other day yes in theory he would be home for the baby. Except he's told me he will be doing overtime on the days his daughter ISNT here to earn more money and will make sure he's home on the evenings she is here. So he won't be around when she's not.

I totally get the one on one time. I think it's really important and I've always said to him we would make sure that he gets that when the baby is here as I would hate for either child to feel left out. But I can't help feeling my child is going to be left out. She will see her daddy whenever she slots into his rota as it where. I don't want my child resenting when her sister is here to stay.

I just hope that once she's here it changes the dynamic ever so slightly. So that he realises that he has two number one priorities now and they both need him.

It's so hard as I don't want to dictate at all with his relationship with his daughter. I understand she will always be the first thing he considers and quite rightly so. But I'm just worrying. I think the puppy has shown a little bit what he's like and it just makes me feel sad.

This is really odd. Talk to him about his neglect of you and the pup and see what he says.

Very strange.

I think its completely normal and can understand him wanting some one on one time with his DD. My partner sometimes just things with his DD and I like to have quality time with just my DC too, its important for the child to have time with just their parent.

understand she will always be the first thing he considers and quite rightly so oh hell no. You, her and the baby should all be considered first! He's no right to make decisions without you, you're meant to be a team. If you don't stamp this out you may may find your family split in two.

How old is the daughter? Every other day sounds exhausting, why don't you do every other week?

Ask him to look after the puppy so you can spend some 1:1 time with step-daughter, so she doesn't feel left out.

You will both need opportunities to spend 1:1 time with step-daughter once baby arrives (and opportunities to spend time 1:1 with baby).

Perhaps explaining it this way will help him see that you want what is best for both children; rather than his child and your baby.

@pinkyredrose she's five nearly six. It is what it is, she could turn around and ask to live here realistically as this is one of her homes. It's exhausting with the running around etc but I don't mind the amount she's here. I do truly love her to pieces, she's a lovely little girl.

@TeaAndBiscuits666 I do get quite a lot of 1:1 with her already, as he's working still I home school her Monday-Wednesday and I have her pretty much the whole of those days.

I just don't really get the whole going into a different room so that they're separated from me and pup and having 1:1 for the whole day. To me that is just avoiding looking after a puppy HE asked to have. 1:1 is needed, most defo. But not a whole day for days on end.

When I have his daughter we play some games intermittently. She knows I have the washing, ironing, food prep to do so I will be with her when I can in between those things and then we play. But she also likes to play alone and quite often will say don't worry I'm okay I'm playing with my barbies. But as soon as he's home it's like a different household. So strange.

When they go to another room put the puppy in with them.

I understand she will always be the first thing he considers and quite rightly so

NO.
He doesn’t get to put one child first over the other. There will be times when DSD needs will be top priority, other times the baby will have to be top priority. No decent parent will consistently put one child above another.

Also, if both children were yours and living with you full time, would it be acceptable to shut out his partner and other child for pretty much two full days? Nope.
DSD absolutely does need a bit of extra special daddy time just now, but it’s completely unreasonable to expect her to ALWAYS be the be all and end all.
I’d see how he goes when the reality of being a father of two kicks in. I’m sure he will love both the same and come to his own reasonable conclusions

It's not on for him to be doing overtime whenever she isn't there, and spending all the time she's there only with her. It would be different if that also allowed time for you and the baby, but it doesn't. You need to talk to him about how he plans on dividing his time when the baby is born (though I'd also say it's quite unfair on just you as his partner, but it certainly is when he has another child he's responsible for.) You clearly do a lot for her and have her best interests at heart, you're not doing anything wrong by questioning this.

I should also say, it's incredibly cheeky that he expects so much childcare from you, then draws dividing lines about who is and isn't family when you're all together. You're either a fully blended family, in which you also have responsibility to look after her like she was your own, or you're not. Add to that the fact that he wanted the puppy but expects you to care for it without helping... he sounds like someone who expects a lot from his partner.

You guys need to have a heart to heart before baby arrives .. will he be leaving you with baby and dog whilst he spends time with her? If I read correctly he intends doing overtime when baby arrives but will only work when SD is not around .. THAT would infuriate me! Will YOU not need help with baby? Will he not want to have one on one time with baby whilst SD is at her mums?

