Stepdaughter won’t do as I ask

[meme70]

My 13 year old stepdaughter lives with us she’s been in my life since she was 6 she used to be an angel child on the way she would do as she was asked .
Her mum has some drink and drug issues that’s why SD lives with us but BM is clean atm so SD sees her BM a couple nights a week

The last 10 months has been awful I have 3 daughters 2 live at home one is 24 with a family she’s lives in her own home
I’ve a 15 and a 20 year old who do stuff around the house but they could do more.

SD simply ignores everything I ask her to do now, I do all the washing cooking cleaning shopping gardening diy decorating - her dad isnt the most fairest person to do anything he does the bare minimum but he does wash up do abit washing put the rubbish out.

SD I asked her to hoover last week she said no she will do it tomorrow I said no I’d like it done today as it was needed and the next day she has a thing she goes to she still refused and her dad backed her up.
I have also asked her several times to wash up her lunch box and bottle daily as hygiene she won’t - I ask her to strip her bed off once a week to wash her bedding she still hasn’t and it’s been weeks on end -

I then looked at her text messages from her BM telling SD when she gets to BM house Friday last week SD has to clear and clean the kitchen up even though she’s not been there 5 days- when she got there BM and her husband were eating kfc for dinner and told SD to cook a lasagne and wash up BM mess of a few days before she makes it and SD said yes !!

I’ve done so much for SD more than her BM stepfather and dad so I’m so hurt.
I asked SD why she ignores what I ask her she said as Dad doesn’t disapline me when I don’t BUT she’s just repeated that as her dad said it to her last time

So I’m not sure what’s best to do ?

Should I leave her dad to cook and clean up after her and if she doesn’t do as he asks just keep out of it as I’ve had enough now and I just don’t like the way she ignores my easy simple requests of her my daughters don’t treat me like this none of them have.

Should I leave her dad to cook and clean up after her and if she doesn’t do as he asks just keep out of it as I’ve had enough now and I just don’t like the way she ignores my easy simple requests of her my daughters don’t treat me like this none of them have.

Yes I think this is the best option. He needs to step up or if not he can do the cleaning up after her. As long as you do it neither of them have any reason to change.

Keep out of it, if there's things she needs to do ask her dad to get her to do them or do them himself.
She does things for her mum because her mum has serious issues and she's scared of loosing her/making her angry.
She doesn't do stuff at yours partly because she's safe, partly because her dad doesn't make her.
Any changes need to come from Dad.

He seems to think I’m being unfair as he hates cooking and housework lol
I say she is his daughter I’ve looked after her aged 6-13 I think he should
He says yes if I have time 😂

He sara well I’m doing it for everyone else then why not SD too

It’s a never ending brick wall I keep banging my head against

What happens if you just don't do it OP? Does your husband think you're being unfair if he has to do those things for himself? Setting your SD aside, it sounds like there's a massive imbalance in your household.

YANBU OP. Apart from anything else, there are often threads on this board and others about the need to help teens learn housekeeping skills so they don’t fall over when they move out. Your DH needs to back you up because what you’re asking here to do is totally reasonable.

I wouldn’t start not cleaning up after your SD and expect your husband to because that will make her feel different. You have loved her since she was 6 and created a happy home Di llfor her. She feels safe with you and not with her BM.

Most 13 year olds are rubbish at doing what they are asked. Can you chat to her about what chores she wants to do? Maybe making her feel that she is part of the decision will help?

Your problem is your husband.

Yes, your problem is your husband.

Your poor SD has two crap birth parents.

I was going to say the same as a previous poster. She feels safe with you and so she feels she can test boundaries. She feels unsafe and not secure with her mum and so wont add any risk.

On a separate issue, why is your husband not doing anything. He is your problem. He has no excuse for being a wanker.

The poor girl is trying to please both her parents, she's doing what will keep her on side with each of them.

Your husband is an idiot and needs a serious talking to. Both parents are completely failing her, the only one you can do anything about is the prat you live with.

Right now you are the only person parenting this young teen, he needs to wake up and get on board. She's lucky to have you.

Thankyou for your replies.
I don’t feel it’s fair I carry on doing everything for her now as she’s also rude to me, she has shouted at me when I found her lying and she lies to me and her dad a lot.

It’s not all about SD I am a person too who has feelings I’m not just here to do everything for everyone am I ?

If she can do things at her BM she can here and I feel the only way to change DH attitude is to step back and leave him to parent his daughter.

Yes if SD won’t do what’s she’s asked DH won’t do it so it’s left to me.

