I'm so lonely

[LonelyLoney]

Please help me.
DSD, 13. I have tried everything. I'm a fan of attachment/listening styles of parenting. She tells me things she doesn't tell her mum and dad. Sometimes she's nice, we talk, we laugh, we hug.
But she can be so vile. I've spent all day cooking a roast, whilst working from home and having bought all their Christmas presents. I asked her to set the table. Literally that's all I asked. She.was so vile and rude.
DH just let's her get away with it. He was right there. I said 'Rosie (not real name), please don't talk to me like that, I am just asking you to do a simple chore after I've made lunch'
She stomps, she slams doors, she sat there with a roast potato and nothing else, being stroppy. I ignored her and went to Dmums. I've come back, poured a glass of wine and run a bath. I'm now sat on the bed crying. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere.
I have a DH problem, I know
He says all the right things to me but never stands up for me. I got no thanks for the meal or the presents. I'm so lonely. None of my friends are in this position. I have no one to talk to who understands. I've subscribed to stepmum magazine which is good, but aside from that there's little support.
Been together 5 years. None of my own.
I'm so down.

Hugs being a step parent is a rubbish and thankless role you are not alone

Is this a regular thing or a one off

Thank you @tyersal

It's relatively frequent. I'm so depressed.

How often is she with you?

I have to say. I am stunned at the amount of SM’s on this board who are continuing to do the cooking/ cleaning/ Christmas prep (including the one who left her own home for Christmas), whilst being ignored/ disrespected/ rejected by the step children.

Stop. Stop doing everything you’re doing. Don’t cook or clean or shop for people who don’t appreciate you and don’t have the manners to say thank you, or can I help you. Did your DH do anything? Including an apology to you directly from him stating that he found that behaviour unacceptable?

And if not, why aren’t you pulling him up on it? These posts are making my blood boil. These men let some poor woman do the grunt work and then allow their children to essentially abuse them in their own homes. It’s appalling behaviour.

I'm a stepmum to a now 24 year old dsd and we've always had a good relationship but as a teenager, she would sometimes display these behaviours. However, she would also display them with her dm and df. My own dc have also had occasions as teenagers where they have been rude, stroppy and disobedient.
Try not to take it to heart. Make it clear you love her but you aren't willing to be spoken to in that way. Pull her up every time. They grow out of it. I know it isn't way but it doesn't sound personal as she also confides in you.

Thank you @sassbott I always agree with your posts.
I'm officially on strike and I've told him as much. He helped dish up towards the end and put on the Yorkshires but tbh be seemed so moody and stressed by it I wish he hadn't bothered.
We've just had an argument, because I pulled him up on it. I've barracaded myself in the bedroom.
She doesn't even get her own squash. Just asks her dad and he'll go and get it. I had a 5AM paper round at her age.
In every other way I'm an out and out proud feminist. I feel completely pathetic.

*easy not way

@Christmasgifts I don't think it would hurt so much if DH also challenged it. But it's just me, so I look like the villian. I just feel so unsupported. I asked him if it was a stranger in the street being rude to me would be just let them get away with it. He said of course not. So why he doesn't do.it to his own daughter, who he has an actual obligation to mould into a decent human being, I just don't know.
I feel like I have no one on my side. Like I'm all alone.

Have you pulled her up in front of dh? How does he respond?

Yes, calmly and respectfully, something like 'Please don't talk to me like that'
He does nothing.

Personally, I would ask him, in front of her, "do you think this is acceptable?"

Sassbott often speaks a lot of sense.
I commented on another thread a short while ago.
I have a DH and SD problem. I’ve now disengaged from the girls ( which is sad ). I do nothing now. It’s over to him. I find it very refreshing and plough all my time and energy into my own child.

