Meeting Parter's kids for the first time AHHH

[TillyPresto]

Morning lovely people!
I live with my boyfriend and he has the kids ( 3 and 5 year olds) every other weekend. I've been having to move out of home during holidays and weekends (which I'm REALLY struggling with).
But today, I am meeting the kids for the first time.

I'm freaking out. What if I don't like them? What if they're too intense? I work with kids all day every day, do I want to spend my spare time looking after someone else's kids too?

He's 28, I'm 24, I'm not wanting kids yet. I want it to work with him, but I work myself up about having to leave home the whole time and spend a lot of time in a bad mood that I can't get out of 😭

I'm starting to resent the kids...

Will things be easier when I've met them?

Thanks in advance ❤️

I work with kids all day every day, do I want to spend my spare time looking after someone else's kids too?

If you're already asking yourself this before you've even met them, why are you in this relationship? They aren't going anywhere.

You either need to accept this situation and make and effort, leave every other weekend and let him spend that time with his kids (which is barely anything to be fair), or ideally, find a better suited relationship.

it's an extremely complicated situation isn’t it always

it has worked for us so far clearly not true or you wouldn’t be assuming you’ll resent these children who you haven’t yet met.

You sound incredibly immature. Why do you resent them? They’re innocent children that barely see their dad! Either let them have a relationship without being jealous or get the hell out of there.

How long have you been with him, OP?

I tend to agree with Greysunshine, people are being harsh. People on MN always say "you should just live separately" but the reality is many of us can't really afford to keep two separate households going and if you would be spending all your time at each others places anyway, it's a very impractical suggestion for the sake of the few days a month it's actually a problem.

I was in a not dissimilar position and honestly I do think having to vacate your home EOW, rather than him being the one to do it, will lead to niggling feelings of annoyance and resentment, not specifically of the kids, but of the situation their presence creates. It doesn't feel good to feel pushed out of your own home, I get that. You will probably find it feels better and you feel more valued when that stops and you start getting to know them. They are very young so it's quite likely they will just see you as a playmate and you will be able to have laid back fun with them, at first at least.

One thing I would really advise though, and I say this as someone that was (and remains) in quite a similar set up - don't be naive that these feelings will go away. Chances are, for one reason or another, whether it be the logistics of having to be effectively banished from your house, or the lack of freedom of having them EOW and holidays, or their actual behaviour, you will probably always feel the level of doubt and annoyance you currently feel. You should think now about whether you can honestly live like that or whether you would be better continuing to look for someone childless, because I do honestly believe this is what your life will always be like if you stay and you could easily find a relationship that didn't give you those feelings.

What if you don't like them? Are you 12??

Your post is all about your needs and not theirs. I think perhaps this may be the right relationship for you but the wrong time. It is absolutely fair enough that you don't want children yet, think carefully about whether you want step children because I do t think you do. In which case I would walk away.

I’m literately cringing reading your posts OP

This isn’t for you love. Why saddle yourself with a man with two kids at your age?

Your going to start taking on the ‘mother’ role with his kids when they are there and you won’t get much ‘real’ time with him.

Do you really want this?

This thread is such bullshit 🙄

Aye ok.🙄

It can be a shock. I met DH when I was 20 and his kids were teenagers, and we had an unconventional start, we moved in together almost immediately because I got pregnant. His boys lived with him full time and I met them really early on, we got married a year later so I was a stepmum at 21. I had similar doubts, even though my step kids were a lot older than your partner's children - would they like me, would I like them, how would it work when they have had their dad to themselves for 12 years since their mum left? I decided the best way to approach it was as casually as possible - I wasn't there to replace their mum, I could be a good friend to them if they wanted but I was the mother of their little sibling. It worked out fine and we all got on well, in fact at DH's funeral, DSS2 said in his eulogy that he had never known his dad to be happy, until he met me, then it was like life and gone from black and white to colour.

I think what I'm saying is, don't try too hard, be positive and friendly, be consistent, and remember it's a big change for them too. Good luck!

I think you are getting a rough time on this thread when you are just being honest about your feelings. You are human, after all and everyone has darker, inconvenient feelings that are hard to come to terms with. But I think that the judgment is there because a lot of people have experience of situations, perhaps similar to this, where adults have put their own needs first to the detriment of their kids / stepkids. And the fallout from that can last a lifetime for all involved. It would probably be good if you can have someone independent you can share your feelings with honestly, without shame. And if you have the capacity (I think most people don’t, regardless of age) you should always put the kids feelings first if you continue with this relationship. And that is a tall order. Best of luck with the meet up and going forward.

