Dealing with my rage towards his ex wife (sorry it's long)

[beingsunny]

Seeking advice,

My DP has been separated from us exw since she was around 6 months pregnant.
She does and has historically suffered from severe Mental health issues including anxiety and depression which she has been medicated for.

The relationship became very difficult, she became abusive emotionally and on a few occasions physically. She asked him to move out of their home during during her pregnancy, so he moved in with family a couple of streets away believing it was temporary. In hindsight he believes the change in her are as a result of the massive change in pregnancy hormones, or maybe prenatal depression.

She then cut all contact with him, refusing to tell him when their daughter was born and refusing any visitation.

After a couple of months he initiated court proceedings.

Since then she has refused contact, they have been in the family court with a number of interim hearings which has seen progression from no contact, to supervised contact to more recently unsupervised contact.

With the final hearing just a month away, she has realised that he will almost certainly get the time he is asking for (every other weekend and half school holidays) and is playing nice, offering extra days and sleepovers for the first time.

This is great, but I’m really struggling with my rage towards her, my DP has been through hell for five years with me supporting him and all of a sudden she wants to meet for coffee and be on friendly terms.

For context he has engaged a contact service to facilitate all handovers (getting into debt as it’s so expensive) as she is so vindictive he’s been afraid of her fabricating some incident.

I also have a child from a previous marriage and am on great terms with ex and his partner so this has been bewildering that a mother can wilfully deprive a child of her father.

Sorry this is long but does anyone have any advice how to deal with my emotions. I know it’s unhealthy and it’s pushing my anxiety through the roof whenever her name is mentioned.

I don’t want her in my house or near my son, usually you keep away from toxic people like this but I can’t, she’s in our lives now and I need to deal with it.

And yes, I am considering Councelling.

Well if abuse did occur, could you explain how a person then does a complete about face and wants to be friendly? Because if I thought someone had abused my child/ children, you can believe I won’t suddenly do a complete about face and try and act as if nothing has happened. Would you?

My statement is correct. If contact has progressed, findings have not been made against the father. And if you think the standard required for family courts is high then you have little to no knowledge of the system. The burden of proof required in family court is far far lower than in criminal court. So unless you wish to return to a time where someone could be called a witch and burned at the stake just because people felt like it, yes you have to work with a system. And accept that even in family court, no one has a magic ball and they have to work the best they can within a legal framework. And if findings are not made, then they’re not made.

Abuse is hard to detect and to prove. I completely agree. Especially abuse like parental alienation which is deeply insidious. Subtle and incredibly damaging.

But behaviour shows a lot about a person. Why a complete about face now by the mother?

People just hang around the step parenting board to stick the knife in. Regardless of the tone of the OP.

Thank you for your replies, I am still reading but am rushing around after my 7yo

I too have professional experience. And I am yet to see any case return to family court where a parent has been awarded unsupervised contact and it has had to be reversed because of harm / potential harm to the child.

Where I have seen (and sadly continue to see) these issues coming back to court is where the anxiety of the primary carer is interfering with the court ordered contact. The challenge becomes on what grounds the anxiety is occurring.

Did abuse happen and is the primary carer genuinely anxious? Or are the family courts being used (in the reverse way of what is spoken on here and is a quiet concern for many within the family court system). Are the courts being used to manipulate contact and support parental alienation?

I agree the courts are broken. They are over burdened. Not enough time given to more subtle signs of abuse. But my point is for those who have come on here and rubbished the fact that the OP has been through years of legal battles with her DP. That is far more commonplace than people think. And whilst I completely take your point that there are children being sacrificed for the point of contact. I also think primary carers have too much sway within the family court system and as such more parents need to participate equally in childcare when a child is born. Such that when/ if a separation occurs, 50/50 is standard.

No one within the family court system thinks current practises can be sustained. But for now it’s all there is and for every child sacrificed for contact (in your words) plenty of others are also being sacrificed because they can be and there are zero repercussions for making allegations that are not found.

Even if evidence is produced within a fact find that a primary carer then denies to have ever said. For every extreme example you have the counter for a primary carer having lied and the judge letting it pass, because what they can do? Sling a primary carer in prison? No. And so that too slides.

Sass we will have to agree to disagree. I'm a former lawyer of many years and contact is still granted in many cases despite domestic abuse allegations being proven at a fact finding.

Its ridiculous to suggest that for every claim proven there is a primary carer who has lied. That smacks of misogyny to me. I'm not for one moment saying it never happens but Occam's Razor. Its far more likely that abuse did indeed happen but cannot be proven. Just as happens in rape cases within criminal proceedings. Yes there are false allegations but they are few and far between.