I agree he needs to seriously change but all he says is I can’t cook I don’t see what needs doing around the house so I tell him but he still won’t bother

Yes a lot of his behaviour is my fault I grew up in chronic domestic violence my dad beat my mum badly often police at our house all the time that when I stand up for myself he will get annoyed and it makes me anxious - I have told him that is bullying.

I know he needs to see how he is, is wrong and I’ve even suggested living seperately but my savings are tied up in a house build with him and I can’t afford to live alone atm.

All in all yes SD parents are naff but that doesn’t mean I have to be her emotional punchbag I’ve done that for 7 years I’m the only one that’s been there for her and this is why I’m hurt she simply disrespects next the most.

For my own sanity I need to be strong and step back so her parents can be her parents as if we split up she will only have this
Also she has a stepfather who does nothing for her he brought himself and BM a family kfc and sat and ate it infront of SD and didn’t even blink I’d never do that I’d rather go hungry than leave the children without but no one ever expects him to go above and beyond just me and tbh it’s made me feel really down at times.

negomi90 & HeckyPeck

I agree your 100% right so when she’s back tomorrow I will be sitting them down and explaining as she’s admitted she won’t do as I ask I will no longer be doing everything for her. Thankyou

aSofaNearYou Spot on no he won’t do it and yes I do 99% everything :(

MeridianB Yes even his mother told him he needs to support me - he still just doesn’t get it he’ll defend SD to the end and I’m sick of that.

Bringonspring No I disagree children need to be taught respect she has none for me and I’m the only person doing anything for her so she’s admitted she’s ignoring what I ask and it’s not even much so she’s disrespecting me and has no manners so I need to show her I’m not the person responsible for her she has parents alone and well and capable so they have to show her they can and will take care of her as if I carry on doing everything for a rude teenager she will always carry on disrespecting me. She needs to learn not to WB like her mum and dad but atm she is very much the same as them and I’ve talked to her about it all and said surely she should rallies she should do as I ask but still she ignores me.

Scarydinosaurs & PrinkingPreening yes I totally agree but I’m also to blame for allowing him to take advantage of my good nature so now I have to change as he won’t.

Lowprofilename No he won’t do anything she refuses to do hence disrespectful of me they both are.

CalleighDoodle She may feel safe but I feel incredibly disrespected and unhappy that she comes her as lays on her bed on her phone and thinks it’s okay when she’s at BM she doesn’t do that she wishes cooks cleans helps .... that is not right she’s 14 this year she knows that’s wrong she’s admitted she does it as dad doesn’t discipline me.

lunar1 Your right I totally agree but I also feel that she will be a main reason we will split up as no one in their right mind would allow a person to disrespect them - yes she’s probably scared of her parents so she will do as they ask but she’s not 5 she would know that anyone eventually will stop doing things for someone if they are pushed too far.

My husband is lazy he admits it so he need to change and I have to change by stepping back - I have no guilt I’ve cared for this girl from ages 6-13 biting all her clothes from my money for 5 years caring for her 24/7 multiple times when her mum wasn’t allowed to see her whilst her father sat on the computer working - yes I work too but also have to do everything. I have also had late pregnancy loss to sepsis in this time and lost my 22 year old son in law daddy to my grandchildren to suicide 18 months ago but I still had to carry on and do it all.
Last year I was working in kitchens I’d have to cook dish up the dinners name them for a 41 year old man a 13 year old child and a 19&14 year old that’s how badly they all treat me - I’m soft I suffer anxiety from childhood and everyone knows I’m a doormat but now I’ve had enough as I have to put me first for a change - she is not my responsibility if we split I’d be out her life so DH and SD need to be taught I will no longer accept this. My daughters changed they do more now so why become her parents are rubbish do I have to feel I have to make up for them ? I don’t I’ve been doing that a very long time.

It sounds like you expect more from her than from your husband...

In very typical MN fashion, you don’t have a SD problem, you have a DH problem

Settlersofcatan

It sounds like you expect more from her than from your husband...

Absolutely not I haven’t mentioned what I feel he should do

Why is it expect ? It’s not my mess my dinner any washing why do you sai I expect ? Why is it given the women has to do it all and you think I expect ?
So what if I stop doing everything like he does then who does it all who’s job is it to do everything ?

No I expect SD to respect me as much as she does her parents you really don’t get it

Me I only me has been doing everything for SD for years and she has told me she won’t do as I ask as her dad doesn’t make her
She’s 14 soon that isn’t a child

I expect a family to work as a team everyone do they’re fair share that’s what I expect as it’s not my responsibility to do everything or anything for DH or SD

Thedeadwood Yes but I also have a SD problem as she’s admitted she won’t do as I ask so she’s watching her parents disrespect the one person who’s steppe in and stepped up and looked after their daughter

You sound clear in your mind about how you want to proceed. It sounds like your marriage isn’t serving you well and the difficulty when you see the light about a dynamic being unhealthy and things only ticking over when you constantly put yourself last is you can’t unsee it and then the resentment builds until it seems untenable.

