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Original poster

Advice badly needed

34 replies

mammamia1975 · 30/12/2019 15:23

Long time lurker but first time poster so apologies if I can't get all this down concisely.
To fill in background: dh & exw are divorced 10 years & have two ds, 17 & 14. Dh & I together 6 years and married for 2. I have a ds 18 & a dd 16 from a previous relationship. Dh & exw relationship has always been fractious but dh has always tried to keep the kids out of it. He pays very generous maintenance, has the kids eow & one night during the week & does holidays etc. His kids and my kids while polite & civil to each other have never really clicked (just too different in personalities & parenting) & we have always gotten around this by dh keeping the flat he had before he met me. The boys are with us one weekend a month & see dh in the flat the other weekend & evenings & often a lot of the holiday time too. Flat, kids & exw live about a 45 min drive from us. Exw doesn't work & says she won't.
Dh is an engineer & was made redundant at the start of this year. He got offered other jobs which would have necessitated a permanent move so he didn't take any of them. He couldn't find anything local & eventually got offered a very lucrative 2 year contract in the UAE which he accepted. He didn't accept it without discussing it with kids & exw first. No one was thrilled (understandably) but money is good enough to cover increased maintenance & to really help with college costs so everyone saw the benefits & 'consented'. He started the contract in August & works 3 weeks there then home for a week & he splits that week between me & the kids. Not easy on anyone but it's two years so can be sucked up.
All was fine until the run up to Christmas when exw decides she's "had enough of everything" her words, puts her house on the market & tells dh she's moving 2 hours away to live with her sister. Boys are not impressed to say the least & are refusing to go with her, at least the 17 year old is & is wielding influence over the 14 year old. No amount of talking to her will change her mind. She's always been a bit volatile but this is a new level.
Kids are obviously a bit bewildered & 17 year old has told dh to leave his job, leave me & move into his flat ft so they don't have to move! Dh has explained that if he leaves his job he's in breach of contract, will lose money & will be unemployed again which will affect them as their dm won't work. He has also said he's not prepared to leave his wife!
The boys' school has a boarding option which dh has subsequently said he'll explore & pay for & the boys seem ok with this but not wildly enthusiastic.
However, now dm has told the boys that if they board her maintenance will reduce; she'll have nothing to live on & if they consent to boarding they need not come to her for weekends & holidays; that she's sick of parenting anyhow!?! When dh asked her how they were to manage holidays etc. now that he's working away (something she agreed to) she told him I could take the boys!
I'm not prepared to do this & dh is not prepared to have me do this as neither he nor I see why I should have to take on parenting due to a decision he & his exw made over his work. Also, I have both of mine doing exams this year & once eldest is in uni I intend to do an MA while continuing to work to support my two. Dh & I only share household bills, we don't share anything to do with the kids & I'm not prepared to compromise my career or my income.
We are now at a total impasse & Christmas has been awful. Exw refusing to budge, kids refusing to budge & dh unable to budge without compromising his income & job prospects.
I feel I'm too close to this & have been so caught off guard I can't make any sense of it.
I'd really appreciate any input from anyone who can see any way out of this. Exw has always tried to control stuff & I've always aimed to stay out of it but I feel like my life is now being held to ransom by her behaviour which makes no sense to me.

OP posts:
NewNameSameOldGame · 30/12/2019 15:41

I’m not sure what you can do...
The options are either the SCs go with their mum or they board.
Seeing as they’re both happy to board I would think that’s the sensible option.
Fuck the ExW if all she’s concerned about is receiving money and not their happiness.
If your DH moves back then none of them will get the financial support they need so that isn’t an option, neither is him leaving you.

I think get the boys to board and ExW can suck up the loss of CMS. Tough titties, she won’t be looking after them or providing meals etc if they’re boarding during the week as Dad will be paying the school to provide those things.
If she wants more money then she needs to work for it

Tyersal · 30/12/2019 15:47

@newnamesameoldgame boarding isn't an option because they have no one to look after them in the holidays

Tyersal · 30/12/2019 15:48

OP horrid as it is for them I'm not sure the boys can refuse to budge

NewNameSameOldGame · 30/12/2019 15:51

@Tyseral I missed that bit!
Fucking hell, their mum sounds delightful! So she’s essentially abandoning them? She tired of parenting them?!
So is she actively trying to force them to live with their dad?

NewNameSameOldGame · 30/12/2019 15:52

I’m confused as to what she wants... does she want them or not? She won’t get any CMS at all if she refuses to parent them?

Tyersal · 30/12/2019 15:54

I think She wants to move and the boys go with her and her cms stay as it is

bionicnemonic · 30/12/2019 15:58

Over the holidays could you have them part of the time? When is the 17 year old 18? Could they holiday where dad is working? Day time activities? I feel sorry for them with their mum not wanting to be with them. They must feel awful

bionicnemonic · 30/12/2019 15:58

And surely the boys will be having exams soon...not a good time to move

Original poster
mammamia1975 · 30/12/2019 15:59

@Tyersal I too think that's what she wants. What she doesn't want is for them to board & for her to lose out on maintenance. However she's seems fully prepared to not take them if they do board. I'm also confused as if she doesn't take them she'll get no maintenance (I assume she'll have the proceeds of the house sale to live off for a bit) but I suppose she'll also have minimal outgoings.
I feel like we've missed something, like there's something else going on but if there is dh hasn't been told by either her or the kids.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 30/12/2019 16:00

Or could dad jiggle his contract so instead of coming back during work time he builds that up and takes it in the school holidays and comes back then (not fun for you but it’s only until his contract ends)

Original poster
mammamia1975 · 30/12/2019 16:27

@bionicnemonic that's a really good idea about the weeks off. We never thought of that but we've both been so blindsided. I'll mention that to dh. I don't think them holidaying there would work as he's at an industrial site away from the commercial/holiday centres.

