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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP not engaging with my DD

46 replies

Wildcat88 · 19/04/2020 22:45

he has been in her life for 3yrs. She is 5. We've only just recently moved in together 6m ago and I'm not sure if my expectations are high or is it because all 3 of us are on Lockdown, but I'm having doubts. She has said she dislikes him. During the day he pleases himself with his hobbies, whilst I entertain her and WFH part-time, then he appears late evening when she's asleep. He tells her off and tries to encourage her to entertain herself. I've explained to him that she needs interaction, not a telling off. When I ask why he doesn't engage with her/us during the day, he says it's because she only wants me. Which is true, but I think he could try harder. I'm finding it hard and he's more of a hindrance than a help to me. I don't expect him to be her "dad" but I'm not sure what's the point of him living with us really. What do I do?

OP posts:

Laaf80 · 20/04/2020 11:57

Posted too soon

As is often advised on MN?

Ohohohwhereyougoing · 20/04/2020 11:59

Your child doesn't like him and she is only 5. Time to move back out. He doesn't value her existence and isn't willing to even acknowledge her. Even if he tried, you know now it would be forced and fake. Dont let her grow up feeling that underlying feeling of being worthless to him..

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 20/04/2020 12:00

DH is the most brilliant stepdad to DD2, treating her just like DS2. He didn't think he could love her the same, but he does. He's been in her life for 10 years.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2020 12:02

isn’t this the same as a step parent disengaging?

Of course it’s not. He’s happy to engage enough to berate a 5 year old whose home he’s moved into.

OP, he has NO right to “tell her off”. Why are you letting him do that? Relationships with step children are something you earn. I’ve known my step kids more than half their lives and we’re very close, I do a lot for them and have reasonable expectations of their behaviour when in our shared home but I still defer to DH if they need “telling off” unless there’s imminent risk to life or property or he’s not around. I act as a parent to them when they’re here but that means engaging fully not just dipping in to have a go at them.

Don’t let this carry on. You’re focusing on his lack of involvement instead of his negative involvement so you’ve got it the wrong way round.

Windyatthebeach · 20/04/2020 12:02

My dc have a step df. He was interested in them from day 1.
Or he wouldn't be here..
Your dp sees your dc as an inconvenience...

RedRed9 · 20/04/2020 12:03

What do you mean @Laaf80 ?

Laaf80 · 20/04/2020 12:07

I mean isn’t he disengaging? I see advice all the time to stop doing anything for the SC and go out when they are there to minimise time spent as they are their dads (as is usual) responsibility.

As said, it’s not something I personally agree with and @AnneLovesGilbert is right in that he cannot disengage and also try to discipline.

However I just wondered what the difference was.

For the record my step mum disengaged and it hurt like hell to the point I refused to go. Im not advocating it.

Electrical · 20/04/2020 12:08

No laa , he’s not a step parent, he’s the child’s mothers current lover and tells the child off. When a child tells you they don’t like someone, pay attention. Don’t move blokes into the child’s home. Look into safeguarding practices.

RedRed9 · 20/04/2020 12:13

I see advice all the time to stop doing anything for the SC

I feel like this is a different situation though? The OPs partner isn’t resentful of being left with all the chores while the OP merrily enjoys a weekend with her child.

HillAreas · 20/04/2020 17:08

How much effort does it really take to make friends with a 5 year old? Bit of colouring in, game of catch in the garden, listen to her random witterings for 10 whole minutes as if they are the most interesting and important things you’ve ever heard.
All of the above would not take much effort, nor could it in any way be described as “parenting”, but would make a huge effort to the quality of life of everyone in the house.
If this has been explained and he won’t change then he just doesn’t care enough and what’s the point in the whole relationship?

Beamur · 20/04/2020 17:12

I don't think this is great OP. He's been in her life for 3 years and really doesn't seem to like her very much.
It's not boding well for a happy family and I suspect would get very much worse if you have any more children.

Jamjar18 · 20/04/2020 17:27

Although I think the parent should provide the majority of care for their own child, it sounds like he sees your DD as a hindrance. Which isn’t fair, she should be your number 1 priority and if she doesn’t like him with good reason then you need to listen to that.

Helmlover1 · 21/04/2020 21:14

So the only way your partner is engaging with your daughter is by telling her off? Why would you expect her to like him if this is the case?

I’m a step parent and initially I used to get so nervous around my partner’s kids as I desperately wanted them to like me. Most people who meet partners with kids at least make an effort with the kids and accept them as part of the package.

Get rid OP, you and your daughter can do better.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 22/04/2020 11:04

I discipline my step kids, I tell them off, I tell them to do certain chores etc...

They don't dislike me. BECAUSE I also engage with them, have fun, am kind to them, laugh with them and I also care for them a lot on my own (not that I think a SP should have to do this if they don't want to but it's certainly secured a strong bond between us as I've taken a more parental type role).

You can't have one without the other I don't think. I don't agree that SPs can't discipline their step children, but you should also have a positive relationship before doing so otherwise all it will build is resentment.

Instead of resentment my SC just feel secure. I can tell them off and they'll still like me the next day because we've spent time building a bond. It doesn't work otherwise.

You need to tell your DP this isn't on.

Kickanxietyinthebeanbag · 24/04/2020 16:45

She should be the apple of his eye ,he should delight in her ,enjoy spending time with her...anything less ,dump him
He needs to love her as much as he loves you .

Iamamoleinahole · 24/04/2020 16:54

Listen to DD. This sounds alarming.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 24/04/2020 17:31

She should be the apple of his eye ,he should delight in her ,enjoy spending time with her...anything less ,dump him He needs to love her as much as he loves you

I think that's a bit much to expect of every step parent. You can be a perfectly good one without feeling quite so intensely about your DSC imo.

Veterinari · 24/04/2020 17:42

I don't have kids but I'm perfectly capable of befriending a 5 year old! It's just about giving her a bit of time and attention and frankly just being bothered.

It sounds like he doesn't care. What does he actually contribute to your household OP? What housework/cooking does he do?

Tbh it sounds like he's got no interest in being part of a family if he's avoiding you all day

SimonJT · 25/04/2020 14:28

Why is he telling her off? When my son does something wrong (fairly often!) my boyfriend doesn’t tell him off, instead he either tells me whats happened or tries to redirect him onto something else. If they’re alone together it’s a bit different, but it shouldn’t be a big telling off for someone as young as 5. After a while yes he should be able to give suitable punishments, but six months of living together is still early days.

Moving in with a child is a big change, my boyfriend moved in with us a week before lockdown, my son is only four. Sons fine, he thinks it’s great having him here to play (boss around and terrorise) but my boyfriend is absolutely knackered and was feeling a bit harassed at times (now he knows how I feel!). What we have done is organised a time everyday when my son doesn’t play with him and I make sure my son and I do something fun during that time.

It really isn’t difficult to make a five year old enjoy spending time with you, you just need to act like a bit of a fool.

Gtugccbjb · 25/04/2020 14:31

Ew no, pick another bloke. There’s some great men out there!

Supersimkin2 · 25/04/2020 14:31

If he loved you, he'd be nicer to DD.

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