Dealing with my rage towards his ex wife (sorry it's long)

[beingsunny]

Seeking advice,

My DP has been separated from us exw since she was around 6 months pregnant.
She does and has historically suffered from severe Mental health issues including anxiety and depression which she has been medicated for.

The relationship became very difficult, she became abusive emotionally and on a few occasions physically. She asked him to move out of their home during during her pregnancy, so he moved in with family a couple of streets away believing it was temporary. In hindsight he believes the change in her are as a result of the massive change in pregnancy hormones, or maybe prenatal depression.

She then cut all contact with him, refusing to tell him when their daughter was born and refusing any visitation.

After a couple of months he initiated court proceedings.

Since then she has refused contact, they have been in the family court with a number of interim hearings which has seen progression from no contact, to supervised contact to more recently unsupervised contact.

With the final hearing just a month away, she has realised that he will almost certainly get the time he is asking for (every other weekend and half school holidays) and is playing nice, offering extra days and sleepovers for the first time.

This is great, but I’m really struggling with my rage towards her, my DP has been through hell for five years with me supporting him and all of a sudden she wants to meet for coffee and be on friendly terms.

For context he has engaged a contact service to facilitate all handovers (getting into debt as it’s so expensive) as she is so vindictive he’s been afraid of her fabricating some incident.

I also have a child from a previous marriage and am on great terms with ex and his partner so this has been bewildering that a mother can wilfully deprive a child of her father.

Sorry this is long but does anyone have any advice how to deal with my emotions. I know it’s unhealthy and it’s pushing my anxiety through the roof whenever her name is mentioned.

I don’t want her in my house or near my son, usually you keep away from toxic people like this but I can’t, she’s in our lives now and I need to deal with it.

And yes, I am considering Councelling.

@beingsunny Everyone can see/contribute to the step-parenting board and unfortunately most step-mothers get a pretty hard time on here, albeit sometimes correctly!

My eldest is now 5 and I still get a stressful tingle through my body when DH's ex calls or emails. It's an emotional response but I'm learning to just let go and let DH sort things out. The contact order had been in place for 3 years now and it has helped remove some of the stress.

My DSC are both at school and contact starts when we pick them up from school/drop them back. It removes the need for any contact with their Mum.

Thank you, I have yet to have any contact with her mother, this turnaround has literally been the last two weeks.
For context she insisted that for contact sessions to continue, my son and I had to attend a number of supervised visits which reports are written about all our interactions. Refusal of this basically meant no further contact until the hearing which at the time was another ten months away.

Thanks @Zampa, the orders are being requested with a Friday school pickup and drop at school Monday morning to minimise contact.

My DP called me today to discuss anothe call he had with her today and my stress went from 0-100 just discussing it. ( I was having a much needed beach day with my visiting girlfriend) the school holidays are looong!

She does sound dreadful. Surely the court can see this is abuse. Her little girl deserves better

Was there a reason he was only granted supervised contact to start? Is that normal where you are?

I understand your frustration and anger at how she has acted, but you need to take your lead from your partner. Do whatever he needs to build his relationship with his child. If that involves a lot of tongue-biting, so be it.

@beingsunny, you are stressed because you are taking on the emotions but are not in control so powerless.

You have to disengage, if your stress levels are very high then you have to protect yourself. Block discussions with your dp unless it is at a specific time, once or twice a week. Most of the drama will burn itself out within that time frame. Focus on the final hearing and only that, ths rest is just noise. Constantly elevate the conversation to the legal path you are on and for your own health have realistic expectations for the legal outcome. Have a mantra that says you are prepared for all outcomes and accept them.

Just be careful that this isn't becoming a power struggle between your dp and his ex. Remember that she was a very vulnerable woman at the time and her reactions may not have been positive but she did what she needed to at the time. Maybe she is toxic, unwell or she was coping as best she knew. Try to avoid thinking of her as one dimensional "toxic" as if you can view her with empathy it will help you feel less victimised.

Yes, an interim hearing is reliant on both parents agreeing on something, they then have a judge sign off on those interim orders. as this started at such a young age, he just took whatever contact she would offer.

Don’t get involved. You cannot possibly know what went on in their marriage, you only have one side, and even though your dp thinks he is telling you the truth, he won’t know or be able to describe how she felt.

Support his choices to deal with the situation as it is now, and leave it at that.

