Disney dad and wicked am?

[user1484986087]

Dh and i have always had disagreements but ever since sc moved permanently about 5 months ago, they have intensified to the point where we are now seeking counselling in attempt to keep our marriage together. Sds are with us permanently as their mother effectively abandoned them to us and she does not see them eow or at all as is abroad - I have posted previously about this .
Part of the problems in our marriage (as I see it) is that I feel like an outsider to the circle dh has created with his dc. It’s all about them and I feel that I am treated as a flat mate. To cut a long story short, I suggested to the dh that we have a family outing in an attempt to do something as a family. This could be difficult as sd is 16, as is 10 and ds is 2.5 years. The problem is essentially as 10 as he just wants to be on x box and play with friends. I suggested we ask him where to go then? Dh said no, it’s your choice . So we went to a museum. Ss in a sulk and not happy about going. Later that evening, dh thanks ss for coming in front of me and invites me to thank him too. I said no, I don’t see why I should thank ss as it was a family outing, we can’t please everyone all the time and that next time he could choose where we go, if he wants. Dh then proceeded to call me obnoxious and said I should have thanked ss. I still don’t see why I should, this means that ss should thank me every time I step aside for dh to do something with him?! I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but as I’m upset with dh anyway, I would be interested in hearing responses of others. Am I being unreasonable or is dh being a Disney dad?!

I don’t think that asking you to say thank you is your dh trying to be a Disney dad. He’s just trying to build bridges. He knows his ds better than you do, and it seems he felt that saying thank you would encourage ds to engage more with the family.

It’s not a big deal; you are making it one. I definitely agree with you that you have become sensitised and thus are overreacting to even the slightest (non) issue.

If you want things to work in your marriage, focus on the one person you can change; yourself. What can YOU do to improve the family and your relationship? What can YOU change in your behaviour or thinking to create peace and harmony and love?

You seem caught up in a negative cycle.

Btw I fully acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation; mixed families are difficult. So it’s not due to any shortcomings on anyone’s part (including you); it’s just the nature of the beast.

Also I would highly recommend you have these discussions in private with your dh first, ie discuss whether the two of you should acknowledge and thank the children for the weekend.

If you don’t like thanking just ss, then why don’t you thank each child and dh individually?

For example if i have a nice dinner out with my dh I thank him and he thanks me. Not because he did me a favour. We are merely acknowledging each other’s contribution to the night and company.

If what you say is true, your dh is more concerned with his children seeing him as the good guy than creating any kind of family atmosphere, doing what is best for them or integrating you into their lives.

You did what a lot of parents do with kids that age - kind of forced an activity (natural history museum perfectly fine for a 2 hour outing. can't understand the MN obsession with theme parks as the only think kids want to do). Your dh was acting like an eejit afterwards - who the hell tells his wife "Say thank you to child for coming on an outing". He should have said "we loved this afternoon - was lovely to be with you. I know user feels the same as she organised it. But I really enjoyed it" I think it is unsettling to a child to be thanked for coming on an average family day out - like he is conferring a favour instead of being an integrated part of the family.

And what is with the YOU discipling them instead of their actual father - he needs a reboot.

I'm not sure I'd continue ploughing on with this level of obtuseness from their father. Pity though because I think without you pushing a bit, their lives will be xbox and tv.

Sounds like your dh is talking to his dc about you by relaying messages. Think you need to build a relationship with them directly by speaking to them yourself. Sorry to say that your dh sounds a bit of a drip if he discipline them himself. Poor kids mum left them then they have to live with dad sm and new half bro. Now your dh is acting like you're two families instead of as a whole. They need boundaries. So even if that's you eventually they'll appreciate it. You can be both bad and good cop at different times. I have to be as my dh only like to be a buddy to my 3 dcs. Who do they come to with their problems thou? You guessed it. Not to their 'buddy'

OP just reread your post. you should've boxed clever and said yes thanks dss I know you would have preferred playing your xbox but you still came along. What did you think about the (fill in the blanks) I liked the whatever best. Then later on discussed with dh in private. If he's going to make you into the wicked stepmum if you're not careful you'll fill that role so play against it.

