Dealing with my rage towards his ex wife (sorry it's long)

[beingsunny]

Seeking advice,

My DP has been separated from us exw since she was around 6 months pregnant.
She does and has historically suffered from severe Mental health issues including anxiety and depression which she has been medicated for.

The relationship became very difficult, she became abusive emotionally and on a few occasions physically. She asked him to move out of their home during during her pregnancy, so he moved in with family a couple of streets away believing it was temporary. In hindsight he believes the change in her are as a result of the massive change in pregnancy hormones, or maybe prenatal depression.

She then cut all contact with him, refusing to tell him when their daughter was born and refusing any visitation.

After a couple of months he initiated court proceedings.

Since then she has refused contact, they have been in the family court with a number of interim hearings which has seen progression from no contact, to supervised contact to more recently unsupervised contact.

With the final hearing just a month away, she has realised that he will almost certainly get the time he is asking for (every other weekend and half school holidays) and is playing nice, offering extra days and sleepovers for the first time.

This is great, but I’m really struggling with my rage towards her, my DP has been through hell for five years with me supporting him and all of a sudden she wants to meet for coffee and be on friendly terms.

For context he has engaged a contact service to facilitate all handovers (getting into debt as it’s so expensive) as she is so vindictive he’s been afraid of her fabricating some incident.

I also have a child from a previous marriage and am on great terms with ex and his partner so this has been bewildering that a mother can wilfully deprive a child of her father.

Sorry this is long but does anyone have any advice how to deal with my emotions. I know it’s unhealthy and it’s pushing my anxiety through the roof whenever her name is mentioned.

I don’t want her in my house or near my son, usually you keep away from toxic people like this but I can’t, she’s in our lives now and I need to deal with it.

And yes, I am considering Councelling.

Tbh were you left when you were 6 months pregnant op? Not exactly a prince to leave someone pregnant at 6 months were suffering with pre natal depression.

Sorry this is long but does anyone have any advice how to deal with my emotions

None of this is about you.

I read it as she asked him to leave not that he left by choice?

I feel for you; I find it hard to smile and be nice to my DHs ex when I’ve been there when he’s been upset by her making seeing his DD difficult. I find it easier to see as little of her as possible as I don’t want my feelings towards her to effect mine towards DSD and I think that’s really important as is children not knowing how you feel about their parent as that wouldn’t be fair.
Nowadays I let it flow over me a bit, as DSD has become a teenager she tends to arrange her time with us directly which has been a long time coming but also reminds me that once she’s an adult it’ll be 100% her.

Chaos we don't know he left her. From my reading of the post it sounded more like she got rid of him. In which case your post is a bit mean.

OP she doesn't need to come to your house and neither of you need to have contact with her. Do it all through the contact centre.

You only have your DPs word for all that stuff about their past.

It's a pretty common tactic for abusers to claim their ex was mentally ill.

My ex H did it to me. He was very abusive. He told everyone I was mentally ill etc etc. He is currently charming with new girlfriend, she refuses to believe what he is really like. DS draws pictures of how abusive his is to him when girlfriend is at work, and how charming he is when girlfriend is around.

Sorry if my dh left me at 6 months pregnant I'd be seriously pissed off and it would probably effect my mental health . Put yourself in her shoes , yes she needs to move on and work together for the sake of her child but so do you and you need to incourage your partner to do the same .

She told him to leave, it wasn't his decision. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
And it does affect me, my DP and I live together and his daughter is spending time at our home. For several years it's been a bitter fight and in two weeks that has all done a 180 and I'm struggling with the changes. I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with my feelings, I don't want to continue feeling this way as it's unhealthy for me and my relationship.

Five YEARS? Is that how long the legal proceedings take? How old is your partner’s DC?

Sounds like you became way too involved in your bf’s (now partner’s) issues and could benefit from taking a step back. It’s good that the legal stuff is almost sorted.

And also just noticed the physical and emotional abuse elements but as he's a bloke and youre a stepmother, you'll both still be in the wrong to some! Agree with pp- do it all through the contact centre.

It comes down to there being two sides to every story. I am seeing pregnant, refusing contact followed by supervised visits as red flags. Was he violent to her?

What I am saying is keep an open mind towards her. She might have had a damn good reason to keep your ex away, you might just not know it yet.

Presume your DP is going through with the legal hearing to get a formal arrangement in place?

Why would she come to your house?
And i agree he should not be going for coffee etc! Keep her at arms length.

She sounds very ill. I imagine her medication for her mental health had to be changed shen pregnant, and this was the outcome from that.

Blimey MN bias at its best.

Yes we are in Australia and the family courts here are very full.
I have read all the court evidence and am fully aware of all the past details, he is not an abusive man.
I'm not looking for a who did the wrong thing debate as I've had this conversations with him where perhaps he could have supported her better etc. but hindsight is a wonderful thing and he did what he thought was best at the time, never expecting her to do this.

Remember OP, 3 sides to every story.

She has refused to do halfway changeovers, insisting they be at our homes, she met my neighbours on Saturday while i was out.

OP - please ignore the posters who aren't contributing positively. I appreciate where you're coming from.

My DH's ex decided to withdraw contact when our eldest child was born. My DD was in NICU for 6 weeks and very poorly. Whilst we were coming to terms with her life limiting illness, DH also had to pursue contact through the courts. It added to an already very stressful time.

It has been very hard not to give any headspace to a woman who had behaved in such a vile manner. But you do have to shut it out. Your DP seems to be handling things well and moving forwards, if a civil relationship can be established, it's good for you, your DP and you and the children.

I'll not meet for coffee with someone who has said pretty nasty things about me. I have nothing to do with DH's ex and try my best to keep out of any conversations with/involving her.

Well there's no way you can change your feelings towards her. The only thing you can do now is try and relax, knowing that you don't have to see her once the visitation has been set up. You don't ymhave to have contact with her, your bf doesn't either tbh, but he might chose to to make things easier.

@Zampa thank you, I posted in the step parenting board because I know how MN can be and was hoping for responses from women who had experienced similar

@Thestrangestthing that's exactly it, we both know it's better for his daughter to have amiable parents who can talk etc and I agree, it's just all happened so fast I'm struggling with the turnaround

I would agree to ignore the people not contributing positively; I always thought this board was about getting support as a step parent but unfortunately a lot of people seem to misunderstand that

I suppose you have to remember that this happened primarily to your husband and it daughter. In fact this little girl was the main victim of this.

It was awful, and I know you must feel rage on his behalf but he has to find a way to manage a civil relationship with her for the sake of his child. Therefore you need to get passed this.

Every time she comes round remember this little girl will pickup on any and all tension. Smile be polite for her sake.