Jealous of the ex

[Pearsandpearls]

I’m finding this One difficult.

Does anyone else feel jealous of the fact the your husband has already created another life with someone else, gone through pregnancy, birth, buying their first house, creating their own home.

We want to get pregnant but I’m struggling with this aspect and I am genuinely jealous of his past life. Or actually, rather jealous of his past experiences. Of me not being the first.

I’m also struggling with Ex’s relationship to his family. They stay I close contact, yet they are struggling to accept me. They at large blame me for their failure of mending their relationship. DH and I met only a couple of months after their separation. Any attempts or intentions she’s had to mend things were stopped in the tracks after I came into the picture.

As a result we are now in a parallel parenting situation. Relationships are very hostile and families are very much ‘siding’ with her.

Honestly ‘you know what you were getting into’ is not going to help. I had an idea of what I was going into, I don’t regret my decision but I’m struggling.

Any experience please share!!

I used to feel jealous of the ex because she was The Mother Of His Child and I was just his girlfriend (according to her, not DH)
But the facts of the matter are that DSD is the result of an unplanned pregnancy during a chaotic relationship of convenience when both were too young to be making babies. It’s not a situation anyone would choose, ideally, and so not much to be jealous of.
Current situation is that I am DHs wife, we built a home and family together as a team. I have no reason at all to feel jealous of his past, we have too much future to look forward to.
What are your hopes for the future with this man?

I think your feelings are totally natural and don't feel ashamed of them. Of course those of us who enter a step family situation know there are challenges ahead but it doesn't make the exact nature of those difficulties any easier. The saying of "you knew what you were getting into" only goes so far.

My DH and I have 5 children between us. He has two children who are now adults and mine are ore-teen / teen. Jealous isn't the word I would use but I get a little envious of the fact they brought up their two children together and jointly attended things like parents evening, activities, and worked together on exam revision help etc... although my DH is lovely with my kids he is the fun uncle type rather than a parent who is heavily invested in them. So while I happily do the parenting aspect myself I am envious of his past with ex dw - that togetherness in regards to parenting is not something we will experience together.

The one thing I would say about pregnancy and childbirth etc is that every single one is different. I had 3 kids with my ex DH and they were all unique. These sorts of things are rarely a case of been there / done that. Your experience with your DP will be unique in its own way and you will enjoy it!

Time does make all these things easier and you will become more accepted. The separation after all sounds like nothing to do with you. Just hang in there and keep an open dialogue with your DP without turning it into a problem for him. Just gently guide him in areas where you think he could make you feel more comfortable.

Good luck!!

I think when a newly separated person gets together with someone quickly after separating a lot of people assume an affair was involved which leads to hostilities.
I'm not saying that's the case in your scenario. If it is - own it & realise you may always be treated with hostility. If it's not, unfortunately it maybe what the exw chooses to tell herself. Separation is hard anyway & even if it's wanted by both parties the reality of one party moving on (especially quickly) can be quite tough to deal with & from what I can see some people never get over it.
You seem to be caught in the fallout of your dp's former relationship ending - he was ready to move on, she was hoping they'd work it out. His family were probably hoping for this too especially with kids involved.
I was left for the ow & exh's family all 'sided' with me (even though I didn't actively seek that). After a year or so of them contacting me & wanting me to visit with the kids etc. I pulled back in contact as I genuinely felt their contact with me was hampering their acceptance of exs now partner which was in turn affecting my kids' acceptance of the new set up at their dads.
I honestly feel that it situations like yours the new relationship will never be accepted by kids/family etc. unless the ex has the good grace to step aside (not disappear, just step aside).
As for your jealousy- I get it, but you just need to focus on the fact that he's with you now, if you can. If not, find a guy who's never done it before (& I mean that kindly) & start a fresh chapter of your life for yourself.

Completely agree with @HillAreas. I totally get how you feel but the truth is that my partner may have been married and had a child before, but was so disconnected and unhappy with the dynamic that he ended up leaving, and is now with me. There's nothing to be jealous of, it was a sad era of his life filled with regret. People may "side" with his ex but those people were too blind to see that.

Completely agree with @HillAreas. I totally get how you feel but the truth is that my partner may have been married and had a child before, but was so disconnected and unhappy with the dynamic that he ended up leaving, and is now with me. There's nothing to be jealous of, it was a sad era of his life filled with regret.

exactly this.

My DH was miserable with his ex and it lasted all of two minutes. We, on the other hand have built a happy home and work as a team.

Honestly the responses are so helpful. Sometimes all you need is some encouragement, confirmation and to know that you’re not alone and aren’t crazy for having these thoughts. Thank you.

