MIL Walking DH ExW down the aisle - this is weird right?

[OGV1966]

Just found out that not content with DH's DB's making the wedding cake and designing/printing the invites that exW is going to be walked down the aisle by my MIL. WTF? Her wedding dress is hanging in DH's Aunt's wardrobe, and all of his family are invited to the wedding. DH has one of his daughters living with us while the other lives with exW. My DSD thinks the whole thing is just crazy, that her uncles and Nan should not be involved in the wedding. DH has been divorced for 16 years. ExW never really had any partners until last year when she met someone and got engaged within 5 weeks. They will have been together about 13 months when they marry.

They spent Xmas with DH's family.

MIL has never been pleasant to me, and treats ExW like a daughter. Apparently it is her idea that she walks ExW down the aisle. DH is obviously feeling very hurt and let down by his family. As is DSD who is now saying she'd rather not go along. I think it's plain weird and my family agree. Part of me thinks it quite funny, but I can see that it is affecting my DH and DSD.

I've decided I'll not bother with my MIL again - she has made her bed as far as I'm concerned, not a great loss to me if I'm honest. I've always really tried and she has always pushed me away. This is the final straw for me, I don't see a way I could ever have a relationship with her, but I feel that my husband should as you only get one Mum.

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

That is SO weird. Does Ex W have a family of her own?

I would say it’s weird if there wasn’t a pre existing close and affectionate relationship between your mil and her ex dil... there is however no excuse for her to treat you badly.

It’s weird. Inviting MIL is one thing, the aisle thing is weird. Especially as even from your OP we know there are other options! The dds for instance.

Yes weird and hurtful but you will no doubt get a few exws on here say how great it is and that you and DH should suck it up

YABU. If they’re close they aren’t obliged to cut contact just because the relationship didn’t work out. A friend of mine was called to her exMILs deathbed when her exMIL proceeded to ask forgiveness for the way her son (exH) treated her. If I were to divorce my DH I could never imagine cutting contact with some of his family and would expect a level of involvement in any future wedding because we’re very close. This is obviously a very extreme level of closeness for ex in-laws but clearly your DHs exW is very close to them, by begrudge them that?

It is odd certainly

However by the sounds of it - the MiL and ex wife were and remain very very close. How long was your DH and her together?

Inconsiderate of her. However if you and her don’t get on, and she does hugely care for the ex - then, we’ll I suppose you just have to accept

You DSD - isn’t it her mother walking down the aisle? Ie the ex?

ExW has family but always falls out with them. Her parents are no longer alive - ExW own M died when she was a child. DH said that his M always got on well with ExW - she was even at the birth of both the DD's which is a whole another story - I think that is super weird, but guess we're all different. 16 years ago MIL said that she wanted to carry on seeing ExW because of the DD's. All these years on the whole relationship is a bit odd - they send M and D cards for birthdays etc. MIL has never sent DH and I a card that says Son and his Wife. She came to our wedding but now I look at the photos and can see that she was just going through the motions - looks thoroughly p*ed off in all the pics!

My DSD who lives with me feels that she and her S should accompany their Mum down the aisle. She also thinks it strange that her Mum has not just got them as her bridesmaids but has included the older D's friends and a neighbours grandchild.

I have an ExMIL who I am civil with and who my own M still sees very occasionally, and I still speak to my ExBIL and his family, but I'd never attend family events.

I did attend my Ex FIL's funeral as I drove my own DD's, but they sat with the family and I sat at the back. When my DH's F passed away ExW went in the funeral car on the insistence of the MIL. I drove myself as there wasn't room in the car for me. DH was fuming but bit his lip. His B's and their partners all travelled in the funeral cars. It wasn't the time for me to create a fuss and my DH travelled with me to the wake.

When we told mil I was pregnant (and dh had left the room) she told me ah well accidents happen and that his ex wanted his babies!!
Our relationship never recovered tbh.. Been nc for over 5 years. She chose not to see ds when he was born after the initial hospital visit - that we told her not to attend.
Dh went nc soon after.
Back away op. She sounds unhinged.

After your last post, it seems like your husband's ex wife sees her MIL as a mother figure, so weird as it seems to you, I don't really think you can criticise that.

The issue here is how your MIL treats you I think.

She calls her M and DH said she has done that since really early on in their relationship. MIL always wanted a D and then he brings home someone who doesn't have a M - perfect storm I guess. But no reason for MIL to be such a bitch to DH and I. I have welcomed her DGD into my home and helped her with life skills to become the hardworking young girl she is today. She asked to come to us because of her home situation and rarely goes back. But MIL really didn't want her to come. Think she knew some truths would come out, which they have. But they aren't why I posted, I just wanted to hear others' views.

Yes clearly they have a mother/daughter relationship which they are entitled to have if they wish however, MIL is being totally unreasonable in excluding you; she doesn't have to like you but she does have to at least try to treat you properly as her son's wife.

I call my inlaws mum and dad when i address them. My H does the same with my parents.

The Ex has obviously maintained an extremely close relationship with his family. Not only is she close to your MIL, but she's close to other family members too, hence the cake making and dress in Aunts house.

