Does it get easier?

[Felic23]

Hi just wanted to find out from other step parents/blended families does it get easier the older the children are? I know it varies for many different reasons but on the whole is it easier to blend a family with kids 16/17 yrs then 10 yr olds?

My guessing is that it would be, as the older they are the more they have their own lives and can be as involved or not involved as they want to be.

My partner and I have been together 5 yrs and are waiting to move in until his Son who lives with him full time and my Son are older, currently 10 and 11 yrs. My Son is adamant he is not interested at all in moving in so im hoping he will care less the older he gets!

Would really like other peoples opinions.
Thanks

I wouldn't say it is easier. Teens hold grudges that last far longer than you can imagine. Why is your son adamant it isn't happening? Does he not get along with your partner or his son? How does your partner's son feel?

@delilahbucket thanks for your reply. My Son and me have been on our own for 9 yrs. The boys get along ok but his Son used to have behaviour issues, quite bad (goes to a special school) he used to get angry and be aggressive towards my Son. All that has stopped for a long time now, but because of that we never really spent much time together. The boys are worlds apart in personalities and interests. My Son said ge would go to live with his Dad who would have him so I decided against it until they were older. His Son on the other hand is very open to the idea.

@delilahbucket forgot to add he gets on very well with my partner so that isnt the issue.

Maybe you need to get the kids to spend more time together. If they get on it will work in your favour. If not, then it's time to rethink your plans to move in.

I don't think it's easier with teens either. I'd also agree that teens hold on to grudges for longer than smaller kids. Also, they can be very set in their ways, very territorial & quite unreasonable at times. And - they often keep coming home well into their 20's
Ex dp & I split over his teens and their absolute refusal to engage with me and my teens.
If your son is adamant he wants little to do with dp's child now, I'd imagine that view will stay with him for some time yet.

@Magda72 thanks for reply. He unfortunately is quite adamant and with him having the option of going to live at his Dads its very tricky for me. On the other hand I barely see my partner and we wont last not moving in together. My Son doesnt mind spending him with them but he would never choose to and moving in talks leave him in tears. Sorry to hear it split you up, its so hard when there are kids involved.

I split with my ex when his child reached teenage years. I found juggling a teen plus my much younger children extremely exhausting. I was walking on egg shells and not being the best mum possible to my own children out of fear of upsetting the teen and their mum.
Teen step dc seem to need more attention than a 5 year old or they go crying to their mum about not feeling part of the family. See what I mean about walking on egg shells?
They cost ££££££. I think I got the point where I thought my children would be better off financially if it was just us. And I was right! And then their mum had already made demands for the future regarding driving lessons. I thought fuck this - I’m out.

Then there was the not being clear when they would be here. I found that really disrespectful and rude.

Thanks @Felic23. I think @funinthesun19 is spot on in her post also. Teens are difficult anyway & unless they are taught manners and respect they honestly seem to loose their heads on entitlement!
I know your situation is different in that there's behavioural issues with your dp's ds & without knowing your dp's approach to these it's hard to say if they will become more of an issue down the road as he gets older.
Re your own ds: I'm a great believer in kids learning to compromise & not run their parents lives. To this end I was very supportive of my exh & his dw having more kids & really encouraged my three to suck it up (in a nice way) & see the positives in having more siblings & that family unit is now very well blended.
However, while I was initially very optimistic that my kids & exdp's kids could also just get on with it, over time it became clear to me that I would not put my kids through living with his. Put simply I didn't trust them - they became ever more entitled & manipulative & made NO effort at all to get on with my kids who in fairness to them really did try. I also didn't trust their dm, & I also didn't trust that dp would not be always manipulated. If they had been different kids; if they had a nicer dm & if dp had been more inclined to call them out on their crap I would have been far more inclined to encourage mine to get on with it but as I saw it they were going to be allowed rule the roost.
I suppose you need to determine if your son's distress is genuine or if he's just trying to keep the status quo because he likes it. In short do you trust your dss, your dp & their supports (ie his dm) to help with blending or would blending be 'all about them' with your ds lost in the middle of it all?

Not easier just different problems to face.

Dss is 15 and his attendance is shit. His mum will do nothing about it and were limited to what we can actually do about it and yet its us getting shit from school and im pre empting his mum throwing him out to us if/when he does crap in his gcses.

Equally hes now avoided us for almost 2 weeks because he knows we want to talk to him about it. He hasnt told us hes not coming on his usual days he just not turned up. Its rude.

I think a lot of it hinges on their upbringing in general and their other parent.

Much harder to step parent when there is no united front.

as I saw it "they"were going to be allowed rule the roost
They, as in dp's kids, not mine.

