Disney dad and wicked am?

[user1484986087]

Dh and i have always had disagreements but ever since sc moved permanently about 5 months ago, they have intensified to the point where we are now seeking counselling in attempt to keep our marriage together. Sds are with us permanently as their mother effectively abandoned them to us and she does not see them eow or at all as is abroad - I have posted previously about this .
Part of the problems in our marriage (as I see it) is that I feel like an outsider to the circle dh has created with his dc. It’s all about them and I feel that I am treated as a flat mate. To cut a long story short, I suggested to the dh that we have a family outing in an attempt to do something as a family. This could be difficult as sd is 16, as is 10 and ds is 2.5 years. The problem is essentially as 10 as he just wants to be on x box and play with friends. I suggested we ask him where to go then? Dh said no, it’s your choice . So we went to a museum. Ss in a sulk and not happy about going. Later that evening, dh thanks ss for coming in front of me and invites me to thank him too. I said no, I don’t see why I should thank ss as it was a family outing, we can’t please everyone all the time and that next time he could choose where we go, if he wants. Dh then proceeded to call me obnoxious and said I should have thanked ss. I still don’t see why I should, this means that ss should thank me every time I step aside for dh to do something with him?! I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but as I’m upset with dh anyway, I would be interested in hearing responses of others. Am I being unreasonable or is dh being a Disney dad?!

How actively involved is your DH with your DS? Has there been any change since DSC’s have moved in? A 10 year old just wanting to play x box and football with friends is not unusual. Finding suitable activities for a 16year old girl, 10 year old boy and 2.5 year old boy to do together that everyone is happy with is virtually impossible in my opinion. Your DH sounds like he is taking the path of least resistance with DSS and he may have been like this anyway as a father - plenty are.

Children often don’t want to be involved in family activities the only difference in your situation is you are not fully able to parent two of the children living with you. I think family counselling (Especially if you can find someone with experience of blended families) would be a good idea after you and DH have agreed on some parenting principles moving forward. 10 years and 2.5 years is a large age gap but I think I would be trying to foster that relationship a bit more to get DSS of the xbox and involved with his brother a bit more.

The kids may not always like you but it sounds like they need someone to parent them and in the long term they will hopefully see that’s all you were trying to do. My kids don’t always like me but ultimately they are stuck with me as there is no alternate and when push comes to shove they understand i’m just trying to do the best job I can to help them for the future.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable he wasn't doing you a favour it was a family day out

I don’t think you needed to thank him. Not those exact words anyway because it implies that he’s in charge. Should you thank him for eating his tea as well?

“I’m really glad you came today ss.”
^^This acknowledges you’re happy he came with you, without the need to kiss his feet about it.

Hey OP, I understand why you didn't thank him. If he's wondering around the museum sulking that he's not on xbox, acting like he's doing you a massive favour, then that's not an attitude I'd want to condone either.

However, I think in the short term, you need to be doing things their way to get on their side. See what it is they like, and do it with them. Play xbox with him (I have an xbox and I do love it lol), take him to that massive trampolines place, can't remember what it's called, and have him jump around a bit, clay pigeon shooting he might think is cool.. Etc and instead of asking and waiting for a no, see how you can get him interested in going. Even take a detour somewhere when he's already in the car, act spontaneous... Oooh, I know somewhere you're going to love! That kinda thing.

They need to get to know you and appreciate you first before you start with all the lessons of why should you thank them etc.

It's hard to tell because there's only one example here but it does sound to me like your husband isn't helping anything. He knows your feelings on the situation and that you don't see eye to eye on this, yet he put you on the spot by suggesting you thank his son in front of him. It's thoughtless behaviour and I can see how it would add up to create a situation where you feel annoyed and like your feelings are ignored.

Your husband needs to take it seriously if you feel pushed out and like a flat mat, how does he feel about you feeling like that? He should be very worried that his wife feels that way. If no changes are made (in his attitude to you, not necessarily the kids), then I wouldn't stay. You shouldn't have to spend your life feeling pushed out and irrelevant because of somebody's elses children.

As a side note, knowing that someone has children they see EOW is entirely different from them ending up living with you full time, in all honesty it's really not something you expect when they are well established as NRP, and it would be a shock to any step parent. It's silly to say "well you knew he had kids" as though that made it likely they were going to end up there full time. For most of us, that never happens and is never discussed as a possibility.

