Finding the balance

[May0]

Hi I'm new to this. So bare with me.
My sd recently said to my dh that she feels we favour our daughter over her because he does bike rides with our daughter and no longer with sd.

Over the years (sd is a twin) her and her brother have come over less. It used to be every weekend, school holidays and Bank Holidays, but in recent years as they have gotten older we've expected more from them. Their mom says they don't have to stay over so now they only visit.

This has changed the dinamic and definitely affected our 4 year old. So when they're not here we like to do age appropriate things with the 4 year. We do days out all together too, but it's easier to entertain a 4 year old than a teenager.

I don't want sd to feel left out, but altermatly if they don't come what can we do?

My dh reaches out to them every week. Ss hardly ever responds, sd does now and then.

I don't want her to feel left out and less favoured, but I also don't want me and my dh to always feel guilty when we plan stuff when their not here. I definitely feel guilty, but feel it's important for me to do things with my daughters also. Sorry to ramble

Oh good lord. I used to be a long distance runner and did just fine with a few bananas and an energy drink on early morning runs when I didn’t have time to have a big breakfast and wait for it to digest.

(Truth be told I ducked breakfast so that after the run I had a greasy bacon butty and sweet cup of tea from the food truck in the national trust car park...heaven).

I think if that is the reason bike runs stopped, you’ve missed out and I suggest that perhaps an apology is in order? Along with an attempt to reinstate bike rides with no caveat on what someone ‘must’ eat for breakfast. She’s not a toddler and is more than capable of making these decisions. And who cares whether the bike ride is long? Or whether it’s short and they end up sitting on a bench, hanging out and watching the world go by? They’re together at least aren’t they?

Pick your battles OP. Frosties is not the battle worth picking IMO.

Here are my thoughts:

It's fine to do stuff with your DD when your step kids aren't around.
If DSD has said she'd like to go on a bike ride with you, that's a lovely idea and it would be nice to say yes.
DH needs to keep on reaching out to them and understand he may not always get a response - teens are like that.
It's silly to insist teens eat breakfast- they are old enough to decide for themselves. Don't worry about them exercising on an empty stomach.

Good luck OP. Step parenting his hard!

Bike rides stopped because they never ate breakfast. Only ate frosties. We tried to introduce different varieties of cereal. Sd in particular would rather starve. Settled on toast, but dh tried, but she wouldn't have the stamina to maintain bike rides so they stopped. This stopped before our daughter was born

This is a load of old bollocks, sorry.

First, fasted exercise is good for you.

Second, natural consequences are good for children. They don't eat, they feel hungry, they choose differently next time.

Third, a teenager can put two and two together. This is clearly an excuse.

The breakfast is a poor excuse to stop the bike rides.

Your DH will end up with his DC having less and less to do with him.

He already was only seeing them part of the time, then something nice they did together stops.

Is he bothered about the deterioration in their relationship? If so, he needs to make an effort to reach out and open up communication with his DC.

I reckon the problem now is, he's become a bit too far removed from his kids, he doesn't know what they actually enjoy doing.

Your SD was really brave say what she did.... its down to your DH to do something if he gives a damn. He needs a lot of emotional intelligence to deal with this, otherwise it will affect his DD way into adulthood.

"Your DH will end up with his DC having less and less to do with him."

TBF it sounds like the DSS is already there. He just hasn't been able to articulate it at all. At least DSD is trying. DSS seems to have shut down and disengaged. Your DH has a lot of listening and rebuilding to do if he wants to have a relationship with his son.