AIBU to have a kid for security

[HatRack]

I've been with my man for 1+ years. We are engaged (his proposal). He had several kids with his ex then she cheated on him. She has since had several partners and used them to babysit her kids whilst she goes on the town drinking with friends. Her last partner left her for this (after he bonded with the kids).

She dictates our life. For instance, she suggested we have the kids today (Mothers' Day, I was shocked) then at 12 noon she asked for the kids; we told the kids they were going to their mums, they put on their shoes then she texted saying she was out and couldn't have them till later. I'm autistic so had a meltdown.

Cannot cope with uncertainty and messing about. This happens regularly. We have 50/50 childcare so no maintenance however when her current partner ditches her she comes to us for money, threatening to apply to CMS. We don't have a court order.

I have no predictability in life. I am a widow and have 3 kids of my own. We cannot financially or practically plan. I am almost certain I need to get pregnant to compete with her. I am fed up with her ruling our lives. I am fed up with me and my kids being an after-thought.

Please be kind. I am autistic. I often unwittingly piss people off as a result of this. I'm at the end of my tether right now and see getting pregnant as the only way to have a voice.

My question is: what should I do to cope in this situation? Getting pregnant seems the only way to have a say.

You have you’re say by leaving a situation which isn’t making you happy.
If the two of them cant or won’t be decent with each other then nothing you can do will change that.
Adding another baby into the mix certainly won’t ease tensions.
Think about the children you already have and remove them from this nonsense.

Your*

I could leave the situation but what's the hope of me (woman in her 30s with kids) finding a willing man without kids??

My current partner is the male version of me. I had many dates before I met him and fell in love on the first date.

Have you ever thought of leaving your partner? You have three children for whom you are responsible. Give your head a wobble. You probably need to just move on and sort out your life, stabilise your life for the sake of your innocent children. You’ve got mixed up with a man who has too much baggage.

Forget about finding a man. Just be a mum to your children. You can find a man later.

So what hope do I have of ever being happy if the dating pool I'm restricted to is men with ex issues? Am I selfish for wanting to be happy? Should I be frigid for the rest of my days because I had kids? Being genuine.

Not having a bloke is also an option.
And for many many single mothers is by far the better option for them and their children.

Frigid? Fucks sake.
Crack on.

If you have them 50/50 then maintenance isn’t payable? So she can go to the cms if she wants but won’t get anything?
Others please correct me if that’s wrong?

Your dp is the one who needs to sort this problem out. He needs to stand up to the mother if his children and sort this out in some way. It can’t go on like this.

You having a baby won’t help the situation, it will just make it worse and leave you in tears.

Are you sure you want to be with this man, all things considered?

My mam tried to kill herself multiple times when my dad left. This is the message I'm left with. Being alone = not worth living.

You don’t need a man to define you. Put yourself and your kids first. If this means leaving the relationship, so be it. Bringing another child into the equation will not help the situation.

And nowadays there’s plenty of women who have kids who has found love.

How do we prove 50/50 without court order?

Just read your update.

Concentrate on your self-worth.

Keep a note of every time the children are with you, mark it on a calendar or whatever. We had to do this eventually and it turned out we actually had the children more than 50/50 through the month.

Getting pregnant will not help, it'll make things worse - don't do it!

But agree with pp. Perhaps it is best to leave.

There’s plenty of single men without ex issues, and plenty who would happily enter a relationship with someone with dc. I say this as a woman older than you with dc.
If you want your relationship to work, can you talk to your dp? Let him know how you feel, and the (irrational) lengths you’ve considered to help make things work. Work out a compromise.
But don’t use a baby as a sticking plaster to try to fix things. That’ll only ever end badly.

I know this is going to be a stressful thought but you need to talk to your partner and insist he makes some ground rules. If he is a lot like you then he will understand quite how destabilising this woman's behaviour is for you. If he is a lot like you then I appreciate it might be a really stress inducing prospect to set firm boundaries for this woman but you can understand that too and support him through it.
This woman is behaving as she is because he is (albeit unwittingly) allowing her to.
The pair of you need to agree a strategy and stand firm. Otherwise you need to think about leaving him. Your kids deserve the best of you, not the super stressed you.
All the best OP

I could leave the situation but what's the hope of me (woman in her 30s with kids) finding a willing man without kids??

You don't need a man ffs. You have a ready made family and without a man you're the boss of all you. Freedom!

My mam tried to kill herself multiple times when my dad left. This is the message I'm left with. Being alone = not worth living.

That's tragic, but logically you know that's not a normal response. Plenty of people are alone and love it.

i think u shud leave and focus on ur self worth

Oooh no, in the nicest possible way that’s a terrible idea and the route to unhappiness and potential insanity.

Do you mean discuss having a child with him and then try to conceive or try and get pregnant without his knowledge?

Please tell me you have your own house, not jointly with him.

Do not marry him, have a child with him, or have anything in shared names. You need to protect yourself and your own children.

So what happens when the ex amplifies the messing around because of your new child?
If your struggling to cope, then how do you expect a child to feel about it all?

I think having a baby to compete with someone else is a very bad reason to have a child.

I hope you're not being serious. A child as a bargaining chip? FFS!!

Being alone = not worth living

Now you're just being overdramatic.
Can you invest some time into enhancing your self-esteem?

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

I feel for your kids. You fell in love after the first date, sounds like you brought this man into your DC lives quickly and your primary concern is yourself and no one else. If your finding it difficult to cope perhaps think about how your own DC are feeling now. Having a DC to compete with his ex? I mean wtf are you on about