Partner's son talks about his mum all the time

[KathrynG1988]

Hi I was hoping for some advice.

I've been with my partner for two years now, has a son who is 12. My partner and I live together and have done for about a year.

The last few weeks when his son comes over, he'll talk to me a lot about what his mum likes, what she does, what she cooks and bakes, what activities they do together etc. Sometimes my partner will ask questions of his son about his mum around me too.

My partner's ex is also still involved with his family heavily and my partner does her food shopping at the moment when we go to get ours to be helpful.

I've spoken to my partner and said I understand his son loves his mum and she's a great mum, but I'm finding it hard to hear him talk about her so often as I feel compared and judged. I can be making something and he'll tell me his mum does it a different way, or she makes her own bread etc. Im all for fostering positive relationships with the ex, but I don't want to hear about her as often as I am. Ive asked that he try to not engage as fully in the chats and that he not bring her up himself. He said he understood and that was fine.

But then at dinner last night my partner asked a couple of questions about his ex again. That caused a conversation about what she does. After I'd already had a day of his son telling me that his mum does xyz, when I'm doing something with him.

I tried to talk to my partner and he's reacted badly and said I shouldn't be this sensitive and it shows I dont have children.

I'm not asking him to stop his son talking about his mum. Just try to redirect and not bring her up himself.

He then went and angrily (aimed at me) told his son not to talk about his mum infront of me. Which will now cause problems.

I don't know what to do, any advice would be appreciated.

[aSofaNearYou]

He didn't need to deliberately start a conversation about her the very same evening his partner had opened up to him about it making her uncomfortable. He brought it up, not his son. It would have made no difference to the child whether he started that conversation at that moment, given that they clearly talk about her often and SS feels perfectly free to do so. Choosing to make the statement of disregarding her feelings in front of the child, when she would be expected to not react and keep her composure, was spiteful and cruel.

[Haffdonga]

You don't want your partner's child to talk about his mum? Why on earth would that be? Do you want to somehow pretend she doesn't exist at all? Does even hearing about her make you feel insecure?

It's totally normal and natural that a child chats about their main carer and probably the most central person in their life. It's completely normal for dc to compare the way different households do things (and even to like their mum's way best). Take it as a compliment that your partner's son is comfortable enough with you to chat about his mum. Act the grown up here and show interest. Wow, your mum makes all her own bread. That's great. What's your favourite type of bread that she makes?

You don't sound very confident in yourself. Let your partner's ds see that you do things differently from his mum without judgement or insecurity and that you're happy that way. If you're unhappy even to hear that there are other people in this child's life that he loves then he is never going to trust you.

[aSofaNearYou]

If you're unhappy even to hear that there are other people in this child's life that he loves then he is never going to trust you.

It's highly unlikely she's jealous of the relationship the child has with his mum. Lots of people just don't particularly enjoy going through life constantly talking about/being compared to their partner's ex.

It's not odd that his son wouldn't get that but hardly too much to ask for her adult partner to take it into consideration.

[trappedsincesundaymorn]

The way you react to the child talking about his mum will determine how he reacts with you in the yeras to come. I have been both a stepmum and a mum whose child visited her father and his (now) wife. My interaction with my stepdaughter (who since my divorce from her dad 20 years ago, means that technically she is no longer my stepdaughter but hey ho), when she was young meant that now as a grown woman, she still rings and skypes me regularly. My daughter, on the other hand, has very little conatact with her fathers family because every time she went there as a child all talk of me was banned.
If you OH's son tells you his mum makes her own bread then why not put a positive spin on it..."I tried to make my own bread once but it was like a brick, maybe next time you're here we could have a go and see if it's any better" type of thing. Ultimately it's up to you what kind of stepmother you want to be and what kind of relationship you want with the child.

[trappedsincesundaymorn]

*years...should have proof read before sending.

[HerondaleDucks]

Sounds like he's trying to share his life with you?
Don't take it as a criticism. It's his mum. All children talk about their parents.

I am a step mother. You are being overly sensitive to this. Take it as a cue he's engaging in conversation with you.

[saraclara]

Your step son is a child, so obviously, his mum is a big part of his life. You can’t expect your DH not to talk to his son about things that involve his mother, as that would mean not talking to him about a huge part of his life.

That. And the very fact that he engages with you and is comfortable sharing and chatting is something you should take as a compliment, rather than begrudging it

[IdblowJonSnow]

Sounds difficult but if he's doing it in a naive way rather than pointed you should suck it up for now. Your partner handled it badly imo...
Focus on the good bits of your relationship with DSS and a pp had a great suggestion about doing an activity he doesn't do with his mum.
Maybe he goes home and rambles on about you!!

[lunar1]

The chances are he comments to his mum about you and his dad as well. It's not likely to be one way. Personally I think it's incredibly harmful to children growing up if they feel they can't talk about what happens at the other house.