Did he want another child .?
He doesn’t seem very excited by the prospect.
I don’t agree that the first child is always the priority. ThatShouldn’t be the case when partner has2children so discussions need to be had now.
Surely his daughter would like to play with the puppy!?

Your day on day off set up sounds really unsettling for everyone. How are you supposed to get into a routine. Can you not do week on week off? That’s what I do with my DSS’s. Also him working extra hours on the days he doesn’t have DD is not ok, even before the baby arrives that’s your time. Once the baby is here you will need that help and support. I think people take for granted when you are a step mum that you are using to having kids, but having your first baby is incredibly overwhelming and you need help.
Lastly shutting himself away with DD is not ok, more then ever you should be bonding as a family. She also needs to understand that she will soon have to share her Daddy and that’s ok. All this one on one time will make it much harder once the baby arrives. Realistically when you have more then one child under non split home circumstances they older ones just have to suck up that they get less attention. But it seems with step kids the consensus is it’s harder on them for some reason?!

What he is doing sounds really odd, parents often over compensate when separated. I would talk to him again, he's treating you in an inconsiderate way, especially as you are home Ed-ing his daughter for him! His daughter needs 1:1 time of course but this is extreme.

The baby was most defo wanted by both of us. She was very much planned so I know he does want another baby. He is excited, but says he worries how this will now affect my stepdaughter. I should add her mum had a baby a year ago, so she's already got a little sister and she absolutely adores her. She is always excited to go see her little sister.

We wouldn't be able to change the set schedule. Both her mum and my partner don't like going too long without seeing her. They would both defo not agree to going a full week without her even if it meant having a full week with her. They basically both want her full time which is impossible.

I've spoken to him tonight and he's saying he's just worried he won't have time when the baby comes. He says that he knows he wanted the puppy but when the baby is here he said he's gonna be "stuck" with the puppy and not able to give his daughter any time... so basically in his mind I'm already with the baby. God knows how I'll get through to him that we are all one team. We will all play together and be together. I've already said to him I plan on involving my step daughter as much as possible. Have her help me feed, bath, cloth baby when she wants too. She can watch a film with me while I feed baby etc. But he's convinced he needs to take her away from everyone else and have 1:1 otherwise it's "leaving her out" ...

I think it's purely quilt in my eyes. Because she's not here full time when she is here he feels like he has to spend every moment with her. I'm just hoping everyone finds their feet a little when the baby comes and he loosens up a little and realises he has two children and he must spend time with both.

Wow this is absolutely unreal! I would totally put my foot down. Who does he think he is? He thinks he's working overtime in the nights he doesn't have his daughter. That's so not on, he can't just decide you're doing all the childcare for HIS new baby without even agreeing it with you. I really hope you're going back to work after you've had your baby.

The taking her into a room and shutting the door so he can spend time with her is very strange. Surely you'd all hang out in the living room if he wants to spend time with her. Very strange.

What I am most worried about for you is the fact that you aren't married AND obviously not working - therefore financially reliant on him. Did you not consider marriage when planned this child

. (Ignore if you have huge private income that negates your loss of income)

HE doesn't have his DD 50/50 - YOU do!

HE is carrying on the same as always living his life on his terms only - leaving the latest woman in his life to do the hard slog of building the facade of a relationship and blended family - when is reality he just flits in and out and does as he pleases.

Funny how precious alone/ one on one time with his DD never translates into doing the actual parental stuff - that he leaves to you.
He's just doing his version of Disney Dad.

Both her mum and my partner don't like going too long without seeing her that's actually very selfish of them both. They're thinking of their own needs not of their daughters.

What would happen if you walked into the room they were spending time 1 on 1?

Is the door always closed?

1:1 time is incredibly important, especially for children of separated parents. BUT what he doing is Really weird and false.

And I agree it’s extra odd given you have her 50% of the time and you are doing tons of childcare.

Is the amount you do for her going to be sustainable when you have the baby? Does your DH show any interest in her home schooling etc?

Definitely time to have a chat.

I'd be telling him that rehoming the pup might be best, as it's too much on you.

Its not fair that the care of the puppy is almost entirely left to you...I see that new baby arrives and you'll be super stressed with a puppy and a baby.

Either he figures out a way to do his share with the puppy or it goes. I would be very firm about it.