I hate SC’s Mum

[NewNameSameOldGame]

How do you deal with feelings of absolute hatred towards your SC’s mum?
To be clear I have been with my DP for 5 years, I have a lovely relationship with my SCs. I have never really had much contact with their mum other than polite chit chat at pick ups and drop offs, all started off very nice etc.
I keep myself to myself and do not get involved in anything to do with the SC’s arrangements between parents.
I actually thought their mum was nice and up until 18 months ago I wouldn’t have had much of an opinion about her either way. I even would stick up for her when DP would vent to me about certain situations and I would always try and get him to see things from her point of view as I am also the RP for my own children from a previous relationship.

We all rubbed along ok.

However, my problems started about 18 months ago when she began dating the ExH of one of my close friends. My friend and her ExH do not get along at all and had a very lengthy and brutal custody battle. He was verbally and mentally abusive.

In summary, he is not a very nice man and it has transpired he actually has children by 3 different women, the youngest of which being with my friend. She knew nothing of the other 2 children as he denied paternity up until recently.

Anyway, SC’s mum has immersed herself into the drama which has ensued and has taken exception to my friendship with her DP’s ex whom I have know for over a decade.

She consistently calls me names, sends messages filled with vitriol about me to my DP, posts things on SM, has started saying awful things about me, my appearance etc and calling me a snob to my SC.

I have done nothing to provoke this, it is all because her and her current partner do not like the fact I’m friends with his ex. Even though both my relationship with DP and friendship with my friend far predate their own relationship.

The things she said about me are incredibly hurtful and mean insults and I’m struggling to get past them.

I hate her. I have never really hated anyone in my life but I feel like my anger towards her is eating me up and every time she is mentioned or my DP goes out of his way to help her I am filled with an overwhelming rage.

I do not show this in front of my SCs, I am so lovely about her in conversation with them and have always taken the high road. But I know she’s bad mouthing me to the children and in front of them because they repeat things she’s said and I’ve also heard them in the background when she’s rang DP in one of her tempers.

I don’t know what to do. It’s got to the point where I resent helping her out at all. She rang DP today asking to switch days for contact as she has plans and it’s resulted in my being cross with DP for thinking about accommodating it because I honestly just think “fuck you, why should we be nice?”

How can I move past my hatred of her
She’s honestly vile. It’s breaking my heart

In regards to your SC he needs to make it clear your joint family finances are nothing to do with her mother, her mother gets maintenance as per the law from him and then to close down any further discussion when she carries on whining

This is what he did. He also told her not to speak disrespectfully towards me. She got upset then and apologised. She does love me and I love her, I think she’s feeling a bit conflicted and she adores her mum. It must be hard liking someone your mum doesn’t, it must be confusing for her as she seems to genuinely like me and enjoy the relationship we have

Playing devil’s advocate here, while there is no question that your DP’s ex is wel out of order, is it possible that she is actually in an abusive relationship herself and that all this objection to you being friends with her DP’s ex etc is fuelling her insecurities?

I’ve no doubt that she will have heard what kind of a man he is, plus the fact that he has denied paternity of two of his children until recently must surely have at least set off some alarm bells in her head. Equally if he is abusing her this all stacks up to her realising what kind of a man she has become involved with. Keeping everyone who has a history or knowledge of this man means that she potentially doesn’t have to face the reality that he is all the things she probably knows he is.

it doesn’t excuse her behaviour by any stretch, but it could go some way towards explaining it.

I'm sure someone will have already suggested it but make sure you record everything. If you haven't got it already I'd get get CCTV and dashcams. Also work out how to record phone calls etc. You can have it set up automatically.

Contact is not court ordered, because as I said before, everything was pretty amicable until 18 months ago when she met her DP.

My DP and his ex have been split up for 10 years and have coparented with very few issues over that time. Maintenance, contact, changes of arrangements have all been worked out between themselves.

It would be such a shame to have to drag the SCs through court over this. As I said before, there’s no problems with contact now, it’s not being withheld, ex is not asking for more money, she is just being abusive towards me.

I’m not sure what her end goal is though? What does she think it will achieve? Does she want me to cut off my friendship with her DP’s ex? Or is she trying to split my DP and I up? If it’s the latter then she’d been cutting her nose off to spite her face because I’m very involved with the girls and help out a lot because I enjoy being with them.

There have been many times over the years that her and DP have had conflicting schedules or events and I’ve stepped in to help out with childcare or logistics.

