Partner's son talks about his mum all the time

[KathrynG1988]

Hi I was hoping for some advice.

I've been with my partner for two years now, has a son who is 12. My partner and I live together and have done for about a year.

The last few weeks when his son comes over, he'll talk to me a lot about what his mum likes, what she does, what she cooks and bakes, what activities they do together etc. Sometimes my partner will ask questions of his son about his mum around me too.

My partner's ex is also still involved with his family heavily and my partner does her food shopping at the moment when we go to get ours to be helpful.

I've spoken to my partner and said I understand his son loves his mum and she's a great mum, but I'm finding it hard to hear him talk about her so often as I feel compared and judged. I can be making something and he'll tell me his mum does it a different way, or she makes her own bread etc. Im all for fostering positive relationships with the ex, but I don't want to hear about her as often as I am. Ive asked that he try to not engage as fully in the chats and that he not bring her up himself. He said he understood and that was fine.

But then at dinner last night my partner asked a couple of questions about his ex again. That caused a conversation about what she does. After I'd already had a day of his son telling me that his mum does xyz, when I'm doing something with him.

I tried to talk to my partner and he's reacted badly and said I shouldn't be this sensitive and it shows I dont have children.

I'm not asking him to stop his son talking about his mum. Just try to redirect and not bring her up himself.

He then went and angrily (aimed at me) told his son not to talk about his mum infront of me. Which will now cause problems.

I don't know what to do, any advice would be appreciated.

[NotStayingIn]

I think your DP has really fucked up by saying that to his son. It will get back to the ex and will have made the son feel awkward. What a ridiculous way to handle it.

I don’t think it was that bad that you asked your partner not to ask questions about the ex. I can imagine that this, on top of the son also talking about her a lot, was a bit much. But by his stupid overreaction he's just made it a million times worse. What a tool.

[Annamaria14]

You are the adult, he is the child.

I remember being the child in that situation and being so scared and awkward around my Dad's new girlfriend. The whole situation is overwhelming. His girlfriend in his forties didn't welcome me. And I was only 12. Put yourself in his shoes

[GinghamStyle]

I think it’s unfortunate that it’s reached a point where every mention of him mum is taken negatively by you. It’s very possible that he’s spending more time with you and her, and is processing how different you both are.

My son is 12, and I think it’s a good age to start letting them take the lead on learning. His mum makes her own bread & pizza? Is that something that you two could try together? (When flour is back in stock obviously) His mum makes brownies a different way? How does that change the texture/taste?

I understand how annoying it must be to have him mention his mum so much, especially when your partner does it too, but I think it’s important to recognise that he feels comfortable to talk to you about her.

[humanvision123]

I have to agree with Sandy.
You seems to be unhappy generally. The current situation is only the indicator.

[differentnameforthis]

I think it's great that he is comfortable enough to talk about his mum in your presence. I wasn't allowed to talk about my parents in front of the other once they separated, and it really made for a a bad atmosphere where I was walking on egg shells.

You are being unreasonable, the lad has a mum he loves, and he is sharing information about her. if you carry on, you will damage your relationship with him, and with your partner. He may also decide to stop visiting.

[Eskarina1]

12 year olds aren't stupid. If you distract from every mention of their parent, unless you are very good at it, they are going to notice. I was a similar age when my dad and 1st step mum got married and they took a similar approach. I didn't mention her all the time but at 12 questions about your life, wanting to share stories about things you've done are going to involve reference to your mum. My relationship with my step mum never recovered no matter how hard she tried.

I think your dp was awful in the way he ultimately handled it, but you didn't listen to him saying no he didn't want to discourage his son from mentioning his mum. It's far more reasonable to expect an adult, choosing to be in a situation, to manage their emotions than to expect a child dealing with parental separation and a new key adult to feel talking about a key part of their life is banned.

[aSofaNearYou]

@differentmameforthis how do comments like that acknowledge what OP is and isn't comfortable with, or does that not matter at all?

[roarfeckingroar]

You're being unreasonable and petty. He's a child talking about his mum. If you're insecure about her that's an issue in itself.

