I need to get all this out. Drowning trying to be a good stepmother

[StrugglingSM]

I've been having a lot of horrid fertility problems the past few years and have lost a few pregnancies. I'm probably depressed if Im honest but am trying my hardest to keep it in for the sake of our family.

My step children live with us just over 50% of the time and I am really struggling.

I end up playing a parental role a lot of the time. I don't mean that offensively but it's just the role that's happened over the many years we've been together and considering the level of time they live with us and juggling things with DH like school, care etc... when they are at our house.

I am really really struggling. In fact I feel like I'm drowning. I love the kids individually and this is nothing to do with them personally but I'm starting to resent playing this parental role to children that aren't mine when I keep losing my babies. I feel awful. There's been days where I've come home from hospital having just learnt our baby has died to my SC just being normal and happy and loud and messy and I just have to get on with it.

Every time I see DH with them it cuts me and I feel a lump in my throat. I feel like I'm so deeply imbedded into this family life now that I can't just make my excuses and make other plans anymore etc...

I do school runs, cook their meals, make their lunches, look after them when DH is working, put them to bed some nights (I don't work as much as DH so I'm just here more often) and all I can think about is how I may never be doing this for someone who'll call me mummy. Whenever they go off with their mum and dad to parents evenings, school plays, birthday parties or whatever I just feel so pathetic. I'm just a spare part in this whole thing really despite how much I do.

I'm so desperately sad but I can't let it out. I can't just stop doing these things but my SC are the starkest reminder of the difference in mine and DHs situations. I can't bare to listen to him tell me how they are the best thing in his life, how he loves them more than anything, how them being born were the best days of his life. And it's not at all because I'm jealous that I'm not those things to him, it's because I'm jealous that he's experienced that and I may never.

I feel like running away whenever they are here now and I feel terrible for it. They rely on me for so much, some days I'd go so far as to say they are closer to me than they are to DH but it takes all my internal strength now not to pull away and withdraw.

These poor children have done nothing wrong and I can't bare to be around them sometimes because I just want one of my own to love the way they are loved.

I don't know what to do.

my advice would be, you need to stop. You need some time to yourself. You obviously care about them very much, and that's great, but let your DH parent them. It shouldn't all be down to you.

Its totally normal to feel how you do, you've experienced a lot of loss and under any circumstances that is incredibly hard. Under the circumstances you're in its much, much worse.

How has DH been about it all? Supportive?

SM here. My DSCs are here almost half the time, and I had a MC (only one, though; I'm so sorry for your multiple losses) before eventually having DD. For a long time I felt very much what you're feeling now. I loved my DSC, but somehow they unwittingly made it worse, because I was spending half my time with a stark reminder of what I might never have for myself.

Fortunately, DD came along (she's now 6), but she took a while, and I had started to think I'd never have a child of my own. I had initially jumped in with both feet WRT my DSC and was really hands-on, but I realised that that made it hurt even more. So I stepped back, and found ways to feel fulfilled (as I had done years before) that weren't connected to my DSC - so if I had a day off, I would no longer automatically go and pick them up; I'd do something for myself (exhibition, cinema, coffee with friend, long walk, whatever), and come home when I was ready rather than rushing for school pick-up. I really believe it saved my sanity.

I feel for you, and I hope you'll find your way to feeling better about it all.

Thanks. I just can't help but feel how if I'm never going to experience motherhood, I'd rather experience none of it than these little snippets.

I worry as well that DH will want to stop trying one day and it will be easier for him to let it go knowing that he's already a dad.

I think I'd have to leave in those circumstances. I couldn't give up and still be around my DHs kids. I'd end up resenting him and them.

He assures me that won't happen but surely this must get tiring, I can imagine even more so when you're already a parent. Why would you then want to spend the best part of your existing children's childhood, trying with me?

DH is supportive but I think he feels that his kids make it easier when in reality I feel they make it harder. I think he thinks it's nice for me, getting to be a 'sort of' parent to his kids whilst we're going through this.

