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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU? Son's first birthday

37 replies

Wingingiteveryda · 03/03/2020 13:24

I'm in a little bit of a difficult spot. My son's first birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, the hall has been paid for, and we have family coming from Bristol for the party. They've booked their trains and accommodation. Everyone was booked and fine to come, including my step son who was really excited about it. It has now been mentioned by my step sons mother that my dss(8) has another party to go to now, which falls at the same time at our party and can my dh drive my dss between the parties during our sons 1st birthday. We reluctantly agreed to this, as dss's mum stressed how much dss wanted to go and would be angry if he missed out, so both my dh and dss will both miss an hour of our sons first birthday, but dss didn't want to miss out on his friends birthday so that's fine. The friends party is not far at all from our son's party so we'll work around it.
Fast forward a week dss's mum has now been in touch to say dss had another party to go to in the morning but she is too busy to do any of the driving around so dh will need to drive ss to and from these parties while we need to be setting up for our sons first birthday and then again during.
Is this normal? Do friends birthday parties get priority over siblings/step siblings? I have brothers and sisters and growing up my siblings birthdays got priority. I don't want dss to miss out on anything but it's so inconvenient for the day. What would you guys do? I was OK with accommodating 1 party on the day but running around to accommodate two is annoying me but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable
Be kind, this is my first post

OP posts:

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ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 03/03/2020 13:28

You are in the right and I think it’s unreasonable to expect you to accommodate this 2nd party.The first party wasn’t ideal and it should have been your decision and not mums (assuming it’s your day with as?) however that is agreed and sorted as much as can be now. I think you either refuse and Say it’s The baby’s birthday and you can’t do that but risk she stops him coming to YOUR party. Or you sick it up and guarantee SS is there? Whatever your preference. X

Teacaketotty · 03/03/2020 13:34

I think one party is annoying but could be accommodated however this second party is taking the mic! Explain it is your baby’s first birthday and that is the priority. What is your DH saying to it?

timelord92 · 03/03/2020 13:58

I'd be fuming with the first party being mentioned to be honest never mind the second one. If the mum is that bothered about him going to all 3 parties then what is wrong with her picking him up so it's not interrupting your sons birthday. Would she be happy if she had to do that for her sons birthday I don't think so! I hope your partner hasn't agreed to this.

Original poster

Wingingiteveryda · 03/03/2020 14:06

Thank you guys, it is an additional day to what we usually spend with dss in a week but our arrangements are quite easy going in terms of dss spending time with us, we have him two days fixed a week then whenever dss's mum needs additional help or we plan something.
dh is trying to be as accommodating as possible so that there's no bad feeling on the day. I know it's no one's fault that these parties are all one the same day but this second party, the child isn't family nor attends the same school, surely it could have been kept quiet from dss to save his feelings as well. It's frustrating

OP posts:

CocoLoco87 · 03/03/2020 14:12

I think DSS needs to choose which party he wants to go to and he goes to 1 and that is it. If his mum is so desperate for him to go, she needs to ask a friend from school if they can take him.

Sounds like she might be trying to make your special day with your son difficult. Hope you can work something out!

readitandwept · 03/03/2020 14:18

How would she get him to the two parties if your partner was around that day, if it's not his regular contact day? Would he have missed them then?

Original poster

Wingingiteveryda · 03/03/2020 14:27

Readitandwept that's what has made me think she's just making life difficult. She's said she too busy to run around to parties. The plan was that we would collect dss prior to our sons birthday, party due to start at 1, he be at his brothers party for the best part of an hour before being dropped to his friends party and collected 1 and a quater hours later to come back for the end of first birthday party. This other new party is in the morning beforehand.
I don't know what her plan would have been had it not been our sons birthday but I am sad to think she's probably be a lot less busy and he would have made it to both other parties

OP posts:

itsabitofamess · 03/03/2020 14:55

I have children of varying ages. My 8 year old (and I have one of them) would have to decline a friends party on the day of his brothers birthday party. The only way I would let him go is if another parent could
Collect and drop back and even then I would
Have reservations. Another parent taking your child is pretty normal at 8 though so I wonder if you could put the feelers out. Your husbands ex is trying to sabotage things imo. Does she have form for this sort of thing?

My understanding with divorced parents is that the parent whose weekend it is decides whether or not parties etc can be attended. Certainly I have to communicate with lots of dads because "it's their weekend".

Your dss would have to decline if you were taking him away for the weekend. I don't see that this is any different - he has a commitment.

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2020 18:24

I agree with PPs, I would get him to pick one party to go to, and I'd only consider the second if someone else could take him (mum or a friends parent).

Three parties is too much stimulation in one day even if you didn't have preparation to do.

