Disney dad and wicked am?

[user1484986087]

Dh and i have always had disagreements but ever since sc moved permanently about 5 months ago, they have intensified to the point where we are now seeking counselling in attempt to keep our marriage together. Sds are with us permanently as their mother effectively abandoned them to us and she does not see them eow or at all as is abroad - I have posted previously about this .
Part of the problems in our marriage (as I see it) is that I feel like an outsider to the circle dh has created with his dc. It’s all about them and I feel that I am treated as a flat mate. To cut a long story short, I suggested to the dh that we have a family outing in an attempt to do something as a family. This could be difficult as sd is 16, as is 10 and ds is 2.5 years. The problem is essentially as 10 as he just wants to be on x box and play with friends. I suggested we ask him where to go then? Dh said no, it’s your choice . So we went to a museum. Ss in a sulk and not happy about going. Later that evening, dh thanks ss for coming in front of me and invites me to thank him too. I said no, I don’t see why I should thank ss as it was a family outing, we can’t please everyone all the time and that next time he could choose where we go, if he wants. Dh then proceeded to call me obnoxious and said I should have thanked ss. I still don’t see why I should, this means that ss should thank me every time I step aside for dh to do something with him?! I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but as I’m upset with dh anyway, I would be interested in hearing responses of others. Am I being unreasonable or is dh being a Disney dad?!

OrangeLindt, I am making an effort. Hence asking for advice on here. Not that it matters, I knew he had kids, but did not know that they would end up being with us full time with dh ignoring me and being forced to share a small space with them. I’m trying to behave as part of a family and promote us as a family unit. You don’t have any practical advice. It’s all too easy to say walk out if you don’t like it, would have done that by now if it was so easy or if it was what I wanted!

Orange, you always have to hope something changes, and maybe by helping it may be you. This is an anonymous forum. Attacking will make people leave but not change. Helping and being positive could make a difference. Even if it doesn’t I’d rather try than push people away

And he didn’t take his family out! It was me who suggested the family outing. If it was up to him ss would be on x box all day.

You’ve done everything you can OP to make your family whole. But you need help now, your husband has his issues. You have yours too, and rightly, this is a lot of responsibility to take on. And for the children they are grieving and want their mum. Plus you have your own child. This is a lot to deal with and nothing you should ever feel judged for. But you do sound like you need counselling, all of you, or you’ll end up another broken family in a mess

When your DH gave you the choice of where you went as a family, what sort of museum was it you picked. Did you consider everyone's interests and pick one you alone would enjoy? If so, you set everyone up for a fall.
What did it hurt to say thank you for coming?

A thought - those kids have been utterly reject by they mother - maybe they don't want to get close to you I case you do it too - which is exactly what you are doing.

A suggestion- take your step kids out individually with one of their friends, to something like to do. Let them lead the activity - swimming, skating, cinema, what ever they enjoy. One morning or afternoon on the weekend and build your relationship with them. When you're at home say thank you, it costs nothing to you but heaps to them and they will repeat it back to you in time.

I asked dh if we should ask ss to choose an activity. Dh said no, I should choose it.
They don’t really have friends apart from the boys ss plays football with..whenever I suggest doing something with sc dh says that they won’t enjoy it and to leave turn to pursue their own activities.

It was a natural history museum, so one that kids would enjoy. Not my preferred choice.

But why didn't you pick something that you could all enjoy? You picked what you wanted to do.

So they have no friends and their mums abandoned them, they must be so unhappy.

@awesmum that’s ridiculously harsh, how is the natural history museum against what any child would want?? You are sounding deliberately argumentative for the sake of it now

See above. I suggested going for a walk, dh said as it’s cold, let’s go to a museum. I said let’s ask as. Dh said no, you choose . So he said let’s go to South Kensington and pick the museum with the shortest queue. Hence we ended up at the natural history museum. Dsd enjoyed it. Dh says that ss doesn’t want to go anywhere, just wants to be on x box or with friends. I dint know what to do to include something that ss specifically likes (I suggested a football match but Dh refuses, also I’m not sure if dsd or ds would like that!)

Cross post. Natural history museum is completely different to 'regular' museum.

To be honest it sounds like your dh is struggling too.

Have you started counselling? I think family counselling is definitely needed. I know dh said no, but I think Sc need to speak to someone too and know you're a stable permeant fixture in their lives.

You chose a museum! If you want children to bond and have a fab time take them to a theme park not a ruddy museum! Guess what teenagers are hard work op. That's the definition of a teenager. As a parent you only get through it by accepting that they are basically ego centric and by putting yourself down the pecking order. You do come across as 'me me me what about me'. In all fairness they won't give two monkeys about you. It doesn't make them bad people. They have been abandoned by their mum and are struggling. Cut them a massive amount of slack.

What about taking ss to a live football match? At that age i would be made up if anyone would have taken me? Who does he support or do you live local to a championship or premiere league team?

Ss is not a teenager, he is 10!
We only wanted to go out for an hour or two as ds only 2.5 years and had to be home.
I have suggested a football match but dh completely against the idea! I could arrange but I am not sure if ss would want to come with me anyway.

If you live near south kensington, Fulham football club is a great day out and very family accommodating. Dont ask your husband just book tickets for you and SS and maybe one of his friends. He will be made up and it is not that expensive really.

He supported Chelsea but for some reason it’s Leicester city now!

The best way to deal with SS is to find common ground and incorporate that into your time with him. If he loves football i guarantee he would love to go and even if he doesn't before hand he will love it afterwards. My stepdad took me for the first time to see Bristol city and although they are not together anymore i will never forget my first match with him.

I would love to book tickets for Fulham for a match but if I did 1. Dh would be against it 2. Ss would most likely whine and complain that it wasn’t his preferred team. I can’t win! I’ve actually asked dh several times what sa likes, dh says leave it as am setting myself up for disappointment as ss just wants x box and to play football with neighbours

Perfect... Brentford v Leicester in the FA cup soon, should be able to get tickets for that one too i suspect.

Maybe even just ask SS if its something he would like to do?

Sorry just seen that match is next weekend but it may be worth looking at.

Thanks, I think it is being played in Leicester so not a great option in terms of travelling unfortunately!

i just had a look it was in Brentford but unfortunately its sold out :[ next best bet for you would be in march they are playing in Watford, may give you time to pitch the idea to him then to see if he wants to go.

Another thing you could do which you would probably hate is sit with him and watch him play his x box for an hour.. it would bore the crap out of you but just pretend to be interested and ask him questions. Kids love talking about things they are passionate about even if they know the other person doesn't care. its only an hour after all.

Then maybe while watching him play it [fifa im guessing] ask him if he would like to go to a real match with you.

I’m not judging the whole situation because it sounds tricky, but I think you reacted badly when you refused to thank ss for coming. It just comes off as petty and petulant to refuse to thank him because you wouldn’t thank your ds or because it was a family outing so he shouldn’t be thanked. The kid has had so much upheaval. Would it hurt to just throw him a bone occasionally? Maybe you could look for more opportunities to casually express your appreciation of him or show that you’re proud of him. Today, if you had said, ‘Thanks for coming with us today, ss. I know there are other things you’d rather do, but I really enjoyed having you along,’ it might help alleviate his feelings that he’s a burden or an inconvenience. Even if you don’t mean it, and if you only get a grunt in response, sometimes these gentle encouragements can be internalised and make a difference in the long term.

@user1484986087

I am just glad I am not a step parent but I think his children must come first because it is not their fault that their parents split up and are being put through all this upheaval.