Will split, another one!

[ThankfullyAlive]

DP and I own a house together. DP has two DC from a previous relationship and we have one DC together. The house is mortgaged and owned as tenants in common in equal shares. If either of us did in the lifetime of the mortgage we have insurance to pay it off. We are not married, do not intend to marry and so our finances are very much separate but we earn roughly the same amount. He will out earn me when I return to work PT but I can still afford to equally contribute to the house. Food may be the issue where I wouldn't necessarily be able to equally contribute, but I pay almost every cost for our DC. He pays for his other DC who don't live with us.

Now in our Wills we give the right to the other to occupy the house until certain criteria is met (e.g. marriage/death etc). Otherwise everything I have (minus a few specific gifts) goes to our DC. DP, however, has left his share of the house equally between his three DC but only his first and second born will get anything else of his e.g. cash, vehicles, investments etc. I just can't understand why he thinks this is fair. His argument is that our DC will inherit from me. But his older children have a mother too who no doubtly they'd inherit from. Granted I have a better paid job than her but I don't think that is relevant? Also DPs parents are well off. If they died and left their money to DP, our DC would stand to lose out on a lot if DP didn't change his Will. DP thinks we should have done our Wills separately and he is right. I just can't understand his logic. I'm sure I'm going to get ripped to shreds here but perhaps someone can give me a good insight as to his thought process and logic. It's really affected the way I see DP as I think he is being unfair, but perhaps I am.

I pay almost every cost for our DC. He pays for his other DC who don't live with us
He chooses not to contribute financially towards his 3rd child and is now choosing to disinherit this child too.

Seems like he views his assets as his alone and your money is there to be spent on providing a cushy life for him.

i'd be having a frank conversation about him budgeting for all three of his DC.
Does he actually view your DC as his child?
Cos it sounds like he views it as your DC and therefore he passive aggressively refuses to take financial responsibility.

If you split up, how would he feel about paying maintenance towards his child and would he then treat his youngest equally to his older two based on the financial circumstances of his DC4s mother?
He’s arbitrarily disinherited his baby and is failing to provide financially for them - he is scum.

Your husband should split his share equally between all.the children. His children from Hsi first marriage will also inherit from their mother's side so your DC should get a larger proportion.

I can afford these things.

It's not about you being able to afford them Op, it's about him having a responsibility to support his child. You'll be contributing equally to your bills despite going part time - is this a joint decision so you can care for your (ie his youngest) DC, or was it your choice? If joint, it just means that you'll have less money to save for your child (or yourself and your child should your relationship end) and he will have more due that can be saved for his eldest two children despite that fact he doesn't need to pay for childcare fees when you're on your NWD.

He's basically saying that he has his two children and you have yours, rather than he has three children, one of which is shared with you. It's going to cause a hell of a lot of issues when they're older if this is the way he views it. He's trying to 'protect' his eldest two at the expense of his youngest. It's awful behaviour, I'm sorry that it's happening.

I wouldn't say he is scum, that seems very harsh. He is splitting his share of the house between all three. It is other assets that our DC won't inherit as it stands now.

Our baby is only a couple months old so I have basically done the majority of the buying. I feel awkward asking for money.

I just have to hope in the future if the situation changes he reassesses this. I'm guessing it is derived from guilt. He has before said that if he and the ex were together the older DC would have had more than they have now (however, they don't particularly go without).

I think you should probably worry less about wills - which aren't likely to be needed for many years. Some people believe in treating children equally no matter what. Others think they should support their children based on need. Yours are so young you can't possibly know what the future holds so it's not possible to future proof a will.

But I do think you need to get your day to day finances sorted and fair. Having entirely separate finances doesn't really work when you have a joint child - as you're finding out. You need at least a joint housekeeping account that you use for household bills and your joint child's costs. You don't necessarily have to pay the same each into this - it depends who earns most, and whether your DP has money going out already on his other kids. But if you're both working then you should both be paying in something so that you both see the joint child as joint.

Op you really shouldn't feel awkward about asking your child's father to financially contribute! I don't mean to sound rude but that's crazy & it sounds like he's very controlling.

I would also be very alarmed at the "if we stayed together the kids would have more" comment. Wtf??? Kids don't need stuff - they need loving parents.
He's honestly sounding less & less of a prince.

He has before said that if he and the ex were together the older DC would have had more than they have now
How would he take it if you turned it around and said your baby would have more if his older two didn’t exist? It would be an awful thing to say but no more unpleasant than what he has insinuated about your baby.
Sorry if you think I’m harsh. I think your baby deserves so much better.

I just don't know what to think any more. I have lost a lot of respect for him since our baby's birth. This just feels so personal I don't know if it is against me perhaps. I appreciate it is a future issue but I don't get why you would spend money now with a view that you'd probably change it in the future.

We do share bills etc and have a separate account. The money for the baby will come out of there in the future.

My part time salary will give me enough to continue to save for our DC. I want to be able to send them on these ridiculously expensive school trips without having to save for them etc.

I’m usually for an equal split but it sounds like there are two families not one and he’s trying to even it up for the two first children as the younger one is getting much more as a child than they did.

@IceCreamandCandyfloss
That’s lovely - normally all for an equal split but when it’s a younger half sibling being treated as less than her elder siblings by their shared parent that’s fine?
He’s not treating his three children equally. He is literally the only person on the planet with any sort of obligation to all three and he’s choosing not to be even handed. Thats not “evening up”, it’s just shitty.

