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Original poster

His daughter pretends we don’t exist - 18 months on

51 replies

DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 18:58

I’ve been with my DP for just over 18 months. He was separated for four years prior to meeting me, but stuck in an abusive coercive control situation (with DV incidents with police involvement). He’s now a year into a high conflict divorce with his Ex - now having to take her to court as she refuses to progress financial matters. Seems his Ex will do whatever it takes to prevent the divorce from happening.

He looks after his 13 year old daughter 10-12 nights a month, when his Ex is working. His Ex is often difficult about handover timings and constantly sends him abusive texts and emails. She has told appalling lies to their daughter about me and my kids, some of which his daughter has questioned and now knows that her mother has lied about us.

When he told his daughter about me (after 6 months) she was initially happy and keen to meet all of us. But as soon as his Ex found out he’d told her ...all hell broke loose. We waited 8 months before meeting up and had a nice day out all together - but as soon as she got home the Ex kicked off screaming and shouting down the phone at both of them - and so we have only seen her a couple of times since - and only very briefly. Any attempt to meet up is now prevented/derailed.

He spoke to his daughter about meeting up again recently and it seems that she would rather pretend we don’t exist. I’m guessing because it’s just easier - not to deal with any further fallout from her mother.

My partner now lives his life in two parts. His time with his daughter and his time with me and my two children. He finds doing things together with me and my kids difficult, so we tend not to: he won’t go to the cinema with us and even finds shopping trips together difficult. My kids are 13 and 17 so it’s easy enough to do things separately.

I’m obviously very sad about this situation and all the unnecessary damage and pain caused by one very jealous controlling person.

If we have to continue living our lives in two parts then I’ll make the best of it. We love each other very much and we intend to live together at some point (obviously impossible right now).

I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice / experience of this?

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 04/01/2020 19:01

Do you mean he won’t go on shopping trips/ cinema etc when he has his DD because it’s too difficult or even when she’s not with him? If she’s not with him is he able to engage in these things with you and your DC?

Aderyn19 · 04/01/2020 19:03

My advice is not to live together unless this situation gets resolved. It's unfair on your children to be put in a situation where your dp cannot face doing any 'family' activities with you and your DC because he misses his own so much.
I think he needs a solicitor - maybe go for full residency if he can prove she is lying to his child and being abusive about him to the child. Parental alienation is something the court should deal with.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:07

@MyNewBearTotoro

Sorry that wasn’t very clear - he finds it difficult going out with me and my two kids. Because he feels his DD should be there and isn’t. For example: my kids wanted to see Star Wars last week and he refused to come with us because his DD would be ‘missing out’.

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Peterspotter · 04/01/2020 19:07

This is strange.

He is either too scared to be seen with you all or it’s a cop out.

Maybe he is happy that there is this divide...

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:11

@Aderyn19 he’s had a whole year of solicitors and mediation - spent about 15K and got nowhere! He’s now taking her to court over finances. As far as court is concerned over child arrangements this is very dodgy as his DD is completely unreliable - she says stuff to please / appease her mother. He’s spoken to his solicitor at length about parental alienation and her opinion was that at age 13 and in the very confused state she’s in it would be tricky. Wishes of the child - she choses to ignore us basically.

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Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:12

@Peterspotter

No - you are wrong

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Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:14

I should add that he has tried to arrange counselling for his daughter and his Ex refused to allow it - the counsellor asked for permission from both parents.

So far she’s had nobody neutral and/or trained to talk to about this.

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Nanna50 · 04/01/2020 19:17

Do you have any time together without any children?

Techway · 04/01/2020 19:18

Why did he take so long to divorce? I think he needs to focus on the divorce and getting it finalised. It will help everyone to move onwards.

For now just support your partner having a good relationship with his daughter. Once that relationship is strong and divorce is finalised there will be a stronger foundation.

At 13 her views about seeing you have to be respected. It isn't really a big deal that he spends time alone with his daughter. If he struggles with time with your children then he needs to deal with that. Don't assume that if his daughter visited it would be happy families, blending is very difficult and not always successful.

18 months is still early days so just take time. If you plan to be together for 30 years a few years to help the children adjust is a small amount of time.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:18

@Nanna50 yes we do - Usually about every other weekend and Weds evenings, when my Ex has my kids.

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Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:29

@Techway It’s a very long story as to why they didn’t divorce before... Seems it was always a toxic / volatile / coercive situation... His Ex was seeing someone else 4 years ago - but they were still living in separate rooms in the marital home - and some of that time she was in another flat which she rented. He was paying the mortgage and inflated maintenance of £500 a month for one child and for all sorts of other extras. She refused to do to mediation and progress matters. Then her other relationship ended. It has been messy for a while. She’s an abusive, controlling person. Put simply: having your cake and eating it?

I’m his first proper relationship since they separated now almost 5 years ago - and therefore that is why he started the divorce process. He wants to move on with his life - with me. She has fought every step of the way and tried all kinds of tactics to avoid the divorce.

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Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:41

@Techway

All good sensible advice though - I accept that I may have to wait until she’s older to have a relationship with her.

And I’ve suggested my DP has counselling over the guilt he feels when he’s with my family.

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PurpleCrowbar · 04/01/2020 19:42

I suspect they weren't as separated as you think, if they were still living together. & he absolutely could just crack on & divorce her...anyway...