Sassbott thank you for posting and supporting OP. Reading many of the other responses is so depressing with the presumption that the accused is always guilty. What you have described Sassbott is exactly the position my DP and I are facing and it’s really frightening in society now where there is presumption that any accuser is truthful. I understand that there remains a problem for those suffering domestic abuse but it leaves innocent people very vulnerable to cynical accusations. In our case the children have also been with an abusive mother for longer than they should have been because of the difficulties of raising mental health problems with a woman who says she was abused (something highlighted in another post). Things are starting to change now in our case with the system starting to protect the kids from her but there is still a long way to go and she will likely always be there doing her best to destroy lives as best she can, even her kids.

What OP was asking for was support but this thread has, on the whole, done the opposite. I imagine she has played a critical role in emotionally supporting her DP in coping with protracted difficulties with his exw, unable to see his DC, and accusations that he cannot defend himself from. The financial drain of court hearings will affect her too even if it’s indirectly.

OP I completely sympathise with feelings of anger, which are very normal in the face of what you continue to go through. You have recognised them and asked for help in dealing with them in a very honest and open way. My only advice comes from a book I found helpful (Power of Now by Eckhart). There is a podcast with Oprah Winfrey. If you can then practice acknowledging your anger (or any other emotional response) as it bubbles. Watch it as an observer with interest and compassion for yourself. Be interested in your emotional response and acknowledge it is there. That in itself is often enough to diffuse it. If that doesn’t work and emotions are not helpful then I try to distract myself by doing exercise, going outside, doing something that distracts me.

All couples have things to deal with. But in your situation there are a lot of potential sources of conflict/disagreement. Another poster said how important it is for this not to come between you. As you’ve been together for five years through this I’m sure you are both masters of communication but that is critical. You and your DP have kept your relationship going in the face of very difficult circumstances. Well done. Be proud of yourselves and be kind and supportive of one another.

Thank you @growingweeble that was a really helpful post, I actually read the power of now years back and will add it to my audible queue .
It has been tough, we have been together four of the five years he has been going through this and we generally communicate well. I know it will get better, the stays quo has just changed so suddenly and I feel unprepared emotionally I suppose. And as they say time is a great healer.

@beingsunny unfortunately as you’ve read this forum can be harsh when step parents express a view. I can see from your original post you are just worried about how this is effecting your DP, and how much he loves his child.

You worry about contact with mum, and yes that will probably need to happen, for the child’s sake at some time a family group will include both of you

I will say time happens and as the child grows and matures so will the parents, I met my step daughter at aged 2. Contact via court after disputes. Now we aren’t friends but we text each other about issues/concerns/positives. She’s in a happy relationship and we both want the best for her daughter. All of us have grown and all of us are happier for it

OP I sympathise. My partner has been in the courts for a similar length of time and his ex has been similarly hostile. In our case there’s no chance she’ll ever change though! If she did my partner would work with it for the good of his daughter. I too would feel exactly like you I’m sure.
Having seen everything she put him through with firstly harassment then her endless lies in the court process and how she tries so hard to manipulate her daughter to turn her against us I have no need to every be in coffee terms with her. And I am fine with that. That said I’ve always been and always will be dignified.
Be clear with your partner on your absolute boundaries eg she is not welcome in your house if that’s one.
On the positive side pretty much every court decision has given my partner more access and he is now at 50/50. Everyone can see the positive changes in his daughter. It’s so been worth it. I hope everything goes well for you with the judgement.

If she really does have mental health issues then maybe she has had a medication change which would explain the change perhaps the fog has lifted and she feels she has done the wrong thing who knows 🤷‍♀️

Just get the contact order finalised and be done with it

I do understand where you are coming from. I myself have been in this situation. My ex husband left when my son was 1 as he wanted to "live the single life" again and shacked up with some girl who "wanted our life and lifestyle". And for so long I was very bitter, I made it hard for him to see our son and I was pretty nasty. However, it then got to a point that social services nearly ended up involved so I decided to arrange a meeting with them both and have since had meetings every couple of months either at my house when he's asleep or somewhere mutual. We discuss our son, and any other issues and for our sons mental state it has improved massively. Some woman do act irrationally but can be genuinely sorry and it could of been for w bigger picture. Perhaps hear her out for the sake od the child.

I've been in a similar situation myself. Dh ex has been very hard work over the years. Moves the goalposts, says she doesn't trust him only trusts me so needs to have coffee etc with me - to then meet up and act like my best mate and use all that information I gave against me and DH in court. Be careful.