I agree it's shitty..also as your youngest is YOUNGEST if anything happened to DH there should be more from him for you as there are more years of care and heavier financial burden. Older children already had what the youngest didn't.
I think a will should take that into account and be changed to a more equal split when the youngest grows up.

I'm fortunate I can afford it whereas the older DC mum can't for them (I am told).

Told by who? By him? Is it because he views you as being better of financially and because of that thinks more about his older kids?
It's very unfortunate and I'm in a kind of a similar situation because I have some retirement saving from before I met my DP whereas he and his ex are immigrants from Cuba, so he does view me as better off and because of that, he still feels that he should be helping the ex 6 years after their separation while I didn't get any extra help while on the maternity leave. However, all the expenses related to our child come from the common account. I buy little things here and there with my personal money, but from time to time, I reimburse myself from the common account. And he never complained about that. It's his child too and he accepts it. So I suggest not to let him get used to being off the hook from contributing to your child's expenses. If you don't stand up for yourself, he won't do it either.

I just tend to be the one buying it and he doesn't offer money and I don't ask for it. I can afford these things.

I think this is a mistake, it makes him take you for granted and removes his sense of responsibility for your child. I buy some toys for our toddler (because he's not the buying type and feels that I'm filling up the house with toys), but for anything that is necessary, he has to contribute. And I don't care if he compains that he doesn't have money, if he has money to pay his ex for her 19 y.o. son from previous relationship, he should have money for our son. And the reason he pays for his exSS is because the ex makes him feel responsible. Do not let him off the hook!

I just don't know what to think any more. I have lost a lot of respect for him since our baby's birth.

I think you should tell him that and not just continue with the status quo hoping that one day he'll change his mind. If the situation is convenient for him and you don't talk to him, why would he change his mind? Finances is one of the big reasons couples fight, but discussions often help solve things. If you don't discuss, you'll grow more and more resentful.
When you confront your partner, his initial reaction could be negative, but he might change his mind eventually. My DP likes using the "you have more savings" card against me, but things have moved a bit in terms of his contribution.

DH has two children from previous marriage. One now lives with us. He and ex wife still own home together - he contributes to mortgage as still a child there. We own our home and contribute equally. I pay 50/50 for his daughter who lives with us, but that's entirely my choice.

Anything that comes from his first marriage goes to his existing children - home, investments etc. He invested in property during that time, and its ring fenced for the children. Those successes were made during their life together, and are nothing to do with me, or any child we go on to have. He and their mum worked hard for it and i don't think I would be fair for my child to benefit from her hard work.

If we go on to have a child (we'd like to) anything that comes from our time together that I've contributed to will go to them - our house, etc. I have left personal assets to my stepdaughters, but nothing that financially will change their life.

The way I see it, inheritance is a 'bonus', not a right. If DH, ex-w or I need long term care, none of them will get anything. As it stands, all children, (existing and planned) are well provided for in homes that fit their needs and I feel that we all work bloody hard to give them the best life we can.

If when we're gone they choose to bicker over who gets what rather than being grateful that they have had a good life, a mixed bag set parents that have all loved them and done all they can for them, and hopefully a boost to help their own families, I'd be bloody furious and haunt the lot of them!

I'm told by him about the ex's financial situation but I'm also witness to the requests for money for the older DC. Also she works part time in a notoriously badly paid job.

I'm sure if I asked for the money he'd give it to me, I'm just not that way inclined. For big purchases I would ask for a contribution though but big purchases are currently all done. I did get a bit annoyed at Christmas when he spent £££ on the older DC but nothing for our DC but I can kind of see the point we had spent a lot in preparing for their arrival and I only bought something small myself but then I do save money each month...

Op he spend NOTHING on his youngest child for Christmas and you "kind of see the point"? really???
I feel sorry for your youngest.

Op, nothing you have said sounds unreasonable. His decisions are really sad.

By funding everything for you baby on your own you are indirectly subsidising his older sons, which is fine if it was done openly following a discussion about joint finances, but it wasn’t.

You have every right to expect him to contribute and the will decision is definitely unfair.

This may sound strange but do you think he views your DC as ‘cost-free’ because s/he is so tiny and the older two have more evident financial needs?

Our baby had only just been born at Christmas and we had spent a lot on things for the baby and their bedroom. So I do understand and the present from me would be seen as joint anyway.

Older children have different financial needs. Ours needs clothes, nappies, food and toiletries. The older children have phones, clubs, expensive school trips, hobbies etc etc. Our child will have these things in the future too.

I have a half sister who is my dad's daughter, and a mum and stepdad who have no other children. My sister inherited a fairly decent amount from her mother a while ago, but I will inherit a huge amount more from my mum and stepdad. My dad has written his will so that my half sister inherits more of his share than I will, to even it out a bit. So whilst on the face of it it looks like he isn't treating his daughters equally, it works out fairer when you look at the whole inheritance picture.

@houseofrabbits I'm sorry but I don't get any of this unless your parents and their partners view themselves as one large parenting unit.
I would never expect my exh to give our children more because his other kids have inheritance from their dm's side or vice versa. A parent should treat all their kids equally - I just don't get this taking other inheritance stuff into account. What if (hypothetically) your dm & sf gambled away everything - would your df be prepared to even stuff up then?

@houseofrabbits I can understand the point but he will most likely inherit substantially from his parents more than what I'll inherit from my family. Ultimately I cannot force him to change his Will. I will ensure that our child is provided for financially and in all other aspects. That's my job as a mother.