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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Finding the balance

30 replies

May0 · 10/01/2020 11:46

Hi I'm new to this. So bare with me.
My sd recently said to my dh that she feels we favour our daughter over her because he does bike rides with our daughter and no longer with sd.

Over the years (sd is a twin) her and her brother have come over less. It used to be every weekend, school holidays and Bank Holidays, but in recent years as they have gotten older we've expected more from them. Their mom says they don't have to stay over so now they only visit.

This has changed the dinamic and definitely affected our 4 year old. So when they're not here we like to do age appropriate things with the 4 year. We do days out all together too, but it's easier to entertain a 4 year old than a teenager.

I don't want sd to feel left out, but altermatly if they don't come what can we do?

My dh reaches out to them every week. Ss hardly ever responds, sd does now and then.

I don't want her to feel left out and less favoured, but I also don't want me and my dh to always feel guilty when we plan stuff when their not here. I definitely feel guilty, but feel it's important for me to do things with my daughters also. Sorry to ramble

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Annaminna · 10/01/2020 12:30

hi,
I am very interested about those treads when people are talking about blended families and dynamic in those families.
You are starting with words:
My sd recently said to my dh that she feels we favour our daughter over her because he does bike rides with our daughter and no longer with sd.
May I ask please, why those bike rides with sd stopped?

Pipandmum · 10/01/2020 12:31

How old are they?

Magda72 · 10/01/2020 12:33

What she are they & what exactly do you mean by "expect more from them"?

Magda72 · 10/01/2020 12:38

Age not she! 🙄

doodleygirl · 10/01/2020 12:44

When my SC were young teens my DH would let them know what plans we had and if they wanted to join in, this kept them involved and it felt inclusive to all. He would also meet up with them regularly for cinema trips and one on one time. My SD was a swimmer so he took her to most of the meetings.
What does your DH to ensure he is involved in their lives?

Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 12:46

Sorry she is 14 now

Bike rides stopped because they never ate breakfast. Only ate frosties. We tried to introduce different varieties of cereal. Sd in particular would rather starve. Settled on toast, but dh tried, but she wouldn't have the stamina to maintain bike rides so they stopped. This stopped before our daughter was born

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Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 12:48

My dh has tried introducing other things they can do together, but is always rejected. He will ask them what their interested in, but it's received with shrugs

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Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 12:49

It's not much, but regularly goes on walks with them one on one hoping they'll open up, but not a lot transpires

OP posts:
crochetandshit · 10/01/2020 12:51

Her dad stopped taking her out because she didn't eat breakfast?
How long are these bike rides exactly that a 4yo can manage but a teen that isn't hungry can't?
That is one of the strangest things I've read on here tbh Hmm

Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 12:53

Things we expected them to do was tidy their room. Chores to earn pocket money. Keep us updated with school work

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 10/01/2020 12:53

Bike rides stopped because they wouldn’t eat breakfast, what a load of tosh. Pack some snacks and off they go.
It sounds as if your DH is not pro active enough. 14 year olds are difficult anyway but now is the time he needs to ensure they spend time together, if it doesn’t get better now, it will be so difficult to get the relationship back in the future.

Out of interest when SD expressed a desire to go cycling with him why did he not grab that opportunity?

Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 12:55

They varied in times. He didn't like taking them out on an empty stomach.

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Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 12:59

They have bikes, she took her bikeapart and never put it back together. Their mom bought them bikes also and he said ride them up, let's plan something, but they dont.

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Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 12:59

He's very proactive

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crochetandshit · 10/01/2020 13:00

My teen dd hasn't eaten breakfast in years. She hasn't collapsed through fatigue yet.
I don't eat until late morning mostly.

She was ASKING to go on bike rides with her dad, he wouldn't take her because of an issue in his own head and is now surprised she's pulled back?

Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 13:01

To be honest I think it may be more about one on one time rather than the bikes anyway

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PleaseGiveMeAShake · 10/01/2020 13:01

Your sd is telling you and dh how she would like to bond with her dad ie. Bike rides.
And you and her father are putting conditions on that, when right now she needs you and dh to be open and willing to meet her needs.

I don't think you should be focusing on disaplin when you both don't see her very often. The focus should be bonding.

lunar1 · 10/01/2020 13:01

Read your posts as if someone else wrote them, sometimes we get so stuck in our own issues that we miss really daft things.

