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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Please help. What should we do?

42 replies

WhatWouldTheDogThink · 06/04/2020 10:30

I am pregnant at the moment. Due to previous issues, I am considered high risk (in terms of pregnancy I mean).

My step children stay with us 50/50 and their mum is a frontline NHS worker.

My DH and I think the kids should stay with us but she will not agree to that at all and gets quite angry when it's suggested.

I've had pregnancy losses before and whilst I know there's no evidence to suggest CV causes pregnancy loss, I am petrified given that I'm already at a high risk of loss anyway (I need various supplements, hormones etc... to keep a pregnancy going) What should we do? I don't want to say they can't come here because I'm concerned about them as well as is DH. Surely it would be better for them if they stayed with us? (Both WFH).

This is nothing to do with bad relationships, trying to get one over on anyone etc... This is purely down to the safety of both the children and my pregnancy.

OP posts:
puds11 · 06/04/2020 10:33

You can’t say she can’t see her children. I imagine her life is shit enough as it is right now.

I don’t know what to suggest, I can totally understand your concerns, but if I where her I’d also be angry at the suggestion.

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 10:46

You can’t say she can’t see her children

Have you seen the multitude of threads on here where mother's are stopping their children from seeing their father and everyone is saying how understandable and reasonable it is? and yet it somehow doesn't work the other way around, in a situation where they actually are at risk?

Hypocrisy strikes again. YANBU, they should stay with you. Just like any mother would be advised to do if her ex was working frontline in the NHS.

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 10:47

I imagine her life is shit enough as it is right now

Yes I'm sure it is. But it's no reason to put your children at risk just because you enjoy coming home to them after a hard day. Tell that to the plenty of NHS workers who are living separately from their families right now.

This isn't about her life being 'shit enough'. It's about her children's safety.

dontdisturbmenow · 06/04/2020 10:48

She's front line. She will have heard about nurses dying leaving children behind. It's an extremely difficult emotional time for NHS front line staff.

Coming home to her children is probably priceless at the moment and what is keeping her going.

Either they keep the arrangement as is and you take as many precautions in the house to protect yourself, or the children stay with her.

NorthernSpirit · 06/04/2020 10:49

You are right to be concerned and in your position I wouldn’t want at risk children visiting either.

The children are safest with you.

Enough RP decide / dictate that children can’t see dads (in reference to the above poster). It’s not about that. It’s about whet is best for the children.

Is a contact order in place?

Have you asked her? Can you just keep the children until the lockdown is over?

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 10:49

Coming home to her children is probably priceless at the moment and what is keeping her going

So that's a good enough reason to put her children at risk? Confused there's literally tonnes of threads where mums are keeping their kids away from their dads because of reasons like this and they are nothing but praised for making the right decision.

negomi90 · 06/04/2020 10:58

Looking at the evidence of C19 in healthy children, her children would be more likely to come to harm from the mental impact of not seeing their mother, or the impact on their mother's mental health from not seeing them, and the fall out from the breakdown of the co parenting relationship, then they would be from getting the virus.
The government has said transfers of children between parents can go ahead. You can NOT and should NOT unilaterally decide to keep the children without their mother's consent.

puds11 · 06/04/2020 10:58

@LittleMcJiggle I haven’t actually, so shove your hypocrisy.

Original poster
WhatWouldTheDogThink · 06/04/2020 11:01

You can NOT and should NOT unilaterally decide to keep the children without their mother's consent

I've never said we would do that. It was a suggestion, as per my OP which was refused.

It does seem funny that elsewhere on MN, people are withholding dad's access all over the place and no one seems to think that's wrong. I am genuinely concerned.

So if it's so awful suggesting that they come and stay with us, what's the alternative? They don't come here?

OP posts:
LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 11:03

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3868047-Mother-of-DSC-wont-let-her-come-to-us-during-lockdown

Here you go, here's an example from about two threads down on this very board, of mum doing exactly the same thing and being told how reasonable and sensible it is and how OP and her DH should suck it up and Facetime.

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 11:03

So if someone can explain to me why that is okay and this isn't, I'm all ears?

AlternativePerspective · 06/04/2020 11:06

Whose opinion is it though that staying with their father is best for the children? This seems to be an opinion which is trotted out by the person who feels they should be the one who gets the children while the other parent just needs to suck it up and accept that they’re (apparently) a risk to their own children.

If the mum is a front line NHS worker she is far more aware of the risks than the OP and a bunch of posters on the internet.

Far too many people are withholding contact between their children and the children’s other parent, even down to people unilaterally keeping the children after contact visits (this isn’t the first one I’ve seen) and using “risk to the children” as a justification for doing so.

Let’s be honest here,everyone is at risk. The OP could keep the children,go out to the shops and pick up the virus and give it to them anyway. Or she could still encounter problems with her pregnancy.

