Step children woes

[dadandstepdad]

First post - please forgive my lack of the usual acronyms etc!

I am a Dad of a 7yo D, split from my ex wife around 6 years ago and met my new wife a year later. She has a S who is 9yo who lives with us full time apart from visiting his Dad. My D visits us one weekend a fortnight (all I was able to negotiate after lengthy mediation sessions). The home situation is, on paper, nearly perfect - we live comfortably in a lovely house, the children don't really need for anything and we try and spend quality time as a family.

The issue we have is the relationship between my D and my new wife. My D over the last year or so has become more and more distant and will sometimes not interact with my new wife and clams up when she is in the room, is not herself at mealtimes and generally finds it difficult to relax. There isn't an obvious reason for this as we have always tried to create an open family relationship and my wife hasn't been the 'wicked' step mum at all! All the adults involved have tried to talk to D about this and understand what the underlying issue is and have had no luck - she constantly says she 'doesn't know'.

This issue has gotten extremely bad to the point where we dread the weekends we are all together and it is tearing us apart. My D will try and make an effort here and there but will revert to her usual silent, ignoring ways during the weekend and my wife is just waiting for this to happen. These weekends should be the fun times. Right now I don't see a way out from this - our marriage will fall apart, my D will decide she no longer wants to see me or I decide to remove myself from the situation.

I want to know whether other people have had issues, particularly with girls between 6 and 9. It feels like this is the age when they can make some decisions on their own about how to act but can't fully articulate how they are feeling. What issues did you face, did you ever get to the bottom of the reasons (perhaps when they were older and could explain) and what did you do to combat these?

I am at breaking point and am running out of places to turn. I am not educated enough or know enough about children to understand what is going on here.

Any help is gratefully received!

You barely see your daughter. Dont force her into family time she needs 1 on 1 with you! Your wife gets that much more often with her own child. She needs to step back. The current set up is very unfair on your dd

I dont think once a fornight is enough time she probly feels like a stranger in your house and is shy.. could you not take her once a week then 2 nights every fornight. Seems to me you could do with it she might open up more

I haven’t read the thread. But I think this is common place among girls when they get to a certain age. I think they feel loyalties should be with mum and start to withdraw from dad and his home.

I was a step daughter, and the biggest mistake you can make is to force your daughter to play happy families. In her seven year old way she's letting you know she's not happy, and she's unable to articulate why.

I'm another poster advising you to spend 1-2-1 time with her, she needs to know she matters to you as an individual and not just as a cameo role in your new set up.

Good luck, you sound like a good caring father and husband, but take her to the pictures/bowling/ice skating whatever and have fun just the two of you.

Can you clarify bad behaviour? From your op I don’t see anyway. She is going quiet which shows she is uncomfortable. You should absolutely be spending one on one time with her. You hardly see her. Why wouldn’t you?

My dc have no desire or interest in spending time with their parents new partners...it has surprised me but to them the partners are surplus. They only really want to spend time with their parents and find other adults draining.

If you see your daughter 4 days a month then she will definitely need one to one time. The transition from mums to your house is challenging for children so don't expect her to be "on" from the start. Give her time to adjust.

Remember your daughter is an individual and she will be responding in her way that enables her to cope. Is she doing ok at school, eating and sleeping ok? If so then just be gentle and accepting that she is not comfortable in your home at present.

Your wife needs to know that your daughter is a priority so she has to take a step back, even if she feels slightly excluded at times.

How you navigate these years is the foundation for your long term relationship with your daughter.

Can you take her out for dinner one night a week? Just the two of you?

Fuck off all the happy family shit. Hang our with your daughter. Ask her what she wants to do, or come up with good ideas, and do them with her, no one else tagging along. Trust me.