As a PP suggests it’d be better to have set times to discuss this stuff, or at least for you to be able to enjoy things you’re doing - like seeing your friend - without disruption.

It sounds like you’ve spent a LOT of time listening to your DP, which has had a big cost for you. Some “boundaries” were probably not set at the start so it’s hard to adjust, but not impossible.

This isn't a stop parenting issue though.

This is all very recent and OP problem is merely anti it her and how she feels about the ex wife.

It's all very well and good saying she should get support as she has posted on the step parenting board but she has posted nothing about step parenting this kid and everting about hating the ex.

I think this board is very supportive of used properly, but what OP has posted is a mad jealous rant and nothing more.

a mad jealous rant really?

Thank you all for your helpful messages, I appreciate them. Will try to step back and set some boundaries.

a mad jealous rant really?

Yes really. Even the thread title is inflammatory, about soap and nothing to do with step parenting.

About OP

Op. I scanned and am horrified at the responses you are getting. This goes to show that very few empathetic step parents actually post and increasingly a vile portion of MNetters do. Please ignore them entirely.

They speak from a place of immense ignorance (unless any of you have gone through the family court system and fought for years, please don’t post stupid comments.)These sorts of proceedings taking years happens more often than people think, and because family court hearing content/ allegations etc are sealed, the lack of transparency about what goes on behind closed doors causes immense issues). There’s also far too many projections on here. Yes I’m sure some of you had abusive partners who then proceeded to gaslight and change the story. I’m sorry about that for you. That does not mean that is what is happening here.

If this man has gone from no contact to supervised contact to unsupervised contact to now (likely to get all the contact he is seeking), let me tell you that this woman has made some very serious allegations within the court system. They have taken a long time to investigate (and trust me based on my vast experience they investigate all child related allegations very seriously), and if contact has progressed, it has been proven that this mother had no basis to withhold contact and make the allegations she will have made. And will have been proven that contact with the father is in the children’s best interests.

These proceedings only take years if the above has happened. Now if she had a mental health problem that exacerbated it, that’s of course sad. But courts can also order medical/ psychological investigations if they that is of importance. The mother is evidently not in any way mentally unstable enough otherwise there would be safeguarding issues and the courts would be looking at removal of the child.

So on paper that’s not happening, the woman is fine and within weeks done a complete about face, having made her ex (and his partners) life a living hell. That to me snacks of nothing but manipulation of the court system. Which is rife if as a primary carer that is what you wish to do.

OP, your reaction is completely understandable. I have to run but I’ll be back with some pointers. Ignore the haters on this board.

And actually the ‘rant’ is entirely related to step parenting. There are many examples within the court system of when an ex wife has gone into ‘diabolical’ mode when the father of their children has met someone else and that person will now be around ‘their’ child. If people on this thread genuinely think that no parents (male or female) go high conflict because another partner is involved, you’re living in cloud cuckoo land.

Men and women alike can do into very destructive patterns of behaviour against a new partner. And so yes. As a step parent, learning to reset after this level of trauma is exceptionally hard. And very relevant to step parenting. The fact that you don’t like the terminology? Jog on.

Thank you so much @sassbott it's really nice to hear from you. It's pretty late here now so I'm off to bed but if you do have any thoughts or experience to help me with this it's very much appreciated.

OP you don't have parental responsibility towards you DP's daughter therefore you have absolutely no need to have any contact or any communication with his ex.

There is also no reason why his ex should come to your house and vice versa.

Make it clear to your OH that as she is the type to make allegations to protect you, your child and him plus his child when she is with any of you, then his ex is not to not allow her to come to your house and not given the house landline if there is one - his ex can use his mobile - plus you and your child will not have any form of contact and communication with his ex.

He needs to tell her his ex this both verbally and in writing putting your child's safety and security as the main reason for all this. Your child is vulnerable like her child simply because he is a child.

Once you feel that you and your child are safe from her, then go to counselling. Unfortunately you will always feel on edge until his ex starts behaving.

People on this board while they remember there is a step-child who needs protection always forget that there are other children in the family - sometimes younger - who need protecting from a male or female adult who doesn't know how to behave.

