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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Will split, another one!

47 replies

ThankfullyAlive · 10/02/2020 05:09

DP and I own a house together. DP has two DC from a previous relationship and we have one DC together. The house is mortgaged and owned as tenants in common in equal shares. If either of us did in the lifetime of the mortgage we have insurance to pay it off. We are not married, do not intend to marry and so our finances are very much separate but we earn roughly the same amount. He will out earn me when I return to work PT but I can still afford to equally contribute to the house. Food may be the issue where I wouldn't necessarily be able to equally contribute, but I pay almost every cost for our DC. He pays for his other DC who don't live with us.

Now in our Wills we give the right to the other to occupy the house until certain criteria is met (e.g. marriage/death etc). Otherwise everything I have (minus a few specific gifts) goes to our DC. DP, however, has left his share of the house equally between his three DC but only his first and second born will get anything else of his e.g. cash, vehicles, investments etc. I just can't understand why he thinks this is fair. His argument is that our DC will inherit from me. But his older children have a mother too who no doubtly they'd inherit from. Granted I have a better paid job than her but I don't think that is relevant? Also DPs parents are well off. If they died and left their money to DP, our DC would stand to lose out on a lot if DP didn't change his Will. DP thinks we should have done our Wills separately and he is right. I just can't understand his logic. I'm sure I'm going to get ripped to shreds here but perhaps someone can give me a good insight as to his thought process and logic. It's really affected the way I see DP as I think he is being unfair, but perhaps I am.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 10/02/2020 05:21

I don't think you are being unreasonable. He has 3 children and is treating them differently in his will. Although apart from pointing this out again to him, you can't force him to change his will.

okiedokieme · 10/02/2020 05:24

Remember wills can be changed if he inherited substantially for instance.

Original poster

ThankfullyAlive · 10/02/2020 05:27

I did point it out a second time and it ended him telling me to forget it, we should have done them separately and he is right. I wouldn't know then. I would never try to force him to change it, it's his last wishes after all, not mine. He thinks I think he is being unfair. And I do. I don't get it at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThankfullyAlive · 10/02/2020 05:30

That was his point too @okiedokieme but if you're spending money on a Will, why not future proof it. I suggested say the first £X to his first borns, then split the remainder 3 ways. He didn't like that either.

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 10/02/2020 05:32

I'd ask him how he'd explain it to his DC3 when they're older honestly. It should all be split equally among each of your own children (his, 3 ways. Yours, 1 way). But sadly we can't dictate logic to another person.

Narcheska · 10/02/2020 07:32

Not that it's fair at all but what is his older children's mothers situation. Maybe he views it as they won't get anything or much from her so he's making up for it whereas your going child get your half of the house (which could be a substantial amount?!) and 1/3 of his. He may see it as being "Even" now.

Saying that I don't believe it's fair or right and he should treat them equally.

I have 3 children 1 previous relationships and 2 with DH. We're leaving everything spilt 3 ways. We know in theory my eldest will inherit from his dad too but my husband feels strongly things should be fair for all the kids

lunar1 · 10/02/2020 07:34

He should split his assets equally between his children. It doesn't matter who will inherit what from anyone else, it's how his three children will feel when one is favoured over the others.

You just can't factor in what other people might do in their will.

sassbott · 10/02/2020 07:34

He’s disinheriting his youngest child. There’s no logic needed. That’s the fact and if he’s ok with that then, quite honestly, it would make me question if I could be with a man like that. He’s causing a divide amongst his three children. And therefore causing a divide between you and him.
You also say in your OP that you pay almost every cost for your Dc. Why?

How has that gotten established? It’s of zero consequence that he pays for his other children. He also has a third with you and he should be contributing towards that child, especially if you are returning PT.

Honestly? Why are you with this man? If anyone treated my child (with that person) like a second class citizen next to their first born, we would be having a serious conversation about our future together. I would categorically not tolerate this.

10FrozenFingers · 10/02/2020 07:39

I would be rethinking my relationship with a man prepared to treat his child so unfairly.

Original poster

ThankfullyAlive · 10/02/2020 08:05

That's the issue. As I said I'm struggling to view him positively now. There have been other issues in relation to our baby and money. I personally put away money for our baby but it is my money and money from relatives. I'm fortunate I can afford it whereas the older DC mum can't for them (I am told).

As for paying for our DC he did some big purchases (as did i and my family did) but I buy all nappies, clothes, wipes, formula etc. I just tend to be the one buying it and he doesn't offer money and I don't ask for it. I can afford these things.

Our house is low-mid range price wise for our area. Nothing fancy. Small 3 bed detached but in a less than desirable area.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 10/02/2020 08:06

I think he's being extremely unfair. He has 3 kids, not 2. What he leaves should be split 3 ways between his three kids - he chose to have 3 - he can't just palm his 3rd child's inheritance off on you!!!!
I would be seriously considering my future with this man. Also he (& you) not right in saying you should have done wills separately. Do wills separately by all means, for clarity, but not for secrecy so at least then you 'wouldn't have known'! You many not be married but you share a child together so imo he gave up his financial autonomy when he had a child with you but it seems he doesn't see it this way!
Also - you should not be covering the expenses for your joint child. Why are you doing this? So he can give more to his other two? Totally wrong of him

Narcheska · 10/02/2020 08:08

Ah that's pretty rubbish OP I'm sorry. Could you do joint finances instead so that sort of thing is paid from the family pot instead?

