Partner's son talks about his mum all the time

[KathrynG1988]

Hi I was hoping for some advice.

I've been with my partner for two years now, has a son who is 12. My partner and I live together and have done for about a year.

The last few weeks when his son comes over, he'll talk to me a lot about what his mum likes, what she does, what she cooks and bakes, what activities they do together etc. Sometimes my partner will ask questions of his son about his mum around me too.

My partner's ex is also still involved with his family heavily and my partner does her food shopping at the moment when we go to get ours to be helpful.

I've spoken to my partner and said I understand his son loves his mum and she's a great mum, but I'm finding it hard to hear him talk about her so often as I feel compared and judged. I can be making something and he'll tell me his mum does it a different way, or she makes her own bread etc. Im all for fostering positive relationships with the ex, but I don't want to hear about her as often as I am. Ive asked that he try to not engage as fully in the chats and that he not bring her up himself. He said he understood and that was fine.

But then at dinner last night my partner asked a couple of questions about his ex again. That caused a conversation about what she does. After I'd already had a day of his son telling me that his mum does xyz, when I'm doing something with him.

I tried to talk to my partner and he's reacted badly and said I shouldn't be this sensitive and it shows I dont have children.

I'm not asking him to stop his son talking about his mum. Just try to redirect and not bring her up himself.

He then went and angrily (aimed at me) told his son not to talk about his mum infront of me. Which will now cause problems.

I don't know what to do, any advice would be appreciated.

He wasn't rude to his child, he had an outburst after being told yet again to police what his child says in his own home!! I cannot imagine telling my child not to talk about someone they are close with, let alone a parent.

She said he angrily told him not to talk about his mum because she didn't like it. That is very rude in my book. And again, she didn't ask him to tell him not to talk about her. She just asked him to avoid bringing it up himself and to try and subtely move the conversation on. That's not nearly so extreme. He's the one that brought "not allowed" into the equation.

This isn't going to work out, best leave now.
The child is going to talk about his mum and so should your dp be able to talk about her, as often as they like. YABU.

But who wants to be with someone who gets angry with his partner and brings his child into it?
Find somebody who isn't someone else's cast off. He sounds awful tbh.

are youcomptetive with all women or just this one?

surely its not hard to work out that getting a child not to talk about his mum is not a good move?

ifeelsorry for this kid that his dad is involved with someone this insecure.

As a step mum, of course you're being compared to his mum.

Had exactly the same with my DSC when they were younger and I would always just reply with a 'that's nice/funny/interesting' whatever the appropriate response was.

He's just letting you know what mum is best and that's fine.

Interestingly, I found out that at home, DSD in particular spent all of her time boring her mum and stepdad with tales of how wonderful life is at our house- it goes both ways!

It's just a tricky phase you all have to navigate - tense for everyone. I can see why it's so annoying to you and makes your DP feel trapped on three sides.

I'd work out what's behind it. He might be feeling unsettled that she does things one way and you doing things a different way. You can reassure him by saying in a friendly way, 'Yes there are lots of good ways to do this. How do you do it?' Or something similar. Or 'I do it this way because... and I bet your mum has good reasons for doing it her way.' That way you get rid of any sense of competition .

He may be intentionally trying to create competition because he feels loyal to his mum. In which case the tactic above will help.

Or he may privately prefer your way of doing some things and feel guilty so instead of criticising her, he tests your reaction by mentioning it, to see if you will sneer or criticise her. I bet you'll find that she gets similar conversations when he gets home to her. 'KathrynG and dad do it this way.'

Or he may just be curious or chatty and trying to work out the wider world. We all think our parents way of doing things is THE way until we discover variations. You've only lived with hid dad for 12 months so he may just now be picking up on different ways of life and habits.

He will talk about you to his Dad and you to his Mum too. I know its hard for everybody but just try and not take it to heart.

I'm a SM so have experienced this.

@aSofaNearYou I can see that you are not going to see this from any POV except the op's, as far as you are concerned a child is in the wrong, not an adult.

So I think that I have said just about all I can to you on this matter.

@differentnameonthis .... tbh I thought I made it quite clear that I think her partner is at fault, who is also an adult. I think the child is being a bit rude, probably unintentionally, but I've never said I think he is "at fault"

I tried to talk to my partner and he's reacted badly and said I shouldn't be this sensitive and it shows I dont have children

I wouldn't bother with this relationship tbh. Not with this insensitive comment on top of all else. You've not been together that long/not married/don't have children and that comment is a red flag.