Children have one life and one mind, they shouldn't have to feel they need to keep everything separated. It's probably a sign that he is comfortable around you that he talks about his mum.

I wouldn't do anything to discourage it. Your partner should talk about things his son wants to talk about, as long as there is nothing mean about it.

You sound like you are going a great job, perhaps you both need to apologise to him for yours and DP's spat though. He's old enough to understand that you both feel under pressure with the lockdown and didn't mean what was said.

[copycopypaste]

It's just a phase, I think most kids do this from time to time in the same circumstances. My dukes yo o t about my ex gf. I just change the conversation or tell them what I like to do

[dontdisturbmenow]

The key matter is why is it making you feel k secure? Surely you are not rating yourself compared to her based on the type of bread you bake or not?

What is probably grating with your oh is your insecurity when there are most likely no reason to feel so. Are you insecure in your relationship about other aspects?

[SandyY2K]

You should have handled this better ad the adult. When he says my mum does X this way...you say that's nice and continue doing it your way.

Or you say...lovely...it's great how there are so many different ways to do the same thing isn't it.
Then give an example...like the route to get yo.a destination....like when we go swimming....that way you divert his attention and you can start talking about something else....like the swimming for example.

Now...he could go and tell his mum he isn't allowed to talk about her in front of you.

That won't go down well. I don't see anything wrong in him asking about his son's mum.... it shows they get on well enough and that's what the child needs to see.

Maybe this isn't the relationship for you..... to an extent I agree that maybe not having kids makes you not understand it.

[aSofaNearYou]

You should have handled this better ad the adult

Surely it was her partner that handled it badly, though? She had a private conversation with him, and he chose to make a scene in front of his son and tell him he wasn't allowed to talk about his mum in front of her. I don't see any evidence that OP handled anything poorly.

[Spied]

Sounds to me like he's trying to cultivate a family unit whereby you all know each other and get along.
Maybe he's worried his mum is forgotten about so he's trying to tell you about her and integrate her into the dynamic?
Sounds like your DP is sensitive to this and is trying his best. You however sound insecure.
I'd be extra sensitive with all that's going on at the moment.
Maybe your partners son goes home to his mum and can't stop talking about his dad and you.
I think he's just looking for a secure unit during this difficult time.

[Jamjar18]

I think your partner has been out of order by asking questions about his mother at the dinner table in front of you, especially after you saying it bothered you. He can have 1 on 1 conversations with him if he wants to ask question. It’s also not really any of his business. Plenty of other things can be discussed at the dinner table that isn’t his ex! How would he feel if you started talking about one of your ex’s over dinner.
However if DSS is bringing her up in front of you I don’t think you can really stop that. He’s making conversation and I don’t think there is any malice meant to it. Lots of good advice on here about batting it off and changing the conversation. He’s obviously proud of his mum and loves her very much which is lovely. You never know, he might be going back to his mother and doing the same thing the other way round!

[HeckyPeck]

he says my mum only watches films as series are for people who have too much time, my mum doesn't drink when I'm having a drink with dinner, when I'm making toast saying my mum makes her own bread, buying pizza and he says my mum makes hers. These are hard to hear and do make me feel judged, but I would never say that to him

As an adult you wouldn’t go to your parent in law’s house for example and if they cooked frozen pizza say “oh my mum and dad always make it from scratch” or if they had a glass of wine “my parents don’t drink”

It would be considered rude.

Surely the job of parents is to prepare your kids for life as an adult.

I think for those examples the parents I know would gently correct the statements (especially at aged 12).

OP I don’t think it was wrong of you to talk to your DP, particularly as the comments are rude (whether intentionally or not doesn’t really matter).

Your DP’s response was ridiculous. To angrily involve his child in your disagreement is incredibly shit of him. He basically lost his temper and angrily used his son to score a point and didn’t give a crap about the repercussions for either of you.

Is he normally like that when you disagree?

[HeckyPeck]

Sounds like your DP is sensitive to this and is trying his best.

I might agree with that if her partner hadn’t angrily involved his son in their disagreement. If that’s his best I’d hate to see his worst.

[Areallthenamestaken]

It could be that he sees you as family and wants to share with you - you never know, he might be mentioning you to his mum!

You also say the extended families are still close and that your partner and his ex have a good co-parenting relationship what with him picking up food for her. The lines are quite blurred and everyone seems to talk to everyone so it would be unfair to ask him not to talk to you about her when his dad's parents etc still see and get on with her.

My parents separated when I was a teen and there was an awkward period where everyone felt uncomfortable when my siblings and I brought up our mum or my stepsister brought up her dad but we all got over it. His mum is a big part of his life. It's hard for him not to talk about her when he lives with her.

I can understand it feeling strange but hopefully in time it will become normal. I'm now in my 30s and we can mention all of our parents to one another without anyone being bothered - which is amazing because things did not end well AT ALL. They see one another for family occasions and get along well and everyone is comfortable even though they're not friends.

