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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Maybe stepparenting is a gift?

56 replies

C1239 · 01/01/2020 12:14

New Year... want to try and generally have a more positive attitude.. two stepchidren under 10 (not married to my partner but live together and been together over 5 years) , very lucky to generally get on great with the children who we have with us regularly and a civil relationship with their Mum.

Has anyone ever thought before that actually stepparenting could be seen as a gift?! To feel lucky to have a lovely partner and be able to help bring up these children whilst also having time for one to one time with your partner to keep the relationship strong?

There always seems to be negatively about stepparenting, it would just be nice to hear more people see the positives in it?!

OP posts:

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funinthesun19 · 01/01/2020 23:01

I wouldn’t call stepparenting a gift. You can get on really well with your stepchildren and have a good relationship with them, but on the whole the stepmum role is very difficult and comes with so many complications. So if anything it’s more like a slog than a gift.

FredaNerkk · 01/01/2020 23:42

Apart from the late primary years, being a SM is generally thankless. But I love my two SDCs! They are definitely gifts.

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 01/01/2020 23:47

My DSD is only ten and she’s a little superstar. She comes on holiday with us and my extended family, she’s fab with my son and her mum is lovely. She gives me clothes for my son which her son has outgrown! Yeah we might parent slightly differently but on the whole we middle along pretty happily. I think we’re very lucky.

Louise91417 · 01/01/2020 23:47

09JacquesHammer what a lovely thing to say

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/01/2020 09:30

My DSD has been a joy. I first met her when she was 7. She's married now with her own DC and we're so close. I have two DS and the three of them call each other brother and sister. She's been a gift - and a blessing.

aSofaNearYou · 02/01/2020 10:46

Haha I'd love to have something positive to add but this has not been my experience, no.

In fact, as time goes on I have felt increasingly irritated at the world at large (and particularly the parents in question) assuming it's a gift, when really it should be quite obvious that it's a huge sacrifice that's likely to be quite shit for anyone that isn't a special kind of saint.

The prevailing "you're so lucky to have them in your life" mentality, which makes it really awkward and "shocking" to admit that actually it's really tough, must make a lot of step parents feel very lonely.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 02/01/2020 11:25

Unfortunately for me it is not a gift, more a thankless task (and I have really tried).
It is nice however to see that some people have positive experiences.

BigOldOakTree · 04/01/2020 09:26

Its good to read positive experiences of step parenting, but even more gratifying to read that those of us who find it incredibly difficult and lonely are not alone. There is very limited support on Mumsnet for step mums, but there is some.

hotstepper4 · 04/01/2020 09:32

I used to think this. When I met my dsc, my dsd was 5, dss1 was 4, and dss2 was 1. My ds was 3. Don't get me wrong, it was a complete handful but they were so sweet, we were a happy blended family.

Fast forward 6 years however, my dsd is now a stroppy, moody preteen who goes months without contacting dh just because she thrives on drama. My dss1 is now 10 and was diagnosed with Asbergers syndrome when he was 5, and my dss2 is nearly 7 and is the most defiant child I know.

Don't get me wrong, I still love them. But I look at old photo's of us, smiling together at Legoland /sealife centre /Disneyland and it seems like another life ago. I am completely defeated and as much as I love dh I would have run in the opposite direction on the day I met him.

StormBaby · 04/01/2020 09:40

My step kids are completely integrated into family life here. We have them every weekend and 80% if the holidays. I love having a busy house and I do over compensate as they don't have much at home. Having said that my stepdaughter is a challenge, can't wait for the teenage years!! I console myself with the fact that she's much, much worse at her mums, especially with her stepdad there. I think I'm a calm port for her a lot of the time as I don't ever lose my shit with any of the kids and she thrives off that.

tisonlymeagain · 04/01/2020 09:41

@NorthernSpirit I am also a HER.

I wouldn't say I could class having "step children" as a gift. I don't actually class then as my step children as we're not married although they live with us 50/50. I have my own children and what I feel for them is poles apart. We all get on okay but I don't feel a whole lot for them and I don't parent them.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 04/01/2020 10:58

That's an interesting point @tisonlymeagain. We're expected to somehow love our stepkids like they're our own. And if we don't, we've somehow failed.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2020 11:13

Its good to read positive experiences of step parenting, but even more gratifying to read that those of us who find it incredibly difficult and lonely are not alone.