No one needs to take teens behaviour to heart. They all say things out of line, push boundaries. But if any of my children are rude to any adult (and they do push it from time to time, they are pulled up on it immediately). My eldest spoke to me in a stroppy tone a few weeks ago when my exh was picking up the children. My exh immediately had words, said ‘do not speak to your mum with that tone, apologise immediately.’ Apology was forthcoming and it’s clear more words were had when he got the children home. But he and I have virtually identical values regarding manners and discipline. The children know that and respond accordingly. And I think that is a huge problem in these situations. Too many NRP’s are simply not prepared to put the work in that is required in disciplining their children. They prefer the easy path.

I’m not saying I get it right, not at all. But my goodness, surely a core part of parenting is putting your children right and consistently teaching them right from wrong. As toddlers we told them not to run into the road or poke electrical sockets. As teens it’s teaching humility, gratitude and responsibility. And that actions have consequences.

@QueenAnneBoleyn that's the plan - can I ask how you did it?

@sassbott - all very true. It's like he's so scared she'll kick off or get moody he'd rather just take the path of least resistance.

I'm still in our bedroom hiding and crying. They're all downstairs playing games.

On a day when you are calmer about it all and its not so raw explain how your OH lack of intervention makes you feel and why. Use the words you used earlier about how he wouldn't let a stranger treat you like that and about his responsibility to mold.

I would also suggest disengaging a little, so less for them all, make time for you to do you things when she is there and be very clear with your boundaries

Life shouldn't be like this. She should not be so rude and get away with it. Stop buying her gifts..leave that to her dad.

If she won't help out...get your DH to do the table lay up, so you don't be up doing everything.

LonelyLoney I’m not one for self-help books but I read a book called “Stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin which made me look at things differently. I’d recommend it.

I never did any of it for thanks but when it’s expected and you’re being taken for a mug by someone else’s children then you need to make changes.

I no longer do their laundry or tidy their room (they’ve been told it’s their responsibility). I gave DH enough warnings about their attitude and him not backing me up and I wasn’t listened to so now when they come to stay the food shop is up to him, the cooking is up to him and running them to / from various hobbies and friend’s houses is up to him. Their school runs are now down to him also.

I am on strike. Permanently.
It’s not nice seeing my DH stressed trying to juggle it all but I felt lonely and unsupported for long enough. I now have so much time for my daughter and doing other things now that I’m not running around after them.
You need to put yourself first OP.

OP, take yourself to the teenagers forum. She is being a typical teenager and frankly, they are quite vile. Rudeness, selfishness, belligerent, unreasonable, yep, that's teenagers.

It's easy to assume that what they've turned into is a mapping of what they will continue to become as they turn adults. In most cases, if they were pleasant people before, and there are growing up in stable families where their emotional needs have been listened to, they get out of that awful phase and return to be lovely people.

It's hard to believe it at the time. Many people told me that when my kids, especially my lovely DS turned into the most unloveable boy. He went through the typical phases, anger explosions, that turned into apathy and uninterest into anything, to what seemed to be genuine depression. Then suddenly, as he was doing his GCSEs and decided to work hard, he gradually found some confidence, and after he started working over the summer, he was transformed.

5 years ago, I would ask him to do the one off simple task and I might as well have asked him to read 10 books in a row. Rudeness, why should I etc... last night, I got the washing out, and as soon as he saw me, he said 'leave it mum, I'll do it'. I said that there were things of mine too and he responded 'yes, that's ok, I can do yours too, it's fine'!

My advice is not to ignore it all, but don't get into battles. Just continue to ask him for help calmly and don't rise to the response. Above all, don't start believing that he is a horrible person, because the worse that can happen for such teenagers is to believe that everyone hates them, leading to their self-esteem being distroyed, which is what is causing the bad behaviour in the first place.

