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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting Parter's kids for the first time AHHH

46 replies

TillyPresto · 29/02/2020 07:52

Morning lovely people!
I live with my boyfriend and he has the kids ( 3 and 5 year olds) every other weekend. I've been having to move out of home during holidays and weekends (which I'm REALLY struggling with).
But today, I am meeting the kids for the first time.

I'm freaking out. What if I don't like them? What if they're too intense? I work with kids all day every day, do I want to spend my spare time looking after someone else's kids too?

He's 28, I'm 24, I'm not wanting kids yet. I want it to work with him, but I work myself up about having to leave home the whole time and spend a lot of time in a bad mood that I can't get out of 😭

I'm starting to resent the kids...

Will things be easier when I've met them?

Thanks in advance ❤️

OP posts:
Sotiredofthislife · 29/02/2020 07:58

You moved in with someone who’s children you’ve not actually met?

CleanAndPaidFor · 29/02/2020 08:13

Honestly you've got things in the wrong order here. I would move out completely if you're serious about this man. Take it a step at a time . His children are always going to be a huge and important part of his life and you need to accept that if you want a relationship with him. I speak as a long standing step parent and parent.

Sirzy · 29/02/2020 08:17

Exactly what clean said.

If his youngest is only 3 this seems very rushed to be at the point where you are living together and it’s strange you moved in without having worked to slowly build a relationship with the children. His home should be their safe space.

I would make sure today’s meeting is away from the home and is taken at their pace

Original poster
TillyPresto · 29/02/2020 08:22

I know things have happened in the wrong order -it's an extremely complicated situation, but it has worked for us so far, I am just hoping that the meeting will be ok 😁

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 29/02/2020 08:32

If you’re starting to resent the kids, yet you haven’t even met them... you’ve put yourself in a position where there’s going to be a lot riding on this.

Obviously there is more to this. But remember when those feelings of resentment pop up - it’s a situation of your own making.

I hope however it’s a lighthearted meet and it goes well.

YgritteSnow · 29/02/2020 08:34

I'm starting to resent the kids...

When you haven't even met them? They're in for a real treat with you aren't they? Hmm

You're too young and immature to be in a relationship with someone with very young children. You should end it. But you won't.

Original poster
TillyPresto · 29/02/2020 08:43

The only reason there's a bit of resentment is because I can't spend all the time with him that I want to.

I'm working through it and just wanting some positive advice to help me out 😊

OP posts:
lunar1 · 29/02/2020 08:46

For fucks sake there is absolutely nothing positive about this and your boyfriend should have put his children first. Whoever moved in should move back out and not put his children through this disgusting situation.

Wheretolive4 · 29/02/2020 08:52

I'm starting to resent the kids They’re completely innocent little kids Sad

My advice would be to remember that they’re very young and they just want to be with their dad and he wants to be with them. Feel some empathy for both. This is going to be weird and hard for them too. They might play up because of that. If you go into the meeting feeling open and having empathy, it’ll help a lot.

If you don’t like them after meeting them or continue to have ANY resentment, you should end this relationship - seriously. It won’t be good for anyone in it.

When you go into a relationship with someone who has kids, it can never be all about you and you seem to want that.

pumpkinpie01 · 29/02/2020 08:52

You really don't sound mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who has kids to be honest. You resent them as it means you can't see him as much as you want to ! What did you think living with someone who has kids would be like for goodness sake !?

easythere · 29/02/2020 08:55

He only has them every other weekend and you resent him not having that time with you?

You get to see their father a lot more than they do.

Biancadelrioisback · 29/02/2020 08:55

OP, you need to accept now that you will never be first in his life. His kids will (or should) always come before you. If you resent them now because they stop you spending all your time with him, that is only going to intensify as they get older and want more 1 on 1 time with their dad.
You're worried that you won't like them, but if they don't like you, there is a good chance your relationship will be over.

giggleshizz · 29/02/2020 09:02

Surely this can't be real. You move in with someone with very young children whom he barely sees, you haven't met them and you already resent them? If you see a future with this man you may eventually be a step mother to these children. What if something happens to their mother and they need to live with you full time. How would you feel about that? I think you seriously need to consider your future with this man and maybe meet someone who doesn't have children.

Booboostwo · 29/02/2020 09:20

Stop thinking about yourself and behave a bit more responsibly.

Get your own place and move out asap. Then see what kind of relationship you can develop with your boyfriend given that he is already a father with parenting commitments.