OP posts:
Troels · 30/12/2019 16:27

They could board and do a combination of sleep away camp, and going to stay with Dad wherever he's working during the summer holidays.
Is there any grandparents who'd like to see them for a week in summer too?
I bet she'll change her mind and want them in the summer if she finds out they really are going to board. She'll miss them by next summer.

Original poster
mammamia1975 · 30/12/2019 16:32

Dh has just contacted me (he's in his flat with the boys) to say that exw has contacted him to say she'll have them during holidays & allow them to board so long as he doesn't reduce maintenance payments.

Also, 17 yr old is now threatening to leave school! Confused

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 16:39

I think you need to sit tight and brace. Let the whole drama blow out and wait until the things are calmer.

Provided you are financially independent, and you seem to be, you will be perfectly fine to wait this out.

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 16:42

I wouldn’t suggest changing his contract, it is difficult to keep a relationship with someone you only see on school holidays.

NewNameSameOldGame · 30/12/2019 16:46

has contacted him to say she'll have them during holidays & allow them to board so long as he doesn't reduce maintenance payments
With that unlimited pot of money your DH must have? Confused

Jesus, I’ve never understood how people can split up with their spouse and expect to be able to not work indefinitely. Fair enough they should be supported whilst kids are of pre-school age and maybe whilst they retrain to enable a career of their own, by CMS shouldn’t be used to stay at home.
What on earth does she think is going to happen in just a few short years when the SC become adults?

BunnytheBlueWhale · 30/12/2019 16:48

Oh gosh she sounds like a piece of work! Not sure what to suggest but of course those kids are not your responsibility to look after while their mother does nothing?!

Ylvamoon · 30/12/2019 17:00

I'm wit IdiotInDisguise nothing you can do. DH needs to work & earn money, his kids are old enough to decide what they want to do; boarding school or stay put with mum.
The ex really has very little say in it, othertan guide the kids towardswhat is best forthem. If she needs the money, she better go and find a job. Her eldest will be 18 soon to that "income" will come to an end.

Original poster
mammamia1975 · 30/12/2019 19:26

The issue with the boarding option is that there's no one to mind them during the holidays (bar me). Both sets of gps have passed away. Exw is now using this to essentially blackmail money out of dh. She has a fine but functional relationship with her kids which I've tried not to judge as all parenting is different, but I do think she would dig her heels in over not taking them if she thought it would get her what she wanted. She'd be that hard nosed.
I do try to not get involved & yes I am financially independent (thankfully). I won't be so dramatic as to say my Christmas has been ruined, but it has been affected as dh has been all over the shop and as a result so have I (to a lesser extent). And it also concerns me as it will affect dh for the next 18 months thus affecting me no matter how hard I try to step back.
I agree trying to maintain a relationship only during school holidays is dangerous but I don't feel like I've much option but to suggest/accept this.

OP posts:
Original poster
mammamia1975 · 30/12/2019 19:26

Thanks for replies btw.

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 19:37

I wouldn’t worry too much about the words of the ex. She is angry, and trying to get her way. Just wait, thing will fall into place, they will find a way around it.

Downsouth123 · 30/12/2019 21:13

@mammamia1975 you sound like such a lovely understanding woman, hats off to you, your partner and children are very lucky Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2019 10:41

God there is a lot of cheek going on here, both from the mum and the kids. He "told" your husband to quit his job and break up with you? I'm sorry what?

I really feel for both you and your husband here, but I have to say I think you are taking on too much and being a bit too understanding with the suggestion that he should work away full time in order to dedicate his whole summer holiday to looking after the kids. It's obviously not your responsibility to look after them in the summer, but that would not be a relationship worth staying in for me. They're his kids, so if he wants to change things so he can take them on full time, he needs to get a local job that fits in with that plan, even if that means retraining or taking what he can get.

Otherwise, he's just going to have to either send them to board and reduce the maintenance and hope she's bluffing, or they're going to have to go with her. The situation must be awful for them but at the same time it sounds like the oldest has quite a poor attitude and is asserting too much power.

Original poster
mammamia1975 · 31/12/2019 11:42

Thanks @Downsouth123  & @aSofaNearYou you are very right in all you say. Dh himself said no to the block leave; saying aside from it being bad for us it would be unfair on his team & would most likely be rejected anyway.
The eldest is a tricky guy and has always been 'hard work' & I personally think he's always been given too much power. Dh is not at all a Disney Dad but I do think he feels very bad that their relationship with their dm is not more loving but what can anyone do about that? I feel quite guilty about that too even though I've no reason to.
I think digging in as you & others have said is all I can do & I need to ensure that I don't offer to bail the situation out in a moment of weakness!
I feel awful for dh too but I'm also very annoyed that this whole thing has dominated his time at home & yes I'm annoyed with him (possibly unreasonably so) that he's let it put him in bad form.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 31/12/2019 11:49

i'm annoyed with him that he's let it put him in bad form seriously?! That's not possibly unreasonable it's definitely unreasonable. Jesus he's in an absolutely horrible situation of course he's going to be unhappy!

I have to say I'd have them weekends and holidays personally, it's only 18 months, but your call.

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