In reality I feel so much calmer and able to cope when they aren't here and its just us. Those are the moments where I feel we are on the same page and when I don't feel so alone.

@struggling
Sorry if I'm being to personal here but, have you ever considered using a surrogate? I don't know if maybe you have really good friend IRL that might consider doing this for you or if your even in a position to do so. Im so sorry you feel this way. You are trying the best you can and I can see why this would be upsetting for you.

Op, re your last post. I think you need to be really honest with DH about how you feel, and that he is entirely wrong about what he thinks will make you feel better.

Because if you dont he's going to continue doing things that he thinks make you feel better, but actually make you feel worse.

You need to sit down and talk to him about it.

Ginnyrellas thanks. Unfortunately a surrogate would make no difference in my circumstances. I can carry a pregnancy, it's a genetic problem with the foetus when it's developing. I've been told basically to keep trying and it should work eventually.

Babytigerrr I know you're right. I just worry about having a conversation with him about this. We have had brief discussions about it so he's not totally in the dark but I do worry that it'll come across as me disliking the kids which is definitely not what it's about. I'm also aware that there's nothing he can do to change it so I'm hesitant to risk him feeling guilty about what is perfectly normal i.e. him loving and being with his kids.

I think you should go and see a counsellor. I had four miscarriages, and I know just how dreadful and angry and unfair this can make you feel, and I genuinely do not think I would have stayed sane in the situation you describe. And if you are anything like me, the emotions are so raw and angry that I was terrified to let them out.

So I would talk to someone else first, ideally someone with experience in infertility, and then, when you've let rip there, talk to your husband.

This sounds terribly sad for you. Have you considered individual counseling? Also just in case, have you given yourself a stopping point where you give yourself permission to stop trying to conceive? I’d think endless trying may also be depressing as well.

Essentially I feel, probably wrongly, that this is just a cross I have to bare on my own. Who wants to hear that their children are making someone feel this way? It's not a nice thing to have to tell someone and like I say, what will it change? They'll still be here.

I understand the point about not parenting so much. But how would that look to the kids if I just suddenly withdrew all this care thats been going on so long. Would they not notice?

I probably sound like a martyr but I just feel like for theirs and DHs sake I just need to push on.

Also just in case, have you given yourself a stopping point where you give yourself permission to stop trying to conceive?

No and I don't feel able to right now. To be honest I think I'd end up leaving if we stopped. I couldn't deal with the what ifs. I'd find that harder than the losses to be honest.

Thanks. I've actually been to one counselling session last week, I'm at my second next week. It's something I'm hoping we can discuss. I've not been enough yet to know if it'll help but I am starting so that's one step at least.

When you say you can’t talk about I think that’s the crux of the issue. Find a good therapist and say all the things you need to and work it all out. At the moment you’re living a sort of pretence - putting on a happy face. It’s going to drive you to distraction.

Good luck with it.

I understand the point about not parenting so much. But how would that look to the kids if I just suddenly withdrew all this care thats been going on so long. Would they not notice?

You don’t have to withdraw all care, just have your husband take over more of the care of his children. He can collect them more often or spend more time with them while you look after yourself more. Start putting yourself first.

I sympathise. I lost our only 'ours baby' at 11 weeks and not been able to get pregnant since. I hate the fact that my dh has had children with biomother and not me. I'm lucky as I have one of my own from previous relationship so I can fully see why you're drowning if you desperately want one of your own. It sounds like you're doing too much though. I don't do anything like the amount you're doing for your step kids. Ive done it in the past and it's always been unappreciated and even thrown back in my face so I leave them to my dh mostly now. He cooks when they come and I don't do their washing. They are teenagers though. If you do get pregnant successfully and have your own you won't be able to sustain what you're doing now anyway

Ah, cross post, you’re seeing someone. Make it your priority, let all those feelings get aired. If you’re struggling to bring it up then say exactly that, ask for help to express it if you need to.

I do wonder sometimes if I should just leave. I don't want to, I love DH, I love my marriage and I do love the kids. But maybe it would just be best for everyone in the long run.

