What do your step children call you?

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

I have 2 DC with exH. We’ve been divorced 5 years ago. He’s been married for a couple of years to a lovely woman who my DC adore. She’s brilliant with them and I’m glad she’s in their life.

ExH was abusive and last year I had to go through court to stop him from continuing the abuse. Since then he’s kept to the word of the court order but has been finding other ways to prod me. One of them is telling the DC that they must call his wife ‘mum’, whereas previously they called her by her first name.

I find it very hurtful when they come home from their weekends with exH and his new family and talk about what they did with ‘mum’ or are asking about her on the phone. I’ve already got through the stage of them talking about having two mummies or their new mummy or their other mummy and just smiled and told them how lucky they were to have such a lovely step mummy, but this is for the long term. I’m just wondering how big of a deal it actually is before I tackle it. What do you step DC call you?

I am mummy but I have been about since he was 14 months and he has never lived with his mother. My husband was the one who left the hospital with him. He is now 8 but started around 4 when I had his brother. He got upset he had to call me by my name. He doesn't see his mother, it will be 4 years this month and before that is was once a month!

But your situation is totally different! You are the acting as their mum so you are the one who is mum!

My name.
I would have felt really uncomfortable if they'd called me Mum.

My friends kids call their stepdad "dad" but their own dad is dead. They were never asked and chose to after a number of years as young adults. Another friend is called by her first name.

My DSS's call me by my name. I've known them since they were 2 and 3 and we are now 10 years on almost. The youngest tried to call me mum a few times at first and I gently corrected him.
I love them like my own, and we now have two kids together too but they have a mum and I'm not trying to replace her.

Try explaining to them the difference and try to raise above, one day they will be old enough to understand what their father is actually like and they will be grateful for their strong and loving mother.

@00deed1988 I think that’s appropriate in your situation where the bio mother hasn’t ever been an active part in the DC’s life.

That’s really horrible of your ex, and so nasty .
I think you shouldn’t put any more pressure on your kids, as absolutely horrible that the situation is.
I’m sorry he’s being so horrible.

By my first name.

Conversely his mum encourages DSC to call his step father “dad” (he was on the scene a few years after me) and DSC got quite confused asking who dad was.

I once had a children entertainer push for my title, then insist on calling me “Mummy” I was a bit annoyed as think my first name is a perfectly adequate description of me. My nieces and nephew seem to manage ok!!

It’s a bit more blurred now I have my own DC, as to them I’m Mummy where DSC calls me by my first name. If they call me Mum by a slip of the tounge, which happens, I just brush it off.

My stepdaughter just calls me by my name, she has called me mum by accident on a few occasions but I would never make her call me that unless she wanted to. I'm not there to step on anyone's toes! x

My stepdaughter calls me by my name. She has called me Mum by accident on a few occasions but I would never make her call me that unless she wanted to. I'm not here to step on anyone's toes! x

You're over complicating this for your poor DC just because it hurts your feelings.

That is so unfair for your children. Children know they only have one Mum and Dad but others are additional people who love and care about them.

Your children are now worried about how they speak in front of you, how sad is that?

My DSC call me by my first name. They would never call me Mum but even if they did, it wouldn't bother me. I may say initially 'yes I'm your step mum' but I wouldn't make a big deal about this.

Step children call me by my name, but their children call me Granny, without the addition of a name. Their other grandmothers are Nanny and Nana so I’m not stepping on any toes.

Also just to add other people have referred to me as the DC Mum in front of them and we just brush it off. There's no point making a big deal of something when it's not required.

An example of this was when we took the kids on holiday and the air hostest something about Mum bringing treats. The kids know I'm not Mum.

My name and nothing else. They have a mum and that's not me.

Wow. He sounds a delight. I'm a step parent to one 10 year old and have been for nearly 8 years now. But never, ever would I feel comfortable nor would want to be called Mum!

My partners son is actively encouraged by his ex wife and her new partner to call the new partner dad. Has been pretty much since they met because she hates my partner and the new partner wants kids and she isn't prepared to give him any. The new partner even gets mail addressed to my partners son with his surname rather than his. It's wrong on so many levels but apart from telling him he only has two parents when he is with us there is little we can do unfortunately. Some people just care about themselves rather than what is actually best for the children involved. The fact you are questioning it makes you a good person.

Mine call me by my name. My DC have come up with a nickname for my partner.

My DSD has a nickname for me from when she was little and couldn’t pronounce my name. I often get called ‘dad errr mum errr nickname’! She gets there eventually :-)

I'm a stepdaughter.
I call my stepdad by his name. He calls me his daughter to other people, and when I talk about him and my mum I say "my parents". I dont call him Dad because I have a Dad even if he's not around, but I am ok with him calling me his daughter because he has been in my life more than my bio dad.

To be honest I'd be livid if my son was calling someone else mum. I'd be willing to talk to a lawyer about the potential of parental alienation but that's just me being overemotional.
Your kids already have a mum.

I'd be worried about the step mum tbh. Either she's so under his thumb that she isn't able to pull herself m up on expecting the dc to call her mum, or she's happy to go along with it. Is your ex a control freak?

My DSS calls me by my name. He calls his stepdad dad which annoys me especially because his stepfather is an abusive controlling asshole.
We have talked about how he has 1 mum and dad and a step mum and step dad reiterating that he is loved in both his homes by both his families.

This happened to my cousin and she matter of factly told the kids that if they want to call their stepmum mum that when they’re with their dad they have to go to her for everything (just like they do with their real mum). It lasted a day before the kids returned to calling her by her name instigated by the stepmum who was exhausted already by her baby

I've been in my step son's life since he was 1yo. He couldn't say my name properly when he started to talk, and the name he could say has stuck and that's what he still calls me now that he's 4. (Tbh most in the family have adopted it as a nickname too). I like that it's a name he came up with, as it feels special, but you only have one mum and I'd be reaffirming that if needed.

My 19 year old step daughter who came into my life when she was 8 has always called me by a nickname. She often says to people I’m her “nickname” as I’ve always said she has a mum who is a really good one and doesn’t need another. She has often said she appreciates my part in her life, and not trying to be a replacement mum. I do still get Mother’s Day cards and gifts from her, as she says I’ve had a massive influence on her life and choices. She appreciates having someone to talk to who is relatively neutral