Elderly parents and dss...I'm really worried

[Shewithmagicears2018]

First post so bear with me!! So, I have my parents living in an extension at the side of our house. My Dad is not in good health (he's 80) and my mum is 71 and does the majority of his care with support from me. Since the Coronavirus situation I have been wfh as has my dh so we are both around. My parents live in their own space but they do come through to our house and we do spend time with them. This is especially important now as they are entirely stuck in without seeing a soul.
My worry is that my dss is due to spend the weekend here next week and a week over Easter as planned for the holidays.

I'm waking up in the early hours every day and I'm sure that part of it is worrying about the toing and froing between houses and families. There are older people on both sides and that adds to my worries.
My Dad has quite a few health issues and had a horrible experience with cancer recently that has left him quite frail.
I've tentatively mentioned it to my husband but I cant imagine keeping him from seeing his child for potentially a months....any thoughts to help me?

Can your parents isolate for 2 weeks after he stays?

They are not going out at all so they have contact with me and my dh...so i think thats where my worry lies. If dss does happen to be a carrier and infects one of us then my parents are at huge risk.

Well while your stepson is with you and for 2 weeks after can they isolate

I meant as in isolate from you. Your DH will want to see his son and you and your parents can manage a couple of weeks

Your parents need to isolate from your house for 14 days.

Yes I think what the above posters are suggesting is the only option? They have no contact with dad/you/your husband from when he arrives until two weeks after.... although would your mum manage care for your father for 3 weeks alone? Depending how poorly he is that could be a lot x

dad should be DSS

I think DSS needs to change clothes when he arrives, shower etc. Also your parents need to self isolate in their part of the house. I don't think you can insist your DH doesn't see his son for many weeks in a row.

That's quite difficult because we're one household...washing gets done in our part if the house, I need to help them clean, shop etc so I definitely can't isolate from them which means that in effect my dh can't either unless we were to live separately! It wouldn't feel this tricky if my parents didn't live with us I don't think.

Is DSS fully isolated now?

I definitely don't want to get in the way of their relationship but if anything happened to my parents because of one or 2 visits then we'd have to live with that and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm frightened for my Dad.

You can leave their shipping outside the door and they can leave their washing. Not ideal but feasible. You can give their place a good clean after 2 weeks. If your parents require more care than that then you are going to have to have a conversation with your DH

I completely agree but then dss will arrive wow so after 14 days the process will start again and I wont be able to see or help my parents. I cant be the only one in this position

Eow not wow!!!

Personally I would think it more important that your elderly, unwell parents are well looked after during this time especially if you help care for your dad. Not just shut the door and have them get on with it for 2 weeks after each visit - the Easter holiday one would mean 3 weeks of isolation for them. I would have a conversation with your DH about DSS not coming. Yes it will be hard to not see his child and they will miss each other but the risks are too great to your parents.

Is dss totally isolated without any of that household leaving the home?

If so then they're as safe as your household. You so from 14 days after they started this he could come - may not be exactly time as planned but better safe.

If they're still going out for food etc, then I'm afraid that I would state that until the above has happened and nonmember of that household is symptomatic it's not appropriate.

It's sad, but I don't think isolating your parents and you fromnone another is fair or healthy in current climate.

I'm not sure whether dss is full isolated? He's been at school until Friday like most kids and saw his grandparents on sunday for mother's day....and has been at home with his mum so far this week. He's pretty good and will shower, change clothes etc as asked. That's not the problem...the fact that there are 3 lots of old people involved is what worries me

My parents are 70 plus, with blood and breast cancer. They also live in a similar setting with us.

I am also pregnant and we have an under 2 year old.

DH and exW both decided it was safer for all (as my mum is going for radiotherapy daily at hospital still) that we make sure we do daily video calls until all this is over.

Sharing god knows what between two households isn't beneficial for anyone at all. For either of the SCs homes, or the knock on effect that could bring.

Least of all the vulnerable directly, or indirectly involved that could lose their lives.

We will miss them naturally, but people actually staying alive and as healthy as possible (including the SC) is far more important and this won't be forever.

My cousin and her ex have also decided for the sake of their mutual DC that they won't see him for a while to minimise risk.

As has my friend with his girls on mutual decision. Youngest is on the vulnerable list and he works in a supermarket. He realised he woild be putting youngest especially at risk and both parents decided on keeping them with mum until a later date.

This is a very unusual time, risk factors need to be thought of. For everyone. It's hard and its shit, but everyone needs to play their part in keeping the vulnerable safe so that in turn it keeps everyone else safe.

Thank you for that perspective and experience. It feels like people expect me to leave my parents alone (even though I can't) but I'm not sure what for. We can make up for lost time with dss in the future but if any of our older relatives become I'll or worse then we can never get them back. I'm not sure how dss's mum will feel about delaying contact but as she has older parents too I would hope that she would understand.

To me, I see it as nothing to do with sc yet people make it as though it is.

If my parents weren't living with us, they wouldn't be seeing us either as I wouldn't have wanted to expose them to my dd For THEIR safety. Same as we haven't seen anyone we normally would do. Close family members all round that we saw very frequently and are incredibly close to.

I miss sc. I miss my niece and nephew. I miss my sister. But as it stands, we need to do this. My own dd broke her heart seeing her auntie dropping stuff off outside and not being able to go to her.

But, we all have a part to play in this. As you said contact can be made up and alternatives put in place for now. Lives can not be brought back.

OP thousands of coparents across the country are making the decision to keep their children in one household, and that's without the added complication of you basically being your parents carer. Do not feel like it's in any way inappropriate to suggest he doesn't come and stays in touch via video call etc, it is in fact the best way to prevent the spread to not be flitting about, and as you say, you can make up lost time with your SS. The same may not be true of your parents. In my opinion the elderly and vulnerable need to be the priority right now.

Sorry I wasn't clear - when I say it's nothing to do with sc. What I mean is - it isn't personal to them yet people on this forum seem quick to jump on that.

Many parents on the lone forums are suggesting keeping their child in one house also.

As for another view point also (sorry my brain isn't working properly at all atm) .

Up until my DH lost his job, our plan was to fully finish the extension so WE could isolate from my parents completely.

One shining light in him losing his job was the fact we now can continue to isolate together without the need to lock a door between us.

These are two people we live with, and we were still willing to separate as much as possible due to my DH bringing possible risk in to them.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts

I actually cannot believe people are suggesting that the care of two elderly people IN THEIR OWN HOME takes a back seat to facilitating your dss. Ffs - what is world coming to - a kids not staying with his dad for a few weeks versus the lives of the two people who have given a lifetime of service???? Honestly - people's priorities are fucked up.
Op your dh could still see his dss - go for a walk with him etc. - so long as he and dss observe social distancing.
My exh has called to mine a few times & stays in the drive while the kids chat out through a window. Everyone is grand & no one is scarred by the experience.
Your dss should not be in your house AT ALL given there are at risk people depending on you.