Where I am now (as the woman in your wives shoes) is that I have detached from contact as I am very clear that firstly and most importantly,
EOW contact is a priority for my DP and his Dc. Secondly, my weekend downtime with my own children (I work fulltime and am pretty much 50/50 with my exh) is equally important. I had gotten to the point where these issues were starting to impact how I felt, in my own home with my own children. Which was wholly unacceptable for me and my children. Finally, I completely disagreed with what I saw as my Dp’s refusal to manage the situation appropriately. So I removed myself from it all. The difference between my situation and yours is that I’m not married or living with my partner. And even though he has been keen to live together and ‘blend’ I have resolutely refused.
The result of this is my DP is free to fully enjoy his time with his DC. How he parents/ disciplines deals with his DC is his business. I also don’t have my weekends impacted by behaviours that I have no control over.
I also went into counselling to achieve the above level of detachment. And sadly to achieve the above it also involves detaching from the children to some extent.
Until anyone has been consistently on the receiving end of rejecting behaviours from a child/ children, it is difficult to comprehend how stressful it becomes. Anyone on the outside (including the parent of the child who is doing the rejecting behaviours) uses the rhetoric ‘you’re the adult, rise above it, they’re the child!’. Which is the most unhelpful (and unkind) thing to say to anyone in this situation.
My response to that is no one else would think it acceptable to tell me that someone could come into my home, repeatedly. Be rude to me. And get me to a point where I actively wanted to leave my own house/ hide myself away in my bedroom just to get away from this behaviour. The reality is that I would tear a strip off my children if they behaved this way in anyone’s house. As would my exh. And they would be told, in no uncertain terms that unless they found their manners, there would be further consequences. My children are also from a divorced family and they don’t behave this way.
Time and time again I see excuse after excuse being peddled out for poor behaviour from young children in divorced families. And a complete absence of boundaries/ discipline/ parenting, especially I am sorry to say when it is the NRP EOW contact.
My DP used to repeatedly say his weekends were to have ‘fun’ with his children. Well, I’d like to be able say that about my children. The reality is that my weekends at times (for both my exh and I) can be tough at times when (for example) no wifi is implemented as a time out for something the children have done. Parenting isn’t about fun IMO.
Listen I appreciate that it’s tough for the children in these situations. I do. Your DD sounds like she’s had a lot of change and the adults around her have all ‘blended’, leaving her wondering where she fits into all. I have no doubt she’s confused and struggling.
You are married and living with your wife. My number one piece of advice would be to get into counselling with her ASAP. If my partner had been able to recognise that there was a problem and work with me (as opposed to telling me that I needed to be the adult), we may be in a much situation. You need to be able to enjoy your time with your DD. Your wife needs to feel heard and respected.
The comment she has made re rewarding poor behaviour leads me to believe that she doesn’t believe you have managed the situation appropriately at all. As like me, she is probably of the view that she would never let her child behave this way in someone else’s home without consequences. You obviously don’t feel that way.
And that disjoint if you’re not careful, will implode your relationship. And I repeat, if as an adult you let a 9 year old have this much control in your life, then brace brace. Because when this kids hits their teens, you’ll really start to see the consequences of not nipping this in the bud now.