It sounds like your step son is trying to navigate a new family and there are bound to be teething difficulties. Unless he's comparing you unfavourably I would try not to let it get to you.

[aSofaNearYou]

I think for those examples the parents I know would gently correct the statements (especially at aged 12).

I think you have a good point. Looking at the comments he's making, they are all critical by nature, and I do think by 12 he should be, or needs to become, aware of that. He's not just mentioning her, he's specifically commenting on ways in which she does things better, and it does sound quite rude.

I think it's your partner behaving dreadfully here, but actually at the same time SS is being quite rude for his age and should be discouraged. People will struggle to get along with him if he's always going around telling people how he/someone he knows does things better than them. I've seen the same thing in my SS, when he is talking to adults and other children, he tends to try and relate to them by telling them how many things he has, how he has a better version of what they have etc, and other children seem to find that quite off putting, as it's basically bragging. And he's much younger than OPs stepson.

[Songbird232018]

You know what I has this issue the first couple of years..I found that by me asking questions about their life and home and favourite meals mum cooks, fav shows they watch with mum etc that as I brought it up more they brought it up less....
I think its maybe a coping mechanism kids have to make sure you know that they have a mum and a dad and that too are neither:) I wouldnt take it too personally but dont ignore either try to engage x

[penisbeakers]

Wow the loathing of step parents on here is so very real. OP is a human being and feeling really shit and apparently her feelings don't matter one iota?

OP your partner was out of order for doing that in front of his child. That's on him, not you.

It's not nice to be compared constantly. It's also not nice to be told you have to put up and shut up like your feelings don't matter.

[Eskdale2004]

My DSD does this sometimes. It doesn’t bother me to be honest. I don’t want her to feel as though talking about her mum should be a taboo under our roof.

[NoCauseRebel]

My eXH told DS to not talk about me in front of his new partner because it would upset her.

One Christmas I bought presents for her and her daughter from him because I was out shopping and he was at school. EXH told him that he shouldn’t tell her I’d bought the presents because that would be upsetting for her. So the next year I didn’t bother.

And you know what? DS hasn’t stayed there for five years.

Feeling compared is understandable, but there are multiple threads on MN from people who had step parents who made it known that they didn’t like their other parent being discussed and it caused nothing but resentment and damage to the relationship with the biological parent on that side.

As for it being inappropriate to talk about someone you aren’t married to or daring to do shopping for them, WTF? Most people on here resent the awful relationships they personally have with their ex’s because it makes things so difficult, now someone has a decent relationship with their ex and this is wrong?

I often ask my DS about his dad and how he is. His family have gone through bereavement in the past year and he’s been the one having to hold it together. Ironically I actually don’t have a very good relationship with him, but I did manage to get a grocery slot recently and did text to ask if he needed anything and he could pick it up off my doorstep.

We’re all in an unprecedented situation and life’s far too short to keep hold of all this bitterness.

[BuddingBuddy]

Now...he could go and tell his mum he isn't allowed to talk about her in front of you

Yeah.. because of her DP. He's the one who chose to involve his son in this.

As far as I can tell OP has never said the son has to stop mentioning his mum and when he does, she does try to divert the conversation as has been suggested.

All she's asking is that her partner do the same / not bring her up so much himself. What's the issue with that?

My SS chats about his mum sometimes. No problem, I'm not bothered. We just go 'oh that's nice' and talk about something else. If my husband was continuously bringing her up himself I'd probably be a bit too.

He's the one who made this situation worse than it needed to be. He's the one who's now caused more damage by telling his son, involving him and making a scene (about something OP hadn't even asked him to do).

OP is allowed to have a disagreement and a conversation with her partner about something that upsets her privately. He's the one who involved the child. If anyone has caused this mess it's him.

[SandyY2K]

He shouldn't have done what he did by telling his son not to talk about his mum....that was incredibly immature of him..... he obviously doesn't realise that is likely to make things much worse.

Some kids just jabber on and don't stop talking...just like some adults...but I wouldn't have told my partner not to ask his son about his mum...or to talk to his son about his mum.

I don't think this is your only concern though, because you also mentioned her being close to his family and him doing shopping for her at the moment.

If his Ex still being close to his family and him having a good relationship with her are an issue for you, then you need to consider if you can be happy in the relationship. There's no right or wrong where your feelings are concerned, you have to think about your happiness and if it's not working for you...then maybe it's time to bring it to an end.

If the above weren't niggling you aboutthe Ex, you wouldn't have mentioned it.

Both you and he could have handled this better, but unfortunately, you now look like the bad one to his son...because in spite of your DPs foolish outburst, you don't actually want SS to talk about his mum.

I'm not saying I'd want to hear my SC going on about his mum all the time, but I'd either try and get an understanding of why he's doing it....use deflection tactics or end the relationship if it bothered me that much.

Any reason is a good enough reason to end a relationship if you're not happy.