Elderly parents and dss...I'm really worried

[Shewithmagicears2018]

First post so bear with me!! So, I have my parents living in an extension at the side of our house. My Dad is not in good health (he's 80) and my mum is 71 and does the majority of his care with support from me. Since the Coronavirus situation I have been wfh as has my dh so we are both around. My parents live in their own space but they do come through to our house and we do spend time with them. This is especially important now as they are entirely stuck in without seeing a soul.
My worry is that my dss is due to spend the weekend here next week and a week over Easter as planned for the holidays.

I'm waking up in the early hours every day and I'm sure that part of it is worrying about the toing and froing between houses and families. There are older people on both sides and that adds to my worries.
My Dad has quite a few health issues and had a horrible experience with cancer recently that has left him quite frail.
I've tentatively mentioned it to my husband but I cant imagine keeping him from seeing his child for potentially a months....any thoughts to help me?

I'm so sorry. Try and remember as shit as it is, he is likely scared too and not thinking properly.

Problem is the government have said it is okay if parents are happy to. Which doesn't account for the added risk when you live with a vulnerable person at all.

SC have two homes, yes. But in times like this it is logical to keep to one and one only.

Who owns the house, OP?

He is being unreasonable. It doubles the household exposure. Unless the other household are also self isolating then it is a bigger risk than otherwise. If you or your parents own the house I’d give him the option to move back in with DSS if he can/prefers.

We own our house which was extended a few years ago for my parents to live in. It's definitely not an option for any of us to move out...

Have you asked him what his reasoning is? If he would take SS to see his parents?

The house is clearly THEIR home too. They have a right to feel safe in it. Your parents I mean.

Yes, it is understandable he would find the prospect of not having his kid there for a while upsetting. But that is something that can be made up for and worked around.

You can't work around a risk like this. Nor the possible outcomes it could leave.

He chose to have your parents live with you, as did my DH. That comes with responsibilities to protect them too.

No one could have planned for this current situation. But he needs to put LIVES above his own wants.

Or else how does he see your marriage surviving if god forbid the worst happened?

My DH has his flaws, but even he saw reason in needing to not have sc stay here atm due to similar circumstances to you.

Protecting lives trumps everything else atm. He is asking you to put your parents at risk to please him.

I've seen this floating around a lot and I think it helps convey the importance in only interacting outside the house where it is unavoidable.

OP, I wondered if it was your parents’ house or yours/his/joint.

His DSS absolutely HAS to stay away, for everyone’s sake.

I really don't understand how he thinks he can make that decision without the approval of the other people in the house.

It was my house originally with extension built just before dh moved in so he came knowing that we came as a job lot! He wont be taking dss to see his own dm incidentally....the disagreement has not yet been resolved

Surely dss can’t visit. It’s not worth the risk. You’re talking life and death here.

So if he won't take dss to see his own mother - why does he feel it is okay to risk yours? That makes this even more disgustingly selfish.

What is his argument for it OP?

Wow, disgusting that he is not prepared to risk his mothers health by taking his son to see her but willing to have him in your hime with your vunerable parents. I would be furious at that.

Where I live, the recommendation is to stop any personal visits. And my DP whose pride is to go bring his DD and visit his older sons is staying home, because his exes and the kids were not following the confinement guidelines. And we are not in contact with any elderly person. In your case, I think it would be taking a risk to bring the SS....

I’d be tempted to tell him to go to his ex’s and stay there. But I understand that’s not a helpful suggestion. I really hope he sees sense.

So if he won't take dss to see his own mother - why does he feel it is okay to risk yours? That makes this even more disgustingly selfish.

Agreed!

Would it help to point out to your DP that their are families eg 2 parents and children, where a parent has moved out of the house due to the other parent being very high risk and having to isolate completely for 3 months. Their are parents willingly not seeing their children (apart from through windows and video calls) to protect vulnerable children and partners/the other parent.
My neighbours DH recently moved out as she was very high risk so cant have contact with anyone, and as he is a key worker he decided to move out. He now speaks to their children through the window once a day and video calls in the evening.

My DH has had to not see my DSC because his ex will only let my parents collect the children (shes been difficult for years) and wont let him.face time or call the children, and therefore hes not able to see the children as my parents are getting elderly but also do all the shopping and outside running around for my grandparents, and therefore are unwilling to increase the risk of my parents catching it and it being indirectly passed to my grandparents.
My uncle who lives with my GP has also moved out for the time being as his job requires him to still have 121 minimul contact with people outside the immediate household, and therefore even though the risk was tiny, due to not being able to fully eliminate contact with others he decided it's best to move.

If it was me, I would honestly be saying to my DH that if he wants to continue seeing his son then he needs to move out until the risk is over. Your parents lived with you first and he understand what that meant when he moved in. I would not let ANYONE put my parents or elderly family or vulnerable friends at risk, when there was a unpleasant but easily manageable alternative. Your DH can skype video call and phone his child and it wont be forever, but the consequence of your parents catching it may be fatal one.

Children may also pose a higher risk in this situation due to experiencing symptoms so mildly and getting ill so regularly they may have CV and it be completely missed or not recognised but the consequence of it being passed on may be dire for those who then catch it.