Hi Tilly,

Just to jump in on this (I haven’t actually read the rest of the thread) but a couple of months ago, when I met my DP’s children (2 and 6). For context, I’m 22, and he is 30.

I was absolutely terrified before I met them, about the fact I might not like them and they would hate me etc etc etc. We’d had a tumultuous start to our relationship with his ex sending me threats etc which I think made me panic even more.

It was almost a year before I met them, and although at the start I spent a lot of time feeling upset and unloved when they came round, we had a huge breakthrough, and now all get on really well.

I actually took them up to see my farm, and this was the massive breakthrough, his daughter (6) decided I was her best friend at that point and started wanting to hold my hand, and spend time with me etc etc, and it’s just gotten better from there.

Don’t get me wrong, they can still be huge pains in our arses, as I think any children can be(!), but they are lovely kids and trust me - it does get better!!

(I also sometimes still feel teary, and sometimes do still resent the fact he doesn’t spend time with me - but I honestly think it’s completely normal!)

Good luck!

I'm going to say this kindly but its clear you're not suited to being with someone who already has young dc.

Unfortunately there is no positive advice anyone can give you, apart from hard truthful facts from people who have experienced this before, you are with someone who allready has children, they will be their priority at all times and you will be second, even though you more than likely treat him as your priority at all times, unfortunately it wil never be returned, but that is what happens when you enter into a relationship with someone who allready has kids, you will be expected to look after them at some point or to drop them or pick them up from Somewhere when things get comfortable, or look after them in a Sat night when he goes out, why you have moved in with him is anyone's guess, you will just have to accept it or move out there is no other answer than that, complain all you want it will not fix the situation I'm afraid. They come as a package deal.

My only advice is to reconsider whether you have it in you at this young age of life to be a step mum.

His kids only see him EOW. If you resent that this has no future because it will go on for at least 10 years.

they will be their priority at all times and you will be second, even though you more than likely treat him as your priority at all times, unfortunately it wil never be returned, but that is what happens when you enter into a relationship with someone who allready has kids, you will be expected to look after them at some point or to drop them or pick them up from Somewhere when things get comfortable, or look after them in a Sat night when he goes out,

I have never looked after my DSD so my DH could go out on a Saturday night because a) it’s not my responsibility and b) he wouldn’t want to go out on the night he has her, so that isn’t the case for everyone. I’ve also never been expected to pick her up or look after her. I’ve been asked to when there’s been an emergency or if DH is popping to the shops etc, but it’s certainly not expected. I feel sorry for anyone whose partner forces their responsibilities on to them or who treats them like second best.

I do have to say though OP step parenting can be hard & there are sacrifices. You work with kids so you know all kids can be annoying and even more so when they live with you, but aren’t yours so you don’t have the same say you’d have with your own.

I guess if I had tips they’d be:

Don’t take on your partner’s responsibilities. He only has them a few days so he should be doing all the parenting. Be like a fun aunt.

Keep in mind when you’re feeling resentful that it’s most likely towards your partner rather than his children. I.e it was his choice to move you in then make you move out when they come over, not theirs.

Try not to worry about things that they do that don’t affect you directly. Being able to think “not my problem” will make for a much less stressful life.

Take time for yourself. Even once you’ve been introduced and don’t have to go out, you don’t have to be there every time they are. See your own friends/family, do hobbies etc.

Don’t post on mumsnet for support as a step mum. You’ll be torn apart by some posters no matter what you say!

Apart from the speed of your relationship....I'd just be so disappointed and sad if my 24 year old daughter was saddling herself with a man who has the baggage of 2 kids.

If you end up with him long term...your joint income is affected by child support payments. You have so many adjustments to make and he has experienced so many 'firsts' with his Ex and their kids.

It's one thing settling with a man with kids in your late 30s or 40s upwards. .not at 24 when you're in your prime. Its w too much hassle for a person your age.

Not sure this will end well. Very sad for those children that you resent them before you've even met them.

where is the bit where the OP says shes been with him 2 months? and meeting the kids?

just cringing at this!

OP do the kids a favour and get your own place

where is the bit where the OP says shes been with him 2 months? and meeting the kids?

just cringing at this!

OP do the kids a favour and get your own place