She'd probably stay more if she was allowed to eat her Frosties and go out on her bike with her dad. I'm sure it wasn't meant that way, but it was horrible to stop for that reason.

Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 13:11

That didn't stop them from coming, he's always done activities with them, experiments, forest walks and they have been on bike rides since. Just not as frequent. She has said she doesn't stay because there isn't a TV in the room, but she shares with her younger sister so we don't want a TV in there. We got them laptops and said they can watch shows on there

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AgnusandMagnus · 10/01/2020 13:31

I think you need to find your own motivation in this OP. I'm a stepmum too and it can be very easy to get dragged into defended your DH on blooming Mumsnet. But why even ask? It's on your DH to maintain a relationship with his kids and it sounds like he's failed. Maybe that's worrying you? Or you're worried about what your role has been in all this? No one can tell you from a few sentences what the answer is but it sounds a bit heartbreaking. I'd make your home as welcoming as it can be for your stepkids but it sounds like that ship has sailed. I'd just focus on your own DD and DH.

Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 13:38

I wouldn't say he failed. I think we can all agree we've made mistakes as parents and calling someone a failure is rather harsh. Sometimes it's different from the outside looking in and things can definitely be rectified. Like previously mentioned there are other reasons they choose not to stay. Thank you all for your advice. Let's all be kind and we're all trying. Who knew parenting would be this tough eh! BTW what does OP stand for please?

OP posts:
AgnusandMagnus · 10/01/2020 14:02

OP is the "original poster" or whoever started the thread. I really wasn't trying to be harsh. From what you've written it sounds like a your DSD is being taken literally and there's a defence being mounted to rebut her claim about the bike riding. If he wants a relationship he needs to find a way to hear her. She's a child trying to communicate what is probably a complex set of feelings. The examples she gives will be easy to pick apart and "disprove" but that will only lead to her feeling unheard and distancing herself further. Finding a way to connect with her would be a great step even if it involves sugary cereal.

When my stepkids came to us a long time ago now they wanted the things that were familiar to them because that's what makes them feel safe. Hearing that what mum gives you isn't good for you translates into she isn't looking after you. While it may be true it sets up a huge amount of conflict in a child. So my stepkids wanted sugary cereal and DH and I decided no because I didn't want out some thinking that was ok. DSS just stopped eating. So we decided to make it a treat that we only had it when the stepkids came and my son was over the moon because we don't usually have it. We then bargained with them that we'd have the sugary cereal if they'd eat a piece of fruit too. The relationship had to come first. It's a real shame your DSD lost out on the bike rides over line in the sand over cereal. It became a power struggle that didn't need to happen. Maybe he can fix her bike for her or get a new one or whatever and take her on a ride. She's clearly missing the connection.

Original poster
May0 · 10/01/2020 14:11

Thank you. That advice was better received and good points were made. I'm sure you can understand that maybe saying my husband made a 'mistake' rather than 'failed' defences wouldn't be up. I'm sure they will rectify plans have already been put into motion 😊

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aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2020 14:19

It's absolutely fine to do activities with your daughter when they are not there, especially if they were invited and said no, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. The problem is that he is expecting more of them due to their age, which is quite right, but is not affording them the respect that goes along with that. At her age, if she doesn't want breakfast she is old enough to make that decision and deal with it if she gets hungry. When I was a teenager I couldn't stomach food in the morning and often skipped breakfast.

It's fine to get them to do chores but he shouldn't be babying them at the same time. Just invite them to things and they can choose whether they come and whether they should eat beforehand.

Dontdisturbmenow · 10/01/2020 17:29

He didn't like taking them out on an empty stomach
So that was that? It's not surprising she is associated the end of these bike rides as a rejection because, well, it really does sound like an excuse indeed. As already said, they could take snacks.

I do long rides and I too don't like to eat before. I actually find that I have more stamina when I don't. Surely if this was causing an argument, the best thing to do would have been to take her on an empty stomach and see what happened.

In any case, her bringing it up was most likely a cry for more attention. It might have been very hard for her to bring it up, so it shouldn't be dismissed or undermined. You are however absolutely right that it shouldn't elicit guilt either.

Your OH needs to listen to her and agree on things they could do together, regularly, just the two of them.