Thank you all.
@dontdisturbmenow oh believe me, I know what teens can be like, they can be awful and no reflection on the adult they will become. This isn't really about her, although I worry by not challenging it she will become a rather entitled and moody adult. It's the lack of support and alliance from DH. It's the feeling like I'm all on my own. That nothing I do is ever good enough. He does say thank you if I've had a particularly stressful and busy weekend with them, but not much more than that and I sort of feel he's only saying it to 'tick a box' if that makes sense.
I haven't slept. They were all having a great time without me downstairs playing games. He's slept downstairs I think.
When I got back from my mum's I thought he would have spoken to her, but no. I was just ignored when I came back. I don't expect nor want an apology from her now, it's too late, the time to act was there and then.
I'm gong to be out most of the day I think. I need space.
Sorry, I'm rambling. I'll buy that book @QueenAnneBoleyn

I read stepmonster I didn't find it that helpful but have a copy under the bed you may have if you feel comfortable sending a random stranger your address

That's annoying @tyersalive I've just ordered it!
Thank you for the lovely offer though.

Your last comment about your DP is really sad OP, are you sure this is the relationship for you? Did your partner know you were upset when he left you alone all night to play games? If so he has been very unkind and I would be rethinking whether I wanted to be with him.

If I were you I would go on the strike, sharpish - do nothing and be clear why, and if it isn't a wake up call for him and he quickly changes his attitude, I would leave him, because he's making you feel like shit about yourself just for the privilege of having him in your life and running around after his kid. He SHOULD be grateful. And he should feel dreadful that his situation and lack of ability to deal with it properly has resulted in the person he loves locking herself away crying alone all night.

If he doesn't feel either of those things then he isn't worth being with.

Thank you @aSofaNearYou
I've come back after spending the morning with my family. I'm worri d about disengaging now as some of my family said it was mean and not an option. (None of them are stepparents)

He's saying all the right things, but I've heard it so many times now. Actions speak louder than words. He says he's scared to punish her or pull her up in case she doesn't want to see him anymore.

Hi. Sorry you're going through this OP.

I have teenagers and understand a bit about what makes them tick.

I think she has the perfect set up at your home. Doting Father who won't make her lift a finger and scapegoat step mum to blame when things aren't going her way.

I think the only way to resolve this is to remove yourself, physically and emotionally from them, let your Oh do the feeding, washing, running around while you either go out (shopping, a walk, seeing friends) or sit watching your choice of tv, reading a book, eating your sandwich, leaving them to get on with everything by themselves.

Hold your nerve and see how long that lasts...

Good luck

I'm worri d about disengaging now as some of my family said it was mean and not an option.

With all due respect to them you simply don't know what it takes to keep yourself sane as a step parent in any scenario other than one where the kids get along great with you, until you have been there. And you have every right to prioritise your own value of life, they are not your children and you need to be getting something out of being there. You do not stop having personal boundaries or limits of what you are willing to put up with because your partner has kids. You don't have to sacrifice those things, he has to accommodate them if he wants to be in a relationship with you, just like all other adults do in their relationships.

There are a lot of people out there who seem to think being a step parent means constantly being the one automatically expected to make sacrifices in every aspect of your life no matter how unhappy it makes you, or how devalued it makes you feel. The number one thing I have learnt being a step parent is that you need to have a back bone, you need to assert the fact that you will be accommodating of their relationship with their children but that does NOT mean that you are going to put up with treatment you wouldn't put up with from anyone else or be perfectly fine with him facilitating that to happen. If he is not someone who understands that and feels both grateful and apologetic when his children negatively impact your life then he is not worth being with, he needs to appreciate the burden he's put on you.

What you describe though is exactly the kind of things that you just ignore. You made the point, and rightly so, asking her to help. Her stomping and then being moody, that's her ruining things for herself.

Like your OH, I would have just ignored my kids when they acted like that. Telling a moody teenager to stop being moody is the best way to be more moody! Expecting them to apologise for being Moody is pointless because they don't realise the impact of their moodiness at that point and it certainly won't be sincere, so pointless.

Apologies do come, when they are older and they can reflect on their behaviour at the time.

Like your OH, if my DH made a big deal out of it, it would have annoyed me because again, I think the best thing to do in these instances is not rise to it and let it get to you.

Why was it so important to you that he had spoken to her when you were away? When she acts stroppy, just make your point that it isn't pleasant, that you don't deserve her attitude, that you are trying to be nice etc... and then let it go.