@Magda72 Im a bit stuck as my Son is aware (although ive not said it to him) that we are not moving in because he doesnt want to. As its only been me and him he probably has had his own way a lot and not had to compete with siblings. I do NOT want him growing up spoilt and entitled at all but if we did move he has the option of going to live with his Dad. His Dad is round the corner and would happily have him. This leaves me not wanting to move but also with my Son knowing hes getting his own way.

Teens are difficult anyway & unless they are taught manners and respect they honestly seem to loose their heads on entitlement!

All it takes is a simple text to say they are/aren’t coming at the weekend.

Once, my ex’s dc decided to just leave and go back to mum’s. Just sheepishly slunk out of the door and in to mum’s car.
That night his exw exploded at me for having “so many children” with my ex. She said her child doesn’t feel welcome. I’d literally just been having a conversation with her child and we’d been talking about a mutual interest! We’d been talking about their week away with mum. But because my attention also had to wonder on to the younger children this apparently sent the message that she didn’t have a place in the family 🤯 Mood swings and a fucking psycho mum who indulges it! That’s why being a stepmum to teen step dsc is so hard work. Because there is a mum in the back ground ready to indulge ridiculous emotional outbursts.
I said I’m not sorry for giving all of the children my time and efforts.

The mutual interest wasn’t a week away with their mum 😂 I realised how that might sound. I’d rather jump off a cliff.

@sendhelpppppp thanks for reply. I dont have an issue with the other parent as my ss lives with Dad and has no contact with Mum. I would be fulltime step Mum.

What did the aggression and anger to your son look like and how long did it go on for?

Did you put a stop to it immediately or did it take a while? How did your partner deal with each incident? I wouldn't live with someone who had previously behaved this way to me if I had any other choice.

Does your ex nog have a partner?

Your ds May find the grass isn’t greener at is dads, unless you both indulge all his whims.

Surely your ex will have a relationship and another family as well at some point?

If you’re sure your son will be safe if start looking at blending families sooner rather than later.

@frazzledasarock no my ex does not have a partner and never has since we split. Cant see it happening anytime soon either! His Dad smokes weed and lets him do what he wants so I cant risk my Son wanting to go there full time.

@lunar1 thanks for reply. His Son used to hit and generally throw big tantrums. A lot of screaming, lashing out etc. It was always dealt with and we never left them alone together. This was at the ages of around 6 to 8 yrs. The last couple of years his Son has transformed and is now probably better behaved than my Son. The main difference is now that my Son would not fight anyone but his Son is a fighter. Im not sure if maybe my Son feels intimidated by him.

If her partner's son is 10/11 and they have been together for 5 years, perhaps he was 5/6 at the time he was aggressive? I think a lot of kids might still have a few toddlerish hang ups at this age without necessarily turning into an aggressive kid long term.

I suppose you need to determine if your son's distress is genuine or if he's just trying to keep the status quo because he likes it

I think this is very wise. The best thing to do would be to spend more time together as a group and see if the kids get on better now they are older. It would be unfair for him to live in a house where your partner's son's behaviour is making him uncomfortable but at the same time, there are a lot of kids who would try to "keep mum to themselves" at the expense of her happiness, and if you pander to this too much you run the risk of making yourself miserable just to allow his sense of entitlement. You need to be sure of which it is.

@asofaNearYou thanks for reply, I agree spending more time together is a good idea. Im sure a little bit of my Sons upset over the situation is he is afraid of the huge change it will be for him and hes had a pretty cushty life so far thats rightly or wrongly revolved around him. On the other hand my partners Son does make him feel uncomfortable i see it whenever there together even though they appear to get on ok now. Doesnt help that they couldnt be anymore different!

Don’t force your son to spend time with your boyfriends kid, why not keep your love life and your son separate? He’ll leave home in a few years then you can hang out with your boyfriend all you want. You son shouldn’t have to tolerate a violent person, or be around people he doesn’t like just to facilitate his mothers sex life. All the issues would dissipate if you kept the 2 areas of your life separate

Nope. I wouldn't move in together. I'd put your son first. Yes he's getting his own way but he should. I would gently try to get the boys together a bit more in a fun way and see how it goes. Why won't your relationship last if you don't move in together?

@Rootd because it is very difficult to build on/develop a relationship if you can't spend time with your partner. And spending time with a partner when both you and they are rp's is very hard unless the children are happy to be included.
If op's son is not happy to be in her dp's son's company then I would imagine the amount of time op can spend with her dp is severely limited - that's dating, not a relationship.
Of course no child should be put in a situation where they feel unsafe but alternatively an adult cannot be expected to put their life on hold for a child who just wants to keep things as they like.
Only op can decide if dp's son is a genuine 'threat' v's her own son just not wanting things to change - not an easy place to be for op.

Well said Magda

If OPs son is 10 then he isn't moving out in a few years. It's not a small thing to say "just hardly ever see each other until your kids leave home", that way of life is not for everyone.