Unless you can meekly and quietly accept ex being on a pedestal and having to hear about her all the time you're on a hiding to nowhere. Nothing wrong with son talking about his Mum a lot, he's young and coming to terms with things in his own way. Your partner, however, is a troublemaker for bringing up ex & instigating conversation about her, angrily going to his son telling him not to talk about his Mum in front of you. No need at all to handle it like that. He knows son will tell his Mum what was said, too. This man is negging you.

Honestly I couldn't be asked with all that for the sake of a man. They're not going extinct anytime soon. But obviously you know best if you feel you can be without him or not so if you are staying then good luck, maybe try to approach him again to explain how you feel, what else can you do?

But I agree, there's very little debate to be had if you simply think a child can never be in the wrong, and an adult must soak up any degree of unpleasantness simply because they are an adult.

There can be a middle ground where anyone, or no one, could be in the wrong, and everyone's feelings can be considered and respected at the very least by the person with a responsibility to both of them - the partner.

*OP! You have been in this child's family life for two years as a peripheral member and one year as a more visible member.

His mother on the other hand has been in his life for 12 years, his formative years, and he sees more of her than he does of you. Of course he talks about her, of course he sees how things in your homes are different, and of course he thinks that the way things happen at his mums house is the way things should happen, and of course his mums opinions are important to him, they are the opinions that have shaped his life.

Poor kid, he is trying to walk a tightrope between two different lives, having to remember what is done in each home.*

OP I think if you dont want to hear about your DP's ex from their child you really shouldn't be dating a man with children from a previous relationship. You are the adult and he is the child, completely understandable why his whole world is his mum and he is actively trying to share that with you. Redirecting when he mentions his mum will make him realise you dont want or care to know about his life and it is "bad " to talk about a significant portion of his life. It's only downhill from here OP-I honestly don't see you ever having a positive relationship with your DSS

The child is the only one who hasn't done anything wrong here.

The OP shouldn't have asked her BF not to talk to his DS about his mum and he shouldn't have blurted out what he did.

His actions were unquestionably more damaging to his son.

Tbh for that reason alone I'd end the relationship....because if he is so stupid not to recognise or realise the impact of what he did to his own child, he's not a good parent and not worth being with.

That coupled with your insecurities about his Ex, really shows this isn't going to work out for you.

OP as the mum in this story it can be just as harsh on the other end. When my children first started staying over at their dads and GF house (6weeks after her ran off with her) my children did this to me. They mentioned the GF lots when they were at home. Exactly like the comments you mentioned.

I hated it at first, I was jealous as my emotions were all over the place. But I soon realised it was their way of bringing their two homes and two families together. It was also a sort of test to see if they could mention their other parent in the other home.

They soon learnt they could openly talk about their dad and GF in our home, Id ask how they are when they come back etc. Its no different than if they visited another family member or friend.

Their dad however took a different route, they are not allowed to mention me or my family. He will tolerate to discuss my parents dog and that's it. It means my eldest doesnt go and the youngest panics when I'm even in the house and their dad facetimes. I'm supposed to leave the room and stay out if he facetimes.

Be careful, the children are the innocent parties, it's nothing malicious. It's good he tells you about her. I know it's hard, but you have to rise above it. It gets easier and when they realise that they can freely speak of all their life it happens less as they relax.

I was in a very similar position to @Chucklecheeks01 & like her I never stopped the kids talking about their df & his gf. However, I never specifically asked after them - I would enquire more along the lines of "did you guys have fun at your dad's this weekend?" I would open up the conversation for them & then let it peeter out naturally - I'd let them talk but I'd not question. I also would change subject (subtly) if they brought up their dad at meal times as meal times, for me, were my down time with my kids.
When I was with my dp he had no problem with my kids talking about their dad but if they did I would again, acknowledge what they were saying but then move on so to this end I agree with @aSofaNearYou & think that OP's dp is being a bit of an arse as there's no need to discuss his exw at family meal times with his current partner. That's exclusionary - it's like being out with a group of people who've all been to college together but you haven't, and they keep talking stuff that you can't identify with or have no interest in - it's just plain rude.
And no, I don't think the kid is at fault here - his dad is & what he said to the kid about op was dreadfully unfair to op & puts her in an awful position.

My DSS talks about his Mum a lot when he's here. Doesn't bother me. But it's not in the context of she does things this way etc. Just general chat.

Apparently at home he talks about me all the time. Chesney did this with me, Chesney bought me this etc. She doesn't mind either. Because she knows it means I'm taking care of him.

Wow he’s just a child talking about his mum. My ds is open to talk to me about his stepmum and his dad because they are part of his life. I actively ask him how they are after he’s been to visit as I’m genuinely interested. They are an active part of his life. His family.

Let kids act like kids.

@differentnameforthis I strongly disagree with you here:
He wasn't rude to his child, he had an outburst after being told yet again to police what his child says in his own home!!

