Elderly parents and dss...I'm really worried

[Shewithmagicears2018]

First post so bear with me!! So, I have my parents living in an extension at the side of our house. My Dad is not in good health (he's 80) and my mum is 71 and does the majority of his care with support from me. Since the Coronavirus situation I have been wfh as has my dh so we are both around. My parents live in their own space but they do come through to our house and we do spend time with them. This is especially important now as they are entirely stuck in without seeing a soul.
My worry is that my dss is due to spend the weekend here next week and a week over Easter as planned for the holidays.

I'm waking up in the early hours every day and I'm sure that part of it is worrying about the toing and froing between houses and families. There are older people on both sides and that adds to my worries.
My Dad has quite a few health issues and had a horrible experience with cancer recently that has left him quite frail.
I've tentatively mentioned it to my husband but I cant imagine keeping him from seeing his child for potentially a months....any thoughts to help me?

Not sure why people are being to weird. Of course your parents can't isolate, it's their home.

DSS just doesn't come for a while. It's what most families are doing.

Odd that anyone would think differently. Apart from the usual step mother haters.

I honestly think people should stop sending their children between two households. It makes no sense whatsoever to keep sending them.

I am not expecting the DC to visit their father until this is over. They are teen/young adult anyway.

It's a few weeks/months to save a lifetime.

My kids aren't seeing their Dad for a while as he lives with his gf and her parents and one of them is having cancer treatment. On top of that one of them is a key worker so a high infection risk. There's no maternal grandparents to worry about so they are safest here.

I think if your DH is, if not happy, then understanding of this situation then fine.

However I should say that millions of elderly are self isolating in their homes and not spending time with family, provided they can care for themselves.

It’s a totally shit situation for them (DM and DMIL included) but it is being done.

So if your Parents have a bathroom, kitchen and garden access and the ability to look after themselves, then I don’t think it’s too big an ask. It’s what most other older people are doing - as hard and cruel as this situation is

Your DSS shouldn’t be coming. it places all of you at risk. If you and your husband get ill, who will take care of your parents?

The madness going on on Mumsnet just unbelievable.

It's bloody awful for everyone but children really shouldn't be travelling between homes right now. It's a minefield which is why the government are allowing it. But it honestly defeats the point of isolating.

It would be so much easier for families if they had said no travel between homes for the period of the lockdown. As if blended families don't have enough to worry over.

So much is at risk, we all need to put the science before our emotions right now.

i am struggling with the concept on this and the step forum that the carrier is going to be the step child/ren.

No risk that the daily walk in the park or the trip to the supermarket might make you the carrier and vector.

The SDCs are being demonised by so many NRPs as a reason not to have them ignoring the everyday risks that people are undertaking themselves anyway.

@stuffedpeppers - no one is demonising sdc - for gods sake can you and others not get what me & others are saying????
Someone in nearly every household HAS to go get supplies & a walk outside with proper distancing between members of the one household does not put people at risk. Sdc don't HAVE to move between two homes where people are confined & share bathrooms etc. & so double the risk of both them or others catching the virus.
Also - no one is saying the sdc have to stay with the rp - in some cases it may suit better for them to stay with the nrp - the point is that NONE of us should be moving about any more than we need to and I'm sorry but a young healthy child should not take precedence over dependant, elderly parents who are one of the key at risk sectors of society.
That people like you are actually using this dangerous virus & this horrible situation to once again bash step parents just beggars belief.
I think the anti sm brigade on Mumsnet has reached a new level of low.
My dc have not seen their dad for two weeks and as he now has a cough he has said he won't take them for another 2 weeks just to be safe. THAT is responsible parenting in this time of crisis.

The SDCs are being demonised by so many NRPs as a reason not to have them ignoring the everyday risks that people are undertaking themselves anyway.

Where?

The risk here is clearly not who they are but the fact that they are travelling between two households.

I agree with those who say the stepson shouldn't come. My daughter isn't seeing her dad at the minute, my husband's kids aren't visiting. IMO everyone should stay in the household where they permanently live at the moment. And your parents shouldn't have to be locking themselves away in their own homes.

I have a 73 YO mum who is on her own, and I can't see her. That's really hard. Everyone has to make sacrifices at the moment.

The SDCs are being demonised by so many NRPs as a reason not to have them ignoring the everyday risks that people are undertaking themselves anyway.

If the RP (mum) lived with her vulnerable parents then people would say that the child should stay with Dad for at least 12 weeks

Anything stepchild related seems to operate without common sense.

If the OP was suggesting, for example, that a family friend was coming to stay over Easter, we would be unanimous in telling her it’s a really bad idea.

But when it’s a step child, we get all over- emotional and put access arrangements ahead of common sense, health and ultimately the preservation of life.

Exactly @Coffepot72

I think people (on SP threads specifically) are acting like we are still at the stage where the only people who should be expected to stay in the one house and not meet up with people from outside of it are the old and vulnerable. And because children are unlikely to suffer badly if they get it, they shouldn't be expected to do it. But that's not true, we have ALL, regardless of age, been asked to do it, and it's not for no reason, it's because it is necessary in order to save lives.