I don't think I could stay and keep my sanity if it never happened. I'd rather be on my own or with someone else who had no kids and didn't want them. The only thing keeping me going and keeping my (sort of) sane is that it might happen. If they'd told me it would never happen I really don't think I'd be able to stay.

You poor thing. You need a break. That’s understandable and probably very healthy.

DH needs to take some time off and do the parenting for a while.

Can you go to your mum’s/sister’s/friend’s for a couple of days.

I’m sure the kids ARE a help to him.

But you have no time to grieve. No time to be sad. And much as you love your step-dc, of course it’s not the same when you’re grieving the loss of your babies.

Sorry for your losses.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you suddenly withdraw all the care but step back in little ways or more often than you do now maybe? If they are with you say 3 nights only so school pick ups 1 (example).

The thing about counselling is it isn't to change things necessarily. It is to learn ways to cope with things that are unchangeable. That's why people may go for e.g. bereavement support, it wont bring the person back it is about living positively and coping techniques.

I don’t have much to add but just wanted to say that it sounds terribly sad and I hope you find a resolution. Counselling sounds a good idea, maybe even with DH if possible? I understand why you keep going, but you need to carve it a little time for yourself, too. Eg can you find somewhere else to withdraw to when things are tough? amy Chance of explaining to SC in an age appropriate way that you need some time to yourself? .

OP that sounds unbearably painful. I've experience of multiple losses and know the enormous toll it takes having to pretend to be fine when inside you are in so much pain.

You say your DH talks about how much joy his children bring. Hopefully not in the context of talk about your losses because that would be spectacularly insensitive.

I think in your shoes I'd use the 50% of the time when the children aren't there to talk to him about how painful this is for you. He needs to start thinking about how to support you through this. That could mean fewer school runs/weekday teas for you and more for him but your well-being is important and at the moment it's suffering badly.

You need time for yourself to grieve and heal.

All the best

OP i know its going to be hard to speak to DH, and i absolutely do understand where you're coming from. Its hard to talk about someones children with them, when you're saying something thats perhaps not positive.

If your husband cares about you, he will have to accept how you feel. Its not his kids fault, and obviously re iterate this to him, but having to parent them is making you unhappy.

You have every right to step back. The kids wont be bothered as long as dad takes over with it. TBH he should be doing it anyway!

I really wish you the best of luck, and like you said there is hope that you can have your own baby x

strugglingSM I have never read a post that is so close to how I feel. My DH has a child that lives with him 50% of the time. She is perfectly lovely, we have no issues at all. But DH and I have been unable to conceive. We have gone through 5 or six rounds of IVF. It didn't work. My husband isn't that bothered about trying any more. He's already a dad, so he's not exactly missing out. I'm desperately scared that I am going to resent him. I pulled back from being as hands on. Like you, I'm much happier when it's just me and him, as it feels less lonely - as though we're in the same boat. Like you, it hurts so much to hear him say how much he loves and misses his daughter. I want to scream about how much I miss not having one at all, and he only has to wait a week and he'll see his again. And yet, like you, I feel bad for thinking these things. Of course he should love her. But it doesn't help my situation. I sometimes wish he'd break up with me so I could try and have a baby on my own. He doesn't want us to use donor eggs/sperm as he thinks he won't love the child (and I'm scared he won't). (yet I'm supposed to think having this half parenting role with a child that isn't mine should be a good thing). It's an impossible situation.
The only cure for me would be to get pregnant. But at the age of 43 and 3/4, and after so many failed attempts at IVF, it just isn't going to happen.

I'm hoping as they get older it may get easier. At the moment they still want a cuddle, still like spending time with us, still very much children.

Hopefully as they grow up and don't need DH as much, it won't be as hard to witness. If that makes sense.

I just feel like such a shit person. It's the age old 'knew he had kids' thing isn't it. I knew he had kids and I didn't find it a problem until now. I just never expected to be here in this situation, going through this.