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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Getting called mummy

48 replies

Wheelyyyy · 01/01/2020 12:23

Its too early days for me to post in step parenting but I figured this may be the best place for my advice request...

Me and new my partner have been together 4 months...still early days. About 3 weeks ago I met his children and met up with him and them a good few times now...movies, dog walks etc..

Last night he had the children (they share parenting 50/50) and I stayed over. The youngest aged 5 got into bed with us this morning and hugged me and said 'my mummy' when partner tried to hug me. This was after she'd asked a few unexpected questions so the mummy comment really bamboozled my head lol. I didnt correct her because i think shes just trying to, piece how we all fit together....but I will if she says it again. But what do I say??? Whats the best way of saying....thank you for calling me that but you already have a beautiful mummy but i am .....(who do i say I am...friend is wrong)
Partner scooped her up and distracted her from all conversation lol and then we just looked at each other in shock...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

inmyshoos · 01/01/2020 23:26

stuffed that sounds horrendous and I'm sorry you were subjected to such shitty behaviour.

However the op's situation is quite different and do far no one is being unkind which us the most damaging imo.

The fact that the op's partner and child's other parent get on is to be applauded and I'm sure they will do their best to make sure the dc are OK with the situation.

CircleofWillis · 01/01/2020 23:33

5 years is a bit old for the child to be making that kind of mistake. How long ago did they split up. Do you think she could have been sleepy and thought you were her mother?

As PPs have said. Just correct gently saying 'I'm not Mummy, I'm Wheelyyy'.

But it is VERY early to be meeting children and staying over when they are with him.

WhereDidThisComeFrom · 02/01/2020 23:35

I met ds when he was five. Four years after his parents separating and one year of me and DH getting together.

They are young and confused. We explained I am not a mummy when he tried calling me such, but that i was someone that cared and loves him a lot. That he only has one mummy.

Just breathe. This is all moving very quickly for young children. Take a step back, for your sake and theirs.

Be there, care, love them. But don't try and fill a hole that is already being filled. They have a dad and mum. He is just getting confused.

Louise91417 · 02/01/2020 23:45

So after just over 3months together you are having days out with partner and his kids, 4months later kids are seeeing you both together in bed together and you are getting called mummy...whoa! Way too soon! And id be really concerned at dad being ok with his kids being introduced to you so soon. Does this happen with every relationship he is in? Could explain youngest childs confusion

Grobagsforever · 04/01/2020 14:36

I too do not understand the hysteria about the little girl climbing into bed for a cuddle, assuming everyone was wearing PJs. How is it different to the sofa? Kids don't see beds as sexual.

Yes OP met kids and stayed over too soon. But the bed thing is just illogical pearl clutching. Some kids naturally cuddle adults they haven't known all the long,

GertiMJN · 04/01/2020 14:53

Snuggling in bed is an 'intimate' activity that is usually restricted to very familiar and trusted adults. Family members, old family friends staying over etc.
Just because its a boyfriend/ girlfriend wouldn't change my attitude to that, and as the child only met the OP 3 weeks ago she doesn't fit in the very familiar, trusted adult category. Its about teaching appropriate boundaries.

The OP should have been building that relationship gradually, so that basics like what does the child call her, were were established way before the child climbed into bed for an early morning cuddle.

Grobagsforever · 04/01/2020 15:45

@GertiMJN would you feel the same about snuggling on the sofa? I'm looking at this through a logical lens, rather than projecting a load of cultural nuance which kids don't care about

GertiMJN · 04/01/2020 16:00

Grobags
Actually yes I would.

I'm not being paranoid about abuse or anything, just saying that
I think that OP and her dp have fast forwarded things because it was new years eve ...
OP only met dp 4 months ago, and the dc 3 weeks ago.
They haven't given time for relationships to develop slowly and naturally.
The 5 year old doesn't seem to have had a chance to process what's happening. Its quite odd for a 5 year old to leap to calling a new girlfriend "mummy" ....

daydreambeleiver · 04/01/2020 16:05

It seems soon and the kid was confused as to what to call you but there's lots of hysteria here. I would simply say to her that she should call you xxxx and that her mummy is at her other house.

It's understandable though, my dog is confused enough! My kids always called the step grandparents by their name and call my stbexh and my new partners by name (my dc are adults). They were introduced after a month

Pogmella · 04/01/2020 19:55

That’s way too soon to see you both in bed together. DP stayed over when my DC were small and we’d only dated a few months but he arrived after they were asleep, they had stair gates on their rooms and he set an alarm to be up at 5 and cycle home so they were entirely unaware. Later he met them, then we suggested he had tea with us and then stop over- months later.

IdiotInDisguise · 04/01/2020 22:34

They are used to use the word mum so often they don’t realise they do.

DSS called me mum when he was excited, I knew he had not even noticed. DS wrote a Christmas card to EXH’s partner as Dear Mum when he was 5, which obviously everyone read too much into it. When I asked him if he had, he just look a bit embarrassed and said that mum only had three letters while her name had far too many 😁

Laugh it off, no need to make an issue out of it.