I know how you are feeling, believe I know!
You wrote:
We both know it's better for his daughter to have amiable parents who can talk etc and I agree, it's just all happened so fast I'm struggling with the turnaround.
And you are 100% correct. It is too sudden and you have no reason to trust that woman.
I also refused any meetings with my DSC abusive mentally unstable BM. She did not keep any of her promises ( example; we need to meet to set a positive example for children - reality - when we met she was abusive towards me and DP and made a child cry)
She blow another chance at the same way. No more. Its bad for children to be dragged and eye-witnessing their parents fighting or abusing each other.
There is no reason, moral or legal, you to meet her or have any meetings with her.

Maybe counselling is the answer, or vent to a friend, your feelings are understandable but ultimately not helpful or healthy, hard as it is I would try and move on and be pleased she is now being more reasonable, her mental health would have impacted her past behaviour , hopefully she is now in a better place. The most important thing is your step child building a good relationship with their dad so focus on supporting that.

Ok. Here is my advice.

1. get to counselling. For everyone who says this isn’t your child and it didn’t happen to you equally have not been in your shoes. Yes they’re correct, none of this stuff happened to you. But you were most likely your partners rock and supported him through all of it. It will have put an immense emotional and mental strain on you and your relationship. And that will have taken a toll on you. So separate to your DP and this woman, take some time out to process this with a counsellor. People telling you your feelings are not helpful have no empathy. Feelings are just that and cannot and will not be beaten by logic.

2. depending on the severity of the allegations made in family court against your DP and I can imagine they are serious given he is paying for a third party to facilitate handovers, there can be no going back to playing happy families. Once certain lines are crossed, co-parenting is taken off the table. Look up a term called parallel parenting. And also read up on parenting with a high conflict ex. Strict boundaries are required.

3. you and your partner are the number one team. Remember that and ensure you and your partner are on the same page. Situations like this can mean you and he start to argue. Don’t allow this to make that happen. Before he makes any big decisions about what ongoing communications etc look like with her, he needs to talk to you. And again if needed, counsellors can help you navigate this next part as a couple. That allow you to continue to put the children’s needs first.

4. ignore the people (if I was right and there were serious allegations) who tell you it is in the children’s best interests for these to to get along. That’s ok for low conflict people. It’s the worst if attempting to parallel parent with a high conflict/ erratic individual. You are about to get a cast iron court order to secure time (great news that youre doing the school fri- mon) and that means contact with her needs to be absolutely minimal.

It’s kept to brief emails. Everything is in writing. No speaking. All child based.

Hope that helps x

I will add if I am incorrect about the allegations then my advice is not relevant. However I am yet to see a case that has taken years to resolve where allegations have not been involved.

And if these cases appear back in court where having faced serious allegations, both parties attempt to play happy families. The judge will be slightly askance at how anyone ever thought it was a good idea for the parties involved to be friendly.

Civil, brief, business like, child oriented written communications are all that are needed. No more, no less.

OP, the bias on these posts will be your partner is evil, you were probably the OW, and are now overstepping the step mum position because the child will be coming into your home, you have to put everything on a back burner because this child is the most important thing in the whole world...

As a partner of someone who’s ex is playing every trick in the book, who ear drops pure hate into anyone who will listen, I understand your complete distrust of your patients ex. She is trying to control you as her control over your partner has gone.

Take care of yourself, your partner and his child, make it a happy home and do not give one thought about their mother until it’s time to go back to her house...

if contact has progressed, it has been proven that this mother had no basis to withhold contact and make the allegations she will have made.

Courts rarely succeed in making factually accurate findings about abuse that occurred in secret behind closed doors. How could they?

Or are you suggesting that every single woman who reports rape where a perpetrator was not convicted made a false allegation?

All that has been proven is that something excruciatingly difficult to provide evidence for to a legal standard was not evidenced to that standard on this occasion.

Ignorance is extrapolating that to suggest it can only mean false allegations were made. They may well have been. But equally they may not.

She didn't prove that abuse occurred to the satisfaction of the humans passing judgement. But that's not the same as anyone proving that abuse did not occur.

In the context of the op it is valid for people to pick up on this.

Sass you are very wide of the mark about if contact has progressed allegations have been disproven.
I've had personal and professional experience of the family court system and its broken. Contact is given to abusers (not saying its the case here)

In my professional remit I know of a convicted paedophile who served 5 years being granted unsupervised contact eventually. The mum was even threatened with a reversal of residency if she continued to oppose it. Children are sacrificed at the alter of contact at all costs. Petrifying but sadly true.