Having been the parent to a 10 year whose other parent let them down it is important to understand that whilst they are not actually teenagers they have many of the feelings of a teenager. They have been forced to grow up more quickly due to the other parents actions and will be feeling very conflicted about their feelings.
Your SS mum is still his mum and he will still love her, but at this moment in time he may not actually like her very much. This will be so confusing and hiding in his xbox means he doesn't actually have to face those feelings and accept that his family has dramatically changed. He is almost certainly craving attention and the easiest way to get attention for preteens and teens is to misbehave. Rewarding and praising the small stuff is a good way to give the attention before he misbehaves. I even used to thank my DD for walking the dog with me.
He sounds lost and frightened and needs nurturing to help to deal with those feelings.
You have had your life turned upside down as you didn't expect this either and are suddenly living full time with a teenager and a preteen and having to get up to speed on how to deal with them.
It was my own DD that I was dealing with, but it was still tough. But I have to say the worst of the sulky, stroppy behaviour was between 10-14 whilst she struggled with accepting that her Dad was not great. Now at 16 she has reconciled her feelings realised it is okay to still care about someone, but not actually particularly like who they are. She sees him for what he is and appreciates the stable loving home I have provided.

You found yourself having to take on two kids, one of whom you didn't like much for a start. It was never going to be easy, but I think the issue is that you've decided to not trust your OH when really, if there's a time to do so it's now. I expect that's what is making him angry towards you.

You seem to have totally missed the point about the day out to the museum. Your OH wanted to encourage all of you spending time together. You do to pick and you picked an activity that most 10yo would have hated. Why would you pick this in the first place is odd. There is therefore a good chance that your ss could have deducted that you did so on purpose. Not the case I'm sure, but the mind of a 10yo would have easily believed it.

He goes, he's not happy (of course not!), but he goes. That means that he made a real effort for the family. Sadly, your OH shouldn't have had to ask you to say thank you, it really needed to come from you. You should have got home, told your ss that you understood this wasn't his favourite activity, but you appreciated that he made an effort to please his dad and that he showed how mature he was. Instead, you took the attitude that it was normal that he should be forced to do something he disliked to make you happy.

It's no surprise things are not working out and your OH is frustrated with you. I would be too if I were him. His priority right now is his kids who've been emotionally hit badly by their mum abandoning them. He wants to show to them that the problem is with her, not them, that they are loveable and that she hasn't left them because they were not good enough for her. Yet here you are unwilling to consider what you can do to help them emotionally to feel better.

It's not your role to make them feel good about themselves, of course it isn't, but your OH is asking for your help right now, and instead of doing so, you are battling against him because you are not happy is giving you less attention at this time. Sadly, it's a vicious circle because the more he is left to feel guilty about trying to be a good dad and making up for their mum's failure, the more he has to cope with you asking for attention, the more he is going to feel that you only want him for when everything is good but not prepared to be there for him when things are tough.

I think counselling is indeed the way to do, but try to listen to your OH and trust that he is doing his best in a very difficult time. He can't mess it up. If he isn't there for his kids now, the emotional damage could be permanent. So no, it's not about him being a Disney dad, it's about him trying to help his kids move on from the damage their mum has done.

To explain for the benefit of the last poster, the family outing was my idea, not dh’s idea. He decided to go to a museum, not me. I was trying to do something together as a family to try and feel less like an outsider myself and let them know that I wanted to do something with them, as opposed to with just dh and ds, or dh and ds. My intention was good but I don’t see why I should have to thank a child for coming on a family outing (though I recognise that perhaps I should have played along to some extent).

‘I’m glad you came with us’ (I value you) would have been a more appropriate sentiment than ‘thank you’ (you’ve done me a favour). Hence the discord. I get that both of you (OP and DP) feel frustrated here.

I agree with lone wrt what the dc are going through. The children’s father needs however to factor OP into things. There are difficult feelings in all directions and it sounds like more than any of you can handle without professional objective help (which MN step parenting board is not).

It sounds like such a high pressure situation and one that none of you asked for. That’s something you all have in common. Perhaps start there?

Yes, that’s a very good good suggestion in terms of a start with the counsellor. My emotions are certainly all over the place at the moment and I want to get something constructive out of the sessions.

The OP did say she is finding it difficult all you perfect people out there give her a break! You know older kids are difficult and disengaged most of the time ..

She does know her judgment is somewhat clouded .. tbh her husband IS the issue .. he should also make an effort together with OP to make this blended family work! It is NOT only the OP’s issues causing friction here.. he needs to parent, be a husband & not be a twat.. life is not easy and having kids adds to the stress!

They are the most important thing here, if you can see that you’ll make an amazing step mother one day

What a load of old bollocks. They might be the most important thing to their Dad - although he can’t even be bothered to take them out and only does when OP suggests it so maybe not - but they won’t be to OP and nor should they be. Mum’s are always being told “don’t forget to prioritise your needs” but apparently step mums should just roll over in the dirt and doff their caps in deference to their step children.

I think your partner is the problem here - making you discipline your DSS because he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” is not on at all. It’s setting you up to fail.

Rather than couple’s counselling I wonder if solo counselling would be better for you to help you work out what you want.

It’s ok to leave if you’re unhappy. You don’t have to be miserable for the sake of other people.

Also this forum is not a supportive place for step parents. People just love to stick the knife in so ignore all the arsey replies - they have no actual relevance to you or your situation.

You do to pick and you picked an activity that most 10yo would have hated.

