Different parenting styles, so do I change before we move in?

[HyperStella]

We have been together 3 years, live separately and have 2 kids each (mine are 9 and 11, his 10 and 16 and live with him)

We obviously have different styles of parenting and to an extent, ways of life.
For example, his family are early birds and we're night owls. So he prefers to have a relaxed 90 mins before school, whereas we'll stay in bed til the last minute then dash out the door.
His kids will entertain themselves quietly in their rooms with arts and crafts, whereas mine are into gaming and have a lot of screen time.
He prefers his kids in branded clothing, I'm happy with Primark.
He tends to stay at home with the kids, I do more 'out and about' trips with my friends.
He cooks, I reheat orange stuff out the freezer.

My feeling is that we're just different and that's OK. His feeling is that we need to align our lives before considering moving in - his logic being that as we would be moving into his house (it's big) he doesn't want to be the bad guy who makes my kids go to bed early/get up early/restricts their screen time. What do you think, should I try to slowly change our ways so that we are compatible enough in a year or two to move in?

As a side note, the screen time really bothers him as he says he has trouble bonding with my kids. I do acknowledge this and am trying to reduce their time/encourage other activities. However, I feel he should take some of the responsibility as well because if you want to bond with a child then surely you get stuck in and do what's important to them?

Very good points @BackforGood.
Op - speaking as a parent whose kids game but have limited screen time the reason I found exdp's kids' screen habits so intrusive is that they took over the whole house. I don't believe in screens in bedrooms & funnily neither did ex dp. So, when his kids were with us one would take over the living room with the Xbox & would only play the games he wanted to play, another would have the tv on in the kitchen all day watching sport & the third guy would be on YouTube/Netflix on the computer in the study. My kids would literally end up reading in their bedrooms or spending all weekend at friends - there was nowhere for them to go without a screen being on. Exdp did try battle this but they were 12, 15 & 18 & were very ungracious about compromise because this is what they did at their dm's.
It did genuinely feel like the house was being held to ransom by screen time.
I'm not dissing gaming (my kids do game) but I do think it's a hobby that can easily get out of hand but from a noise & a time pov. Reading, crafts are silent hobbies if you get my drift - they don't really impact on the entire household, but gaming/sport watching do & I think that's why a lot of parents who restrict screen time are very wary of unrestricted screen time coming into their homes as it does tend to dominate.
I'm only offering this by way of a certain pov on this one specific issue.

Have you spoken to your kids about getting up earlier for school and limited screen time etc? How do they feel? It may not be a massive issue for them and they may feel it's worth the trade off. Likewise how do you feel? Do you get up later etc/ have screen time because you think it's important for them/ you to learn electronic skills/ have more sleep or is it just that is the way things work out? If he's not compromising and you or the kids have strong feelings about doing it your way maybe a new start in a shared house with new shared family rules and routines would work better. If the kids are ok with it and you think you would prefer to be a bit more organised in the mornings and they would benefit from less screen time more craft time then go for it.

Agree with BackforGood but that's because I see some of what you call his higher standards as bullshit.

For example until I was in my late 20s I lived in houses with far more people than bathrooms. It made absolutely no sense for everyone in the household to get up early as you would just be hanging around waiting to use the bathroom. As a primary school kid it did mean I didn't speak to/interact my older siblings (full/half/step) until I came back from school but it meant they could get out of the door to school/college/work on time with no difficulties.

The main thing that is important is are you on the same page in regards to discipline, chores and pocket money particularly for the 3 younger children who are close in age.

Am I the only one who noticed his kids have 90 mins BEFORE school to relax???
Why???

@JKScot4 - nope, hence my post about bathrooms.

My teen dd is ready for school 45 minutes before she has to leave. She goes on her phone and chills. I think she goes to bed before her friends so there might be chats too check etc

Could work if you both wanted to. Sounds like there positives you both good take from each other. His kids could get about a bit more and maybe enjoy the odd lie in, your kids could have a healthier diet and spend less time on screens. You both have to be grown ups about it though.

Thanks for all your responses. I really appreciate these differing view points. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels 90 minutes before school is excessive!

@doritosdip I was exaggerating the food issue a little for effect. We have all been on a short holiday and managed to eat together for 4 days. I think food is probably the least worrisome issue as we can meat (arf) in the middle to an extent by alternating cooking. His eldest cooks too and is infact very good at meal planning

@MrsGolightyly. Resentment killed my marriage so I am very aware of it not happening again, hence my caution.

@Batqueen we do spend some weekend time all together when the only issue is DP disliking the screentime. It's the weekday grind that bothers me

@Felic23, the kids all get on amazingly well but don't see each other that often to be particularly close. His eldest wants more time to get to know my kids, and his youngest gets a little annoyed at the volume and energy of my youngest. I think a year or two and these issues will disappear. The biggest issue is my eldest does not want to move school, so if we're going to do it then surely it should happen sooner (year 8-9) rather than later so there is a chance to settle before GCSEs. I could commute him but it would mean nearly 2 hours driving a day.