[MrsPworkingmummy]

I'd take it as a positive that he's comfortable enough to talk about his mum in front of you. Embrace it and don't feel jealous.

[viques]

OP! You have been in this child's family life for two years as a peripheral member and one year as a more visible member.

His mother on the other hand has been in his life for 12 years, his formative years, and he sees more of her than he does of you. Of course he talks about her, of course he sees how things in your homes are different, and of course he thinks that the way things happen at his mums house is the way things should happen, and of course his mums opinions are important to him, they are the opinions that have shaped his life.

Poor kid, he is trying to walk a tightrope between two different lives, having to remember what is done in each home.

Have you never stayed in a holiday cottage and had mild rage because the cutlery drawer is not in the same order
as yours at home? Well that is what he is dealing with every time he comes to your house. Little things that are different, big things that are different. Cut the poor kid some slack.

[Annamaria14]

He is a child!!!! If you are going to be rude to him, then don't be around him at all.

When I was a child, I would much rather have been able to visit my father on his own, rather than have to see my stepmother every time. When women usually hate children from previous relationships.

Why isn't the child given more say on whether he wants to see his step parents or not.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Annamiria14 Why doesn't he have the choice of whether or not to see her - maybe because she lives there? 🤨

Also she hasn't been rude to him, his dad has been rude to him. All she did was have a private conversation with her partner, who didn't respect her enough to either acknowledge and care about her feelings (even if he felt he couldn't do what she was asking), or refrain from blurting them out in front of his son.

[SandyY2K]

12 year olds aren't stupid. If you distract from every mention of their parent, unless you are very good at it, they are going to notice.

Well you wouldn't distract every mention of their parent, as it would just be rude and rather thoughtless.

You engage with them, listen and distraction or deflection wouldn't be talking about the weather...you show interest in the child as a person.

Ask about things they enjoy, school...most kids are happy to talk about themselves when asked.

OP...you never know that he may actually talk to his mum about you a lot as well. I know some mums are irritated about dad's GF.

[Annamaria14]

@aSofaNearYou the dad could take him out of the day instead of the child having to see his stepmother.

When my Dad remarried, my stepmother was so horrible to me that eventually I refused to stay with her and my dad and my dad changed the arrangements. When I went to see my Dad from then on, I atayed with my Dad's mother and my dad came and took us out every day. It worked nuch better for us, and I never had to see my awful stepmother again.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Annamaria14 that's very specific to your situation, it's hardly the ideal scenario, or necessary in this case. Their relationship between the step son and OP sounds perfectly fine and functional, with only this minor quibble. He hasn't given any indication that he doesn't want to have to see her, and complicating everything to regress to a situation where none of them can even be in the same house together and the dad can't see him in his own house would be very counterproductive.

You are making an awful lot of generalisations, no most women do not automatically hate their step kids. OP is not the same person as your step mother.

[differentnameforthis]

@aSofaNearYou She's an adult, and a stepparent to a child who has another parent and wants to talk about her. She is a massive part of his life, you can't expect him to never talk about her.

OP admitted this has been going on for a few weeks, so the child may be testing the waters to see what the reaction is, to make sure it's OK for him to be able to speak about his life at his other home. After all this child didn't choose to have 2 homes, did he? The op can continue to feel "comfortable" on the days when the lad isn't there...

Sometimes, adults, especially parents have to shift what they are "comfortable with" in order for a child who lives between houses to feel comfortable. This isn't all about the op.

After all, she is the older one, and the one who chose to take on a man with a child. The child didn't choose it.

[differentnameforthis]

@viques You have been in this child's family life for two years as a peripheral member and one year as a more visible member.

If I am reading correctly, you make it three yrs, where as I think it's 2 - 1 yr as a peripheral member and 1 yr as a more visible member.

I've been with my partner for two years now ... My partner and I live together and have done for about a year.

[Annamaria14]

@aSofaNearYou I see loads of women on here complaining about their step children.

It is really awful

[LouLouLoo]

A lot of what the child is saying is observational and perfectly normal. My mum bakes with my kids and when I do I get a lot of “but nan does it this way”. A tv program comes on “Nan watches this”.