Why on earth would most 10 year olds hate going to a museum?

I suggested we ask him where to go then? Dh said no, it’s your choice . So we went to a museum. Ss in a sulk and not happy about going
Sorry but this read that you decided where to go, not your oh and it's obvious ds didnt want to go.

I agree though with saying something along the line 'I'm glad you came to the Museum and made an effort' rather thank thanking him.

The point though is that your oh had to prompt you when it would have been good it had come from you directly. Instead you chose to say, in front of ss I am guessing that you don't have to thank him and that you can't please everyone all the time, which really is not a very mature, let alone kind thing to say in front of an emotionally confused kid who actually made an effort to please.

How can you expect him to suggest something he wants to do next when he probably feels rejected by you? He's been massively hurt by his mum, the last thing he needs is suggest something to try to get close to you if the end result is rejection again despite making efforts.

‘I’m glad you came with us’ (I value you) would have been a more appropriate sentiment than ‘thank you’ (you’ve done me a favour)

Exactly. “Thank you” just seems like such an odd thing to say. It implies the child has done a big favour and everyone needs to be grateful.

Aw, those poor kids have been through a lot. I'd be doing everything in my power to encourage them.
You have a child, if your dh abandoned him wouldn't you expect your new partner to do all they could to help.

You have a child, if your dh abandoned him wouldn't you expect your new partner to do all they could to help.

Maybe, but I certainly wouldn’t exclude them to the point that they feel like a flat mate, make them do the discipline so I didn’t have to be the “baddie” and never bother taking my children anywhere then make my DP out to be the bad one when they made the effort to get us to go on a day out.

Agree with Hecky the father of these children isn’t exactly doing everything he can. Putting OP in the position of disciplinarian is out of order. As is not being proactive with the days out. He is putting too much on OP.

I really feel for you! It is horrible feeling a stranger in your own home, wanting desperately to do the right thing but somehow feeling that efforts miss the mark.

If you have a chance to ready Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin I really recommend it.It interviews many step mothers and therapist as well as looking at the portrayal of stepmothers in history and literature.

I almost broke amid feelings of failure when I could not make everyone happy. I wish I had read that book when it could have helped me just gain a bit of insight.

It is not easy, statistics are not good for marriages in this situation. Your stepchildren must be in a very vulnerable states need their father, but that needs to be balanced with your need to feel accepted and comfortable in your own home is not just for you to work on.

Good luck!

I remember your previous thread OP. It sounded so tough. Did you ever get your break away? Are you still in the same flat?

@HillAreas, thanks for asking! We did get away but it wasn’t great, ds wasn’t 100 pc anc dh was moody and resentful. Since then the dsc have calmed down a bit, but it’s my dh whom is the problem for the reasons I have set out above. We are unfortunately still in the same flat and I fantasise about renting a studio or room somewhere close by just to get some of my own space, unfortunately it’s not worth it as ds still very young and I would need to be at the flat most of the time. It is very very tough but at the same time I don’t want to break up my family and I think of a neutral third party (counsellor) were to give us advice, that would help. I can’t really think straight at the moment, just exhausted with life generally so don’t want to make any important decisions.

With regard to the failed family outing, I took matters into my own hands and suggested to dh that I take ss and his friend to a football match...he told me to discuss it with ss and make plans with him. I will also speak with my dsd and see if I can take her and a friend to the cinema. I don’t think the family outing idea is working due to the disparate ages of the kids and I can take ds to his age appropriate activities with dh. That way I get to spend time with all the kids. I’m beginning to think that although ss is not the most likeable child, he is not as bad as he was previously and that I have more of a dh problem rather then dsc problem on my hands...

Tbh I'd have been irritated at being asked to thank DSS. Isn't your DH thanking him sufficient.

I hate ppl doing things like that, which force you to do what they want. I think he was treating you like a child in that scenario.

It would have been better if he spoke to you in private with his proposal...or he could have said 'we appreciate you coming along, even though it's not your ideal choice '

When you have counselling, is he not understanding your feelings? Because if neither of you get to a place if empathy, counselling will be very difficult.

I know, I didn’t like it at all. He didn’t directly ask me to thank him, it was ‘I just said thank you to ss for coming today’ in front of ss followed by a meaningful look. Of course I was annoyed to be be put in that position so I went the other way and said I did not understand why I had to thank ss, it was s family outing and that’s what families do. In retrospect, I should have said ‘yes I’m glad ss came’ rather than thanked him, but I was annoyed at being put in that position. Just because he feels the need to thank his son, it doesn’t mean I do/should. I would not even expect to thank ds for coming on an outing!

We haven’t had counselling yet, first session is in a week.

Or maybe he was setting me up in front of ss, to appear to ss that the hated family outing was not his idea. He has in the past told them that they have to do things because I have said so, not because we (dh and I) say so - doesn’t want to look like bad cop and yet doesn’t present us as a united team either.