I nearly lost my shit with the ex this morning as he wanted to drive 20 miles to take DD(16) out for a walk. He thinks it's perfectly ok if they walk 2 metres apart. He's really not getting the 'essential trips only' thing. Plus the fact that my husband is in the vulnerable group so we are literally not seeing anyone outside of our household.

We are not having my partners kids for 3weeks then evaluating again as we have 3 out of 4 parents ill with cancer and copd so we are seeing no one.
We have been told we just want it to be just us and our child etc which is ridiculous and we arent even entering into that argument. With technology the way it is there is no reason this cannot happen for the health protection of both families and to risk your parents is so unfair x

Magda dont be so bloody rude on every single threat it is about the SDCs being the cause of virus spread.

And i am a bloody Step Mum you do not hold the moral highground on everything to do with step children.

WE like many on here have done the 2 week one place, 2 week another and if symptomatic stay in that place for my SDCs.

However, if they are isolated in one house and move to another isolated house where there have been no symptoms why are they the biggest risk. The shopper in the house which seems oto be alternating in my neighbours is double the risk surely.

There are sensible solutions to the situation without losing your rag Magda.

@stuffedpeppers other than the fact that children tend to get (and therefore carry) illnesses quite easily, nobody is saying they are the biggest risk. They are just an added, avoidable risk at a time when we have all been asked to cut out all avoidable risks.

Obviously if the adult is the one going out of the house they will be the one contracting the virus, but the point is anything the adults have will be passed on to the children, so to then allow them to take that illness into another household risks spread in the same way as me choosing to go over to my mates house, which is not allowed. It doesn't matter who in the house actually gets infected, it needs to be contained within that household to prevent spread.

if they are isolated in one house and move to another isolated house where there have been no symptoms why are they the biggest risk. The shopper in the house which seems oto be alternating in my neighbours is double the risk surely.

If someone is shopping, the house is not isolated. The children are the ones potentially carrying the virus between houses whether they are stepchildren or not.

No one should be going between household at the moments - the “step child” thing is a red herring

You know something @stuffedpeppers - you are on her constantly berating sms & exh's/dps & basing your comments on every situation on the fact that your kids have had a rough time with their dad. You NEVER listen to anything that's actually being said but jump to your own very biased conclusions.
I rarely lose my shit on here but this thread has made me do so. People's blind ignorance & assumption that even in the middle of a global pandemic nrsdc are still supposed to dominate everything, possibly to the detriment of the health of extended family members is just wrong.
And if you think I'm being rude I'm delighted & very happy to be rude at this point in time!
Excellent points @aSofaNearYou btw.

Very well said @Magda72. I depair at the number of threads like this which are doing the rounds.

My stepkids are at their mum's for the foreseeable and thankfully they completely understand why. Thank Christ they're not previous snowflakes who couldn't possibly inconvenienced in the midst of a global pandemic.

@Magda72

Very well put. There is a reason we are all staying away from EVERY SINGLE loved one in our lives bar those directly in our household.

It isn't a case of singling out SC, we are all hurting and missing people. Sadly, that is how it is in the current climate.

I am actually quite shocked that the government has said it is okay if both parents agree to swap between homes. It completely counters the argument of not interacting outside your household. An argument I completely agree with, and thankfully so do my sc, dh and DH exw.

Common sense should overall everything atm. And common sense dictates whatever is deemed safest for ALL family members and in turn the knock on effect, should also count for SC.

SC are dearly important of course. But so is the elderly mother living alone who's son can only leave food on a porch for. The seriously vulnerable auntie who is in the same situation.

Why are SC yet again not part of the rules for EVERYONE?

In a pandemic, no one is special. It is a case of doing things for the greater good.

Yes it hurts. Yes it will be hard. BUT IT IS RIGHT. Keep to one bloody household, despite how much you think the rules may not apply because xyz reason that suits you, THEY DO AND THEY DO FOR A REASON.

If kids are being passed between homes, they run the risk of passing the virus between homes. Then when someone in the initially non-infected home go food shopping, they pass that virus on to more. And so on. Until PEOPLE DIE.

Is your want to see a loved one more important than someones loved one dying? NO.

We are lucky enough to live in a world with video calls. Is it so hard to tell people to use that for now for the greater good?

Jesus. I honestly am so shocked that even a bloody pandemic has become about the SC being more important than anything else.

And yes my DD is also suffering through all of this. She is incredibly close to my sister and her children. We saw them at least three or four times a week.

She stood by a window breaking her heart when she saw my sister dropping food off for us.

My heart broke for her. And for myself and sister. But I still didn't open the bloody door to let them interact because it would have been irresponsible and could have potentially devastating effects on others.

Well it looks like a few more sleepless nights for me. Had a conversation with dh yesterday and ended up in an argument as he cannot see that dss coming here poses any more risk than me going to tesco or to the pharmacy to pick up supplies. Apparently until government advice changes, his plans for dss to come next Friday have not. I'm appalled tbh.