I need to get all this out. Drowning trying to be a good stepmother

[StrugglingSM]

I've been having a lot of horrid fertility problems the past few years and have lost a few pregnancies. I'm probably depressed if Im honest but am trying my hardest to keep it in for the sake of our family.

My step children live with us just over 50% of the time and I am really struggling.

I end up playing a parental role a lot of the time. I don't mean that offensively but it's just the role that's happened over the many years we've been together and considering the level of time they live with us and juggling things with DH like school, care etc... when they are at our house.

I am really really struggling. In fact I feel like I'm drowning. I love the kids individually and this is nothing to do with them personally but I'm starting to resent playing this parental role to children that aren't mine when I keep losing my babies. I feel awful. There's been days where I've come home from hospital having just learnt our baby has died to my SC just being normal and happy and loud and messy and I just have to get on with it.

Every time I see DH with them it cuts me and I feel a lump in my throat. I feel like I'm so deeply imbedded into this family life now that I can't just make my excuses and make other plans anymore etc...

I do school runs, cook their meals, make their lunches, look after them when DH is working, put them to bed some nights (I don't work as much as DH so I'm just here more often) and all I can think about is how I may never be doing this for someone who'll call me mummy. Whenever they go off with their mum and dad to parents evenings, school plays, birthday parties or whatever I just feel so pathetic. I'm just a spare part in this whole thing really despite how much I do.

I'm so desperately sad but I can't let it out. I can't just stop doing these things but my SC are the starkest reminder of the difference in mine and DHs situations. I can't bare to listen to him tell me how they are the best thing in his life, how he loves them more than anything, how them being born were the best days of his life. And it's not at all because I'm jealous that I'm not those things to him, it's because I'm jealous that he's experienced that and I may never.

I feel like running away whenever they are here now and I feel terrible for it. They rely on me for so much, some days I'd go so far as to say they are closer to me than they are to DH but it takes all my internal strength now not to pull away and withdraw.

These poor children have done nothing wrong and I can't bare to be around them sometimes because I just want one of my own to love the way they are loved.

I don't know what to do.

No it’s NOT that.

Please go easy on yourself. You haven’t mistreated his children in any way.

but presumably op, you didnt know you were going to face these issues.. There was no way you could have known things would turn out as they have. Dont blame yourself!

The funny thing is I feel like I could deal with this if he didn't have kids. If he didn't have kids and we had to accept it just wasn't going to happen then I think I could cope with that. Because we'd be going through it together, our lives would have taken a different path but together.

With this I just feel like my life is going one way and my husband's is another. It's so so lonely and isolating. But then why would I wish this on my husband? He gets to have the one thing I want. He's the man I love, I should be happy for him, not wishing he were as miserable as me.

Smidge001 wow I'm so sorry you're feeling like this too. I've no other word to describe it than shit.

I definitely get the whole feeling like you're in the same boat when you're alone. I feel like I just pretend the kids don't exist when they aren't here. It helps me for those couple of days to just feel calm. I can just pretend for those days that we're experiencing the same thing.

You haven’t mistreated his children in any way

No but if someone said to me I could flick this switch and he wouldn't have kids, I'd think about it. How horrible is that.

NOT horrible. Sorry but no, I’m not going to let you think badly of yourself for thinking a plethora of things that you wouldn’t act on because you’re grieving now and in pain.

Have you spoken to him? Told him honestly how you feel?

Thanks captain. It's so hard to try and push the guilt away.

I think all these things and then I get a cuddle goodnight off this little person who just thinks I love them so much (I do) but they've no idea how I really feel and I just can't help but feel horrid.

I'll definitely try and bring this up at my next counselling. I think I'd like to get it all out in a safe space before talking to DH.

But Struggling, that doesn't mean that you feel less for them.

I have three dc. I miscarried my fourth. And I struggled for a couple of days with the neediness and the expectation to be happy mummy. And they were MINE.