He WAS rude and unfair.
Yes, he has had a outburst after being nagged BUT that outburst must be directed to the person who caused it with nagging (stepmother).
To attack your own child is totally wrong. I won't even try to list all the aspects here.

@Annamaria14
Your comment : Children should be asked . "Do you want to see your stepmother at all?" Because they are strangers to them.

Your comment has no logic in it. No strange can be a stepmother. To be a stepmother you have relationship with a child. (maybe a good or a bad relationship, but they are no strangers).

I find that you don't give enough respect to children. Believe me, they WILL speak out if they don't like dad's (or mum's) new love interest.

@humanvision123 have you had a stepmother? Because you seem a bit naive to the situation. Many stepmothers hate their exes kids. It is a relationship that the child should not be in.

I lived with my mother, I had a stepmother living with ny dad and she hated me and my brother.

My friend also had a stepmother, and he said when he would go to visit his dad - and his dad was out working, his stepmother would shout and scream at him, not let him eat, and make him work for her all day.

If you think about it - why would a woman like children that belong to her partners ex?

It is a situation that the child should not be in at all.

I had this from my 4 step kids for years.

There's something different about it than just "talking about Mum".

My eldest step daughter would turn every conversation round to her Mum.

Unlike OP, my partner and his ex had a terrible relationship and I always thought it had made the kids insecure and unhappy and this was the reason for it.

Of course it's normal for kids to talk about their Mum but it was almost obsessive and felt very unhealthy.

I don't know a magic answer but I just tried to be polite and then move the conversation on.

I do understand how it makes you feel and it actually stopped me doing a lot of the things I enjoyed in my own home because I knew if Mum baked cakes or grew veg or cooked certain meals etc,I stopped doing those things because of the constant comparisons that were made. It's incredibly draining and in my case, with 4 step kids in my home much of the week every week it was very difficult to take sometimes.

The kids are grown up now and I would still say the eldest is the most insecure. All the kids feel disappointed in their mother as adults (they have all told me this) and I wonder if all the talking about Mum was actually because they felt she needed "bigging up" in their own minds.

My own son used to visit his dad and he told me he found his step siblings behaviour odd as he didn't do it as his dads.

@Annamaria14 - you have had a terrible experience it is very clear.

I am not quite a step mother, I spend time with my partners children and we have loads of fun together. Sometimes his youngest is rude to me, because he is a 6 year old boy trying to make sense of his world.

I love his kids, and make plans to do fun things with them all the time. You say why should a woman like her partners children - well why should someone hate an innocent child? It is not their fault! Those children belong to my partner and my aim is that we build a relationship of trust.

Not everyone dislikes the step children, and I am sorry you have had such a bad experience. Please stop using your experience to say that women will not like their partners children. There are challenges, as with any situation like this but believe me,there are plenty of people trying their best and actually getting on with the children that are in their care. I see it as an honour to be part of their lives and their mother has thanked me for what we do together.

If you think about it - why would a woman like children that belong to her partners ex?

I very much like my husband's children! And I like his ex too!

This isn't a Disney movie, I'm not some wicked woman who wants to lock her husband's kids in a dungeon beneath my house and treat them like slaves.

I'm sorry for the poor experience you've had but it certainly isn't universal.

@gobblegob it wasn't just me - my friend had a stepmother that ruined his life too.

No, in his thirties, he still wakes up in panic attacks, because of her.

Yes, there are good step parents too, but it is a situation where the child should be hiven more options.

If the father's new partner hated the child to the point where she is extremely abusive, the child should be able to choose to see the dad at the grandparent's house instead

Here comes the wicked stepmother trope again.

Please don't tarnish us all with the same brush.
My step children are my world and I love them more than I could even explain.

People have a misconception of the level of work you have to put in to create a bond with children that are not biologically theirs and the effort isn't for everyone.

This poor kid just needs some attention and he's trying to get it how he knows best at the present.
It's early days but I have faith if the OP makes effort to understand and create a bond with this child that they don't need to be hurt or jealous about mum being mentioned.

I don't think anyone would disagree with you if a SM was abusive Anna.

But regular old SPs who are just trying their best often get a lot of crap too. Telling a child 'you don't have to see/be nice to this person' is wrong imo. Lots of children struggle initially when their parents move on. Providing the partner is kind and welcoming, I don't think children should be given the power to decide that. And I'm talking situations where a step parent lives in their home, do you really expect someone to leave every time their partners child comes round?

Just because you and your friend had horrible experiences does not make it a rule. Lots of children given that power, would be unkind, dismissive of step parents simply because they aren't their mum/dad. Providing the child is being treated well and is safe, I don't think that should be encouraged.