@Clymene he's not proposing any changes or compromises from his kids as I don't have any real issues with them

@AnotherEmma living closer but in separate houses would still give us the school move issue. Thanks for the advice re waiting for the 9-11 yos to get to 16+. I do understand what you are saying, but it just feels soooo far away, and surely once we get them to that age there will always be someone doing exams or some other reason to postpone

@Magda72 yes we do get adult weekends alone together, however these are rapidly decreasing due to the 16yo choosing to spend more weekends with DP. The screen time is more ipads/laptop than xbox, and he has a separate living room so although I can see where you're coming from, I don't think screen noise will impact the household, it's more that DH has never been a gamer so doesn't 'get' it.

@BackforGood absolutely I agree this is about compromise and not everything has to change 100%. I'm just not sure he is quite so flexible. He seems genuinely upset by my rushed/screeny mornings when he stays here and it makes him not want to come round.
(I have put this in bold as I feel this is the crux of the issue)

@Redwinestillfine yes i have spoken to my kids about getting up earlier etc and they are really against it. They would be though wouldn't they?... they don't know any different to their current regime and they don't know what's best for them. However yes, I do feel that they and I could benefit from less screen time and earlier bed/rising which is why I'm so torn on all of this.

@ColaFreezePop TBH chores/pocket money haven't really cropped up, and we're both pretty laid back about those. We are a little different re discipline though. Essentially I am an attachment parenting 'soft' type (as he sees it) whereas he is quick to shout (not saying that I don't shout!). I don't see this as too much of an issue as we're not poles apart, can be good cop/bad cop, plus a slightly stronger male figure may not be a bad thing for my kids in their teenage years

To me it sounds like you both have insight/maturity and are reflecting on all this before making the move, therefore you can make this work.

You can't put either of you in A bad cop position. There are going to be things all the children are unhappy with about this and if you go ahead you need to be your own children's bad cop if necessary.

A step parent can be the best human on earth and still be viewed as the bad cop without having done anything.

For example, if you move your eldest Child's school against his wishes and he doesn't settle quickly, the step dad will be blamed for being the reason he had to move. That's all before his screen time is taken away and he is rattled out of bed an hour earlier than necessary.

some of these differences are bigger than you think.

Why not just stay living apart? Forcing all these kids to live together and endure more upheaval isn’t fair, all to accommodate their parents sex lives, let’s face it.
Yes, of course you’re ‘bottom of the heap’, when someone chooses to have a kid, they absolutely should prioritise them, and 100% prioritise them over the parents sex lives. Making all the kids live together will not make anyone happy, what would possibly be good about it?!

So he and his family make no changes whatsoever, and you and your kids have to change your entire way of life, including stopping their hobbies and moving school when they don't want to?

I'm still not seeing that there's anything in it for them at all. I think they'll really resent you tbh.

This isn't alignment or compromise, it's conformity and compliance being asked of one side only.

Why do you have such a low opinion of your own parenting?

This "constructive criticism" he gives you on your lifestyle, is it asked for? Do you ask him to critique your parenting? I just wondered because you said you didn't give him " unasked for" opinions on his and apparently have no opinion on his (or at least haven't expressed any to him) yet you think it's fine to receive criticism. Like you think you're lesser and therefore it's the natural order of things that you would be critiqued? But have no right to reciprocate?

"Ooh this is a lovely big house with such a nice garden / gadgets / whatever wouldn't it be fun to live here" is a far cry from being contented to lose everything that makes their current home feel like home and feel safe and secure, while their oh-so-perfect counterparts are not required to change or adjust anything whatsoever and get to carry on as before. Never mind moving into an environment where they get shouted at.

Expecting your children to give up their home and way of life to live with a family who are not changing anything isn't just a personal judgement that you feel your parenting is lesser, but it's communicating to your children that they are lesser.

Only way this will work is as pp have said: a new joint family home with joint family rules that are a genuine compromise where everyone is respected.

You said about children not liking rules being decided because they don't know what's best for them but this proposal isn't about what's best for them. It will breed justifiable resentment.

The rushed mornings seem to be the issue. Is that what’s niggling, OP?

Ask him, if that’s the worst thing, can he actually live with it.

I am not sure I could turf my kids out of bed 90mins earlier to pacify my DP.

Also. Ignore posters referring to uprooting dc ‘for your sex life’. Last I heard, co-habiting was not known for spicing up one’s sex life.

I think it sounds like it might not work. I'd carry on dating and spending weekends and holidays together for a few more years before commuting to a move. Spend the whole of Easter with him and see how it goes.

Will the boys all get their own bedrooms?

His eldest wants more time to get to know my kids, and his youngest gets a little annoyed at the volume and energy of my youngest.

Your eldest and his youngest have lots of adjustments to make as now they won't be the eldest and youngest kids in this joint household.

You will have 3 kids who will all be going through puberty around the same time and it could turn very ugly if house rules aren't clear.

This is why I brought up discipline, chores and pocket money. All the kids need firm boundaries on what is expected to prevent serious disagreements.