Magda72 · 03/03/2020 19:20

What everyone else says. One party - not great but ok, two not on. As a pp already said - it's technically her time with dss & I assume she'd have managed to get him to at least one party. Really does sound like she's trying to make your special day as a family very difficult.

Dontdisturbmenow · 03/03/2020 19:28

Very reasonable to say ok to one, presumingly the friend he is closest to and no to the others. There will be other invitees who won't be able to make both.

user1493413286 · 03/03/2020 19:28

Your DHs ex sounds like my DHs, in my view I wouldn’t have said I’d accommodate one party let alone two as sibling parties take priority

lunar1 · 03/03/2020 20:19

Personally I think you've been more than accommodating and the ex wife is being a bitch. However these things can feel important when you are 8, you you and DH know any of the friends parents who could help. If you do I would ask them and just tell the ex it's all sorted. It sounds like being organized might piss her off even more.

I would also get DH to make sure he has a gift and card ready, it feels like she is trying to score points and wants to cause stress!

HillAreas · 03/03/2020 20:44

I don’t think I’d bother running around to make sure he’s at his brothers party to be honest. If it was that important to either your DSS or DH then there would be no question of pointlessly dipping in and out of the other party too. The second party in the morning is just a mickey take.
Don’t dance to his ex’s tune and fall for the “oh but he couldn’t possibly miss out” drama. He chooses what party to go to and that’s that. If he wants to go the other parties then his mother will have to take him.

PRL73 · 03/03/2020 20:48

When I read the title I thought “yep, probably YABU, most people are with the child’s first birthday” but YANBU

One isn’t ideal two is a pisstake

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 03/03/2020 20:53

Tbh I wouldn't have accommodated the first instance. Sounds like a massive faff. Dss needs to make a choice here and not accept conflicting invitations.

Kanga83 · 03/03/2020 20:53

Devils advocate here but can dss miss the 1st birthday party and his mum take him to both friends parties? Realistically he will have much more fun there and you can celebrate another time with him. If it's such a big Hall and so many people coming is going to really enjoy it? DSS needs to be asked what he wants though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2020 20:55

Nope. She’s taking the piss. I bet no one tried to ruin her son’s first birthday. You were very nice to agree to accommodate one but now she’s clearly just yanking your chain I’d say no to both.

Anuta77 · 03/03/2020 21:21

Ohh, I had a similar issue for my son's 2nd bday One of the SS decided to come, but my DP had to pick him up from a train station 30 min away and later bring him back directly to his house 40 min away (multiply all that by 2).
At the same time, the mother of SD (different woman) was texting my DP telling him how she got our son a present and that he will pick it up from her place, then telling him how their daughter wanted to come too. The woman was staying at her boyfriend's house only 15 min away, couldn't she just bring her daughter for once if she's so f%^&ing sweet? I told my DP that it's not the day to do the taxi for her and luckily he had enough sense to understand. She wrote to him later that SD was left dissapointed, but I feel that it's because of her, she would bring her to any other party.
So in your case, I think it's the same. Honestly, I would be really pissed off at the BM, what is she thinking?
I would explain to SS that it's not realistic to fit 3 parties in one day and in life there are choices to make. At the max, bring him to just one party.

MeridianB · 03/03/2020 21:39

Definitely sounds like a hijack attempt. DSS should go to the first one if essential/possible and decline the second.

If she is accepting things for him on your time then ask her to stop.

ColaFreezePop · 03/03/2020 21:49

The ex is being a bitch.

I've had friends' whose children have been invited to multiple parties on the same weekend and the standard thing is that they only get to go to one.

Unless there is a court order saying otherwise - which I strongly doubt - then it is up to your OH to sort out the one other party his eldest is going to in his time. Even if they have swapped weekends or a day so your step-son can attend his half-sibling's birthday it is still your OH's time.

conduitoffortune · 03/03/2020 22:21

She's pushing the issue deliberately to be a bitch. She's not bothered about these 2 other parties really, seeing as she is 'too busy' prioritising other things to take him herself, but she's making her point loud and clear that your son's first birthday should be the very bottom of your DH's priority list. Fuck her and her stupid boundary pushing. It's your son's special day, don't look back on it with her cloud hanging over it tainting it for you!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/03/2020 22:35

@Wingingiteveryda - I think your dh needs to say to his ex -“With all the work involved in the baby’s party, I can’t drive dss to both of those parties. Either you will need to drive him to one, and I’ll drive him to the other, or he will need to decide which one he wants to go to, and I will take him to that one. Sorry”.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2020 00:10

One additional party is enough. She's being very unreasonable and needs to be told that the morning party isn't possibly.

She says she's busy ..so us his dad. End of discussion.

loststarling · 05/03/2020 13:08

I agree. She is busy? She knows dad is busy too. She shouldn't be agreeing activities on his time.

She is just trying to ruin the day for you.

Let him choose 1 party and put the ball back in mum's court.

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