I'm just reading all the above and honestly I couldn't be bothered with any of it
Why on earth should the OP make all the effort to make the family work ? If nobody else cares then why should she
Honestly I would take my own child out for days and leave them to it , your hubby sounds like a waste of space , why isnt he promoting the family unit? Sounds like an awful lot of hard work leave them to it, it's not your fault the mother left them either and dont burden the guilt of it

She should you be made to tread on egg shells in your own home because their mother abandoned them , tell hubby if he isnt careful he going to have 2 x failed marriages and 2 x sets of children not living with him
Honestly being a step parent is the worse it really is

Hubby should be moving heaven and earth for you all to get along , knowing their mother has left them why is he promoting division in the family. I wouldn't make any further effort with the step children either you have done enough , concentrate on your own little one and dont bother with them

As per MN a step mum is always wrong.
I think your DH is t a disney dad he’s a lazy dad; turning down ideas to go out and happy to leave his son in front of an xbox and worst of all expecting you to discipline him and as for thanking a 10 yr old for coming out?? what were you to do? sit in all day and pander to a 10 yr old??
For all the pp saying his kids come first, what about the OPs son? that’s his child too.
Your DH needs to step up and be a parent not a yes man and you the bad guy. I bet you do lots of the house/family stuff too, step back and leave him to run after them and discipline them.

Cba to read all these comments but why are you focussing on "Disney dad". He's got his kids full time, they'll be heartbroken that their mum left.

I really don't think these outings in the current atmosphere is the way to go, at least not with ds.

Your DS will be much more perceptive of your feelings than what you give him credit for. He will sense that you don't like him (and that before he even moved in), so offering an outing, that ultimately, you are not doing for HIM to please him, but for YOU in that you are seeking harmony in your household and within your relationship. He will know that and if anything, offering to take him could potentially make things worse.

If you want harmony, your first port of call is to try to like him. Focus on the positive, on what he's been through, in trying to see the world through his eyes and show some empathy.

The fact that you seem incapable of understanding why it would have been a good think to thank him, not for going on a family outing (even though you considering this normal doesn't mean that he should), but for the fact that he made an effort, and at 10yo, that's much more impressive than an adult doing so. It really was the chance to show him some appreciation for his own feelings and this totally passed you by.

I do genuinely sympathise as being stuck in a flat too small for everyone, when tension is palpable around, with kids you wish were not there, it must be pushing on nerves and as you say, it is easy to lose sight of what really matters.

It is obvious you want to do things right for everyone, you just don't seem to know how to go about it and make poor decisions as a result. I do think counselling will benefit massively. I wish you good luck and don't despair, it can really get better with everyone considering other's feelings, but the feelings of the kids have to take precedence at this stage.

Why is the OP bring made to burden the guilt of the mother leaving? Not her problem. also why did she leave probably because of the cunty husband
Dont bother with the step children they are not your problem

Hi all, thanks for the advice! Like the poster above says, the mother leaving is not my problem. It’s not my fault that she went awol and I don’t see why the guilt of this is being put on me almost. However I do feel sorry for the kids, want to make an effort to include them (doesn’t look like their mother is coming back any time soon)...but I don’t like the way dh ignores me, and the way he has reacted to the whole affair by just doing his very best to cater to his kids every whim and basically having no boundaries in his parenting approach. I certainly don’t want ds raised this way. I do feel that dh needs an external person to help him see that he way he behaves (towards me if nothing else) is not right. I’m not perfect either. I do wonder sometimes why his ex initially took kids and walked out on him. It’s a real scorched earth divorce on her part and I wonder if he behaved that way with her in that he ignored her snd focused entirely on them. It’s not my concern but having seen this side of him I can understand why a character such as his ex would just walk out .

Dh being a fool about not getting a bigger place, how exactly does he plan to have all 4 kids stay when they are older (currently dsd 19, dsd 16, ss 10 and ds 2.5 years!). At the moment I have said that the older dsd cannot stay over when the other kids are here, when she is visiting from uni. We don’t have the space.