Kfstani · 12/01/2020 09:26

The first time I met my step children 3 and 5 years at the time after 9 months... I had this happen. My partners daughter asked if I'd be her new mummy. I work with children so was confident to be honest and reply in an appropriate child friendly way. I just said I will be your friend you only get one mummy and mummy is special to you. As the relationship progressed the conversations developed. I'm very lucky to have a good relationship with their mum. Everyone is amicable and friendly. We've now been together 2 years and we've had the conversation about me being their step mum. I was asked are you our step mum... In which I was honest and said yes sort of... If I married daddy I would be your step mum etc. It hard to respect boundaries and know how to manage relationships and can be very complicated. I think a negative response such as these you have recieved isn't constructive. This is her experience and we should all understand the struggle and difficulties when trying to fit into an already made family. Time scales are different for everyone. I would just suggest being very respectful to the mother of the child as this will benefit relations in the long run. As long as your respectful and mother of the child is aware of events etc. Times scale shoud not be an issue. Like she said it was new years eve.

Annaminna · 13/01/2020 16:14

Let them call you whatever they want to call you. Like people said here: they know who is their mum, its not a problem. They only trying to put jigsaw pieces together.

And remember 90% people here are bitter ex-wives who's biggest nightmare is that their child will love someone enough to call her "my new mummy" or "my second mummy" or even "step-mummy"

Don't encourage them to call you with those names for sake to getting a furious reaction from they mum, but do not say "No, I am not your mum" they will take it as "no I don't want to love you, stay away!"

CircleofWillis · 16/01/2020 05:02

Annaminna that is ridiculous advice. Children shouldn't be calling step mums 'mummy' unless their own mother is not around. Especially when the 'stepmum' is their dad's girlfriend of 4 months.

It would be far more damaging to have the new 'mummy' disappear out of their lives than to be told "I'm not mummy, I'm Alice."

Annaminna · 16/01/2020 14:42

They know she isn't their mum.
They are only asking: will you love us?

CircleofWillis, You might be surprised how often younger children are using that word in mean : love and care us please!

As a mum you hate that, but do you really want your child feel insecure around their dads place? 4 moths in or 14 months.

Good news is; most of times BioMothers don't find out that their children are calling new girlfriends "mum"

notthisshitagain · 16/01/2020 16:02

@Annaminna at 4 months in, the children shouldn't be under any expectations that this virtual stranger will love and care for them.

It's not a "mum" thing. I wouldn't ignore my child calling someone dad after such a short period, or any period, as he has a dad and I respect his role. This child has a mum. However, I wouldn't introduce a new partner and have them saying over at this early stage either.

My child, aged 13, bought a "mum" card for his SM for Mother's Day. (Couldn't find an SM card) His dad suggested he get another. I actually thought it was quite sweet that he had bought her that, and wouldn't have had any issue with him giving it to her, but that's because she has loved and cared for him for a number of years and he is old enough not to be confused, and thankfully hadn't been exposed to numerous "mum's" over the years.

20wedding19 · 16/01/2020 16:30

Slightly different scenario but I have been a nanny to a 3 year old since the child was 5 weeks old. Both parents have periods where they work abroad so I proxy parent a lot. Child calls me mum a lot. I just say - I love you but I am 20wedding19

Annaminna · 17/01/2020 09:14

@notthisshitagain
I have a feeling that Mothers most of times don't know what they want.
I am with my partner for 2,5 years now but when we were seeing each other only aprox 4-5 months in, his Dc's mom requested to meet me.
(Those two never dated, he provided sperm for a 42 year old and later become 50/50 dad because he wants to know his child)
She found out that he is dating through social media and said she needs to meet the woman "Who will be the step mother to her DC"
The dad and I weren't even sure that we will have anything long term going on. I didn't not know yet do I want to date that guy for long term at that point. I had no interest to spend any time with his kid or be involved at all with the child. She already refer me as "the future step-mother"
I refused that meetup with those reasons and she kicked off big time why "future step mom" will not meet her.
Two years later when we become more serious and I actually met that child and now spending time with them, she is not interested to meet me or talk to me at all and with reason: "Why I should meet or talk to someone who already spends time with my DC?" (How that makes any sense at all?)
The Child's mother keeps referring to me as "step-mother" but told to my partner that he has to make sure his son won't call me "step mum" or "mother".

I gave up long time ago with trying to work out how her brain is working.

angell84 · 18/01/2020 01:12

Don't say bluntly to a child "I am not your mummy". What is wrong with people on here!

Say "sweetheart - your mummy is (name). I am your step mummy, you can call me (your name). Say it very kindly and politely to a child.

carly2803 · 17/02/2020 16:30

too much too soon!

I would go mad if someone did not (in a child way) correct the "im not your mumm im x"...
they have one mum and OP you sound like you would be steppingi on toes at some point!

CathyTre · 17/02/2020 17:53

My step daughter is sixteen and her mum died when she was eight - she’d still never refer to another woman as “mum” or “mummy”! That’s what she called her very much loved actual mummy!

CathyTre · 17/02/2020 17:55

She still refers to her as “mummy” actually. She never got a chance to get to the stage where she’d transitioned it to “mum” 😢 which is how my stepson who was twelve when she died refers to her.

SD1978 · 17/02/2020 18:12

At three weeks of a 'relationship' with them and the child being 5 they should not be calling you mummy- you're most definitely not, and wouldn't be for a very long time. I'd be more concerned for a 5 year old who didn't recognise family members as different from friends or partners of parents, and used overfamiliar in appropriate terms. Has your boyfriend or his ex introduced them to all their pet bets this quickly and have their been a few of them?

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