He is probably also just trying to make conversation.

You sound as though you think you’re competing with the ex, you’re not. The child is living between two households, he probably has similar conversations with his mum about what happens at his dad’s house.

I think both you and your partner handled it wrong and it now will likely cause damage to relationships.

[SandyY2K]

@Annamaria14

the dad could take him out of the day instead of the child having to see his stepmother.

So are you suggesting he never goes to his dad's house ever again?

This might have worked for you, but isn't appropriate for everyone.

It's not right that he or a child in this situation isn't able to be at his dad's house.

My view is that, if the relationship has deteriorated to such an extreme, then the parent should prioritise their child and end the relationship.

The OPs case isn't that extreme, but it's clearly an issue enough that she felt the need to tell her DP not to ask his son questions about his mum.

I'm sure if the genders were reversed, it would be described as controlling behaviour.

[differentnameforthis]

@aSofaNearYou Also she hasn't been rude to him, his dad has been rude to him

He wasn't rude to his child, he had an outburst after being told yet again to police what his child says in his own home!! I cannot imagine telling my child not to talk about someone they are close with, let alone a parent.

I have been that child, and it is damaging and confusing.

The more the op acknowledges his references to his mum, the fewer they will become. Or maybe, just maybe, he just wants to talk to his stepmum and doesn't actually know what else to say to her, so is finding what he thinks is some common ground?

How hard is
"sounds like your mum likes to bake"
"lots of people do it this way, others do it that way"
"Isn't it interesting how people have different ways of doing X"
or
"I really enjoy hearing about life in your other home, now tell me about school, or X video game"

[aSofaNearYou]

@differentnameforthis

There's an awful lot of talk about OP being an adult, and not a lot of talk about OPs partner also being an adult.

Let's not forget OP hasn't said anything to her SS. She hasn't banned talking about his mum, all she did was privately ask that, given that it happens all the time and is getting her down, maybe her partner could help her out by not seeking out opportunities to bring it up more himself.

As an adult, he should be perfectly aware that a constantly mentioned/favourably compared/present ex is not something most people relish in a relationship, so she is putting up with a lot in order to be with him. If he felt those moments where he asked his son a question about his mum were too important to him to sacrifice, he could have said something along the lines of "I respect your feelings and I really appreciate how much you're putting up with for my sake, but I'm sorry I just can't do what you're asking me, I hope you understand." Instead he dismissed and patronised her for the way she felt, then cruelly told his son about her feelings in the worst way, potentially damaging the relationship she had built with him and opening her up to an even rockier road ahead. I feel very sorry for OP living with a man with such little appreciation for the sacrifices she is making for him.

In my opinion, what the son is actually saying is not as innocent and pleasant as people are making out. At 12, he should be aware that constantly telling someone how someone else does things better/puts more effort into things is smug and unpleasant, and makes people feel put down. She's well within her rights to not enjoy that and to choose not to reward that kind of behaviour. It's a different scenario to if he was just sharing stories about his mum that are in no way linked to something OP is doing, in his opinion, less well.

But that is a minor example of behaviour that could be kinder. The person whose behaviour is deplorable is her partner. OP herself hasn't really done anything at all.

[Annamaria14]

I just don't think that we give children enough respect.

Children should be asked . "Do you want to see your stepmother at all?" Because they are strangers to them.

[aSofaNearYou]

I see loads of women on here complaining about their step children.

You see lots of women on here complaining about their actual children, too. Who would start a thread to say they get on fine and everything is great? Most people are posting on here because they have a specific issue to discuss/seek help with. It's not at all indicative of "all women hating their step children".

[LockdownLucy]

He's not boasting just enjoying chatting to you about someone he loves. He probably does the same to her about you! I honestly think however irritating it is you mustn't stifle it. If they can't talk even to you about the mundane easy stuff they're never going to feel comfortable talking to you about the serious stuff. If its not too late I'd encourage him to talk about her again.

Fair enough your partner should not be constantly going on about his ex and the involvement in family must feel threatening but you just have to lump it I think.