His arrangement with his dd is for him to resolve with her. If she doesn't want to have anything to do with her dad's gf, she doesn't have to - she's 13.

If he doesn't want to hang out with your dc, that's a totally separate issue. Do they want him to join family days to the cinema etc?

I think you really just need to give everyone their space & accept that living together may be a long way off - probably when everyone's teenagers have flown the nest tbh.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 19:48

@PurpleCrowbar coercive control prevents someone from just ‘cracking on’ - I was in a similar situation for 7 years... It’s really not that simple.

Yes to the not living together yet part - unless he can find a way to accept the situation.

I’m sure his daughter will change rapidly over the next few years, get a boyfriend, wider social circle, other interests, mature etc. At the moment she is coping with having every aspect of her own life micromanaged by her mother...

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Nanna50 · 04/01/2020 19:54

I think your title His daughter pretends we don’t exist is a bit misleading, it’s far more complicated than that.

I would stick to my time alone with him until the divorce comes through. Keep family outings and homes separate.

While I understand he may not want his DD to miss out, if he is not going to properly engage with your own DCs then I wouldn’t want my DC in the middle of it.

Don’t underestimate how coercive control could have affected him. And don’t let his problems affect your DCs.

MattBerrysHair · 04/01/2020 19:56

What a difficult situation. Your dp is still allowing his life choices to be dictated by his ex via his dd. The poor girl is in a horrible position. I imagine her relationship with her dm is very toxic and bullying, but she's the only mother she has and her sense of loyalty towards her will be very strong since she is just a child. I would honestly take a step back until your dp is able to see that his having a new relationship is nothing to feel guilty about. Of course, this may never happen while his ex continues to poison their dds opinion of you and he tries to over compensate her for that.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 20:08

@Nanna50 yes... I was really struggling with a succinct title. Tempted to simply write: Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I think I just put down the pointed part of the whole bloody saga without any backup info ... sorry about that!

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Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 20:16

@MattBerrysHair LOVE the name!!! Truly lush hair it is too...

Struggling with the backing off him - love him too much for that! But I agree I can’t push things with his DD.

Hopefully the court process will help and (fingers crossed) the divorce will come through later on this year.

His DD did say recently that she felt things would be easier once they are actually divorced, house sold etc. Ex is living back in the FMH and he has been renting a flat nearby since last summer.

She also said that she knows that I didn’t ‘steal him away from Mummy’ and that they hadn’t been a couple for years. Both of which his Ex had lied about recently.

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aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2020 20:37

If I were him I would just see her separately until you guys move in together, by which time she will be presumably be older and may feel very differently. She sounds like she is confused and doesn't resent you, but feels loyalty to her mum and is avoiding conflict. It's quite likely she will become more mature and assertive as she gets older and be able to decide for herself without being manipulated.

I would also say though that although I sympathise with his situation and he doesn't deserve it (my partner has also experienced parental alienation and currently sees his son less as a result), it's not great that he's using it as an excuse not to spend time with you and your kids. It doesn't give the impression he is as committed moving on with his life with you, if that was important to him he should be making the effort to put his feelings to one side. Remember, there are two sides to this blended family, and it's not just about you supporting him in his troubles with his daughter and ex, he should be trying to build good relationships with your kids so that all is good there at the same time. He is being self absorbed. If he is too consumed by his sadness about his daughter he needs to either work harder to change it or step away from you and your kids.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 22:18

he absolutely could just crack on & divorce her...anyway...

You need to be seperated 5 years in the UK to get a divorce without both parties consenting.

So if the Ex refuses to sign the papers he can't just crack on as you put it

OP... forget about a relationship with his DD for now.
Do things with your DC without your BF. Enjoy the time with them...as it'll go before you know it.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 22:36

@SandyY2K He did finally manage to get the divorce papers signed just over a year ago and the Nisi last Summer, BUT since then she’s refused to do finances and so he cannot apply for Absolute until after Court...

So there has been progress over the last year, just at a snail’s pace and accompanied by abusive messages.

In hindsight he should have waited another year and done a 5 year divorce, but he just wanted to get on with it.

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Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 22:41

@aSofaNearYou Yes - all noted - I’m trying not to put DP under further pressure - as he’s getting stress on all fronts. But you are right and I am upset about my kids part in this - having met a potential SS and a fun and positive day together and then nothing since. I’ve explained the situation as best I can and they seem to be OK about it, but the situation isn’t really balanced at present.

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Rainbowqueeen · 04/01/2020 22:42

I agree with the advice to play the long game and just let your DH focus on his relationship with his DD. He also needs some counselling about how he deals with your DC
But I also wanted to add I get the feeling his DD would like to spend time with you all but the fallout when she goes home to her mum is just so horrific it’s not worth it. Horribly damaging for the poor girl.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 23:03

@Rainbowqueen We do think that this is the case too... Interestingly she likes to borrow some of the shirts I’ve bought for him and does look at photos of us together (he has a few photos up in his flat) and shoes interest in stuff I leave in his flat or give him. I still bought her some small presents for Birthday and Christmas - she asked him to pass on thanks. But these moments are usually fleeting and when she’s spent time with her mother she’s noticeably different (won’t acknowledge us). Thing is, I don’t think it’s a good idea to cut her off entirely. I’m not in her face - but I’m not hidden either.

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Original poster
DaveTheDog · 04/01/2020 23:04

shows interest above...

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