But I'll bet you sat there and you took those cuddles and gave some back. And even if you didn't - THAT'S OK.

I really hope your counsellor helps you find a way to speak to your DH about it. You deserve to be able to grieve how you want in your own home, with your own husband.

As I said, if that means taking a few days out and going off on your own or to stay with friends or family, please do if you can.

And please, please be kind to yourself. No more beating yourself up!

Your OP is heartbreaking. Fertility problems really suck and those who haven't been through can't understand how when you don't get pregnant or you do but lose it early, you grieve every time with all the pain that comes with it.

Ultimately, you are doing nothing wrong with your family and one day, you will be in a position to see that life is much better with your SC than no-one at all.

One of my good friend has been through exactly the same and got to that same stage as you. She was in so much pain over what she didn't have, she couldn't focus on appreciating what she did have. She tried for many years and one day, she got too emotionally exhausted to continue. She became depressed, had to seek treatment and therapy, but gradually she recovered. Her SC were a bit confused for a while, but as they got older and they got to know that she'd been desperately trying for a child, they got to understand.

She is now in her early 50s, and a full part of her SC lives. The eldest had a child themselves and is raising the child to call my friend Nanny. She is quite involved with him. The youngest is about to graduate from Uni and despite having only two places, has asked her and her dad to go. That despite her never being offered to attend any parents' evenings.

I hope with all my heart that you will soon get to experience the joy of parenthood, and it sounds like it might very well happen, but if somehow it doesn't, keep faith that one day, you'll be able to consider your SCs a bit like your own children, especially as they become young adults.

No but if someone said to me I could flick this switch and he wouldn't have kids, I'd think about it. How horrible is that

not horrible, an entirely natural, normal, understandable response to the situation you find yourself in.

It is so cruel of you DP to not support you when you are grieving the loss of your babies!!! How thoughtless of him, how awful!!!
Don't he care about your(his and yours) babies at all? Are you sure he actually wants to have a baby with you or its only you who insist?

Sorry Annaminna, I think you've misunderstood. DH doesn't really know I feel this way, I've not spoken to him about it in depth. He is very supportive, he just doesn't know what to do for the best really.

He's 'very supportive' but you are doing the bulk of the parenting of his kids? This situation is why it's usually not a good idea to marry a man who has kids when you don't. 9 times out of 10 they just move on to another woman who winds up doing all the donkey work for his kids. And of course, he's not bothered about having more, he's already got them.

He must have the EQ of a gerbil to not realise how hurtful this is for you or have to have it spelled out. It's easier for him just to pretend he doesn't get it so you continue to pull the oar of his boat he doesn't want to rock.

You need space! He needs to give it you.

I have to say I do agree that your husband is being very thoughtless. Talking to you about things like the day he had them being the best day of his life is quite obviously insensitive in my opinion. I think it's sad that he's not more in tune with your emotions.

I also just wanted to echo what others have said, that you should be kind to yourself about the way you feel and it is totally logical and non malicious. You shouldn't feel it would be wrong to leave if you feel you can't cope with this relationship if you never have a child of your own. I can totally see how that would be a happier life for you.

Yes I also agree that your husband is being thoughtless and insensitive.

Tell him he’ll need to rearrange his work to do more of the parenting as you really need some time to yourself as your finding it hard. If you find it hard to explain you really shouldn’t have to, they are his children after all and you’ve been doing him a big favour by plugging the gaps by parenting for him.

How can he be thoughtless when he doesn't know how OP feels. They fell into a routine that seemed to work for them both, with OP working less hours.

Nothing wrong with needing to step back, or reconsider the dynamics, but don't do it without first talking to your OH about your feelings, otherwise he is going to take it that you are resentful, jealous and just out to make his life difficult. The changes, if required, need to come as a joint decision.

How can he be thoughtless when he doesn't know how OP feels

Telling someone going through fertility issues that the day you had your children was the best day of your life is pretty thoughtless regardless of whether she's explicitly told him that.

