I'm so lonely

[LonelyLoney]

Please help me.
DSD, 13. I have tried everything. I'm a fan of attachment/listening styles of parenting. She tells me things she doesn't tell her mum and dad. Sometimes she's nice, we talk, we laugh, we hug.
But she can be so vile. I've spent all day cooking a roast, whilst working from home and having bought all their Christmas presents. I asked her to set the table. Literally that's all I asked. She.was so vile and rude.
DH just let's her get away with it. He was right there. I said 'Rosie (not real name), please don't talk to me like that, I am just asking you to do a simple chore after I've made lunch'
She stomps, she slams doors, she sat there with a roast potato and nothing else, being stroppy. I ignored her and went to Dmums. I've come back, poured a glass of wine and run a bath. I'm now sat on the bed crying. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere.
I have a DH problem, I know
He says all the right things to me but never stands up for me. I got no thanks for the meal or the presents. I'm so lonely. None of my friends are in this position. I have no one to talk to who understands. I've subscribed to stepmum magazine which is good, but aside from that there's little support.
Been together 5 years. None of my own.
I'm so down.

Op, don’t take advice from people who have no insight into the complexities of step parenting. I talk to no one about the realities of my world and it’s complexities. Aside from a professional who counsels in this area and other step parents.

Everyone here is telling you to detach. And stop. We are speaking from experience. When you pivot the focus to yourself and what your needs are, then trust me all of this becomes a lot less personal. If your DH cannot respect you enough and is this aligned to his daughter, then let him do everything for her. And we mean everything. Cleaning, washing, ironing, food shop, cooking, clearing up.

@Dontdisturbmenow you don’t have to tell a teenage to stop. Who has advised that? But you absolutely have every right to say xyz behaviour is unacceptable. Are you telling me that If an adult friend came to your house and your teenager was rude to them, you’d just ignore it? And not say a word in explanation / apologise to your friend? There isn’t one rule for friends and another for step parents.

Step parents are complex relationships. My children can be rude to my DP, I tolerate none of it and tell them immediately that they are being rude and I also apologise to my DP. The apology from me and the fact that I deal with it means it gets forgotten. By him. If I did neither, I can assure you he would not be remotely happy over time. And I wouldn’t blame him.

I agree with the PP who say every step parent needs to grow a back bone. And know when to put assert their rights, especially when they are not being treated respectfully.

I also have toe book Stepmonster under my bed, and am now wondering how many of us do!

*the book

I'd pull back from doing things like 'spending all day" cooking a roast . Your DH can do the cooking or everyone can have sandwiches. So don't pull back from doing nice things for them but pull back from the housewifey stuff.

(sorry that should say 'doing nice things with them')

OP I sympathise. I have 4 DSC and one joint DS , I have absolutely had it up to my eyeballs today with sorting out everything for everyone else when I get zero gratitude so I've come and sat in bed and left DH to it. I can hear all sorts of calamity coming from the kitchen which I suspect is him attempting to cook but I've got my new book and chocolate and I'm not moving.

Might buy the book mentioned above!

You detach and feel less stress and he gets to actually do the drudge bit of parenting, not just Disney dad. Maybe he'll be annoyed when there's no thanks going his way.

When I detached I got a very frustrated DP venting at me days later. He asked ‘do you have any idea how exhausting xyz day was? I had to do everything. I was shattered and I hardly got to spend time with my children.’ (He held a party at his).

I calmly looked at him and said, ‘yes I do know how exhausting it is, I’ve helped you with the previous parties twice and you didn’t help me either time. I’m not your cook and maid. If you want to invite that many people to your home and not do any of the work, then bring in hired help next time. I have every right to enjoy the party.

I allowed him to put all the stress and prep and clearing fell on me (and I stupidly did it). Whilst he held court and relaxed and spent the time with his children. After the second time I told him that I was fed up being treated like an unpaid maid and if he wanted to hold a party again, my children and I would attend as guests. Which we did. Arrived an hour before everyone out of manners and left after 2 hours or so. Leaving all the work up to him.

First time in his life he has ever had to step up and manage his workload. And Since then I consistently make him do it. A lot of these men haven’t run a home, with children, including the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. So given half a chance, they will push this drudgery towards the woman in their life.

When it’s met with (at best) entitlement (my DP used to say that his time with the children was just that. To spend time. Not be cooking and cleaning). Or worst ingratitude and rudeness. I suggest everyone revisits their arrangements.

I’m having no ones children see a dynamic whereby daddy (and therefore they) are waited on hand and foot because their time is so ‘precious’. And I’m the lackey running around. Forget that.

Your time is precious? Premake a pie/ lasagne. Buy in catered food. I don’t care.

I look back at when I was in my ‘I want to help phase’ and whilst my intent came from a good place, I was an idiot. And I’ll never do it again.