You’re married so if you got divorced the house would be sold and you’d hopefully get your money back. Do you want to split up and live with just your own daughters? That’s understandable and may be the only answer to where you find yourself now. Your husband sounds useless to be honest. Admitting he’s lazy and not planning to change because he thinks he’s better than you and deserves as servant instead of a wife and partner is gross and so totally unattractive. He’s adding nothing to your life that is positive or makes you happy. Do you want to leave him? What would you need to sort to make that happen?

You only have a step daughter problem BECAUSE you have a husband problem.

So the focus of your OP is your step daughter, when if you addressed the issue with your husband you’d find the step daughter problem resolved.

Sort your priorities out.

AnneLovesGilbert

No the house isn’t built we have untold problems so the money is in the land and is not why that back and that was a lot of money.
I have a health condition so going out to work is difficult so I work from home and atm it’s not finically going to work alone.

I don’t want to split up but I also am so exhusted with putting myself last.

DH waits for me to do his lunch every single day - if I want a night off cooking dinner I have to buy a takeaway
I do everything in the house and garden I never had that with my ex husband he’s so his share but he’s an alcholic so that’s why that never worked out but I know men are as able and willing to do 1/2

Tbh if things stay the same it will naturally end I can’t deal with a man allowing his teenager to be rude to em and admit she won’t do as I ask

I have a new job soon it is outside the house as well as in the house if my health allows but I also see me do a 40 hour working week as well as an hours travelling a day and still ah wto do everything here.

DH admitted if he was living alone he’d rather his daughter lived at her BM as he’s a rubbish parent and hasn’t time for her so that infact makes it worse as he’s admitting I’m left to do his parenting and if that’s the case why does he treat me like that?

He does a stag ya how he grew up
3 brothers and a lazy father himself and they all did nothing his mother did it all so he feels that’s what women do but his mother never worked and never brought up a stepchild.

My DH was kicked out the house several times by his ex. Wife and ex fiancé so we see he hasn’t learnt.

Scarydinosaurs
My priority is my own mental health and I payed here for some idea to get DH to make SD respect me.

My priority is my daughters and myself - SD has parents and she should be their priority .

Why do people on here tend to be nasty to people asking for help - your talking to me like I’m the bad guy I’m the one who’s neglected my child when infact I’m a bloody good mum and put SD first before myself multiple times.

You say she slow she is as DH but she’s not kir it toward her BM and DH so if DH was a problem surely she’d not do as they say either.
I think you saying sort out my priorities doesn’t make sense ? As you seem angry toward me what do you think my priority Shiism be SD ? Why ?

Sorry auto correct has made some errors to my replies I can edit them

Congratulations on your new job, I hope your health makes it possible and that it all goes well.

If you think it’s going to end anyway, and from what you describe I agree, I’d put a time frame on it in your head and work towards being able to split up. I suspect life will feel a million times better away from the two of them, even if you’re skint and living in a tin shack. Hopefully you won’t have to but you can’t put a price in peace and harmony in your home and you’ll get neither as things stand.

As you know, neither of them will change as they have no reason to. He can and should make his own bloody lunches and fuck getting a takeaway. If you don’t want to cook, make yourself beans on toast, or just toast! It’s not your job to feed a grown man and a lazy teen. You can stop. You’ll feel better if you do! It’ll take a mental shift but you’re already getting there - do nothing unless it benefits you or your children. Wash your own clothes, change your own linen, shop for and make your own meals. What does it matter if your SD has gritty linen if she can’t be arsed to at least help change it? Ideally, you and your husband would be working together to teach her life skills that’ll help her thrive in the world. But he doesn’t do anything for himself so you can’t blame her for following his lead when he’s such a pathetic role model.

I can’t see things improving unless you leave him. But if that’s not an option for now then make life easier for yourself day to day and do us on yourself, jobs that needing doing for you, you need to shrug off requests or demands from other people which assume you’re a servant instead of an equal member of the household.

Congratulations on your new job!
Is there somewhere you could live ideally to cut down your commute? When could you move to that area and not impact your children?
I would also try to fit in seeing/talking to a solicitor.
How bad are your health problems? If you were on your own could you claim any benefits - to help keep you in work.

I do feel sorry for your SD - she has two crap parents. And she is just hitting out at you as the only "stable" person in her life. But that is not a reason for you not to get out.

You most definitely have a husband who is shit and needs to go.

But your sd is being emotionally abused as well as this. Her mother and stepfather are neglectful and cruel.