Different parenting styles, so do I change before we move in?

[HyperStella]

We have been together 3 years, live separately and have 2 kids each (mine are 9 and 11, his 10 and 16 and live with him)

We obviously have different styles of parenting and to an extent, ways of life.
For example, his family are early birds and we're night owls. So he prefers to have a relaxed 90 mins before school, whereas we'll stay in bed til the last minute then dash out the door.
His kids will entertain themselves quietly in their rooms with arts and crafts, whereas mine are into gaming and have a lot of screen time.
He prefers his kids in branded clothing, I'm happy with Primark.
He tends to stay at home with the kids, I do more 'out and about' trips with my friends.
He cooks, I reheat orange stuff out the freezer.

My feeling is that we're just different and that's OK. His feeling is that we need to align our lives before considering moving in - his logic being that as we would be moving into his house (it's big) he doesn't want to be the bad guy who makes my kids go to bed early/get up early/restricts their screen time. What do you think, should I try to slowly change our ways so that we are compatible enough in a year or two to move in?

As a side note, the screen time really bothers him as he says he has trouble bonding with my kids. I do acknowledge this and am trying to reduce their time/encourage other activities. However, I feel he should take some of the responsibility as well because if you want to bond with a child then surely you get stuck in and do what's important to them?

I’d stay living separately.

Imo bring up your dc as you see fit. Why should it be you changing your ways? Red flag if he is suggesting it..

Yikes. He thinks you guys should change to fit in, as it's his regime home??

I'd rethink the moving in thing.

Umm no raise your kids your way

Why are you thinking of living with him? I think it would be disastrous for your children who would feel forever berated and judged. You too, would feel constantly under pressure to perform to his high(er) standards.

I think he is unlikely to be able to lower his standards to yours.

I think it's a massive big red flag that he has trouble bonding with your kids. After 3 years he should be very fond of them.

You have to remember this is your children's home and their needs come first. I can't think that this would be a good move for them.

Is he planning on changing at all, or is he expecting you and your children to make all the compromises?

I'll probably be the lone voice in support of your dp here op, but I think he's actually being very wise & considerate in bringing this up now.
And I don't believe he asked you to change - I think the word you used was aligne - which implies effort from both sides.
All that being said in my experience moving in together won't work. Even if you &/or he strive to aligne your parenting the chances are the kids won't as the differences between them are just too big. You're both heading into pre teen & teen years & trust me - teens are more resistant to change or compromise than smaller kids!
His kids will hate their peace & quiet being invaded & yours will hate having to tip toe around. It could be done but I think it would take a gargantuan effort on both your parts & your entire relationship would revolve around blending the kids. I also think it could only be done if you both sold up & started afresh in a new family home. Don't underestimate the psychological impact of your family moving into, or, having another family moving into your home.
I've been there (my kids are resident & his were eow) & it was torturous. Mine were the non gamers & his were the tv/gamers & it was my house. My kids were put out of their routine & living spaces in their own home to accommodate his, & his didn't like my cooking/discipline/irritation at the tv being on constantly.
No one's right or wrong in these scenarios but when the differences are that big it really is best to stay living apart.
You have my sympathy though - it's not easy & it does feel like your happiness gets sacrificed to keep the kids happy, but I guarantee there's nothing worse for a relationship that a house full of disgruntled kids/teens.

Definitely stay living apart. If it starts with him already having some issues with your parenting now it can only get worse when you move in together. Worse still that the plan is to move to his house. A d'essayer waiting to happen.

The differences seem too vast, to me. I don't see how either of you could change that much, and both sets of kids would resent you.

Having said that, I'd work on your kids' screen time. I don't think your DP can be blamed for not bonding with your kids if they never look up from their games.

I think it's fine to be different. It's less fine to impose someone else's way of parenting on your children.

I wouldn't move in together. It doesn't sound like your kids have anything in common with his and moving two children on the cusp of adolescence is going to be tricky at the best of times without them feeling that their hobbies and interests are wrong.

What “aligning” are he and his children going to be doing? Perhaps he could gradually wean them off the craft activities, buy them some cheap clothes and feed them crap every other evening 😀

You’re stereotypes from two ends of the U.K. cultural spectrum. I bet his family have holidays where they go hiking in the rain and visit educational attractions and you prefer all-inclusive resorts and theme parks 😉

His feeling is that we need to align our lives before considering moving in

If you're not very very careful it'll be you doing all the 'aligning' to fit his preferences OP especially as it's his house you're moving into. Which bits of his style of parenting has he offered to change?

What are the benefits for the children in this situation?

Wow. This is eye opening, thank you.

@ThatThereWoman, I'm thinking of living with him as I barely get to see him so I miss him as a person. Also for the companionship, the financial savings and the freedom to leave the house of an evening.