To have your MIL there (willingly) when you give birth, really means you must be really close to her.

Many MILS want to be there, but the DIL would never it. I wouldn't myself. Your MIL sees the Ex as her DD.

Even with the closeness, I still find it very weird that your MIL wouldn't consider your DHs feelings in doing this, but perhaps she thinks it's so long ago and he doesn't care.

How has your MIL been a bitch to you, besides being close to the Ex?

At Xmas MIL was very off with me, made no conversation just responded to questions I asked her. I only saw her twice last year, this year I'm aiming for only once, when someone goes out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable why would you wish to spend time with them? Think MIL has been a bank to ExW since DH's D passed away as DSD has told us some things. Everyone lives their lives how they chose and can be friends with whoever they want to be, but DH is very hurt by the actions of his M. They were only married for about 6 years, but lived with his parents part of the time. ExW used to have everyone running around after her by the sounds of things. When DH and her moved to their own home she didn't step up and the marriage fell apart. It is very sad, but my DH is happy now and we have been married for many years. Just think I don't need any of this negativity in my life, but have persevered for the sake of my DH and latterly for my DSD. Think it is the end of the relationship for me - this is a step too far because it has upset my DSD and my DH (yes, he's a big boy and should grow a pair I know, but he feel betrayed by all of his family which is horrible really).

Sandy Y2K - she has never ever been friendly, when her H was alive she was polite - since he passed she doesn't even bother with that. Any opportunity to cause upset and she does. She'll send me a birthday card, but never a present, but I have seen her giving birthday gifts to my BIL's partners, she buys others gifts, but not me. I think I would rather she had been upfront with me 16 years ago and then I needn't have put effort in. I don't want her gifts, but I think I deserve her respect because that is all I've ever shown her.

I think it's best to keep your distance from MIL as you said.

I think some family members find it difficult to accept a new spouse, after being very close to the Ex. They feel like they're betraying the Ex, if they get close to the new partner, so they keep a distance and don't develop a relationship to protect themselves.

I'm not as close to my DBs wife as I was to his Ex, but she is made welcome by all of us.

Well in her dotage it won't be you and dh getting the call to wipe her arse will it?

SandyY2K - DH and I have been together for nearly 17 years, his lovely D was very accepting and always lovely to me, but not his M. She still has one of his original wedding photos hanging up, but not one from our wedding. It used to have centre stage above the fireplace in her old house and I thought it had gone as wasn't up in the lounge at her new home, then one day I spied it through the bedroom door. I laughed to myself - of course she hadn't got rid of it lols. On the day they planned the funeral for DH lovely D she was adamant that ExW was to travel in the car and that I could make my own way there. DH has 2 gay brothers so my DH's 2 DDs are her only grandchildren. They were all going in the cars, but perhaps I could drive some of the neighbours. I dropped him at the house and then went straight to the crematorium, she wasn't organising who I did and didn't take. My DH was the last person to enter the crematorium as he followed his Dad's coffin in. As I'd waited outside with him till the last minute when I went into the room there was nowhere for me to sit on the family side - DH's Bs were with their partners and there was a space next to ExW for him. A family friend noticed what had happened and shifted along. My poor DH walked in unaware of this but had to search to see me as I wasn't with the family. That felt like a real slur and I think that although that is a few years ago I've never forgiven the family for being so mean and making me feel and look like a real outsider. My DH's best friend took me to one side and gave me a big hug after the service as he could see I was upset and it was certainly not the time to put that onto my DH.

I've learned that families are very strange. And I hope to God neither of my DD's experience such behaviour. Not sure they'd keep as quiet about it as I have!!!!!!

Whynosnowyet - it certainly will not!!!!!! But I think her final swipe at our relationship will be that she will leave DH's share of her money to the ExW. Last will that DH saw that wasn't the case, but his D was alive then. It will have been changed definitely as she has moved and obviously inherited his share. We call her Pauline Fowler because she is a bit of a battleaxe who likes to control everything. I have a feeling she'll save the best punch till last as I've really got the measure of her over the years - she is a queen bitch!!!!!

My FIL walked BILs EXW down the isle to husband number two. Bloody odd!

Your update makes her sound awful OP, what she did at the funeral shows complete lack of care about her son and his grief at the time. She seems obsessed with his ex and utterly heartless as a result, just leave her to it.

What does the other daughter think about this ?

ElevenSmiles - other daughter is older and has mental health issues, she doesn't have a job and is not very adult in her thinking. In her eyes her M and N can do no wrong. And she loves a drama - she knows that this situation will cause friction which she'll thoroughly enjoy. She has no loyalty to her D at all and she doesn't like me - probably heard me bad mouthed far too often and isn't adult enough to make her own decision. She has been involved in helping her M choose dresses etc while her S has really not been included in their shopping trips. Like her M and N she will gain some pleasure from causing hurt to my DH. I always think of the 3 of them as the 3 witches at the beginning of Macbeth lols

Well in her dotage it won't be you and dh getting the call to wipe her arse will it?

I’ve seen this play before - you’ll be expected to be at her beck and call, and it will never be enough. Ex DIL will be an angel for showing up twice a year to make sure she’s still in the will