Long time lurker but first time poster so apologies if I can't get all this down concisely.
To fill in background: dh & exw are divorced 10 years & have two ds, 17 & 14. Dh & I together 6 years and married for 2. I have a ds 18 & a dd 16 from a previous relationship. Dh & exw relationship has always been fractious but dh has always tried to keep the kids out of it. He pays very generous maintenance, has the kids eow & one night during the week & does holidays etc. His kids and my kids while polite & civil to each other have never really clicked (just too different in personalities & parenting) & we have always gotten around this by dh keeping the flat he had before he met me. The boys are with us one weekend a month & see dh in the flat the other weekend & evenings & often a lot of the holiday time too. Flat, kids & exw live about a 45 min drive from us. Exw doesn't work & says she won't.
Dh is an engineer & was made redundant at the start of this year. He got offered other jobs which would have necessitated a permanent move so he didn't take any of them. He couldn't find anything local & eventually got offered a very lucrative 2 year contract in the UAE which he accepted. He didn't accept it without discussing it with kids & exw first. No one was thrilled (understandably) but money is good enough to cover increased maintenance & to really help with college costs so everyone saw the benefits & 'consented'. He started the contract in August & works 3 weeks there then home for a week & he splits that week between me & the kids. Not easy on anyone but it's two years so can be sucked up.
All was fine until the run up to Christmas when exw decides she's "had enough of everything" her words, puts her house on the market & tells dh she's moving 2 hours away to live with her sister. Boys are not impressed to say the least & are refusing to go with her, at least the 17 year old is & is wielding influence over the 14 year old. No amount of talking to her will change her mind. She's always been a bit volatile but this is a new level.
Kids are obviously a bit bewildered & 17 year old has told dh to leave his job, leave me & move into his flat ft so they don't have to move! Dh has explained that if he leaves his job he's in breach of contract, will lose money & will be unemployed again which will affect them as their dm won't work. He has also said he's not prepared to leave his wife!
The boys' school has a boarding option which dh has subsequently said he'll explore & pay for & the boys seem ok with this but not wildly enthusiastic.
However, now dm has told the boys that if they board her maintenance will reduce; she'll have nothing to live on & if they consent to boarding they need not come to her for weekends & holidays; that she's sick of parenting anyhow!?! When dh asked her how they were to manage holidays etc. now that he's working away (something she agreed to) she told him I could take the boys!
I'm not prepared to do this & dh is not prepared to have me do this as neither he nor I see why I should have to take on parenting due to a decision he & his exw made over his work. Also, I have both of mine doing exams this year & once eldest is in uni I intend to do an MA while continuing to work to support my two. Dh & I only share household bills, we don't share anything to do with the kids & I'm not prepared to compromise my career or my income.
We are now at a total impasse & Christmas has been awful. Exw refusing to budge, kids refusing to budge & dh unable to budge without compromising his income & job prospects.
I feel I'm too close to this & have been so caught off guard I can't make any sense of it.
I'd really appreciate any input from anyone who can see any way out of this. Exw has always tried to control stuff & I've always aimed to stay out of it but I feel like my life is now being held to ransom by her behaviour which makes no sense to me.