So true.

tisonlymeagain · 04/01/2020 11:30

Exactly @chocolatesaltyballs22 Maybe I will love them one day? Who knows. I know my partner feels more for my children than I do for his, and he is aware of how I see things. They're nice enough children but I don't feel any different towards them as say I do towards my friend's kids.

It's difficult, I don't see us as a 'family'. I feel like my family is me + my children, which is going to be interesting as I'm currently pregnant with our first child together.

LatentPhase · 04/01/2020 13:34

It’s interesting, there are so many possible set ups from fraught, no-relationships, neutral non parenting relationships to fully integrated kids all treated/loved the same. All scenarios are unique and reflect the dynamics between the actual parent/child and outside of the home.. and do not necessarily reflect badly on the step parent. At all. Big shout out to step parents I say.

Frankola · 04/01/2020 15:36

My step daughter is an amazing young woman and I feel privileged to have had such a formative role in her life. We have a great relationship.

Me and my husbands ex, not so much

BigusBumus · 04/01/2020 15:49

My step son lives with us full time and has done since he was 9. I love him like my own sons, so yes i think it can be a gift.

Not so when his nasty druggy mother was in his life though.

piefacedClique · 04/01/2020 15:51

A regift definayely!

hippopootamus · 04/01/2020 19:40

It is a gift but then so are socks and bad toiletry sets

Anuta77 · 05/01/2020 02:17

I used to think my SD (7 when I met her) was a gift until she reached 11 years old and me and my DP had a baby. She then entered some sort of competition for the love of our baby and stopped being nice to me (but only behind my DP's back). Things improved now that she's 13, but I can't forget it, especially since she was like that only towards me and that despite me giving her love, doing activities with her, buying her things, etc.
She's very close to her mother, who's very nice with my DP and everyone else, but not to me, so I guess SD gets a subliminal (or not so) message that I'm not important. It hurts when you give love to someone and there's no return, you are just there when the child needs something. But I know it could have been worse too.

Greendayz · 05/01/2020 16:55

Overall I'd say my life is very much enriched by having my DSC in it. Not without challenges, but they're great people and I've enjoyed being part of their lives so far. So yes, definitely step children can be a gift

Screamqueenz · 05/01/2020 17:03

My stepsons are definitely a gift, they are remarkable young men and I am very proud of them.

I've been in their life since they were 6 & 8, they lived with us 50% of the time (EDSS more frequently than that) I got together with their dad after he split with is wife, but she has always been vile to me.

Character120 · 06/01/2020 10:55

Step parenting is a gift if the parents are civil. I pay £80 ph for a therapist to deal with my step daughters mum.

Magda72 · 06/01/2020 11:29

It's a nice sentiment though definitely not my experience, & I did go into it very hopeful & positive as I get on great with kids & teens in general.
I think the relationship between the bio parents & the reasonableness of the dm (or df) is key to stepparents being able to stepparent happily & well.
In my case the absolute vitriol of the dm spilled over into everything. It ruined the kids, affected their relationship with their dad, with me & with my kids & left my exdp (despite great efforts on his part) emotionally & physically unavailable to move on with his life. She was absolutely determined to maintain first family status no matter how she had to do it or who she hurt in the process.
Moving forward I wouldn't touch a man with kids ever again - I'd rather be alone, as at least I control my life when alone (not some bitter woman & her kids). My exdp is a wonderful person & I miss him like crazy but I wasn't able to detach sufficiently for madness to not affect me. That was my issue/weakness & so I walked away.
The time with exdp was one of the best of my life - the time with his kids one of the worst. And I agree with pps in that there's very little support or empathy for stepparents - here or anywhere else. It's a very lonely place to find yourself.

stepitupjuan · 10/01/2020 13:12

One of my unbreakable rules when I was dating post divorce was no kids. It did limit the pool but I stuck to it and it worked perfectly.

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