I think in a way you need to strip it back to the bare bones... and ultimately their relationship “failed” and yours has not... unless you let it. So what is there to be jealous of?

Posted too soon...

I think in a way you need to strip it back to the bare bones... and ultimately their relationship “failed” and yours has not... unless you let it. So what is there to be jealous of?

The first few years of my relationship with my DH were overshadowed by his ex wife. We got together about 8 months after they split but she was convinced we had had an affair ( i didn’t meet him until after they had split up)
The relationships with his family were difficult at first as they were overshadowed by her... but ultimately time was a huge healer.
She realised I was sticking around, his family did the same and 10 years later we have two children together and quite a good relationship with his ex.

His relationship with his ex was toxic when they were together, yes they might have shared holidays and experiences but they can both say looking back now that neither were happy.

@HillAreas thank you for your post, it has helped me look at my partner and his ex in a completely different way 😊

Good grief! Anyone ever thought he/she was happy with ex and their relationship until they weren't 🤷‍♀️ its fine to say they made a mistake it was an accidental pregnancy etc etc but isnt it more adult to think once he was happy there now he is happy here

I'm a second wife he is moving on to his third he regularly told me he made a "mistake" with first wife I pointed out there is making a mistake and marrying your mistake they ask you before you get married if this is what you want (separately in private) so you can assume if it's a marriage then they would have done it because its what they wanted

You need to accept his past and move on from it his family will take time to get used to you

@slipperywhensparticus anyone ever thought that we're not just talking out of our arses or convincing ourselves it was a certain way, but actually speaking from our knowledge of our partner/husband and the circumstances of his relationship with his ex?

Many people marry foolishly or whilst already unhappy, and it only gets worse. Most of those relationships naturally break down, so it's hardly unlikely it wasn't a happy relationship that suddenly turned unhappy.

@Slipperywhenspartacus
Years ago, when relations were breaking down and she was stopping contact and it was all awful, I asked DH to try to remember that he once liked/loved this person enough to spend 5 years and have a child with them. I was trying to scrape him off the ceiling basically, he was beside himself with rage and fear that he would lose his child.
He told me exactly how they got together, why they moved in together (it wasn’t romance), what their relationship was like, when she got pregnant, the awful toxic rows they had where they screamed for hours and stuff was thrown and smashed and it was awful. He didn’t shy away from telling me his own part in all this, by the way, there was fault on both sides. It was a very unhappy relationship in which he stayed for his child until the rows got so bad that it wasn’t fair for her to be around it. (This is backed up by the FB stalking I did in the very early days of our relationship, while trying to understand what I’d got myself into - their rows and sniping were there for all to see)
I was shocked. I don’t recognise the person I married in the person he was describing.
So no, I won’t be virtuously telling myself how happy he must have been with her in order to be more “adult”

If it was that bad he is scum for leaving a child in that situation and I could never respect someone like that

She’s an excellent mother and the child is very well cared for by both parents. It was their relationship that was toxic. And now it’s friendly co - parenting and everyone rubs along nicely.

You pressed the nuclear button a little early there, dear.

@slipperywhensparticus

I’m sure your argument is true for many.

My DH was with his ex for all of 5 minutes, the majority of which were for the benefit of their child which happened straight away. He was very young and they weren’t suited.

There’s lots of reasons people separate, I’m sure the posters have a good understanding of their own partners reasoning.

a sad era of his life filled with regret

OMG - when there are children involved, I hope to God no one lets them know that. The now ex OW told my DCs - that their Dad regretted ever getting together with me and even more having children. After 17 yrs of marriage!

The now Ex OW is bitter and twisted, my EX wishes he had never done what he did and I am now very happy ( different happy) to before with a new relationship and my DCS the losers in all of this are old enough to understand some of the dynamics and think their father is an arsehole!! I would have been happy staying in the marriage we had - it was good most of the time - and EX now wishes he could have back what he casually threw away.

Would I ever tell my DCS I regretted my time with their father, no - too many laughs good times , bad times and shared memories. I regret being ill and not focussing enough on him at the time - which allowed him to feel neglected and forgotten but I can no longer do anything about that. Am I jealous of my current partners previous life - no way, I like the matured version, I think the younger version would ahve driven me insane!

@stuffedpeppers

.... ok? Every dynamic is different, my partner is not the same as you. He wasn't happy "most of the time" and doesn't wish he could go back. The circumstances are a long story but his personal opinion is that he was borderline groomed. Yes, it was a bad time in his life, for a variety of reasons, and though he loves his son, he definitely regrets having a child with the wrong person and subsequently having to cause that child the famous MN "trauma" of separating. Not to mention being tied forever to someone he hates and knowing that person will always have a huge impact on the way his child is raised. Of course he has regrets. They had a child to patch over the huge caverns in their relationship and add some love to it, and it didn't work in the slightest.