Ignore the others, plenty of pregnant women end relationships and plenty of women are batshit crazy! And I say this as someone with mental health issues!

It's hard and the only way I have managed to switch it off after all these years is to not get involved anymore. If his ex contacts me I ignore her. When she asks about me he tells her it's none of her business.

I also mediate and mentally switch off my "give a fuck button" in my head.

She will always play games until she no longer holds the control and then, she wil keep trying to scrape it back.

Thank you for your supportive messages, it's really helped.

I have to say a month on and my feelings are settling down gradually, time really is a great healer and we are gradually working out what boundaries are needed.

I still have moments where she thinks it's ok to FaceTime consistently on a Friday evening while we are out for valentines dinner or at 7.30 am on a Sunday morning but maybe that will ease off too.

Hi I don’t know if I should be posting here, how do I start a new thread please if I’m in the wrong place. Ok here goes. I have a 15 yr old daughter with an expert we who was abusive, and was really bad to me and more than once had sex with me when I didn’t want to. Do I was with him 12 years and left him approximately 5 years ago. I have had no contact with him nor do I want to. His relationship with his daughter went from trying to make me get an abortion, to denying she was his to accepting her at 4 yrs of age. Anyway her contact has been sporadic with him, she will fall out with him and not see him for months then he pops back up. Now I’m in a happy settled relationship with a kind man who I love very much. He knows everything that happened. He displays a lot of anger (understandably) towards my ex. Me? I want to move on with my life and be happy, which I have done. Now last week when there was that storm, my daughter asked if she could go to her dads, I said yes but I didn’t want him at the house. Normally my daughter will go down the shop and get picked up there, but it was dark, raining bad and she’s a 15 yr old girl, by the time she was ready he was parked outside the house, doesn’t knock the door, she ran out. Now my current partner went absolutely mad and said he’s not to come to the house. I told him to grow up she’s not walking in the dark on her own in the rain. He said well we are finished then and left. He then went home and out on a bender, which was our 3rd anniversary. He ended up drinking and at a house party and got in the next day at 10 am, We haven’t seen each other for a week now but talk on the fone. We are speaking but we cannot agree on who’s right. He thinks he shouldn’t come here, and I should tell her what he did. Although I love my partner, I refuse to start contact with my ex, saying he can’t park in the street outside my house. Although he was prosecuted for harassment, I never said anything about the rapes because I want to protect my daughter and also my own mental health. I am in a good place, anyway, any advice on if I am being unreasonable to my current partner, how do we resolve it going forward. His family side with him, mine with me. Any help really appreciated as I don’t know where to turn 💔

That’s was supposed to be expartner not expert 🤦🏻‍♀️

You need to start your own thread Amazongill

Ah OP, I feel your rage. DH's ex still plays games with us despite him having 50/50. She tries to change times and days regularly. I loathe her and we're very careful not to get involved with her drama. focus on the kids. even when she calls during my birthday meal out. I ended up with PND because she tried so very hard to split us up after I had DC.
I'm still on anti-d's to deal with the drama and my simmering anger at her. I run to relax.
We are civil and thats only because like you, DH and I try to put SD and our DC first. Its so hard sometimes. Glad you're setting boundaries.

Sorry yes that’s what I was try to do. I am new and cannot seem to work out how to start a new one 😥

I found it. My apologies x

I'm in the same boat. We've never been friends (I've only met the ex a handful of times) but she went out of her way to try and become friends with my mum and feed her lies about my partner (I know, totally messed up!) anyway, she has always tried to make things difficult for me and my H2B for the past 7 years and even breaks the court order constantly, unfortunately we can't afford to take her back to court as it is so expensive and there is no support for these things outside of the courts. It's caused me massive amounts of stress and anxiety over the years but I think the only thing left to do personally is ignore, limit the contact and push on through until the kids are 18 and the parent-to-parent contact can finally end! (believe me, I'm counting down the days)

OP, like you I don't know how to handle the rage I feel against my husband's ex. He left it too late to go to court and she has manipulated and manipulated and I am so fucking tired of watching him being kicked around like a football. She made him believe she was the better parent and so he had them only when she let him ie when she needed free childcare. He nearly lost all contact and all because he didn't fight for 50/50, naively thinking she would do the right thing. They're nearly adults now and they treat him like he's an afterthought not their dad. Heartbreaking, and I can't do a thing about it.
Not much advice, I'm afraid, except to support your ex in maintaining contact.