The argument you had is just typical. It happens all the time, you have to let go. My kids have said vile things to me at times. I told them there and then it wasn't on and they stomped off. I let them sulked and then it was forgotten.

You seem to take the behaviour personally. It most likely isn't. You are making to much of an issue of it.

You disagree and that's fine but don't assume your oh is wrong because he too thinks you are making too much of it. Expecting your oh to stand up for you make it as if it's her against you. It isn't, she is just a typical self-absorbed hormones fueled teenager. It's not a matter of taking sides and you feeling aggrieved because you think he is taking her side, he just doesn't want to make a drama of what is not worth one.

^this isn't the ops kid though. Completely and utterly different dynamic

I get where your coming from it can be really lonely being a step parent especially when your not being backed up by your other half.

I’ve got to the point where I don’t cook or clean anything for my eldest step son, he is so lazy and ungrateful that I just refuse to be treated like a bloody cook and cleaner. He lives totally on junk food now because he won’t cook or clean up after himself.

I find when things get a bit too much I just have to go for a long walk and get out of the house, it really helps clear my head. I think my bf thinks I’m trying to be healthy and keep fit walking but it’s really so I don’t throttle the life out of the pair of them.

this isn't the ops kid though. Completely and utterly different dynamic
So are you saying that it's ok for parents to let go and accept that their teenagers are a pain in the ass but accepting that it will get better, but it's not ok for step-parents and they should therefore be discipline much harsher if their poor behaviour is towards a step-parent?

I don't think SC should be handled differently because their SP get more upset about their behaviour than their parent. It really is for the SP to lower their expectations and move on. I totally get that it is easier to have faith in the future of your own children than those children who are not yours, but their future is not the responsibility of the SP.

As said, any adults, parent, step-parent, Grand parent, teacher should feel empowered to tell a teenager that their behaviour is not acceptable, or to stop doing some things for them if they can't show appreciation, but to expect them not to sulk (hard to do when it is how you feel anyway), and for them to apology and mean it, is unrealistic. You really have to move on for things are meaningless in the scheme of things as them responding rudely and storming off the room.

As said, any adults, parent, step-parent, Grand parent, teacher should feel empowered to tell a teenager that their behaviour is not acceptable, or to stop doing some things for them if they can't show appreciation, but to expect them not to sulk (hard to do when it is how you feel anyway), and for them to apology and mean it, is unrealistic

I haven't said anywhere in my OP that I expect her not to sulk. I actually talk of a pretty good relationship. By your own admission any adult should feel empowered to tell a teenager when they're being rude. This includes her father, surely?

We had a long talk when I got back yesterday. He was very contrite. I said I can't keep going like this being unsupported. He is going to talk to her when she's here on Tuesday. I started tidying her room and he told me to stop and she will have to do it, which is a start at least.
Thank you all so much for your advice.

I could have written your post OP, I've had the longest loneliest Christmas with my DH and his two children. It is an entirely different thing to your own children being horrible to you, so so different. I understand, I can't say much to help but I do understand your pain.

I've disengaged quite a lot from them, I don't see a great deal of them as they mostly go out with their father but Christmas is a bit different when families are thrown together.

It was hell, I was physically sick at one point with the stress and anxiety. I hope you find some way of dealing with it.

I'm so sorry @bigoldoaktree that's so sad.
Thank you for your kind words.

@LonelyLoney I totally get you. I’m new on here, but not new to being a stepparent and yet within my family, friends and workplace, I am alone in my situation and muddling through! Also I am struggling although differently and thankfully without hormones yet. Any grumbles I make about how crap being a stepparent-is is looked upon with quiet judgement or blatant horror.

The role of a stepparent involves all the same work and burdens of a parent (and often more) but non of the unconditional love and often no respect from the child or others. I also get on well with my 7 year old stepdaughter but am often hurt by her in ways parents can not understand. I think Dad in your case wouldn’t take it personally, so can’t understand why you do, plus as you corrected the child towards your feeling and their behaviour, that was the end of it for him probably. He can’t understand that you did something you didn’t have to do out of love, (either for him, the child or both) and not out of parental-responsibility or unconditional unwavering maternal love like he does. To be honest if you had put that much effort in to a very codependent friend and they had treated you the same, you’d be just as upset, (it’s a similar relationship) your feelings are justified.

The holder of the unconditional love and respect (aka Dad) needs to maybe be reminded (as well as maybe the child) that you do, all you do, out of love annnnnnnnd as the holder of the actual parental responsibility he should be doing it himself or at the very least backing you up, not leaving you to parent on your own or be the ‘bad guy’ when your relationship with the child is much more complex and very different to his, although he may not see that because you are performing similar (or more) parental-like duties. If anything I’d have him thank you and apologies for the situation as well as the child 😂.

Sorry for the long post but sending support and love!