@AlternativePerspective to be honest this has crossed my mind too. I sincerely hope she isn’t in an abusive relationship.
My SCs have never mentioned anything about arguments or unusual behaviour from their mum.
They talk very openly to us about many things in their lives as they know we offer no judgement and will just listen. For example this week the girls have told us their mum is actively trying for a baby with her DP, I remained calm but I must have looked a bit shocked as eldest SD said “I know what you’re thinking because I’m thinking it too. Why doesn’t he actually try to see the kids his got first”.
I didn’t say a word, I just hugged her in a reassuring sort of way.

It’s so hard.

Your boyfriend ‘doesn’t want’ you to get a harassment order, and won’t keep you safe? He sounds absolutely pathetic , if you want to continue this relationship, get the harassment order and report her each and every time, don’t be ‘too shocked to speak’ next time she shows up running her gob, film her, phone the police. I hope this dude is worth all this nonsense. Jfc.

I take back everything I said. Get a harassment order. Keep a log of the abuse. Record all future phone calls. Keep all text messages.

Unfortunately, this is who she is now. It is unlikely that she’ll go back to who she was because that would mean losing face and admitting that she has made mistakes.

And she is not a fit mother if she has imbroiled her children in the feckless and violent life this man is leading. If they have a baby and he does what he’s done before it will affect their lives greatly. I would be looking to get a court order and using the harassment as evidence against her.

@CustomerCervixDepartment why is he pathetic? I think he’s a bit scared too. Wouldn’t you be?
He’s a lovely man, he’s just not a big brute who could easily fight him off and that’s the truth of it. If his ex’s DP attacked him he’d be quite literally fucked. He’s twice the size of him. It doesn’t make him pathetic to be scared of it escalating to that point.
I’m happy to admit I’m a bit scared of his ex. She’s very rough around the edges and comes across unhinged so I don’t want to be in situations with her where I’m vulnerable either.

I will record, document and go to the police next time. My own DCs were in the house when ex’s DP turned up shouting the odds at us. I’m not having my children subjected to that ever again.

I suspect that she wants you to end your friendship with her partner’s ex.

If she has bought into his bullshit (given he’s likely to have sold her the “my ex is a psycho” line) then it’s possible that she sees your friendship with said ex as potentially being harmful.

I can imagine someone posting on here: “I’ve recently got together with a lovely man. He has admittedly made some bad relationship choices in the past, however we get on really well and are building a future together. Thing is, his ex, who is an absolute psycho and a nasty piece of work, is best friends with my ex’s partner. I can’t help thinking that this isn’t the kind of woman I want around my kids if those are the friendship choices she makes.”

I think that posters would probably set her straight on here, but I can absolutely imagine that it could happen that way.

As for your DP not taking out a harassment order, tbh I think it’s never quite that black and white. If he’s had an amicable relationship with his ex until now I imagine that he hopes that she will come round at some point, and if he’s pursued things through courts then there is a risk that if she splits from this man, their co parenting relationship could well be damaged long-term.

Oh and OP take up something like boxing or mediation. Either will let the anger out so you can ignore her.

@AlternativePerspective Even if I cut contact with my friend (which is never going to happen) then does she think the abuse towards me will all be forgotten? I don’t think she’ll stop even in that even, do you?

I find myself thinking awful things about her and being annoyed by so many little things to do with her parenting, how she spends her money, how often she does or doesn’t do things with my SCs etc and I know it’s nothing to do with me and I shouldn’t think these things.

But I honestly despise her now. I need to find a way to just completely block her out of my mind. I’ve asked DP not to talk to me about her or tell me if she’s contacted him because the mere thought of her at the moment fills me with an anxious rage.

However it’s impossible because he has to run things past me e.g she wants us to have the SCs on X date, so I ask why and what the plans are because I need to know for our own arrangements.
And the girls obviously talk about their mum a lot. I feel like she is this big dark cloud hanging over my head all of the time. I can’t get rid of it and I’m always on edge waiting for the inevitable shit storm she’s going to rain down onto us.

Honestly, I wish she’d just fuck off and move abroad or something.

She's acting like this because she is in looooooove with this new partner who she thinks can do no wrong. He clearly has told her stories about your friend that portrays her very badly, and your oh's is associating all this with you as how could you otherwise be friend with her.

I would lay low because my gut feeling is that she will gradually see what her wonderful partner is really like and she will start to question the things he would have told her.

I do think though that you need to stay out of some of the issues. The example you have of your dsdnot needing to go to the supermarket and you taking her because she complained her mum couldn't have been a red herring. For all you know, her mum had a good reason for not taking her. Maybe she told her she needed the things only in the morning, even though she had weeks to do so and she told her to walk/go on the bus -and instead she called you and cried victim-. Her mum would have felt terribly undermined and rightly so.

