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Original poster

Getting called mummy

48 replies

Wheelyyyy · 01/01/2020 12:23

Its too early days for me to post in step parenting but I figured this may be the best place for my advice request...

Me and new my partner have been together 4 months...still early days. About 3 weeks ago I met his children and met up with him and them a good few times now...movies, dog walks etc..

Last night he had the children (they share parenting 50/50) and I stayed over. The youngest aged 5 got into bed with us this morning and hugged me and said 'my mummy' when partner tried to hug me. This was after she'd asked a few unexpected questions so the mummy comment really bamboozled my head lol. I didnt correct her because i think shes just trying to, piece how we all fit together....but I will if she says it again. But what do I say??? Whats the best way of saying....thank you for calling me that but you already have a beautiful mummy but i am .....(who do i say I am...friend is wrong)
Partner scooped her up and distracted her from all conversation lol and then we just looked at each other in shock...

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lunar1 · 01/01/2020 12:37

Just say no, followed by your name. Don't you think 3 weeks is a little alarming for an unrelated adult to be in bed with a child. I'd have a very strong opinion on that if I was her mum.

TARSCOUT · 01/01/2020 12:40

Lunar totally agree!

Sotiredofthislife · 01/01/2020 12:47

Jesus bloody wept. Together 4 months and in bed with a child you met 3 weeks ago. Seriously?

sauvignonblancplz · 01/01/2020 12:49

What on earth ... This isn’t serious is it?

2020yQy · 01/01/2020 12:50

Aren’t these the sort of things you should have discussed before meeting your partner’s children? Lolz

fedup21 · 01/01/2020 12:55

That poor child-she sounds utterly confused.

GrapefruitGin · 01/01/2020 12:57

The child sounds incredible confused. That’s not normal behaviour. What did your dp say after?

Rhinosaurus · 01/01/2020 12:59

I have had this with my stepdaughter, you just say “you have a mummy, I am ” and repeat and move on as required.

Aposterhasnoname · 01/01/2020 13:01

I’m sorry, I don’t want to join in with the inevitable kicking you’re going to get, but I have to agree with what everyone else is saying. No way should the child be in bed with you after three weeks, and frankly, you shouldn’t even be staying over when the child is there.

inmyshoos · 01/01/2020 13:03

I think you will encounter many harsh replies given time scales.

However....i doubt your situation is unusual. I know in rl many people get together very quickly and meet children earlier than is ideal.

It's not ideal, the 5yo in bed but what do you do? Hop out quickly? Chase her out?
Your partner distracting her sounds sensible. But he needs to be clear with her that you are his girlfriend and she has a mummy.

Is he on good terms with the mother?

Bluebutterfly90 · 01/01/2020 13:05

Just say "I'm not mummy, I'm [name]".
It doesn't have to be a big thing, but it's best to get it sorted early on to not step on the mums toes.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 01/01/2020 13:09

I think much further down the line you can have a conversation sensibly about it. For now call yourself by your name but dont make a big thing of it. Dp is not my childrens father and he is called by his name. The DC occasionally slip and call him daddy but we correct if it's appropriate but mainly model the use of his name. If you make it a thing then it confuses them more.

However as others pp said , my DP didn't meet the DC for 18 months and even now 3 years later would absolutely not be in bed with them ...ever.

If my exdh let a woman he had known for 4 months and met the DC 3 weeks in bed with them she would not be having contact with them ever again. Seriously totally inappropriate.

It's a very hard gig being a step parent and I am amazed how beautifully my DP handles it, but frankly the rules are different. My DP knows and models he has to walk a very careful line. Be a grown up about this....its not playing happy families. If you cant do it responsibly dont do it.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 01/01/2020 13:11

In answer to one of the pp, yes you get out. Dp has done this many times . It doesn't have to be a big dramatic deal, and it shouldn't be every morning but yes the DP should get up , or take the child out of the bed (again subtly )

My DP is literally DBS checked that I have seen as we work together , I've seen his work references and have professional reason to know his background. However the DC have known him for a relatively short time. He still gets out of bed in this case

Clymene · 01/01/2020 13:12

You don't stay over when you've only been dating a man for 4 months, especially if you only met the children 3 weeks ago! It's not even as if he has them full time FFS

Both you and he are horribly irresponsible and incredibly selfish. Poor bloody kids

84claire84 · 01/01/2020 13:15

She sounds very confused.

Maybe you need to take a step back and stay over when he doesn't have the children until you get to know them all better.

Poor girl

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 01/01/2020 13:16

[inmyshoos] and [rhinosaurus] thank you for constructive advice....dp is on good terms with mother and she knew i was staying over last night with it being new years eve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 01/01/2020 13:19

[84claire84] thank you...yes I think thats a good idea. If it hadn't have been new years eve, I wouldnt have stayed over but we were doing new years things like charades and movie and goodies.

OP posts:
bevelino · 01/01/2020 13:22

I would hit the roof if I was the mother of the 5 year old and found out that my child had been in bed hugging a woman she had met just three weeks ago. You need to set boundaries.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2020 13:24

“You have a mummy, I’m xxx”

And slow things down!

We met the woman who became my step mum when my little sister went into my dad’s room in the morning and she was in his bed. Not ideal.

SimonJT · 01/01/2020 13:26

Just correct. My son will call anyone looking after him Daddy, no matter if they are a man or woman, so that’s a regular thing for me.

Just get out of bed when she gets in, that’s what we do when my partner stays over, you just have to remember to leave a blanket etc ready on the sofa before you go to bed.

Wishforsnow · 01/01/2020 13:57

You have crossed so many boundaries. I feel sorry for her mother and the poor confused child

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 01/01/2020 16:38

I wouldn't be ok with a woman being in bed hugging my child who they met just 3 weeks ago I be the mum doesnt know that. No wonder shes confused. You shouldn't have been staying over far too soon. You need to take a step back and regain boundaries.

aSofaNearYou · 01/01/2020 17:25

It's predictable that people have piled on to shout at you for being in bed with her, and very melodramatic. Actively choosing to cosleep with a child is not the same as them jumping onto the bed in the morning without asking, it sounds like you both did the right thing and moved things along, it's not the big drama people are acting like it is.

You're not the person to berate over the subject of whether you've met her too early, either, that was your partner's decision as the parent.

But yes, you do need to do pretty much what you suggested and tell her she has a mum and you are daddy's girlfriend/her friend, it's likely to cause a lot of complications if you don't.

stuffedpeppers · 01/01/2020 17:31

OP - too too much too soon.

My Ex - left my bed - where DCS would come in every morning to say hello and have a cuddle ( ages 4 and 6). Told me he was leaving on the Wednesday - did not tell the DCS!!
Me sitting there like a rabbit in the headlights - had not told the DCS
Saturday he comes round to take them out - I say what time will you be back. Door slammed.

he took them round to his and the OWS new house - they slept on a bed in the laundry, Dad now sleeping with mum of one of their friends and the door firmly shut.

Believe me the damage, confusion and hurt that caused is still having repurcussions 6 years later.

Slow down for everyones sake.

lovemenorca · 01/01/2020 17:32

So so so much wrong with the entire scenario I don’t know where to begin