Honestly if he's like this now I don't see he'll be much better as they're older. The imbalance will always be there

ColumbaPalumbus · 10/02/2020 08:11

I'd leave it for now. Just tell him when the kids are a bit older he can explain to your child why he/she has been given less by him. You can't force him to change but Lino way I'd be paying for all the nappies etc. That needs to change. Then put the money away for your DC.

Greendayz · 10/02/2020 08:15

How much does he really have though apart from the house? I'd have thought that if you still have a mortgage then you'd want to plough most savings into that and not have a huge amount of spare cash (especially once funeral costs are taken off) I agree what he's done isnt fair, but it may not make a lot of difference in practice.

If he won't change it, I'd leave it for now but approach the issue again in a few years (especially if he does inherent money himself) when maybe he'll rethink. I wonder if he feels a little bit guilty about having a second family and doesn't feel his older kids should lose out by this decision? That feeling may deminish in time if he starts to see his three children as three siblings.

Original poster

ThankfullyAlive · 10/02/2020 08:20

I have left the subject now. I've told him my thoughts, he doesn't like the fact I think he is "short-changing" our DC and he thinks I was having a go at him. I wasn't, I just wondered if he fully understood the implications. I think he feels our DC will have more financially then his older two because I earn more and he now earns more than when they were little. I don't know. I just feel sad for our baby even though I know/hope this will only be an issue in the very distant future.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThankfullyAlive · 10/02/2020 08:25

We haven't had the house long and I'm on maternity leave so no extra money to pay on the house yet just in case we need it. Plus the house needs a lot of work so we both have separate rainy day funds.

OP posts:

user18463585026 · 10/02/2020 08:33

It doesn't matter who will inherit what from anyone else, it's how his three children will feel when one is favoured over the others.

His willingness to do such a hurtful thing to his child - and then act like he's the victim for being challenged in it - would change how I saw him.

But then you seem to have gradually been acclimatised to him financially cutting off his child with you.

PorpentinaScamander · 10/02/2020 08:38

I wonder if his thinking is that your joint DC will eventually own your half of if the house plus 1 third of his half. Whereas his DC will 'only' own 1 third of his half each? So he's trying to balance it somehow?

Original poster

ThankfullyAlive · 10/02/2020 08:44

It's possible about the house split, but their mother owns property too so they will own, presumably, a half share each of hers. Then add the GPs with into the mix and the difference is substantially in favour of the older two. I suppose for now it is a non issue. And it isn't even about the actual money involved per se, its the fact our DC is treated differently.

OP posts:

SoVeryLost · 10/02/2020 10:20

Hmm. Not knowing the exact details, I don’t disagree with your DH. This is assuming he knows that his first two are unlikely to inherit from their mother, so he wants all three to be in a similar position. He’s not disinheriting his child with you at all.

Magda72 · 10/02/2020 10:46

Deciding to leave inheritance to children is, imo, not about amounts - it's about treating your children equally.
When my dm died her estate was split equally between myself & my 4 other siblings. It didn't matter to my dm who was earning what or who didn't or didn't have dependents - what mattered to her was that she treated all her children equally.
Did any of us feel shortchanged? No. Because our dm spent her whole life never financially discriminating between any of us no matter what our individual circumstances.
Your dp is already creating a divide between his children in doing what he's doing. It doesn't matter what any of them may or may not get from their other parents or relatives; that has no bearing on their father treating them differently.
In my opinion the only time children should be favoured is if there's a disability/medical issue that may need extra financing in adult life.
Otherwise it's pretty despicable behaviour.

user1486915549 · 10/02/2020 10:50

I think the fact that the older two’s mother owns property which they will also inherit makes this extremely unbalanced and unfair.
What does your DH say when you point this out to him ?

sassbott · 10/02/2020 11:51

He is short changing his child with you and he is complete denial about it. It’s categorically unacceptable and I agree wholeheartedly with what @Magda72 says.

He has 3 children and should treat them equally. It blows my mind that so many men proceed to have more children and then somehow it falls to the new partner to ‘pony up’ because the existing children take priority. There is nothing you have added to this thread Op that makes him remotely redeemable in my eyes.

This isn’t about amounts or affording it. It’s about treating children equally. And if his EXW can not afford the same as you, why does the onus then fall to you to make up the shortfall because you earn more and/ or are financially stronger?

This is an awful thing to do, I cannot even comprehend how he thinks this is remotely acceptable. He’s disinheriting his baby!!!! How is that ok on any level?

20wedding19 · 10/02/2020 12:21

This is disgusting behaviour from your "partner"
Thank goodness I read mumsnet as my husband and I are only TTC right now and have already discussed this issue as he has one elder child
I dont mean to be rude or horrible but from the outside it doesnt seem much of a partnership anyway - okay so you are not married but you do have a child together so you should absolutely NOT be the one buying most things for your child.
Your "partner" is not being fair to you or your joint child op. I would seriously consider leaving my husband if he treated his existing child or any future children with ne like this or if he treated me in this way

20wedding19 · 10/02/2020 12:22

*me

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