AIBU to have a kid for security

[HatRack]

I've been with my man for 1+ years. We are engaged (his proposal). He had several kids with his ex then she cheated on him. She has since had several partners and used them to babysit her kids whilst she goes on the town drinking with friends. Her last partner left her for this (after he bonded with the kids).

She dictates our life. For instance, she suggested we have the kids today (Mothers' Day, I was shocked) then at 12 noon she asked for the kids; we told the kids they were going to their mums, they put on their shoes then she texted saying she was out and couldn't have them till later. I'm autistic so had a meltdown.

Cannot cope with uncertainty and messing about. This happens regularly. We have 50/50 childcare so no maintenance however when her current partner ditches her she comes to us for money, threatening to apply to CMS. We don't have a court order.

I have no predictability in life. I am a widow and have 3 kids of my own. We cannot financially or practically plan. I am almost certain I need to get pregnant to compete with her. I am fed up with her ruling our lives. I am fed up with me and my kids being an after-thought.

Please be kind. I am autistic. I often unwittingly piss people off as a result of this. I'm at the end of my tether right now and see getting pregnant as the only way to have a voice.

My question is: what should I do to cope in this situation? Getting pregnant seems the only way to have a say.

Please don't get pregnant to compete with her or as some kind of weird game. You are doing it to try and piss her off but after the initial reaction from her, it won't make any difference whatsoever to her and you'll be the one with a baby to try and look after in all this mess.

You have 3 children whose father has died, make sure you are giving them a stable and happy life. Can you do that with a man who has "several"children with a ex he can't stand up to and cant have an amicable relationship with?

Where was she "out" ? No one is supposed to be out, so she's shit mother and a shit person for roaming around when are supposed to be keeping to ourselves.

What your partner needs to do is a proper court order with day calendarized so everyone know when/where the kids are each day.

You have only been together a year, why are you living together and engaged. You should be dating and getting to know each other properly. Don't be in a rush to be with anyone rather than be single.

OP you can stay with your partner but he has to put his foot down, it shouldn’t be you harbouring the stress of her behaviour. If he has 50/50 contact that he can prove he also shouldn’t rise to her threats!

As someone who has a husband with an ex who does similar things, it doesn't get better. Oldest DSC is early 18 and we still have this sort of guff.

Don't get pregnant, it won't fix a thing

Its really odd to hear the word 'frigid'. Sounds like something a bloke would say.

Be realistic what on earth would a baby change besides making everything 10x more chaotic. He will still have his kids and she will still be her. You cannot change that.

Not every man with a child will have an awkward ex. That’s just luck of the draw.

If having a man is what makes your life worth living you need to get a grip. Especially with kids of your own.. you aren’t a child you’re old enough to know this.

My own dm didn’t need a man, she met her dh at 50. They both have (now adult) kids, no mad dramas and a quiet happy life.. good things come to those who wait.

Don't have a baby to control and manipulate him.

Leave him and he with someone with a less controlling ex, no ex, no kids, grown up kids, date casually so it doesn't matter or be single until the kids are older.

You’re choosing to be left with the attitude of

No man = not worth living.

You’re choosing that. You know that’s not the case so don’t use it as an excuse.

And no, you shouldn’t bring a child into the world to get one up on another woman.

Furthermore, your having a meltdown because the kids were staying with you for longer isn’t good for you, or those children.

In short - you should not be with this man.

The last thing this situation needs is another child in it and the last thing any child needs is to be brought into this situation.

There is only one reason to have a child and that is because you desperately want one. Not for security or to fix a relationship or any other reason.

Other posters have advised so to summarise:

1. You need to tell your partner that you will not marry him and will end the relationship with him if he does not set boundaries on how him and his ex share their children as it means you both cannot plan. This means he may have to eventually go to Court to sort it out.

1. You need to work on your self-worth as no one else can give that to you. In normal times I would tell you to go to a counsellor but now you will have to use online resources.

1. Do not have a child with him as it will not fix anything. It will actually probably make his ex act worse and you will be left looking after 4 children on your own.

1. Whatever age you are and regardless of whether you have children you can find a new partner. (Loads of my friends' wouldn't have step-fathers if this wasn't true.) However, you have no self-worth this means it will make it harder to find someone who isn't a mess.

Don't bring a baby into all this. I'm not sure how long since your H passed that you started this relationship, but I would focus on giving them stability.

I'm not saying you should never have a relationship, but the baggage he comes with must be impacting on your children.

I appreciate the belief system you have as a result of your mum's attempted suicides....I'm sorry...that must have been very difficult.

We learn from our parents...ppl dismissing that have no idea how deep rooted these things can be.

Ask yourself if the good outweighs the bad. Ask yourself how happy you are in the relationship, minus the Ex....is the relationship worth it.

How do your children feel about it all?

Being engaged after a year, seems very quick in your situation. Take your time and don't rush it.

Having a baby will increase your problems. Some exes ramp up their unpredictability when the new gf gets pregnant. If you want stability then it's the last thing that you should consider.
He wants to marry you not his ex. There is no competition here. You becoming pregnant won't change how much he loves you.
Having a new baby will create a lot of situations where it might seem that he's picking his older kids over the new child though. Would you cope with staying at home with the baby while he took the older ones out?

There are men who have good relationships with the mother of their children and have proper boundaries. I suggest you try to find a man like that instead.

It's very worrying that you have bought into your mum's idea that you need a man though. It was harder for previous generations of single parents because there was no support compared to 2020. I don't know if a Freedom Course would help give you self esteem to go it alone and live a more predictable and stable life.

Many things to take into consideration here. How long how they've been separated and what arrangement have they had in place? Was it always open to whatever suited both and that worked for them? Is it a new situation? Is your OH annoyed with it himself, or does he says that he is to tell you what you want to hear but really isn't bothered?

Do you live together and if so, since when? If you are, is the house big enough for everyone and would it be so with yet another child? Do you get along with his kids? Are you happy with the way he is disciplining them? Is he happy with the way you are disciplining yours?

How are the finances? Would you cope if you didn't work to look after your new baby?

All the above are factors that can massively contribute to the relationship not working out, no matter how in love you are and compatible in terms of personality. When it comes to blended families, it takes much more to make it work than when you get together to create a new family.

You are clearly in distressed currently, but do consider that it would get much much more stressful if you were stuck at home, with a new child, no money in your name, your OH expecting you to look after all the children since you are at home, so what, 7 children, 8? and him not wanting to upset his ex so still not having worked out clear arrangements.

Think very hard at what your life with him could be. That doesn't mean you have to get rid of him, but you need much more time to get to know each other and decide if you can really make it work so that everyone is happy to blend your families. Only then, when you have all adjusted and found new contentment can you consider adding a new baby in the equation.