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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP not engaging with my DD

46 replies

Wildcat88 · 19/04/2020 22:45

he has been in her life for 3yrs. She is 5. We've only just recently moved in together 6m ago and I'm not sure if my expectations are high or is it because all 3 of us are on Lockdown, but I'm having doubts. She has said she dislikes him. During the day he pleases himself with his hobbies, whilst I entertain her and WFH part-time, then he appears late evening when she's asleep. He tells her off and tries to encourage her to entertain herself. I've explained to him that she needs interaction, not a telling off. When I ask why he doesn't engage with her/us during the day, he says it's because she only wants me. Which is true, but I think he could try harder. I'm finding it hard and he's more of a hindrance than a help to me. I don't expect him to be her "dad" but I'm not sure what's the point of him living with us really. What do I do?

OP posts:
SLC352 · 19/04/2020 22:58

That's so tough. I guess being in lock down isn't representative of normal life so now might not be the best time to make any decisions, however I'd go with your gut instinct. It must be really difficult to hear your daughter say she doesn't like him.

How was it living together prior to lock down? X

Ezira · 19/04/2020 23:01

He obviously isn’t interested in parenting your child. If you’re happy with that then that’s fine. But if you want a stepdad who parents then perhaps this is not the ideal relationship for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/04/2020 23:24

You've only lived together for six months - and it's not working.

"She has said she dislikes him."
TBH, I don't like him either, and all I've had to put up with is reading about his behaviour - how much worse for your daughter experiencing it?

"What do I do?"
Go back to how it was, living separately. He doesn't have what it takes to live with a child, and you need to stop inflicting him on your daughter. It's really not good for her mental health.

lunar1 · 20/04/2020 06:38

If his only interactions with your 5 year old are to tell her off then you can't keep living with him. Your very young child should have to live like this.

aladyofinderterminateage · 20/04/2020 06:53

He isn't interested in your child, he isn't interested in being a family. Don't inflict him on her. If you really want to stay in a relationship with him at least move him out and see him separately.
Personally, I wouldn't want a partner who didn't like my child.

Notcrackersyet · 20/04/2020 07:10

Does he want to change the dynamic?

GeorgianaD · 20/04/2020 07:11

Your poor DD.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 20/04/2020 07:18

I don't like him either. Id get rid. The first thing about a partner when you have a child should be that they make an effort with your child.

Intothefuture · 20/04/2020 07:19

That’s not a happy life for her.

KatherineJaneway · 20/04/2020 07:20

Doesn't sound like this relationship can work.

Sushiroller · 20/04/2020 07:27

She has said she dislikes him

I don't like him either. He sounds miserable and unkind.

He needs to move out your daughter is so small.
He has presumably known her from when she was a toddler of he has no affection for her now he never will.

Also if he truly gave a shot about you he'd be making some effort to be kind and havw fun. Not only is covid unsettling for children him moving in a was a huge change. This must be massively unsettling for her and he seems crashing unaware of it. Sad

Sushiroller · 20/04/2020 07:27

Shit not shot obvs...

GigiLamour · 20/04/2020 07:35

Sorry, but for your daughter's sake this man should not be living with you.

Please do the right thing for your daughter. She is only 5 and she depends on you. She shouldn't have to live with someone who obviously doesn't like her or want to know her. He is critical and dismissive of her. No kid should have to live with someone like that. This will only get worse.

Both you and your daughter deserve much better.

DoTheNextRightThing · 20/04/2020 07:35

Sounds like my mum's ex from when I was a teen. I definitely didn’t need him to parent me, I have a dad, but I did kind of expect a person living in my house to acknowledge my existence? Maybe make conversation? But nope. It was obvious he was there to be with my mum and I was just in the way. How awful of me to be hanging around the house I'd lived in my whole life, and was too young to move out of!

Sorry, I digress. My point is, if your DP is living there but ignoring/antagonising your daughter, she will notice and it will hurt. I know she's a lot younger than I was, but it will affect her. You can't allow this to continue.

HollowTalk · 20/04/2020 07:37

Did he move in with you? If so I will tell him to get out. Put your daughter first.

HollowTalk · 20/04/2020 07:37

I would tell him...

TheClitterati · 20/04/2020 08:20

Please prioritise your daughter - if you don't no one will.

Candy150 · 20/04/2020 08:52

This is awful for your DD, please put her first.

If you’ve had a conversation or two with him and he still doesn’t understand or empathise then you need to review this arrangement as soon as possible.

Figgygal · 20/04/2020 09:49

How was he before lockdown with her?

Alwaystwomagpies · 20/04/2020 09:53

Pls put your daughters well-being first
Always

She needs you to make good choices for her

SistemaAddict · 20/04/2020 10:00

Your daughter has said she doesn't like him. That's all you need to know.

Oscarthegrouch47 · 20/04/2020 10:05

It's tough isn't it. Some people are just not great at interacting with kids. My dp tries very hard but he's never had kids of his own and it doesn't come naturally to him. Sometimes he will unintentionally wind dc up and vice versa but overall they do get on well and have a laugh together. Given the choice my dp would probably rather pursue his own hobbies than do family stuff but i can't blame him for that because sometimes we all feel like that! Dc are my responsibility and so i shoulder most of the care.

Also dc dad is still on the scene so thwy dont need another father figure as such. All I ask for is that we can all live together and get along well. In your case if your dd has expressed feelings of dislike towards him it must be very hard. If he only talks to her to tell her off you can't really blame her for feeling that way.

Although lockdown is extreme and I wouldn't make and rash decisions just yet, I think I would be giving some serious thought to whether or not you'd all be happier living separately after this is over.

RedRed9 · 20/04/2020 10:17

DP was your child @Wildcat88

It was really damaging for her to spend her whole life growing up with a father figure who wasn’t A bad person but just wasn’t the least bit interested in her and was only there for her mother.

From the outside everyone will see this man as her dad. She’ll see him as a kind of dad. It won’t make sense to her why he treats her this way. It will just be hurtful and upsetting.

Please choose your daughter over this man.

RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds · 20/04/2020 10:17

My mums boyfriend was the same. Teen DSis and I did not like him but as we had been raised strictly, we never showed it. He hardly ever spoke to us at all, only ever to mum. He took over our house as if it were his because he was now paying towards the bills.
He'd put something we hated on the tv (like Wrestling) and leave the room or start doing other things in the room (like making a phone call or playing on the PC) but if we changed the channel he would walk back in/over and change it back. If we said anything he would slam the remote down and storm off and mum would come in and give us a bollocking for "trying to ruin her relationship!"
It was like that for the next 5 years until I started to stand up for myself. If he tantrummed I'd tell him to grow the fuck up. If he dropped something and tried to blame mum (to which she would cower and apologise even though it had nothing to do with her) I'd call him out on it.
I moved out at 16. They're married now and I'm nearly 40. I still don't put up with his shit and as such we have a good relationship. Mum is still a professional victim but there's no helping her.

OP, don't make your DD grow up in a house where she is ignored by someone who lives there too. It may not be as bad as mine but it could easily go that way.

Laaf80 · 20/04/2020 11:56

Not that I agree with it, but isn’t this the same as a step parent disengaging?

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