There are people who are genuinely at greater risk than others, those who are immunosuppressed and others with underlying health conditions, but the rest are all in the same position.

It strikes me actually that this has nothing to do with the children and everything to do with the OP’s pregnancy. Imagine if the mum decided to unilaterally keep the children, would the dad be happy with that I wonder?

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 11:10

Imagine if the mum decided to unilaterally keep the children, would the dad be happy with that I wonder?

OP has quite clearly said they haven't done this. They suggested it. What's wrong with that? Is a father not allowed to make a suggestion about the welfare of his children? I agree they shouldn't just keep the children after contact but to make a suggestion, I don't think that's a problem.

And so what if it's about OPs pregnancy. It sounds like she's had a shit time with it and I'm not surprised she's anxious! If you were pregnant, after losses, at high risk of another, I'm sure you'd be concerned about catching a deadly virus too.

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 11:12

You should have posted pretending to be their mother OP and your ex was the one working frontline and refusing to let you keep the children with you. You'd have had entirely different responses, I guarantee it.

NorthernSpirit · 06/04/2020 11:13

@AlternativePerspective - the dad would just have to suck it up, as their feelings don’t matter and of course only mothers feelings matter.

The double standards are comical.

Here’s an example of keeping the children safe, but how very dare you even think of depriving a mother (at a high level of risk) of contact. Of course it’s ok if that dad doesn’t see them as dads don’t matter.

Comical.

helpmum2003 · 06/04/2020 11:13

I agree this is a difficult situation. Going on current guidance visiting should be shared as usual. Therefore the perceived risk is with the OP. Unfortunately this means you and DP should not see the kids not their Mum.

I'm not unsympathetic to your situation having had multiple pregnancy losses myself.

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 11:14

Exactly Northern. And who cares that OP is worried about her pregnancy which is already high risk? Doesn't matter.

helpmum2003 · 06/04/2020 11:15

Just to add it is your perceived risk because there's no evidence linking CV19 with pregnancy loss (could change hence i understand your anxiety)

AlternativePerspective · 06/04/2020 11:21

@ NorthernSpirit since your anti mother stance is clear from your previous threads I’m not sure it’s possible to take any opinion you have on this seriously.

That aside, as children are considered to be at far less risk than adults the risks to the children are less than the risks to the adults.

Given there is no current link between pregnancy loss and CV there is no reason why the children shouldn’t continue to have 50/50 contact.

And no, I wouldn’t agree if it were the other way around either.

The only reason why contact should be changed should be because the risk to one of the parents is significant e.g. if they have an underlying health condition, in which case the DC should either stay with them if already there, or stay with the other parent.

LittleMcJiggle · 06/04/2020 11:25

The key word there is no current links. It's a brand spanking new virus, yeah I'd be worried whether or not there was any evidence yet. Especially with previous losses and other complications.

I can understand the anxiety completely.

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/04/2020 11:38

I had a high risk pregnancy after multiple losses and infertility - was taking aspirin, heparin, vitamin D, thyroxine, steroids and progesterone to keep it going. Then after the birth I had a major PPH which led to an extended hospital stay and iron transfusions. As we plan to try and have another embryo transfer this year I had a meeting with my consultant to plan this in case Covid is still a problem - she said my problems don’t put me at high risk from a Covid-19 perspective.

If you have pre-eclampsia / high blood pressure / gestational diabetes / asthma / heart issues then you would be considered high risk - in which case you would do well to shield yourself from everyone including your DP.

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/04/2020 11:39

But don’t ask the kids to be away from their mum. If needs be your DP can stay away during the period so he can continue to visit or you can practice social distancing in your home if possible

IronShame · 06/04/2020 12:03

It really does my head in this subject. It's as if dad's aren't allowed to be concerned over their children's health.

Mums up and down the country and all over Mumsnet are stopping contact and no one says anything, yet when a father dares suggest that his children stay with him whilst their mother is working in the NHS on the frontline, it's all 'but she enjoys seeing them, her life is shit enough' etc etc.

Where have all the 'its about the children's needs, not the parents' posters gone?

No one wants to see their kids get ill with this no matter how small a risk there is of anything more serious. No one. A father is not wrong for worrying about that and making sensible suggestions to prevent it just like a lot of mothers are doing all over the forum right now.

I hope posters who disagree will be saying the same on those other threads as well.

IronShame · 06/04/2020 12:04

It's as if saying 'they are barely at risk anyway' is okay.

I still don't want my kids to catch it no matter how big or small the fucking risk is thank you! I want to do absolutely everything to minimise that. As I imagine most parents do.

TriangleBingoBongo · 06/04/2020 12:07

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and completely appreciate your concerns.

I’m not sure what the solution is but I can understand totally where you’re coming from and see this isn’t a parent trying to stop the children seeing the other!