DFs daughter

[roking]

Not really sure what I'm looking for here. I'm just running out of patience. Today has been particularly bad which is what has prompted me to post

I've been with my fiancé for 5 years now. We moved in together around 3 years ago. I have a 13yo daughter from a previous relationship and he has 2 daughters from his marriage who are 12 and 7. We have the girls 50/50 and would be very happy if it wasn't for his eldest daughter. There are absolutely no problems with the little one. She is an absolute angel. She is kind, funny, helpful and generally a joy to have around.

His eldest, is the complete opposite of her sister. She goes out of her way to cause trouble and wind people up. Everything has to be her way or life isn't worth living for the people around her.

She is very competitive with my daughter, everything they do is a competition and she always has to "win". She does things like counting the likes they have on Tiktok/Instagram and creates new accounts to like all her own posts to make sure she has more. She creates accounts dedicated to her pets to do this, she even has an Instagram account for her grandmas dog (I'm not joking) simply so she can like all her own posts. She takes and hides my daughters things all the time, then they miraculously reappear with a completely fabricated elaborate story of how she "found" them. Everything my daughter gets she has something bad to say about it, or knows someone who has the same thing and said it was rubbish

She also constantly deliberately breaks tings that belong to her sister and my daughter

She is horrible to her little sister. She screams and shouts at her 24/7. She constantly tells her she is stupid and everything she says is wrong. Everytime they pass each other she hits, kicks or punches her but if her sister dares to retaliate she screams the place down that her little sister is bullying her

She buts in when anyone is talking and constantly talks over people because she thinks she is right all the time. If you tell her to be quiet she just keeps taking, or gets louder and louder until you can't hear yourself think.

She thinks she has the right to make all the decisions in our house, from what we are eating, to what films we watch or who sits where in the car. She even tries to control what order people have a bath in and will have a major strop when she is told she doesn't get to make those decisions. It's exhausting

She has always been like this but is getting worse. I have tried everything to sort this out. I have spoken to her to see how she was feeling. It didn't help. I have put time aside each week to take her places one on one. It didn't help. I have taken her and my daughter to get nails/make up done while the little one went swimming with her dad. It didn't help. Her dad has spent untold amounts of time with her just the 2 of them. It didn't help.

My fiancé won't do anything about it. He says it's just the way she is but he has always favoured his eldest over her little sister and refuses to see any bad in her. it's causing major issues in our house and it can't continue. I'm at the end of my tether, my daughter is at breaking point and the little one said to me today that she wishes she could just have one day where her sister wasn't there so that no one would hit her or shout at her 😔 She is 7 years old! She should not be feeling like that

Any ideas?

Glad everyone got their say OP it's sounds like DSD1 is struggling socially that could be the reason why she's opened new instergram account to prove how popular she is.

Maybe try and set aside half an hour every couple off days to see how she is feeling emotionally.(it's tough being a teenage girl theses days with all the social pressures of social media and friends at school) taking it out on DS &DSS seems like easy targets for getting them emotions out especially if she thinks they are leaving her out.

It might be beneficial for her seeing someone professionally anyway to help her deal with the split up off her parents.

Also if your doing games leave monopoly out off the equation as that game can start WW3

I think more guided time together for all 3 girls would possibly help too.

Have a list of films that they can all watch and each takes a turn in them all watching it together - preferably downstairs where you can keep a gentle eye on it.

Another list of films that are only suitable for the older 2 and they have time together watching them, again taking it in turns. This could be done with other activities too... so it isn't always DD and DSD2 doing stuff together.

Also a family "box" anyone get put in how they feel about something that has happened - good stuff (from you and DF most probably) as well as bad stuff. It should be anonymous but that could be difficult but perhaps you ought to be the keeper of the box so the girls know only you will know who has written what.

You could help each girl write stuff privately to start with, would be good if you and DF can put in plenty of positives about DSD.

So "I felt so hurt there were only 2 new cups"

"I was so happy that we all enjoyed playing a game together"

So focus on how people feel without accusations.

Hopefully your DD is old enough that she will collaborate in writing positive things about DSD too.

It sounds like your talk went well and everyone seems to be really aware of their own behaviour which is really good because her behaviour sounded exhausting and so stressful.
She sounds like she needs positive reinforcement, and df needs to hear her receiving praise so he doesn’t default into turning a blind eye, so try and do that but also sit down with the other two and explain what your doing and why so they don’t feel sd1 is getting praised for behaviour that’s expected as standard from them.
Also, you admit you are harder on her with things like cups in her room so maybe try and be mindful of that and make a conscious effort to ask all of them to bring their cups down each morning so it’s the same.
Things won’t change overnight thought so with regards to managing the negative behaviour, getting a lockable box for dd and sd2 could be a good idea, also even though it’s really annoying, getting a sharpie and dividing things out and writing each child’s initial on their crisp packet, can of pop, yoghurt etc so there’s no argument about who that can belonged to in your example. It won’t stop her sneakily taking them but it would stop the rubbing it her little sister’s face.

What a brilliant discussion. Sounds like she really opened up and she identified lots of small specific changes you could make that might make her feel more accepted and happier. That's seriously impressive.

OP -hats off to you all. 3 adults working together to help a lonely confused child who is lashing out.

As you said no one understood why she was doing it and now everyone is aware, without her being made to feel awful. You all gave her a voice and her demons, whether you agree with all of them did have basis for her.

So much better thn the earlier OP, who laid dwon the law and daughter is now no contact and still behaving badly.

For once on this forum a mature response - lets hope it helps her and the others to come to a better place.

Well done OP

Wow what an amazing discussion. You should be so proud of her for being able to articulate that.

My eldest is similar - loud outspoken and at one point really mean to her younger sisters. They are twins so definately some her and them going on. The turning point for us was when it came up in conversation that one of her sisters hated her. My DD1 really cried and from them on it was better. I hope you have a similar experience after your talk.

I am aware that my twins aren't perfect and after a couple of instances where they were told off for behaviour relating to DD1 I think she felt that we were being fair. Their misbehaviour usually is at a low level but DD1 just sees it as black and white.

Lastly I add a term of endearment when i speak to all of them. It's not a big deal but adding darling, honey, love, sweetie etc when I'm asking them to do things or just talking to them has made our house sooooo much better!! It worked super quickly too!

You all did a great job having that meeting. I actually feel really sorry for DSD1 now. It's so hard to know what's going on inside someone else's mind, but I'm sure she feels glad to have it off her chest.

The bit where she said she loved having a sister in your DD when they were younger was very moving.

Also the realisation that she is the only one who has experienced a family break up is important.

I think the way she recalled specific events (like when her mum took her phone away) shows she is genuinely hurt and she feels like she's treated differently and less favourably.

She's not a bad kid from everything you've said and the update. She just wants to feel loved and treated like the others. As much as you all know you love her, she needs to feel it, because perception is her reality.

All the adults working together in the best interests of her and your daughters is the key thing and I have a lot of admiration for how the 3 of you dealt with it... but particularly you, because you were the one to make that meeting happen. You're a brilliant SM.

Well done OP. You really stepped up to help your dsd1 when no one else did. I hope you can all make changes to help her feel more included so she stops the mean girl behaviour. I was really impressed with the way she opened up too, and identified how she was feeling. That couldn't have been easy.

Good luck with it all.