A part of me feels that life might be better if I changed to his 'high(er) standards' as you put it. He genuinely feels as an outsider that if I changed a few things then I would be a less stressed parent with more free time. I mean to say that he is coming from a good place, and I am open to constructive criticism

Just regarding the bonding... he's only known them for 2 of the 3 years, and only started seeing them regularly the last 1 year.

@lunar1 interesting question. I guess I would not expect him to change his ways, no. I would like to take his youngest out more but that's about it. I do have opinions on certain aspects of his parenting but I am careful not to give unasked for advice.

@HeddaGarbled "You’re stereotypes from two ends of the U.K. cultural spectrum" - We're actually really not, if anything I'm more 'middle class' although I see how it looks that way.

@Dontdisturbmenow what's a d'essayer please?

@saraclara yes I agree, my kids can come across as rude when they would prefer ipad time to human interaction and can see how DP feels rejected. I take responsibility for this and am trying to change it (although not finding it easy)

@OverthinkingThis he hasn't offered to change anything.

@TeachesOfPeaches good question. The main benefits for the kids would be living in an amazing house (they wanted to move in after their first visit!) and they would be in catchment for a great school.

@Magda72 thank you so much for sharing your insight and experience. Yes I do feel like my happiness is being sacrificed. I was the last priority in my marriage and am again in this new happy relationship. If we don't do it in the next few years though, do we wait for the youngest to go off to Uni? So another decade?!

I think he's being reasonable saying that you need to align more. Otherwise the kids will be pissed off that their stepsiblings are getting a better deal whether that's brands or unlimited screens.

I'm not saying that your way is bad and his is good though.

Have you considered how it would work in practice? For example are the kids going to have different meals, your partner going to have to get used to his kids eating beige meals or are your kids going to have to start getting used to home cooked food?

Tricky one. When I separated from my ex my boys were in their very early teens and all I can say is that yes to some extent you do sacrifice your happiness for them. I met someone with a pre teen and I would not have contemplated moving in together and blending families. My 2 had been through enough and we were content as a threesome and I would not have taken the risk. Basically whether a man had children or not I would not have been prepared to bring another man in to their life and disrupt everything.

If you go into this believing you have to change, resentment will set in very quickly. I'm really worried for you @HyperStella. I've tried living with someone who thought they knew better than me about raising kids. It didn't work out but ultimately my kids have done far better in life than his did.

Can you do an exercise where you each talk about what an ideal weekend/weekday would look like so you can work from there and learn each other’s expectations?

Eg for you I would like a Saturday where we have a slow start to the day and relax watching tv in the morning then go out in the afternoon. . .

You all need to adapt to each other or you will just feel resentment at being moulded into his life.

I agree with your DP that you both need to be on the same page with parenting before you try and bring a group of dc together.
Thinking through house rules around screen time, expectations around family meals, dc's chores, how the weekends are spent, clothing and pocket money allowance.
You are both going to have to do quite a lot of compromising before this is going to work.

Normally I would say that it's best to align things before moving in. But that really involves everyone compromising and moving to common ground.

Not one parent and children being seen as superior to the other. You parent differently, why should your children be made to feel the way you are raising them is second best.

Better to enjoy the time you spend together and look forward to it living apart, than making you all miserable and your children resentful.

You are in exactly the same situation I was in a few months back. My parner and I have been together 5 yrs and we contemplating moving together. I have a 10 yr old and he has 9 yr old who lives with him. We try to hash out our different parenting approaches, what we would do, how we would be. In the end I decided I couldnt do it as my Son was totally against the idea and talked about moving in with his Dad. Tbh it was the right choice as the kids didnt get along and with 1 being so against the idea would have been really hard.
Its a shame as we barely see each other and lead very separate lives but its all we can do for now.
How do the children get along and what are their views on moving in?

What compromises and changes are his kids making? Or are your kids supposed to be grateful they live in the swanky house? Believe me, that's going to get old really quickly

I'm sorry but I don't think you should move in together. Could you afford to live closer to each other but still in separate houses?

I think you need to wait until the 16yo has moved out and the 9-11 year olds are all 16+ by which point they will be doing more of their own thing and it might (hopefully) be easier to come up with some shared ground rules so you can all live together reasonably harmoniously.

Until then, don't do it!

@HyperStella - do you both have your kids ft or do you get some weekends alone together?

I'm another who thinks he is being really sensible in thinking about how your very different parenting styles would impact if you shared a home.
My concern though, is why you think it is all about you changing, to 'fit' what suits him.

this is about compromise - about working out which things are really important to you, to him, to each of your dc, and which things are things that (either family) have slipped in to and actually agree might be better if you change a bit. There will also be some things that can all go on in the same house.
For example, dh and I get up / go to bed at different times - it is fine. We have one dc who gets up early and one that would sleep until mid afternoon if she doesn't have to be anywhere - it's not something I feel everyone in the same house needs to do the same.
Some other things might be harder to live with than others - but this is for the 6 of you to work out not one to 'change' to be more lie the other.