Teenagers, even the lovely ones are very good at acting and making it appear that one parent, or the other, or a friend, are treating them badly.

OP my DP and loads of separated parents we know have a yearly schedule that runs along the school year.

Only if the schedule needs changing, and that has to be discussed a minimum of 6 weeks in advance unless it is a life and death emergency, does do the other parent warrant a mention.

Some of the sensible separated parents put this in place themselves, while others who were more hostile and flip flopped around ended up with Child Arrangement Orders.

When in the year is the schedule agreed? Depends on how hostile and disorganised the other parent was. The less hostile and more organised it is a month before the new school year starts, while the more hostile and disorganised it is basically as soon as the next school term dates come out the preceding school year.

Handover times are also agreed far in advance.

I know how you feel OP, I'm having issues with my exes current partner. She is awful. Doesn't push him to be a better dad and has a lot to say about me.... on SM especially really nasty hateful things ! She calls me jealous ?! I separated with him ffs if I wanted him back I would of she's deluded but it still isn't nice what she says

Why does she get to know about your friendship with her DPs Ex. If your friend telling her ex when you meet up?

I see no reason why your friendship impacts on her at all.

It's a pity she's become so off the wall and you can't have a civil conversation with her.

I don't think your DP it pathetic as a pp said. This other chap sounds like a thug.

OP my DP’s ex is super hostile. I deal with it by accepting she will never change. So I do zero hoping that things will improve. That means I am fully focussed on strategies to cope/minimise her impact in my life. The less oxygen we give her the less we hear from her. Grey rock works. If the schedule is too flexible it’s time to make it more fixed. Less discussion = less stress.
I totally sympathise with you that it’s horrible feeling this way about someone and having someone so negative in your life. Just this morning I thought I saw my DP’s ex in the street and I felt my stomach turn at the thought of her turning and seeing me. It turns out it wasn’t even her. It felt like those old feelings of being at school and being afraid of the mean girls.
Yes - it’s super frustrating but not worth it to fixate in her parenting style as you cannot change it. You can simply make sure that life in your home is as you wish. I feel good in showing my DSD what normal, loving family relations are, in setting boundaries like an appropriate bedtime and helping her to smoothly transition between her dad’s her mum’s etc etc.
In your case at your stage I would really consider police involvement. My DP went down that route during the days of his harassment. The police didn’t formally take it forward but we think they sent a very clear message that she was walking a fine line as her harassment reduced significantly.

Why does she get to know about your friendship with her DPs Ex. If your friend telling her ex when you meet up?

Her DP obviously told her at the start that I was his ex’s friend. We go out quite a bit together both with our mutual friends and our children. My DCs and their DS are friends so he is likely to know we spend fine together as I imagine their DS talks about my DCs or me.

I see no reason why your friendship impacts on her at all

Exactly. It really doesn’t, I have no idea why it’s such an issue for her.

This sounds so much like my situation and I speak from experience here, unless they threaten your life (you need evidence) or physically harm you then the matter remains a civil one and the police cannot do anything about it. We had months worth of texts/emails/SM posts even cctv of them driving past our house and stopping outside repeatedly but it made no difference as technically they were not committing crimes (this is what we were told). Husbands ex had him in & out of court for almost 2 years with petty nonsense concerning the kids she even tried to get a restraining order against him which was denied, we had the police called on us several times for various reasons, social services called, nspcc called it was one thing after another. She was eventually told by police that if she doesn’t stop making malicious calls then they would prosecute her so it stopped. Eventually after nearly 10 years of this nonsense my husband took her to court for residency of all 3 children which was granted and he made sure the order was very specific with what she was/wasn’t to do (Not to come to our home, not to post anything slanderous on SM for example ) which meant it would become a crime if she didn’t adhere to it and my husband was told by the magistrate that if any terms laid out by the order were broken then he should contact the police and his ex got a proper dressing down by the magistrate, thankfully no problems since.

@NewNameSameOldGame I despise my DH’s ex. She tells all and sundry that the reason they split up was because he and I had a torrid affair. I did know DH when I was younger tbf, but in 14 years I saw him in person 3 times. Two of those times she was there (one of those two times I was with my mum, the other with my ex-husband), the third time I saw him was in Waterstones with my son. I then moved 100 miles away. She conveniently forgets to tell people that she was the one who kept throwing him out for such heinous crimes as ‘laughing too loudly’

Oh and I know that the laughing too loudly one is true as (bizarrely) it was cited on their divorce papers 😂🤦‍♀️

How are you OP?