Just the idea of this is making me tense! I can just 'feel' it all backfiring. How about you and your children go for 'sleepovers', maybe every other weekend, rather than committing to fuller moving in (at this stage at least)? You can get to spend more time together as a couple, and as it'd be the weekend he might feel more able to relax about screentime, later bedtimes etc. As it sounds like he enjoys cooking maybe that could be a way to bond with your kids? They'd probably enjoy helping him if it'd be a novelty for them.

I really wouldn't be in a rush to move in at this stage, just ease into it.

It sounds like madness to me to move in together at this point. Plus I’d have reservations about moving my kids in with someone who is “quick to shout” and finds your parenting soft.

It’s just not in your kids’ interests.

As an aside, surely even if the 16 year old is at their dad’s at a weekend you two can bugger off to your house? Or do fun dating stuff

So he and his family make no changes whatsoever, and you and your kids have to change your entire way of life, including stopping their hobbies and moving school when they don't want to?

I'm still not seeing that there's anything in it for them at all. I think they'll really resent you tbh.

I agree with this ^

Even though I agree with this too -

To me it sounds like you both have insight/maturity and are reflecting on all this before making the move, therefore you can make this work. -

It is really good that you are both reflecting on it, but it still seems you are expecting your dc to move house (not into a 'new for everyone house', but into 'his house').... to move schools.... to move right away from their friends / hobbies / area they know....... then to change their hobbies and habits..... to get up LONG before they need to, to sit around before school everyday (?? - I mean why ??)......
yet they have nothing to gain from this, except, you are already predicting they will be shouted at more readily and regularly.

It doesn't seem like the start of a happy new life to me.

I think he's right to bring this up. If him and his kids get up early and like a calm morning before heading off....you lot rushing around last minute will be very annoying and unsettling.

Your kids get to live in a bigger, nicer house if you move. His already have that... whats in it for them? His DC are the biggest losers in all this. They get 2 step siblings coming to live in their house, invading their space, up late, rushing around and always gaming. They'll end up very resentful about you and your kids being there.

It's wise to think about all the children...not just yours.

On the parenting styles... he seems more organised... and if I'm honest I prefer his style and I can tell you that some of the responses would be quite different, if he had your parenting style.

He would be called a lazy parent for letting his kids game so much, for feeding his kids frozen/unhealthy food and letting them stay up late, while dashing out of the house last minute in the morning.

But as you're a woman, the majority will make him out to be the bad one.

I hear ppl talk about how stressful they found their mum's dashing around last minute as kids and worrying they'd be late to go places. It can make kids develop anxiety.

Your hobbies..getting out of the house perfectly fine..it's fine that his DC like crafts too.

Thank you all so much for commenting on this. Just to be clear, I am not thinking of moving in now as I know we're not ready. I'm just wondering if I should start changing my habits slowly so that if/when we move in, we're on the same page.

I agree there seem to be minimal benefits in this for my kids. But does that mean I should never do it? When I was unhappy in my marriage the advice was always that my kids would be happy if I was. Does that no longer stand?

@lunar1 - good point about the step parent being automatically blamed for anything going wrong, thank you

@user142745271 I'm not sure why I have a low opinion of my own parenting. I guess there's guilt that I could do better, plus low self esteem from my marriage to my critical/patronising ex

I don't ask for criticism no, and that's not how it's meant... but he says he doesn't want to stay at my house due to the morning rush and how it makes him feel unsettled all morning when he's at work.

@LatentPhase, I don't think he could live with the rushed mornings no.

@AFirst - All children will have their own bedrooms yes

@MadamePewter, the 16yo hasn't been left alone overnight yet, and needs him for all the teenage ferrying around etc

@SandyY2K yes I agree, there's not a fat lot in it for his kids either, although his youngest is very sociable and I think may like the company of living with other children. His kids also like me tbh.

I am well aware that my parenting style seems (is?) lazy and crapper than his, hence why I'm susceptible to criticism and am considering whether I should change it. (Just to point out that I do some 'good' things that he doesn't, such as read to my kids every night.)

Parenting aside, I don't think one can just change from night owl to lark. Nor from an always rushing/late person to an early one? My rushing doesn't seem to be breeding anxiety in my kids although I take your point that it may have an affect on them... My parents were always (too) early, hence why I think I've gone the other way (we nearly went to the cremation of the lady before my grandma we were so bloody early!)

we nearly went to the cremation of the lady before my grandma we were so bloody early

Oh dear. Not funny but it made me laugh the way you said it.

I get you on that point...so it could end up being that your kids grow into adults who are super early ...going the opposite of you.

There's stuff my mum did and I'm the opposite with my DC because of that.

It's about finding a balance, which isn't always easy and we're all different.

Tricky one. I can see this from both sides especially as it's meant to be everyone's home. Starting to live with someone is tough! I started living with my partner a few years ago, it was just him, me and my cats. There were a few fireworks but we have worked out a compromise that (mainly!) works. In your situation l think EVERYONE needs to compromise as it's only fair. Being brutal but it's a good life skill for all of your children, ready for when they live with flat mates, friends, partners etc. No ones way is right or wrong. For the record l don't agree with his 90 minutes before school to relax or your children love of screen time

You can't put your happiness last forever, there is never a good time to move house. Children need to learn not everything revolves around them

Keep your own houses (and own parenting styles) and visit each other.