Do not meet the children like this, it is extremely unfair to them.

Greysunshine · 29/02/2020 09:22

to play devils advocate, I think everyone is being a bit harsh. He only sees his children every other weekend, so is he not allowed to have a life outside of this and a live in partner? Yes she’s moved in with him but she doesn’t have children and so doesn’t it matter if she’s known him 2 months or 2 years? What would be the point in having two homes when 12 nights out of 14 they spend together?
Meeting the children will be a good thing, it will mean you no longer need to stay away and can join them and help out on his weekends with them.

Resenting them maybe the wrong word to use as you haven’t met them. I understand that having to move out for holidays and weekends would of been awkward but after today not so much. Try and enjoy your time with them, they will be great, after all they are 50% of the man you want to have children with.

DarkMutterings · 29/02/2020 09:39

Moving past the speed it's all happened (but yes I agree with the others, way too fast...)

Do you know any young kids - nieces, nephews, friend's kids? Don't try to get them to like you, kids smell bullshit a mile away. Be interested in what they do but don't gush. Don't cling to your boyfriend, keep it very casual. Don't pitch up with big presents. Hopefully you've planned to do something they like - eg meet for ice cream in the park. You don't need to be anything other than another friendly and pleasant adult in their company.

But seriously also think whether you really want to be a step mum, it's not for the faint hearted or the emotionally sensitive.

Fantasiaa · 29/02/2020 09:52

You moved in with someone before meeting their kids ?

You resent his kids ?

user246854 · 29/02/2020 10:10

I think you should be focusing more on if the kids like you rather than if you like them!

This post is all about you and

I think you should move out as your clearly not ready for a relationship like this

Rainallnight · 29/02/2020 10:15

I’d be pleased I’d found a man who was so committed to maintaining a relationship with his kids. Too many walk away.

HillAreas · 29/02/2020 10:21

do I want to spend my spare time looking after someone else's kids too?

Has anyone asked you to? I’ve been with DH nearly 6 years and could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve looked after DSD on my own. His contact time is for his daughter to spend time with her father so that’s what happens.

WhyThisLife · 29/02/2020 10:24

I'm not really sure how you can resent kids you've never met to be honest. When as another pp pointed out, you see their father a lot more than they do, surely EOW away from each other isn't too difficult to manage?

But anyway, just came on to say I was freaking out when I met my now DHs kids. I wanted it to go well so badly, I couldn't eat in the morning! Because I knew that I wanted to be with him but it wouldn't work unless these little people liked me.

It was a little awkward at first, but then my SC were older than your partners are when we first met so I'd say 3 & 5 are probably easier ages to get on with, it's more about just being fun/playful than actual conversation at that age.

Now I get on with my SC like a house on fire, they are like my little mates, we do things on our own together, have a laugh, they give me hugs goodbye, send me texts when they aren't with us etc... It's a nice feeling and I can't remember that awkwardness anymore. Just take your time, don't overdo it straight away, I'd say don't just meet them and then assume every time they are with your DP, you should be there from then on too, they'll still want time just with dad. Just do it slowly and don't expect too much right off the bat.

Kanga83 · 29/02/2020 10:28

He only sees his tiny children and YOU resent the kids for not having HIM all the time? Either this is a wind up or do those poor children a favour and get out now. I'm pretty sure those little children are sad and resentful that they only see daddy for two nights in 14 and now they have to share him with someone who is meant to be a grown up and resents them from the off.

FlyingWithTheDevil · 29/02/2020 10:32

Fucking he'll. just move out will u. You sound like a child yourself. Jealous because he's spending time with his kids and not you?

I couldn't be with someone who was jealous of my kids. We come as a package and they will always come first

Aquathest · 29/02/2020 10:36

*The only reason there's a bit of resentment is because I can't spend all the time with him that I want to.

I'm working through it and just wanting some positive advice to help me out*

You will never be able to spend all the time that you want with him. You should have recognised that before starting a relationship with a man with children... not to mention moving in with him.

His children were there before you and any decent man would ensure that any woman he introduced into his children's lives knew and understood the importance of accepting his children.

The only advice I can think of to help you out is: there will be someone else out there who will be a better fit for you. This is not the relationship for you.

EliK · 29/02/2020 10:37

I work with kids all day every day, do I want to spend my spare time looking after someone else's kids too?
Honestly? No. You already resent them. You're only 24. Sorry but maybe rethink things.

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