How he feels privately has nothing to do with what he tells his son. Obviously he isn't going to share those feelings with him.

aSofa - that you write the "famous MN trauma of separating" - shows how much you trivialise the impact separation has on children.

Your DP will transmit some of his hatred of the childs mother to the child, it is not humanly possible to not react. My DCs know if I say -" you will have a good time with Dad" - that is translation for you are pissed off and I try to stay as neutral as possible.

I agree many people do not want to go back but the absolute slating of a previous relationship by many separated people ( men and women) has little sense of reality. The OW has told so many people things about my marriage which have obviously been fed to her by my Ex and are so not true!!

I do not know your DPs history - nor wish to- but his feelings will come out in how he treats his child.

@stuffedpeppers I don't trivialise it- I think it's ridiculous that people on here put so much emphasis on how hard and life altering a separation is for the kids, yet are horrified if someone admits they may subsequently have a bit of regret.

In terms of projecting feelings onto the child, trust me my partner is the least of my step sons problems, there is parental alienation involved, not to mention relatives who threaten violence against my partner if his son ever mentions him.

But that's not really the point of the thread, he does his best for his son. Nobody asked whether the child would know if their parents regret their marriage or whether it was happy. The fact is it wasn't and he does regret it, so there's nothing to be envious of.

I think it's possible to regret the relationship but not regret the children. When I first separated I was determined to stay positive about the relationship for the sake of the kids but over time I realised that all I was doing was giving them a false, unrealistic view of their parents relationship. As they've gotten older I have discussed exh's & my relationship with them (not the nitty gritty) but the bits around how two people got together too young & stayed together too long when their life goals & personalities weren't aligned. Tbh I would hope that these chats will heighten their awareness that passion does not always equate with compatibility.
I think all kids of separation & divorce will be affected by it, and are so for most of their lives. BUT, it doesn't have to dominate their lives & life choices. Kids can get over separation & divorce very well & with enough support from the adults in their lives - problem is that a lot of adults transfer their own pain & insecurity onto the kids & that's what causes the vast majority of issues.

@Pearsandpearls
My partners ex finds out on the fact she is the mother to his only child, and I am only the partner who could not possibly be as important or loved as much as she was.
My partners marriage was unfortunately not a happy one, but there was love there once. My partners and I relationship is completely different we respect each other and one is not controlled, our house is full of joy and we are creating a family with my children and one day hopefully his.
I am not jealous of something that didn’t work out and holds some unhappy memories, let go of jealousy it will eat you away and what is their to be jealous of?

Can women not discuss their own feelings without bitter ex wives projecting?

Give it a rest Magda, that’s not what OP was asking.

@TriangleBingoBongo - you've missed my point completely!
I'm far from bitter & in fact part of the discussions I have with my kids expand on how their dad & I were not a good match & how their sm & their dad are a MUCH better match that ever he & I were!
What I was saying is that it's possible to talk objectively about regretting time spent in an unhappy relationship without regretting the children of that relationship or imposing that regret on the kids! The relationship & the kids are two separate things!
Maybe read & reflect in the future instead of jumping in with insults!

Hang on a second. magda is the furthest from bitter it’s possible to be. I’ve rarely come across a poster who’s calmer, kinder, more insightful, and better balanced as an individual anywhere on here.

The same can’t be said for other people who hang around this board desperate to stick the boot in on the off chance the poster could be their ex’s new wife or partner. Maybe try engaging with them. Not the decent people like Magda who’ve been through plenty of shit and come out the other side able to help people with problems by sharing her wisdom.

I don't trivialise it- I think it's ridiculous that people on here put so much emphasis on how hard and life altering a separation is for the kids

My children’s lives have been altered by me and their dad separating - but for the absolute better. I cannot tell you enough how separating from the father was one of the biggest gifts I could ever have given them to give them a better life.

And you know what? They are not damaged because there was nothing to lose and more to gain for them. Sure, they love their dad and are happy to see him, but the toxic atmosphere he brought in to their home when he lived here is gone and I will have saved them from growing up in to damaged young adults.

I do not buy in to this whole thing that all children are always damaged and emotionally ruined. My children have an older sibling who is very happy and has a very full life, and the way people go on about how children of separated parents are really really affected and must be over compensated for, really infuriates me because that child is absolutely not damaged whatsoever. Thankfully my children have the chance to have a full and happy life themselves now and I can put my all in to giving it them now without anyone else dragging me down.