It's a cliche that people in OP's husband's position think that being a step parent to their children will make someone feel better about not having kids of their own, but the truth is if he had any kind of empathy for his wife's feelings (or was on the same emotional level as OP regarding his feelings around having a child with her), he ought to have considered that that might not be the case. I certainly can't imagine saying something like the above without considering how it would make her feel.

In fairness you don’t know the context!

OP could have said “maybe it’s not worth it” in a low moment and he could have been rallying her spirits.

You literally don’t know how/why it was said.

No captain but I can't think of any scenario where that wouldn't be an upsetting thing to point out, and there's also nothing about OPs post to suggest he is sensitive to her feelings. From what she's said, he relies on her heavily and views them as an partnership when it comes to responsibility for looking after them, yet OP is excluded from the nice things like school plays and birthday parties. That could be a thread in it's own right in my opinion, and is already a just cause for resentment and a highly thoughtless act that he should have picked up on.

I do agree with you but if he’s never been made aware that there’s an issue then he needs to be given a chance, I think.

He could genuinely (stupidly) believe that he’s “including” OP and giving her a parenting role that somehow compensates.

I’m not saying he’s right. Just that there’s a chance he’s thick as two short planks rather than a nasty prick to his own wife.

Thanks all.

Re DH, I genuinely don't think he's nasty. He's a very loving and kind husband. Thoughtless and insensitive sometimes? Yes. But not maliciously. There have been times before where I've said 'really? Why would you say that now of all times' or whatever and he's realised and thought 'shit' and apologised. He has a clumsy way of trying to make me feel better sometimes.

I think it's definitely a case of him wanting me to feel 'included' in his family. Re the birthday parties and school plays etc... He actually does tell me to come to those but it's mum who I don't think is comfortable with me being there. I don't think she likes the fact that I do so much but with people's work etc... There's no choice sometimes but for me to step in so she keeps relatively quiet about it.

I am bad for never putting myself first. That's not in a blow my own trumpet look how nice I am kind of way but it's true, I've struggled with it my entire life so I imagine I shoot myself in the foot with a lot of things. Like, for example, DH would have no problem with me going to a school play but I'll hang back because I know mum would prefer it if I didn't go and I don't want to step on any toes despite the fact that there's probably nothing wrong with me being there.

I need to be more honest with how I feel, I know that. I'm such a people pleaser though, I do it to my own detriment.

Op I'm so sorry for your losses and although I've no similar experience I found your op heartbreaking.
What I will say to you - and speaking as a reformed people pleaser - is get selfish. I mean that in the nicest & best possible way.
I has taken me a good many years of therapy to kill off the worrying about keeping everyone else happy & to focus on myself, & to that end I would say to you to keep seeing a therapist for however long you need to.
I have tried to place myself in your shoes & I feel that if I were you & I had some holiday time due I would take it & book myself a break - alone.
I would then write everything you've said on here down & give it to dp before going on the break.
I would then turn off my phone & focus on how I want this to proceed when I get back.
Like - do I want to keep having majority care for his kids?
Do I want to keep maintaining a back seat (to his ex) despite me doing so much care?
Do I want a child so badly that if I can't conceive one I would like to adopt/other?
Have I the strength at the moment to plough on or do I need to tell dh I need to step back for my own wellbeing & if I do so will he actually hear me & respect my wishes?
It sounds like you have given years to dh & his kids & I think you should now give some serious time & thought as to what YOU need to get you through this & how YOU would like your life to be.
I agree with others that your dh is being very insensitive but you are allowing this by being overly concerned about him & his kids & by not speaking up for yourself.

This is not a criticism - believe me I used to be the queen of not speaking up, but learning to put your own needs first is not wrong. Yes, we all have times when we need to compromise but when we are deeply unhappy we have every right to take care of ourselves & expect other people to understand that & to expect support from the person who has chosen to commit to us.